Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

@FuckingHateRats

well evidently she has because up until OP has been doing everything! The daughter has been helped by OP loads

I never understand when people say this 'just leave it'

If you've a small child you will still need to clean, cook, tidy & wash. All of which feels insurmountable when you are sick. But has to be done.

You can't just ignore it all for a week.

Can people pleaseeeeeeee stop calling her a child?
First world mentality, first world problems.
she is not a child

Yep, it’s a ridiculous assertion indeed.

Feel better OP, sounds like you are at the end of your tether. Got three teens myself, so I get the rucks, I really do.

Great update! Result!

@EarringsandLipstick

Exactly! There's a baseline level of tasks that still need to be done in the day, especially with a toddler who needs feeding, changing, playing with, bathing etc ... I bloody wish I could just stop and do nothing when I'm unwell.

My thoughts exactly…. Aye let’s pamper them and give them exactly what they want cos you know it’s our fault they’re here 🤣🤣🤣

A teenager is a child.
You don’t have to look it, but she is.
In face so you know that adults aged 18-22 have more in common with adolescents than adults, based on neurological development.

Teens are notoriously selfish.

No you were most certainly not harsh.

What a selfish madam you are raising.

To see her mother so ill and not want to help you.

I would be mortified if my children saw me so ill and were so selfish as to think it was nothing to do with them.

We teach people how to treat us and you have taught her to think of no one but herself.

Kindly OP, but you really are doing her zero favours in life to raise her to have so little regard for her home and family.

I would have a long hard think about how you are parenting.
You have been told you are too soft and are walked all over.

This is not good.

There is absolutely no reason why she shouldn't have regular jobs in the house.

The issue is not her being a selfish teenager, lots are like that.

The issue is that when you are obviously very unwell, she doesn't give a damn.

She needs a dramatic attitude adjustment.

I would be giving her a dose of ZERO.

Zero money, zero laundry, zero lifts.

Surprisingly effective in the shortest amount of time for teenagers who behave as if they give zero fxxks!

I am on the sofa cuddling toddler DD to sleep and teen is in the kitchen but .... I don't hear the sound of any dishes being loaded into the dishwasher. 🤣

Could this apparently burst of helpfulness have been a false alarm? 😖😓😤

I do not think you are being mean at all. She has watched you being ill and done nothing. That is not acceptable.

She is coming back and has said sorry so she obviously got the message - and important message that she will hopefully remember. Maybe a chance to talk through some tasks that should be hers - let her choose which.

There are lots of things that children need to learn, one of which is that the world does not revolve round them.

What the hell are you on about? She's literally a child.

No teens here are notoriously selfish. There are teens the world over who do not behave like this.
Honestly, how is this shy different to the boys will be boys argument? Oh men like sex, men cheat, it’s wired in them so we should just allow it.

An almost 16 year old is not a child.

Cleaning has always been last on my priorities list. I suspect its not high on your daughters either. I'd just be pleased she was out having a nice time.
hope you feel better soon OP.

I’m feeling your pain this week op.

I’ve been poorly and dh has stepped up to sort the kids, feed us and take care of us. I don’t expect any housework beyond the basics (no point raising my expectations) but I’ve been super poorly and dd’s response has been disappointing. Ds has popped in every day just to say hello and ask how I’m feeling. I haven’t seen dd at all. I’ve expressed to dh that it’s made me sad and he seemed surprised that I would even expect that she might want to check I’m ok.

I’m now worried sick that I’ve raised a selfish, horrible child, but also worried that I perhaps expect too much. My mum was on her own so we always helped on the rare occasion she was ill and I worry that this has clouded my judgement. Anyway, I don’t think yabu to expect a little support and concern.

No she isn’t. 16 is not a child. Seriously I can’t with that

im on the fence with this. I think it would be nicer if she’d helped but you also sound like you’re making things much harder for yourself in terms of the amount of jobs your trying to do. If you and your toddler are both sick theyn I’d have thought lying in bed together and watching tv would be the level of effort with v minimal cooking given you’ve both been vomiting. Washing I can get builds up over a week especially with a sickness bug and teenager could very easily do her own/ help with a load. Also would be reasonable for her to fetch some easy meals/prep something easy.

wtf? Of course you have to clean if you have a sickness bug? What you expect her vomiting toddlers puke should just sit around all day and wherever they’ve touched not be cleaned?
surfaces should be disinfected very regularly if anyone in the house has a bug including door handles and light switches, taps and surfaces and any places they've thrown up.. Not doing that really does spread it around

Is 15 nearly 16 an adult then?

I think teens need exact tasks or you set them up to fail. “I need help around them house” is too vague. My dc have emptied the dishwasher each morning so we can refill it and that started at about age 7. Recently I was feeling unwell and asked dd1 to cook dinner one evening. Not sure she’d offer but asking for an achievable task is much fairer for a teen then loads of praise after.

You keep coming out with this ‘bank of mum and dad’ thing, but it’s not her fault you and your DH throw money at your DD for a quiet life is it? Maybe you should both be apologising to her for bringing her up so badly and for giving her mixed signals.

Or, ‘oh men we aggressive because of testosterone’ so they should control women and punch anyone who pisses them of because it’s how they’re wired.
Biology is only one part of this, socialisation is also extremely important and it’s the reason you teach manners and good behaviour from when children are toddlers.
They develop different levels of understanding at each age and at 15 almost 16 she definitely understand how’s to do the dishes

Maybe you should both be apologising to her for bringing her up so badly and for giving her mixed signals.

Sorry .. what?

I'm on the fence as when I was a teen I could be lazy but I always worked and studied.

Finicially can you cut back? What does DH do? I hated looking after my younger sisters.

Siblings are not baby sitters.

Is 15 an adult then?