Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

I think the biggest issue is that she didn't want to help out. That speaks volumes to the culture in your household.

It doesn't sound like she's had that modelled to her very well.

Yabu to spring it on her like that when she's made plans already. Set her tasks by all means but give her fair warning.

I don’t think the OP is vile, she’s just unwell and a bit fed up.

Goodness some. posts on this thread are prone to hyperbole

It worked then!!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Chuffed for you 😂🥰

Ohhh that rings bells! Ds3 was a bit of a nightmare teen, and then within the space of a week he gave me unsolicited hugs, tidied his bedroom without being nagged, and did his homework - I nearly fainted!

Most of the people agreeing with you are the ones who have odd expectations like you.

What's your evidence for this? 🤔

😂
You are the OP.

LOL to calling people vile, really.

I think too harsh. She's a child.
Why on earth would she need to cancel her day of plans to throw some washing on and run the hoover round? It's not going to take the 2 of you more than an hour.

She needs to pull her weight yes but you shouldn't expect her to cancel her plans on less than a days notice to do housework. By all means ask her to help next weekend but this is too short notice.

That's a great update! Well done teen DD & good on you OP for being firm.

It sounds like you've got the issues mixed up because you are knackered and unwell. I think you were too harsh today but you aren't being too harsh to insist she pulls her weight in the house in general. Right now you need to chill with your younger dc on the sofa and leave the rest of the stuff.

Teenagers are invariably selfish, self absorbed and lazy though. The problem is that it's hard to start changing what she is used to and is bound to cause some friction.

You need to sit down with her later and say 'I'm sorry I lost it with you today I just felt completely overwhelmed and really needed some help but I apologise for the way I went about it". Then you need to have a proper conversation about boundaries and expectations. A few small jobs and a couple of small regular ones would be good to start.

My boys didn't have regular jobs or chores around the house, I just asked them to do whatever I wanted doing at the time. If they didn't do something I asked (like empty the dishwasher) I didn't get into a discussion about it, just did it myself. Then the next time they asked me for something (a lift, or a sandwich) I just calmly said no. If they asked why I just said well you said no to me so now im saying no to you. If they whinged about how unfair life was I simply agreed and sympathised whilst carrying on with what I was doing.

However, I have to say I started this when they were 12/13 and it didn't take long because at that age they are more reliant on you. It's going to be more difficult with a nearly 16yr old who has never had to lift her weight before.

Img I’m not talking about OP 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m talking about the woman who said ‘she’s absolutely horrible’ for asking her daughter to do chores and that she doesn’t love her daughter.

I’ve sat here defending her for the past 30 mins.

Glad she’s home and reformed (for now op!), and hope you feel better tomorrow!

@redhoodred1

So sorry!!!! I misread & thought the 'she' was OP!!

(I thought it didn't make sense based on your other posts!)

What "jobs" are you insisting on ploughing on with when you're too weak to stand up? There can't be anything that critical.

You’ll get no empathy from people on here Op

kids can do no wrong on mumsnet

they are to be pandered to and indulged at all times

your daughter could slap you round the face and some mumsnetters would deserve it as you must have provoked her etc

Eh?

msaslkih· Today 16:52
I do think you were harsh, yes. Washing and vacuuming - well the vacuuming can wait. You or dh could load the washing machine or it could also wait. I have 2 teens and I wouldn't stamp on their social lives to make them do these chores.

Gosh, this is difficult for me to understand: a few chores should be ‘stamping on their social life’?

I think not expecting anything from them outside of their own enjoyment will cause awful harm in the long run. Their very lives depend on what their home is giving them. They do need to contribute I. Some way.

To say that a mother is absolute horrible for asking a teen to do chores and say to claim that she doesn’t love her own daughter?
that is an awful thing to say to OP. Like literally disgusting

But that's my point...she's left it way too late.

Late to the thread but YANBU IMO

Sometimes you need to lose your shit at them to be heard. Sounds like she has a pretty easy life!

Making breakfast for my toddler

It’s ok!!!! 😂😂 claiming OP doesn’t love her daughter is honestly disgusting and very hurtful.

I don’t think we are reading the same thread, @LuckySantangelo35. I’ve seen a mixture of empathetic and harsh posts, and points in between, as well as empathy and sensible advice.

Make the most of it while it lasts and get the house sparkling!