Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

I.think you sound absolutely horrible OP & there's no way I'm getting 'I love my daughter so much I'd die for her' vibes from anything you've written so far despite your declarations.

If you're so broke your new dh had to work endless 12 hour shifts what business do ye have having another kid? None of this is your dd's fault that you've gotten yourself into this situation.

Frankly I'm laughing at your description of yourself as a push over hahaha

And I know first hand what having a toddler is like. And my then toddler is now a teen so I also know what it's like parenting one of them too.

Cop on OP you're acting like a petulant teen yourself

I expect my teens to babysit their younger siblings one of whom is a toddler, if I go out with DH (not their dad).

even during her most dramatic moments DD has never told me I’m wrong to expect her to babysit if I’m out with DH.

wow are some teens being woefully failed.

There is a difference between asking a teen to clean their room or wash and iron their own stuff and expecting her at home to help you with your toddler. Essentially you are looking to her to help you instead of your partner. The fact that you have decided to have a toddler and a 15 year old doesn't make it OK for you to expect her to pitch in and help with the toddler.

@britneyisfree

Ok then 🤣

Just because your mum was a dick doesn't mean my DD sees me that way.

In fact the other day she announced she was planning on (I quote): "living at home til I'm about 23 or 24 as it will be cheaper that way won't it".

Yeah. Sure it will. Because Bank of Mum will remain on tap. 🤣

@redhoodred1

I am ignoring most of it don't worry 🤣

Exactly

Complete nonsense.

Why do you need to insult the OP?

Because 15 is old enough to start? Because a 15 year old isn’t a small child and is old enough to change her social plans to help out her mum when she’s ill, even if just out of love and care because it’s her mum and her toddler sibling? And they’re more important than meeting friends/boyfriend for a teenage hanging out in the park session?

I’m literally agog at this thread - my DD is only 9; but I teach older teenagers/young adults, and it is drastically noticeable how much more lazy, entitled and helpless they have become over the last ten years. Now I see why!

I haven’t read the full thread OP as some of the responses are batshit crazy!!

Didn’t you know that teenagers can do no wrong, they should be pandered to at all times and as mothers we must martyr ourselves to ensure they are the always the top priority in the house?

YANBU at all and I hope you start feeling better soon.

It's a bit late now to expect her to do housework without complaining. She's never had a chores routine, so as far as she's concerned you're just trying to make her be the stand-in housewife while you're ill and she resents it. I hope you're teaching your younger child better habits.

EarringsandLipstick
It is not DD's job to suddenly have to do the household chores because you are ill.

It's not her 'job', no

But in a family, you should care if someone is unwell & not able to do something & offer to help.

Exactly

Yeah but op didn't bring her up that way. You don't just become kind and helpful. You need to be nurtured and shown the way. Op clearly hasn't. She needs to take ownership of that and focus on getting it right this time around.

I would call it a win for you if she is on her way home, you weren't being too harsh, you have to do what is necessary. She should help out when needed, it teaches her to be responsible. I never felt I was being treated badly, it was just what we did, I ironed my own and my 2 younger siblings school uniforms from being about 12.

I expect my 15 yo to help with her younger brothers. They aren't toddlers, no, but I'll ask her to eg prepare a simple meal for the 3 of them if I'm at work, and they will be expected to help by tidying up / setting the table etc.

I can't see why helping with her younger brother would be an issue (tho I don't think OP said that's what she wanted. She was asking her to help in the house)

I’m furious on your behalf 😂😂😂😂😂

This is massively about socialisation, and teens here are socialised into being lazy, entitled and selfish

I agree with this entirely. My boys would not do a lot if expectations weren’t set.

@redhoodred1

Even if you don't agree with OP, you don't need to insult her & denigrate her using words like 'vile'.

Yeah but are you sure? I don't think you are.

Anyway good luck, you seem to just want everyone to agree you were a little harsh but are a great otherwise.

Most of the people agreeing with you are the ones who have odd expectations like you.

Teens are notorious for being lazy.

this has a very simple though, teens can’t stand to be separated from their phone - give her a chore list and tell her no chores equals no phone

Childrens bank accounts do not have an overdraft facility

Update: the teen has landed (at 17:16)!

She went straight upstairs, reappeared 15 mins later to say she had tried on the new holiday clothes I had ordered for her which were waiting for her on her bed, and they were nice and thank you, then proceeded to go and load the dishwasher as soon as I asked her to.

I think I need a lie down. The wrong child came home. 🤔

🤣

I think @ClaraPeggoty is right, @MumofTeen22 - you’ve had a dreadful week, still feel under the weather, and what you need is a bit of rest - not to chase round the house trying to live up to your normal standards, wearing yourself out even more.

If I were you, I would look at the list of things you think need doing, and divide them into essential and non-essential-but-would-be-nice jobs, then start with the essential ones. If you have energy to go onto the non-essentials, go for it, but honestly, the world will not end if your house isn’t 100% up to your standards. Maybe it would be better to accept less than perfect for the moment, and to get some more rest, rather than overworking yourself so you delay your recovery!

Regarding your teen dd - whilst I think you have been harsh today, in the sense that you’ve gone from expecting nothing, to expecting enthusiastic help right now, I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect a teenager to do some chores, and to help out a bit more when her mum and sibling are ill.

But teenagers are not good at seeing outside of themselves - according to the book Divas and Doorslammers by Charlie Taylor, their brains actually reside during adolescence - new connections are being made, and this means that they lose some abilities they had before - impulse control, sense of proportion, being empathetic towards others, controlling their emotions - he describes it as a form of temporary brain damage - but it is temporary, and these abilities come back when the retiring settles down. I realise that doesn’t help you much right now, but understanding why she reacts how she does might make it easier to cope with her and to talk to her.

When she gets in, I’d suggest you apologise for losing your cool with her, but explain that it is because of how ill and tired you feel, and how that just made everything too much for you. Get her to help - with the essential jobs - and then make a time to sit down and talk about what is fair and reasonable going forward - she needs to learn the basics of housework, so she can look after herself in the future - though having had teenagers of my own, I’m not sure she’ll agree, I’m afraid. When my three dses were at senior school, they had chores - they are all in their 20s now, so I can’t remember exactly what these were, but they did have to iron their own school shirts. I had done the maths, and with dh also needing a clean shirt every day, I’d have been ironing 20 shirts a week! We said they had to iron 5 shirts each weekend, but they decided they’d rather have a three week rota, and iron 15 shirts once every three weekends - no skin off my nose!

I do know that they can now look after themselves - they can cook, do laundry, iron and clean. Ds1 and his wife are expecting their first baby, so he is working full time and doing a lot of the housework, so my lovely DIL can move waited on hand and foot. Ds2 has his own flat, and manages just fine. Ds3 has moved back home, but is working, and he does his own laundry, and keeps his bedroom and the main bathroom clean (dh and I use the en suite so it is basically his bathroom) - and he will help out in other ways if asked.

I’m not talking about OP loooool, I’m talking about the woman who called her a horrible person and said she doesn’t love her daughter.

I think you were a bit harsh op and probably could have handled it better, but as you’ve said, you feel like shit …

My DD did very little at home as a teen, but I’m pretty sure she would have tried to help if she KNEW I was ill. (She wouldn’t have had a clue though, which is entirely my fault because it was always quicker to do it myself than ask her, show her how to do it properly, and ‘supevise’. I had to give her a crash course in cleaning before she went to Uni.)

But they are ‘programmed’ to primarily think almost exclusively about themselves and their own needs and wants at that age, so I doubt she truly understands just how bad you’re are feeling. They do grow out of it eventually!

It's a bit late now to expect her to do housework without complaining.

It's not a bit late! It would be better if she'd done it earlier but doing it now is still good!

I think the hard part will be sticking to your guns about expecting her to pitch in, as OP has been giving in till now.