Would you be put off by a man who doesn't drive?

[ItDoesMyHeadIn]

I was. Cancelled the date. I'm being too fussy apparently. To be fair my friend is married to a man who doesn't drive and he's amazing. Neither of my parents drive. The guy I was going to date could afford it, he just can't be arsed. He is happy to walk everywhere or use public transport. Up to him. But I would want to be with someone who can literally take the wheel sometimes. Like fuck do I want to be the one driving 8 hours up to Scotland for a holiday, or being the one to always collect the takeaway etc. I'm pretty traditional and sometimes I admit I would want my man to pick me up and take me out for dinner etc (fuck off crazy feminists, yes I can take myself out for dinner). I didn't actually realise how much of a deal breaker this was until it was put in front of me! Interested in opinions...

I don't believe for a SECOND that anyone with children can give them a good, decent, full childhood right up to (and including) the university

But at least I can teach my kid how to regulate their emotions, which you clearly are not going to be able to do.

Yes, I absolutely would be put off. Driving is a life skill that everyone - bar medical condition/disability, should want to do. The country I live in, almost everyone drives, we even have Drivers' Ed in high school. You are expected to get your licence. It's just something you have to do like get a job, pay taxes etc. I would not be attracted to a man who didn't have his licence. And I absolutely would judge him badly.

Just to point out that the disability angle is exactly why a potential partner who could drive would be an asset. Because you don’t become village bound if you suddenly become ill or unable to drive yourself.

i promise that walking round here isn’t calming either. The most direct walk to school is down the A10 which is 70mph with no path, and no bus exists which goes down it.

As I said before, i do agree that opportunities are hugely limited with no driving parents. It’s not just clubs - our nearest stables would be 3 buses, our nearest farm is a train and a 30 min walk, we have an amazing ice cream parlour near us that is almost entirely inaccessible safely by foot, even if we didn’t want to go there if another child had a party there we would have to decline or depend on Ubers or beg a lift. I love the sea, sometimes we drive up to the seaside in Essex to watch the sun go down over the sea and get fish and chips. To spontaneously do that would mean about £100 in last minute train costs, going in to London to go back out again, the sun would be down by the time we got there.

Try getting to Polzeath by public transport with all your surf boards…

Its just a barrier to experiences, that doesn’t need to exist.

It’s not just clubs - our nearest stables would be 3 buses, our nearest farm is a train and a 30 min walk, we have an amazing ice cream parlour near us that is almost entirely inaccessible safely by foot, even if we didn’t want to go there if another child had a party there we would have to decline or depend on Ubers or beg a lift.

But, and I think you probably do know this, not everybody lives in your village.

Might it be the case that most of those of us who can’t or don’t drive, for whatever reason, choose to live in places where that isn’t as much of a barrier to getting around as it would be where you live?

I mean I appreciate it would be a bit of a hassle getting to Polzeath from my house by public transport, but it would also be a 15-hour drive…

Yes, I know what you’re saying @Windbeneathmybingowings but attitudes on here about non drivers being undatable and shitty, incompetent people just makes them feel totally pathetic and inadequate of both sexes. I know one or two people who are really lovely but don’t drive because of health reasons and it’s sad that they aren’t considered date material by most posters on here.

OP did say she puts disabilities aside, but her reason for wanting a driver is so she doesn’t have to do all the ferrying around, so really it would make no difference why they couldn’t drive, it’s a deal breaker anyway.

There's no way that every single activity or hobby or sport or pastime, that they are involved in (for the 13-14 years of school and college life,) is within 10 minutes walk or a short 10-15 minute jaunt on the bus.

This though. I know so many disagree because it’s uncomfortable, but it’s limiting your childrens opportunities though choice.

But is every sport or pastime your children will ever be involved in, up to and including their university years, a short 10-15 minute jaunt by any means of transport? That sounds awfully limiting for them.

I appreciate you will think I am bound to say this out of defensiveness, but I really don’t think my children are that deprived. I take them to their clubs and parties and schools and it all seems to work? I appreciate I could not walk them to your local ice-cream parlour, but it’s under a 10-minute walk to ours.

If we had a car there would I’m sure be different things we could do, or things we could do faster. But there would also be other opportunities lost because of the cost. We probably wouldn’t be able to live where we do now and also own and run a car, for one.

(I’m sure if you wished to set up some sort of benevolent fund for Deprived Children of Non-Driving Parents with Proper Medical Reasons, though, they would accept donations in the form of LOL Dolls and Minecraft tat.)

Total dealbreaker. Yes there have been periods in our life where we haven’t driven a lot but we have gone on weekends away, out to IKEA Wembley and had to get delivery, on holiday we rent a car… now we have dc and if Dh didn’t drive everything would be on me. Getting dc2 to childcare, weekends instead of splitting the work I’d have to fit in feeding baby (Dh cant breastfeed) between football and swimming, basketball and gymnastics, I’d have to get them to parties, I’d have to take them to visit my mil, I’d struggle to keep my job, both of us having full time jobs is based on sharing the parenting load. It wouldn’t be fair on Dc to insist Dh instead treks them for 1km to catch a bus that comes every half hour or whatever pt options there are. If he got a medical issue that meant he couldn’t we’d have to find an option like regular taxi but absent that, not driving is a dealbreaker.

I don't believe for a SECOND that anyone with children can give them a good, decent, full childhood right up to (and including) the university years WITHOUT A CAR. There's no way that every single activity or hobby or sport or pastime, that they are involved in (for the 13-14 years of school and college life,) is within 10 minutes walk or a short 10-15 minute jaunt on the bus. I can only surmise that your child(ren) have very limited lives with very few things going on in them.

Within a 2-minute walk of my front door: a Tesco, a Sainsburys, an M&S, a tube station, multiple bus stops with 24/7 buses, two coffee shops, a nice restaurant, a couple of takeaways, and the Thames and the Thames Path.

Within a short walk (mostly within 5-10 minutes, maybe a couple are more like 15 mins) of my front door: a train station, a second tube station, a theatre, an arts venue that does concerts and art exhibitions as well as theatre, a children's theatre, a performing arts centre that does classes, several parks, two pubs, probably 30 restaurants (including Nepalese, Tibetan, Venezuelan, Jamaican, several Vietnamese, as well as regular stuff like Indian and sushi), three other supermarkets including a Tesco superstore, two swimming pools, a horse riding centre, and at least four gyms. (I don't know about stuff specifically for children since I don't have any yet, but I assume loads.)

Central London/West End is a shortish train or tube journey, or in the other direction 10 mins on the train or bus will take you out into miles of stunning ancient woodlands. 90 minutes on the train and you're on the beach.

The Thames Path is almost directly outside my house and is gorgeous and there's a huge nature reserve with many different bird species and horses within easy walking distance of my house. You can walk for miles and miles and discover the most stunning countryside and coastal areas around the Thames Estuary, and still easily catch a bus and be home in 45 minutes.

I don't believe FOR A SECOND (look I can use caps too) that a child living somewhere rural/suburban with a car-driving parent could possibly have access to half the activities, hobbies and pasttimes that a child growing up in London but without a car would have access to, yet I'm not starting threads banging on about how all kids raised outside London are deprived.

I am extremely confident that there are few hobbies or sports a child or teenager could be interested in, apart from maybe mountain climbing or deep sea diving, that a child wouldn't be able to walk/quick bus ride to from where I live.

So don't act like people living in completely different environments to you or just living different lifestyles from you are fundamentally shit parents.

Yep... reading that I did feel that I was being called a scumbag of a parent just because i don't want to drive, when I'm content and able to access many different places via public transport or by walking.. seriously though it's the UK and the place is tiny but it appears some people's ego is way out of control, the problem here is some people are projecting thier ideas and expectations of how you should act and behave onto other people and it seems the target for today is people who couldn't give a crap about rushing from A to B in a car. I do think some of this is out of jealousy because the logic behind calling someone who walks all day lazy while a vehicle carries them around constantly while they build up the cheek fat is hilarious. I'm glad at least one sane person here is happy everyone's got thier own way no better or less than anyone else just different and I agree with you.

To be clear, I'm aware I'm privileged to be able to afford to live somewhere with all those things on my doorstep. I couldn't afford to run a car and live here, but moving would be a far greater sacrifice than not having a car.

We all make the choices that are best for us and our families based on the resources available to us.

Crikey! I had no idea there was so much prejudice against non-drivers!
I don't drive. It's a situation that evolved - at seventeen, when many of my friends were learning, I was a fairly hardcore environmentalist, and just had no interest. I was living in a west country village then, so I was most definitely an outlier. I walked everywhere, and used public transport for longer distances.
Then in my early 20s I moved to London for work. Obviously then, I didn't need one. I was a member of my local Greenpeace group, and we were all pretty anti-car, so was no longer an outlier - car ownership would have been a shameful thing! However, I started to crack towards the end of my London journey, and a friend gave me some lessons, and I had a minor crash. He refused to teach me anymore! I was freaked out, and decided it wasn't for me, for now at least.

Ooh, sorry, the end of my post was cut off for some reason.
As I was saying...
I now live in a coastal town in Sussex, and I get by without a car; albeit not as easily as in London, but more easily than in the west country village of my youth.
I've always had a low income, and would struggle to afford lessons or to run a car.
Apart from all this, I intensely dislike cars, their terrible impact on the environment, and also aesthetically, they're so ugly, and a terrible blot on the landscape, and there are far too many of them.
Unless all cars go electric soon, it's unlikely I'll ever drive now, I'm so used to it.
So obviously I couldn't be put off by a man who doesn't drive. The opposite. I'd be totally put off by someone with more than one car, or who drove more than absolutely necessary. If I discovered someone watched Top Gear, now that'd be a deal breaker for me! I'd feel actual repulsion, yuck.
Non-drivers tend to be fitter and healthier - I walk and cycle miles most days.
Walkers and cyclists unite!

I don’t think there is such a prejudice against non-drivers in real life.

Unfortunately MN frequently attracts the crumbling brittleness of vociferousness.

This!

I personally would much rather my DP could drive. But hey what do I know... I'm just a crazy feminist!

Yes, I think you're right. I've certainly never been aware of any prejudice against me because of it, in real life.
I think more people are prejudiced against SUV drivers than non-drivers. I forgot to mention that in my post above - I'd go so far as to describe driving an SUV as an act of violence, against planet Earth, and thus all living things

So my colleagues commute from Birmingham to London don’t exist? What about the ones who commute from Grantham or Peterborough, are they imaginery as well?

I know someone with two very sporty boys and it came up at the side of a pitch that her husband couldn't drive.

She said that it hadn't been a huge issue for years because they lived and worked near their university BUT her boys being very sporty meant everything was left to her but he had zero interest in learning and there was nothing she could do.

I'd be allergic in that situation.

Well this thread has taken quite the turn with very specific holidays and commutes but the OP doesn't appear to still be on it.

So people that work part time, or in low paid jobs are limiting their children's opportunities by choice, because they can't afford activities aswell are they?

This statement is as stupid, as the one you have made.

Try getting to Polzeath by public transport with all your surf boards…

Nah, I'll fly abroad thanks. It would still be quicker to get to France or Spain etc than ot would to Polzeath by car from where we live.

I don't believe for a SECOND that anyone with children can give them a good, decent, full childhood right up to (and including) the university years WITHOUT A CAR. There's no way that every single activity or hobby or sport or pastime, that they are involved in (for the 13-14 years of school and college life,) is within 10 minutes walk or a short 10-15 minute jaunt on the bus

Really? My son does rugby, ballet and swimming, we walk to all of them, we could if we wanted save the 15 minute walk to rugby and get a 3 minute bus. We can see both the leisure centre and the dance school from our flat. Within half an hour of walking we have club wise available to us, martial arts, horse riding, climbing, bike polo, skate part, gymnastics, football, circus arts, boxing, modern dance, athletics, tennis, cricket, american football and lacross. There are probably more that I’m not aware of. Within a twenty minute walk we have four very good parks, three with very good play areas, museums, cinemas, bowling, skating, play farms.

Within a thirty minute walk we have soft play, a farm park that has other play things available, the postal museum, gokarting, lots of museums, sky garden.

Within a forty minute walk or a ten minute bus ride tower of london, the globe, tate modern, hms belfast, the shard, charles dickens museum, london fields lido, museum of childhood

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. Being able to cook is a basic life skill, but many people don’t do it. Their choice. As long as someone doesn’t have the expectation of being driven about all the time, it’s not an issue for me. If it is for you, you’ve done the right thing. We all have things that are dealbreakers for us.