Would you be put off by a man who doesn't drive?

[ItDoesMyHeadIn]

I was. Cancelled the date. I'm being too fussy apparently. To be fair my friend is married to a man who doesn't drive and he's amazing. Neither of my parents drive. The guy I was going to date could afford it, he just can't be arsed. He is happy to walk everywhere or use public transport. Up to him. But I would want to be with someone who can literally take the wheel sometimes. Like fuck do I want to be the one driving 8 hours up to Scotland for a holiday, or being the one to always collect the takeaway etc. I'm pretty traditional and sometimes I admit I would want my man to pick me up and take me out for dinner etc (fuck off crazy feminists, yes I can take myself out for dinner). I didn't actually realise how much of a deal breaker this was until it was put in front of me! Interested in opinions...

It would put me off. Back when I was online dating I was talking with a guy who, everytime we tried to arrange a date he would say he’ll let me know a time when he can arrange a lift.

I didn’t even bother meeting him.

I don’t tend to bother much with friends who can’t drive either though.

Likewise, I hate being a passenger in a car. I prefer to be in control of my own destiny, so I cycle or take the train.

Thanks for stating the obvious but I'd wager that many people could live without a car if they actually thought about it.

In fact, fewer young people are learning to drive, cost being a huge factor.

Very few people are in a position where driving is the only way to get to work. I'd imagine the youth of today will be a bit more resourceful, imaginative or choose work where a car isn't essential. Good for them too.

You're not their friend then are you?

Depends totally on where you live. Where I am if you don’t drive you are a bit stuffed. Choosing work where a car isn’t essential would considerable cut down any job choice too.

@FiveNineFive I’m not a taxi either

My DH didn’t drive. I didn’t mind so much at the start and then when I had the kids and couldn’t get to hospital etc it was a bit of an annoyance but ok.

Then i became disabled. He still couldn’t drive and we had three children by then. To say we were royally fucked, our children lead a vastly worse life compared to before (ie 2 hour bus journeys, walking several miles daily, leaving for school at 6.30am) and my MH was ruined is an understatement. For that reason I wish I had reconsidered my choices. I love him, obviously, but I hate him and will never forgive him for leaving all that to me when he had no health issue stopping him.

It wouldn't bother me, but I do live in a city where it really isn't an issue. I certainly wouldn't see it as a reflection of manliness. In London dates picked me up in taxis - or once memorably in a chauffeur driven rolls. isn't that nicer than someone driving themselves parking etc I actually remember badly the 1-2 dares who did drive and insisted on giving me lifts which just created fath and me missing trains

Depends totally on where you live. Where I am if you don’t drive you are a bit stuffed. Choosing work where a car isn’t essential would considerable cut down any job choice too.

Sure but we're not talking about everyone. Many people in cities don't even own cars for obvious reasons. I work from home and the average commute in the UK is less than 15 miles. Outliers live in areas where the only mode of transport to work is via car.

Old fogies like us aren't the future generations that are increasingly choosing not to drive. They've already made the choice and can think outside the box more than you and I. You see it as narrowing of choices but if you choose not to drive then you will have already made a conscious decision that this will be the case. That should be applauded given the state this planet is in.

Regarding the OP it's clearly personal choice but IMO a ridiculous one, especially when it's a fact that fewer people are choosing to drive. In the future more people will meet potential partners that don't drive. Personally I think it's hard enough to find someone decent without something so miniscule getting in the way.

But each to their own.

Did you not consider moving to somewhere more practical?

I only passed my driving test last January, well into my forties. I can't say that I'm more of a catch than I used to be. It's not something that I would think twice about in a potential partner.

My dd learned to drive when she wanted dc.
I had always told her that life would be much harder with dc if she couldn’t drive.
She passed just before getting pregnant.

Yes it would put me off.
I see driving as a basic life skill, like cooking.

I don’t know where the narrative comes from that it’s people who’ve chosen not to learn to drive who are CFs bugging all and sundry for lifts all the time.

IME it’s the ones who used to drive because they couldn’t possibly inconvenience themselves to do something like get the bus, a train, walk or cycle who then become too old to drive and because they’re not accustomed to doing anything other than sit in a car, aren’t going to start now.

It’s some of the posters on this thread who are the future lift-demanding friends and relatives, not the people who have chosen to live their lives in a way that doesn’t require a car.

Christ on a bike, you hate your DH and will never forgive him because he doesn't drive?! God help him if he did something REALLY bad! 😕

@Lunar27

Thanks for stating the obvious but I'd wager that many people could live without a car if they actually thought about it. In fact, fewer young people are learning to drive, cost being a huge factor. Very few people are in a position where driving is the only way to get to work. I'd imagine the youth of today will be a bit more resourceful, imaginative or choose work where a car isn't essential. Good for them too.

There have been some narrow minded ill-informed posts on this thread when it comes to driving but this one takes the biscuit. To come up with a comment like 'people could live without a car if they actually thought about it' is ludicrous and ignorant and laughable.

Not everybody has the amazing good fortune to have been able to acquire a property that's near a bloody train station or bus stop. What's more, most good transport is actually in cities or towns and many people (especially when they get to their mid to late 30s/early 40s) have lived in a town or city all their lives, and actually want to live in in a much nicer place way out in the suburbs, or in the countryside to get away from high population, crime, pollution, and lots of traffic.

Do you seriously suggest that everyone just needs to move closer to public transport so they can ditch their cars??? Absolutely every single person in the countryside, and way out in the suburbs and the villages and places that are not near public transport all flock to a place that's only 10 minutes walk away from a bus stop or train station, or ten minutes walk from work? PMSL!!! Did you actually look at your post before you submitted it?!

You sure as hell can tell the people who have got no children, very little family, and a really simple life (probably with a 10 minute walk to work .. that's if these people DO work.. LOL.) -Just wait til you have kids, and they go to different schools, and they go to various hobby groups and sports clubs, and want to go to different friends homes. Not ALL of their friends will be five minutes walk away! It's not the 1970s! And on top of all this, you have to go to work too, and potentially care for elderly parents/relatives. Let's hope your job, and your elderly parents are a ten minute walk or ten minute bus ride away!!!

And what about the early hospital appointments at a hospital 30 miles away? How are you going to transport your DC's stuff to University, how are you going to help them move out, how are you going to help them do ANYthing? With no car!! What about if your parents (or children) decide to move to a village in the sticks? How are you going to get to them? Or are they always going to have to visit YOU, because you can't be fucked to learn to drive?

And as for the comment below yours saying 'why don't just move somewhere convenient?' As if it's THAT bloody easy to just up sticks and move house!!! I just can't even get my head round some of the ludicrous comments on here, I really can't

Also it's absolute nonsense that fewer people are learning to drive. Many young people I know are learning to drive, or are desperate to learn, so they become independent and not a burden to others. (And they will be more of a catch for any employer.) As I said there are so many hideously ill-informed ignorant comments on this thread from non drivers that it's actually hilarious.

@PurpleButterflyWings

None, some, many, most, all etc. etc.

Perhaps learn the difference before coming out with a 2/10 rant 😂

And Google or the news is useful for finding out real stats that fewer young people are learning to drive. My daughters drive but the whole of the UK isn't based on my anecdotal data 🤦

Why are you so angry?

Evidence (as opposed to anecdata) does suggest fewer young people are learning to drive. They’re just not the people in your bubble.

Many people live full family lives, and have DC, have caring responsibilities and don’t drive. Yours is the comment which shows you can’t look remotely beyond your own experience.

PBW, you're saying people need to learn to drive so they can live further away from the pollution and traffic. Don't you see a teeny tiny irony there?

@PurpleButterflyWings

This is a crazy thing to be angry about

She said many not all.

Many of my friends don't drive because they have never been able to afford it and they wouldn't be able to afford to run a car.

What do you think people who physically or medically can't drive do?

Also both my parents can drive. They never drove me anywhere, including university

I notice a lot of drivers tend to judge non-drivers because of: asking for or expecting lifts, the driver always having responsibility for getting the family places, etc. They may have a point at times as there will be people who are CFs and expect to be ferried around (with no offer of petrol money or acknowledgment of the favour). These type of non-drivers deserve the judgment, however we aren't all like that.

By the same token, non-drivers may judge drivers for certain things too.. (I am not judging drivers here, but using examples to demonstrate that it can work both ways. Not all drivers are like this either). I know many people who drive everywhere but fall apart if their car is off the road. They cancel plans when they have full access to using a bus, train or taxi because they won't get around unless they have their car, and panic at the thought of the inconvenience. Where is the independence or life skills in that? Fully dependent on a vehicle to leave the house can't exactly be very functional either.

I know people whose kids have never been on a bus or train, and if they have to walk for longer than 5 minutes their 'feet are sore' and they are soo tired, because they are driven everywhere. Not exactly being taught independence or confidence are they? Or resourcefulness.

Finally, a lady I know was attending a show one afternoon and her husband is a driver. The show venue was on a direct train route, with station almost beside it. She is able to get about, yet had her husband sat in a supermarket cafe for 2 and a half hours just so she could be driven there and back!

This example backs up both sides. It shows how some non-drivers ridiculously expect to be ferried about, but it ALSO shows how people with access to a car (even if not driving it) refuse to take public transport anywhere as they become so fully dependent on it. In the same way as not all non-drivers are CFs who expect driven everywhere, not all drivers are fully dependent on their cars and can't function if they need to use public transport.

People need to drop this narrative that not driving means there is something wrong with you.

Maybe drive yourself to anger management @PurpleButterflyWings

No but I live in London so school run is done in foot, public transport is excellent and I can’t really comprehend the OP’s example of driving to collect takeaway. Our takeaway place is half a mile away. DH does drive but neither of us would ever drive anywhere less than 1-1.5 miles so day to day things we wouldn’t need the car for (and for the commute we get public transport).

My MIL is a short bus ride away actually. DH and i work in the City , it costs £15 congestion charge per day and there isn't parking! My parents are in Asia, try driving there :) All our other relatives are abroad too.

I have never come across a job that required me to drive. All of them were accessible by public transport or mostly in v central london. 25% of graduate jobs are in London, thats just the reality. Many young people generally start their careers in cities like Manchester or London where there is public transport. Due to the housing crisis, many young people end up living for years in flat shares and even people like me who are home owners buy in urban areas because of work. I WFH 2 days a week but I still need to be able to get to my central london workplace by public transport so i need to live in a place with public transport. In fact, the first question at a job interview is 'where do you live'? Fine if its london or a commuter town, big no if its v faraway and not accessible by public transport. And then when I say its my zone 3 north london suburb, they go 'oh its easy for you then, just go down the northern line!'. No mention of cars!

I suspect you live in an area which has been under-invested by the government for years. its very strange that the government spent so much money on the Elizabeth Line so commuters can get from Reading to London 10 mins faster but a lot of jobs in the country require a car to get to the local business park!

It would give me the ick. I still remember being in a car once with an ex of many years ago - I was in the back seat and he was in the front passenger side. I was disgusted. Please, can anyone explain what is disgusting about being in the front passenger side of a car? It's really bugging me!

These discussion always remind me how middle class and privileged Mumsnet is. Personally I could afford to drive at 17 because I started working in the back of a pub at 14. Nothing to do with being privileged. I also paid rent from that age. Public transport was pretty much non existent where I lived.