Would you be put off by a man who doesn't drive?

[ItDoesMyHeadIn]

I was. Cancelled the date. I'm being too fussy apparently. To be fair my friend is married to a man who doesn't drive and he's amazing. Neither of my parents drive. The guy I was going to date could afford it, he just can't be arsed. He is happy to walk everywhere or use public transport. Up to him. But I would want to be with someone who can literally take the wheel sometimes. Like fuck do I want to be the one driving 8 hours up to Scotland for a holiday, or being the one to always collect the takeaway etc. I'm pretty traditional and sometimes I admit I would want my man to pick me up and take me out for dinner etc (fuck off crazy feminists, yes I can take myself out for dinner). I didn't actually realise how much of a deal breaker this was until it was put in front of me! Interested in opinions...

I can't speak for all National Parks of course, but the one I live near to is criss-crossed by public transport routes with regular services. I actually prefer using public transport for remote walks because it means that you aren't forced to return to where you started in order to pick up the car, you can get the S1 bus to A, walk to B, and get the S3 back.

That made me snort 🤣

TBH I'm sure that there probably would be some on here that would.

I can drive, my husband can’t. We trained in the same career, he is younger than me. He is at a higher level and on much higher pay than I was at 29, he is going for promotion again when the next rounds are here in November. I’m happy staying at my level for the rest of my career most likely. He is quite ambitious and keen to climb the latter, where as I’m fairly lazy and can’t really be bothered to progress any further.

A £250k salary would be very nice!

My DH only has a license because family members were nagging him to do it before we had DS. DS is 8 and we still don’t have a car 😁

I've tried to learn a few times but I’m too hesitant and nervous.

I really don’t get this “learning to drive is a basic life skill”. Fair enough in the countryside but plenty of people live in towns and don’t need a car.

And we’re both doing fine in our careers.

Some strange assumptions here - I went to Cambridge and most of my contemporaries earn well, loads of them don't drive and walk/cycle/public transport everywhere. It really isn't a sign of laziness or incompetence.

I have a licence but we don't feel we need a car - I get rained on occasionally. It has never prevented me from earning a good salary!

Depends on what age I met them. If I was in my late teens or early twenties then it would be fine. I wouldn't date someone that couldn't drive in my early 30s (now) though. I live in a town but I personally would find it an absolute pain. My DH and I have a young family and I know that it will be very useful that both of us drive when we have to start carting them round to clubs and playdates. I don't want to be the only 'taxi' in the house! You could say that a non-driving partner could take DC on a bus, but I'm pretty confident the driving partner in these situations tends to do the lion's share of DC transport.

Like fuck do I want to be the one driving 8 hours up to Scotland for a holiday

When did he say he would want to go to Scotland on holiday?

I still feel that a MAN not being able to drive is icky, wet, and off-putting.

I feel that an adult describing someone as 'icky' and 'wet' sounds unbelievably childish. And that considering driving to be a necessary quality for a man to be manly and attractive is a foolish, old-fashioned, parochial, sexist attitude.

Imo the question of whether someone can drive or not is of purely practical and logistical relevance and can be remedied according to the situation. If two people get together and it is necessary or preferable for them both to be able to drive, then either of them who currently can't can learn. If it's not necessary, then who cares? There's omething about this 'Eww, a man who can't drive!' vs 'Ooh a manly man with his manly arm on the steering wheel' attitude that makes me cringe.

People like what they like.

People like what they like. Never mind driving, you are perfectly entitled to stipulate that your future partner needs to have a RG university degree, be a higher rate taxpayer, be able to whip up a 3 course meal, normal BMI, good looking, able to buy property in his late 20s. I mean, my DH can't drive but he meets all that above criteria (though he was a student when I met him)! I mean I would think that having a good job and savings is more important than knowing to drive because driving is like cleaning, it can be outsourced esp in the age of Uber. Earning good money can't be outsourced; if you are with a guy with a lower income, you need to earn way more to compete with those couples where both people earn decent incomes. And if you can't earn, you can probably afford neither a car or a Uber esp in this age where 25% of families are in poverty and I predict 50% will be struggling to meet basic bills (so they probably have to give up the car anyway). But it's everyone's right to prioritize what skills they value....

I know. It's not so much the 'I see it as an important practical skill in a partner (of whatever sex)' statements that bother me. It's the 'He's not a (sexy) man if he can't drive' ones. But yes, people like what they like, I suppose.

I don't think there's anything more subjective and personal than what constitutes sexiness. Good driving is sexy to me for a number of reasons. Nothing at all wrong with other people feeling differently, even to the point where they cringe about it, but it's not going to change what gets my wheels spinning, so to speak.

In America a few years ago, several men told me they found the fact that I can drive a manual ("stick shift") very sexy. I need to take what I can get.

I did some online dating and kept on meeting men who didn’t drive, initially I thought so what but (in my experience only not stereotyping here) they were all the same type of bloke. Lived at home with mummy and daddy and lied about it (all in their 30’s) saw no reason to learn as they had plenty of people to get lifts with and save the expense of running a car. It wasn’t attractive to me and also, because I had a house and car a couple of them saw me as a convenient package worth pursuing.

I mean I would think that having a good job and savings is more important than knowing to drive

There appear to be a number of people on the thread who seem to think driving can't coexist with other skills or positive attributes. We've had quite a few posts along lines like this and there was someone upthread who put it as a choice between a partner or a chauffeur.

I have plenty of male (and female) friends, acquaintances, clients and so on and always have had - bar two exceptions I have no idea whether any of them drive? It would never occur to me to ask and it's not exactly a thrilling conversation topic.

I've known my partner for almost twelve years and the only reason I know he can drive is because of a brief conversation we had about past holidays five years ago or so ago when he mentioned driving in France - are there lists of questions now that people ask when first meeting another person, or do dating sites have forms to fill in this sort of thing? I haven't 'dated' for a very long time, obviously 😂

@Simonjt

I can drive, my husband can’t. We trained in the same career, he is younger than me. He is at a higher level and on much higher pay than I was at 29, he is going for promotion again when the next rounds are here in November. I’m happy staying at my level for the rest of my career most likely. He is quite ambitious and keen to climb the latter, where as I’m fairly lazy and can’t really be bothered to progress any further.

@onthefencesitter

Never mind driving, you are perfectly entitled to stipulate that your future partner needs to have a RG university degree, be a higher rate taxpayer, be able to whip up a 3 course meal, normal BMI, good looking, able to buy property in his late 20s. I mean, my DH can't drive but he meets all that above criteria.

THERE IT IS! 😂I knew mumsnet wouldn't disappoint. Super successful career, RG uni educated, super fit, and gorgeous, only in his 20s but still at a 'high level' at work, and a 'high tax payer' - so probably on £45-50K per year plus.

Yet he can't drive and has never bothered to learn.

ONLY on Mumsnet!

@PollyPingit

I did some online dating and kept on meeting men who didn’t drive, initially I thought so what but (in my experience only not stereotyping here) they were all the same type of bloke. Lived at home with mummy and daddy and lied about it (all in their 30’s) saw no reason to learn as they had plenty of people to get lifts with and save the expense of running a car. It wasn’t attractive to me and also, because I had a house and car a couple of them saw me as a convenient package worth pursuing.

Now THIS ^ fits the profile of a man who can't drive much more accurately (in real life) than the men a few posters are portraying.

Any MAN who CBA to learn to drive = unmotivated and unambitious and unlikely to be in any successful career - if any work at all. (In most cases anyway.)

And no I don't say the same about women. So shoot me.

What is wrong with you? My husband has a law degree and works in a demanding career. He doesn’t drive. Neither do I. Why would you make weird assumptions about peoples personality based on them driving? MN is unhinged.

THERE IT IS! 😂I knew mumsnet wouldn't disappoint. Super successful career, RG uni educated, super fit, and gorgeous, only in his 20s but still at a 'high level' at work, and a 'high tax payer' - so probably on £45-50K per year plus.Yet he can't drive and has never bothered to learn.ONLY on Mumsnet!

What struck me about that was less that he can't drive and more that it's fine, worthy even, to value a man on his looks and salary, but shallow to value his being able to drive.

And, of course, the idea that it's a choice between driving and, well, any other attractive feature.

(Is a normal weight man on an above average income THAT much of a rarity? I sort of got the impression that we were supposed to be amazed.)

THERE IT IS! 😂I knew mumsnet wouldn't disappoint. Super successful career, RG uni educated, super fit, and gorgeous, only in his 20s but still at a 'high level' at work, and a 'high tax payer' - so probably on £45-50K per year plus.Yet he can't drive and has never bothered to learn.ONLY on Mumsnet!

Or, in London? This is a really suburbs/rural take on things. It’s perfectly common to not drive and be on a high salary in London and other big cities, not that 45-50 is particularly “high level”.

*THERE IT IS! 😂I knew mumsnet wouldn't disappoint. Super successful career, RG uni educated, super fit, and gorgeous, only in his 20s but still at a 'high level' at work, and a 'high tax payer' - so probably on £45-50K per year plus.

Yet he can't drive and has never bothered to learn.*

My husband hasn’t been to uni, he did an apprenticeship, he isn’t super fit, he has a physical disability so most forms of exercise are hard for him, he does like cycling and running though, I think he’s gorgeous (how many people marry someone they don’t find attractive?), our industry is generally fairly well paid, so being on £45k can be common in your second year of work. Getting a few decent promotions seven years after qualifying isn’t at all unusual in our industry.

No. But I don’t drive either. I have never lived anywhere where driving was necessary.

I agree @ForestFae . I’m the solicitor in our house, DH is an actuary who went to Imperial College. He didn’t suddenly become a proper adult (which according to PP I still am not) when he passed his driving test age 34.

I don't value people on their looks or salary either - whether they are kind and generous, intelligent, polite and great to spend time with are far more important and physical attraction often doesn't line up with conventional 'attractiveness' for me anyway.

Are people actually asking potential partners what they earn now?

I did internet dating for a while and don’t remember ever asking or being asked if I drove. That was in the pre-app age though so maybe it’s a thing now! Maybe people specify ‘must have car’ on their profiles or something, if it’s important to them?

Also have no idea whether most of my colleagues drive or not. I think many of the people saying they don’t know anyone who doesn’t drive are just assuming everyone does until told otherwise.