DH gone camping

[campingwidow]

AIBU?

I have an 8 week old and a 2 year old with DH. Baby had her first lot of immunisations yesterday, was understandably v clingy and upset.

DH came through from doing toddler bedtime and goes "I'm off camping, I'll be back tomorrow" and off he went in our (only) car. No idea where he's gone or when he'll be back

AIBU for being a bit annoyed?

Selfish, childish, man-child attitude.
This would be the last time he pulled that stunt if he was my children's father.
You don't just run away & please yourself if you are a caring responsable adult

Thank goodness he knows he has OP there to be the responsible one and look after his young children for him, alone and with no notice, and with no means of transport. I wonder what would happen if OP suddenly jumped up and drove off in their only vehicle, leaving him alone in the house with a 2 yr old and 8 week old.

Very understandably!

I remember a post on MN years ago where a MNetter woke up to a text from her DH saying he'd gone to the countryside during the night to clear his head. Someone suggested she texted back "I went to London to clear my head last night. Wonder what the kids are doing this morning?"

Actually, quite useful that he has a tent. He will have somewhere to live when you kick him out :)

I have bed trying to put myself in your shoes and imagine how I would have felt , I would find that quite hard to forgive, it is so utterly selfish.

*been, not bed!

its always the men that just walk out though isnt it

imagine a woman going ive had enough off out for the night with no notice

@whynotwhatknot

Yep. Hence why I used to get really angry and upset with my DP for doing this (and he only went for a couple hours to "clear his head" after a row). I actually said to him at one point "imagine if I just did that - right I'm off! What would you do?" He just went (sheepishly) "look after the DC and get on with it, I suppose".

But I've learned through experience in my case that he's a much more reasonable person after a couple hours away to cool off (and tbh it does help me to calm down and gain some perspective too). So in our case it's probably become a more useful way of dealing with conflict between us.

But if he announced he was away overnight last minute - even after an argument - I'd be furious. That's too far.

He's still selfish, but the argument is the context missing from the OP.

@grapewines

Exactly! Thank you - this is what I meant.

I think there needs to be a conversation about he needs to understand it can't be just your life that changes now. Anything that involves overnight, being out late, having the car for long periods needs advance notice and mutual agreement. You are entitled to say that you don't want him to go, especially if it's a difficult patch for your little ones. You are also entitled to have time to yourself - he's a parent too and is capable of looking after his own kids.

I think a lot of men, even well intentioned ones, totally fail to grasp this. They grew up seeing their dads getting on with their lives while mum did the lion's share of childcare and I think it just doesn't occur to them that their partners don't have the degree of freedom to drop everything and go out, and/or on some level they think 'Oh, if she wanted to do stuff, she'd ask wouldn't she?' and women have been primed by the same parental example to not ask and slave on put their own needs to the back of the queue. So have that talk.

@AcrossthePond55

Takes me around 15 mins to leave for camping. The kit is stored in the kit bag in the garage, so it's just a case of grabbing clothes and putting on my bike gear (we go by motorcycle so kit is very light, we buy food there). We pack the bag once the tent etc is washed down and dry from previous trip.

YANBU, I'd be massively pissed off at this. I'd probably have booked a spa break for me (even if it's for when the baby has stopped breastfeeding) before he even returned home tbh.

If my DH did this, he wouldn't be coming back

I think this is exactly it.

Thanks for the laugh!

You're so right, @Echobelly

If he does this again I'd be telling him to take the 2 year old with him

Apparently it "didn't affect me at all in anyway" as he'd already put toddler to bed before he went and came back early (10am, been up for 4 hours by then)

He’s totally ignorant of the fact that he is a parent and can’t just dip into and out of his responsibilities, which are no less than yours.

Have you told him how you feel about this? You don't want him doing it again tomorrow.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. You can’t reciprocate right now because you’re BF the baby. That won’t always be the case. I suggest a point in time when both kids are still early risers, still too young to be left unsupervised, and not old enough to truly entertain themselves. Maybe when the younger is potty training and you’ve promised the older soft play. Give them both some sweets. Then it’s “I’m off not-camping” and off you swan in the family car. Tit for tat, fair’s fair, he cannot rebuke you. Savour this plan and refine it for the next year; you’ve time on your hands on maternity leave to really perfect it.

@Midlifemusings

"You are not being unreasonable on multiple levels
That he took off without discussion
That he left you home alone with two young kids
That he took the family car
That he thought it was appropriate to go camping with an 8 week old baby and toddler at home - for no reason other than his own enjoyment of camping
That he didn't give you warning or time to plan
There are just so many things wrong with this actions and attitude to this..."

This ^

I'd have ripped him a new one on the spot.

Stop being a doormat.

When I used to go camping solo. I had my tent, bedding (in a large for life) & 2 plastic crates ready to go. I could, if pressed, be in the car in about 5 minutes. & that was putting clothes in a bag too. He said he was going overnight, not for the summer & he didn't take the kids.

Sure it's fine. Next weekend express some milk. And at toddler bedtime say, I'm of to the spa with my friend for the night I'll be back tomorrow after a few treatments.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander!

& when you can leave dc with him make sure you give them baked beans as well as sweets & of course you can do this before dc1 is potty trained & when you can express & freeze enough milk for an over night posh hotel break or spa

That reminds me of Brokeback Mountain movie when Ennis rushes in to grab some things and announces to his wife that he's heading up the mountains to go fishing with Jack and leaves her with a baby and toddler.