To expect people to be able to control their children on planes?

[Ace56]

I recently returned from a long haul trip with connecting flights, so was on 5 planes altogether.

On 4 of these flights I was around children who’s parents just seemed to pussyfoot around them and seemed unable to control them.

Flight 1 - mum and 2 kids in the row in front of me. Dad across the aisle, plonks himself down on his laptop for the entire flight. Little boy (around 2-3) EXTREMELY loud, continuous shrieking, disrupting his sister. They had brought nothing for him to do - no iPad/colouring/books, so no wonder he was bored. Just shrieked constantly to get mum’s attention. Dad did absolutely nothing to help, didn’t offer to take him. Neither took him for a walk down the aisle or anything - he literally was in his seat the entire flight, absolutely bored shitless and disturbing everyone around him.

Flight 2 - girl of about 3 sitting behind me, next to mum. Dad across the aisle. Was fine during the flight but kept switching between mum and dad, and taking it in turns to sit on their lap watching her iPad. When it came to landing, she still wanted to switch every few mins. Air hostess politely told them a few times that she needs to be seated now for landing. Parents meekly tried to make her sit still with one of them but eventually gave up, so for the actual landing she ended up in the aisle (very dangerous) with mum holding onto her T-shirt. Air hostesses were seated at this point so couldn’t do anything/didn’t notice.

Flight 3 - boy of about 5 in front of me, standing up in his seat, leaning back into the seat, generally jumping around. Mum apologised but made no real attempt to stop him.

Flight 4 - large extended family sitting in various places around the plane. Children allowed to shout at each other across rows and over people’s heads, not told to stop once.

AIBU to despair at parenting these days if this is the norm? Have other people come across situations like this or was I just very unlucky?!

Dh & I went on 11 hour flight when 3 dc were young - I packed: a new toy to be unwrapped little polly pocket in a case different one for each child) biscuits, and an activity books sets with colouring books & pencils (plus rubbers & pencil sharpeners) & a cassette player with ear phones & small book each - dh had one dc I had 2 dc had inside seats - I genuinely don't think my dc annoyed the other passengers. If you have dc on long journeys you have to be prepared for your sanity as well as others

This old argument always gets trotted out, but I have yet to be on a flight where adults have behaved badly. Maybe it is because I travel to destinations that don't appeal to the type of adult who can't behave on an aeroplane.

Such as where @RampantIvy? It would be interesting for you to enlighten us as to what destinations have badly behaved adults & which ones don't?

Have you also considered that some of us are 1st or 2nd gen immigrants & have less choice as to where we travel? But judge away 😆

It's amazing how some parents totally ignore their children's behaviour. A friend of mine worked as cabin crew and told the story of a child round 4 or 5 who decided to crush up a whole pot of Pringles all over the floor while the parents just ignored them. She calmly went over with a dust pan and brush and said 'there you go , can you clear it up now'. No way was she going to clear it up when it was such a deliberate act.

@yeahy well, exactly. In a (suspiciously?) similar experience to some of those described in the OP on a recent flight with a very difficult, overstimulated three year old after a lengthy airport delay, I tried iPads, snacks, crayons, reading books, phones, pointing out funny shaped clouds, moving him about between us and walking up and down the aisle (but this is also irritating and bad parenting apparently?). Nothing appeased him, and resorting to holding his legs and arms down in utter desperation just made him even worse, as he doesn't respond well to physical restraint. And yes, he is indeed "being assessed" but sure, perhaps it's all just bad behaviour and terrible parenting.

I see a lot of 'well if the parents are trying to control them it's different', but ultimately if they can't really be successfully controlled, for whatever reason, the result is the same - and how can you see everything that people are trying to do? Anyway, I've learned my lesson and will not fly with my DS again for a long, long time. And do please know that most parents, I wager, who are grappling with unruly babies and toddlers are truly mortified and would pay any money for an escape hatch.

The ones afraid of their kids not liking them end up with kids who hate them anyway.

You mentioned that it is mostly boys. It's socialisation. Boys are allowed to get away with far more than girls. Girls are praised for being compliant.

I have every sympathy and lots of tolerance for children who scream on a plane due to ear ache but zero sympathy for children who are just badly behaved due to poor parenting.

I am that person who will turn around and tell your child to stop kicking my seat or to sit down and stop hanging over their seat in my direction. And I don't care if the parents like it or not. If they won't parent their child then I will.

And yes I do have children (grown up now) who would never have behaved like that on a plane or in a restaurant because they were taught not to. And DS could be a handful at times.

@medb22 i think - unless they can actually see that the parents have gone to sleep/are ignoring it and focusing on their laptop/some other clear evidence that they aren’t trying - people should assume that the parents of unruly small children are doing what they can and would definitely prefer it if their child would just sit still, quietly.

mostly, if I hear a screaming baby or toddler on a plane, I feel very glad that it’s not me that’s having to deal with it.

I’ve travelled Virgin Upper Class and still had to suffer through the screaming and constant running into the upper class section from someone’s child further down the plane

ive just endured 9 hours in upper class with 3 kids at the end of a 30 hour journey back from holiday in Hawaii in it

why the parents made the kids and other passengers suffer I don’t know. Shouting, screaming, iPads with no headphones. We were stuck on tarmac for a while and couldn’t hear the pilots messages due to the noise. They were never once told to stop shouting

both parents just sat back with headphones and seemed to think it was the cabin crews job to entertain the kids

YANBU. End of .

In cases 3 and 4 yanbu. But having been on a (mercifully relatively short) flight with ds when he was 2/3yo it's so, so hard with particularly 'active' toddlers - even when you take things to entertain them, as we did. He had his own little bag with various things in, and we thought he might sleep as we knew he was tired. But when ds was tired he went the other way and became hyperactive and eventually went full on meltdown so when I was trying to keep him still on my lap/ out of other people's way, as he refused to either sleep or play, he began hitting and kicking me and screaming. Dh's interventions only served to make him worse. Thankfully the man next to me was incredibly understanding. At that age he couldn't understand why he had to remain seated for take off/ landing and wanted to explore - and that's what set him off, feeling restrained.

At 11, he's a very lovely, normal, polite and easily entertained boy who travels well. At 3 he was feral.

Expecting toddlers/ preschoolers to travel well on a flight is pretty naive. They're not known for being accommodating, easily entertained and just sitting there nicely. As Prince Louis recently proved!

Yanbu. I've done lots of transatlantic flights with babies, toddlers and small children, often on my own. It's work. Hard work. You do not get to sleep, read, watch a movie, eat comfortably, use the bathroom when you want... You are ON DUTY. The only thing standing between relative calm and full fledged misery is your ability to soothe and distract your child. It is hard fucking work.

I'll never forget the family across the aisle from me who had brought NOTHING to entertain their 4 or 5 year old on a 9 hour flight. This was before onboard entertainment was a given as well. They clocked the books, colouring, sweets, cars etc I had brought along for my 3 year old son and send theirs over to play and both went to sleep!!!

Parents: you do not get to sleep on a flight if your young kid is still awake!!!

I don’t think you are being UR in expecting parents to at least try to monitor and calm their kids behaviour.

It’s not the children’s fault.
I think most parents do their best to entertain their kids on a flight, but some parents probably give up / or just pretend not to notice.

Tbh, the worst behaviour I’ve witnessed on flights have all been perpetrated by full grown adults!

All of this!

I always flew alone with my young DC’s. They were taught from their first flight, the expectations of being on a plane. You are not allowed out of your seat ( I actually told them they had to keep the seat belt on), you need to sit still, you need to talk quietly. They had headphones, some nibbles, some books and a comfort toy. They didn’t ever question the rules and expectations.

We were complimented by an older lady for how well behaved they were, ( even though she admitted she considered asking for a move of seat when she boarded and saw we were sitting near her!).

The worst behaviour I’ve experienced on any form of public transport has always been from adults. Usually groups of them.

One memorable flight from San Francisco to London, the cabin crew gave the woman sitting next to me 4 or 5 little bottles of wine in the first couple of hours of the flight. She then proceeded to try to grab my breasts and kept touching my bum. And no one would treat this seriously as sexual harassment.

The crew wouldn’t move her. They eventually sat me in a jump seat for many hours and then found me a proper seat for landing.

I remember being on a plane years ago. A dad was behind me with a child of about 2, it kept constantly standing on the seat and grabbing the back of my seat, occasionally grabbing my hair.

the dad started to explain to it that ‘we all had personal space and it was invading mine’
it was a toddler.

and yes I have had a child, who’s now an adult. Nope mine wasn’t allowed to do it or run amok. We did an awful lot of long travelling by car, aeroplane and horse lorries up and down the country.
a car tv (no iPads then) and earphones were a god send.

I voted yabu because you never know whether the kids have sen, the day started at 4am, the kids are on one last energy trip before sleep etc.

I wouldn't let mine run riot but I can see why you might just not have the energy after a long trip.

I actually think I’d go a step further and refuse to allow parents with young children to book into flights that aren’t designated “young child friendly”. Anyone else can book onto those flights knowing what they’re in for, but not vice versa. If the general public can’t expect kids to fly well then there should be flights designed for kids who can’t be expected to fly well. The rest of us can fly in peace.

I realise this will never happen but a woman can dream.

Yup - this is it. No-one is asking for miracles - but positive attempts are definitely needed!

Hope one day to be able to afford business class flights, let alone 1st class!

So on the first flight you wanted the dad to do something about the kid and on the second flight it bothered you that the mum and dad were both dealing with the kid... Just not the right way apparently.

And on the rest of the flights the kids were either audible or visible or both, the cheek of them.

The problem with taking a toddler for one walk down the aisle is that one walk is never enough for a toddler. You end up walking the kid for hours crouched over, your back hurting, getting in other people's way, the kid stopping and grabbing at people he passes. Not great. Best to stay in your seat with the toddler.

I assume you don't have kids or if you are a parent youve never flown long haul with them, or maybe it's never occurred to you that all children are different and what works for one won't work for all the rest of them.

I have flown from both NY and Chicago to London and Dublin with toddler, small children, and babies in tow. My kids were always content with little books, a few snacks, and other simple distractions. Lucky me. I understand well that other parents are dealing with different children.

Personally I think adults should have more patience.

Surely even people without children can distinguish between children who are distressed, or scared and whose parents are trying to attend to their needs and children who are behaving badly and whose parents are doing very little about the situation.

I had a seat kicker behind me on a flight once - he was probably about 8. When I turned round and asked him politely to stop, his dad said weakly "Max, don't do that mate" which had no effect whatsoever. I don't need to be a parent to have a right to be critical of that.

I am taking my four children away soon for the first time on a plane and 2 of them have SEN and 2 are under 3 and I just know at least one of them will kick off regardless of being super prepared to entertain and distract them etc. Sorry in advance anyone on our flight.

I agree those children were all badly behaved. But to be honest I have had a lot more flights disrupted by badly behaved adults so I get kind of pissed off at threads that focus on child behaviour being disruptive.

When I get on a plane, seeing a group clearly on a hen or stag do will fill me with far more dread than children.

Definitely

We have an asd + adhd child who would become very violent sometimes.

We did 2 x 11 hour flights when she was 7 without incident. It can be done.