To expect people to be able to control their children on planes?

[Ace56]

I recently returned from a long haul trip with connecting flights, so was on 5 planes altogether.

On 4 of these flights I was around children who’s parents just seemed to pussyfoot around them and seemed unable to control them.

Flight 1 - mum and 2 kids in the row in front of me. Dad across the aisle, plonks himself down on his laptop for the entire flight. Little boy (around 2-3) EXTREMELY loud, continuous shrieking, disrupting his sister. They had brought nothing for him to do - no iPad/colouring/books, so no wonder he was bored. Just shrieked constantly to get mum’s attention. Dad did absolutely nothing to help, didn’t offer to take him. Neither took him for a walk down the aisle or anything - he literally was in his seat the entire flight, absolutely bored shitless and disturbing everyone around him.

Flight 2 - girl of about 3 sitting behind me, next to mum. Dad across the aisle. Was fine during the flight but kept switching between mum and dad, and taking it in turns to sit on their lap watching her iPad. When it came to landing, she still wanted to switch every few mins. Air hostess politely told them a few times that she needs to be seated now for landing. Parents meekly tried to make her sit still with one of them but eventually gave up, so for the actual landing she ended up in the aisle (very dangerous) with mum holding onto her T-shirt. Air hostesses were seated at this point so couldn’t do anything/didn’t notice.

Flight 3 - boy of about 5 in front of me, standing up in his seat, leaning back into the seat, generally jumping around. Mum apologised but made no real attempt to stop him.

Flight 4 - large extended family sitting in various places around the plane. Children allowed to shout at each other across rows and over people’s heads, not told to stop once.

AIBU to despair at parenting these days if this is the norm? Have other people come across situations like this or was I just very unlucky?!

Lot of kids have things like adhd and autism etc and are very over stimulated by flying and much less manageable than usual as a result. In these situations the parent telling a child off for the benefit of what everyone judging you on the plane might think can often escalate a problem. You won’t know who these kids are by looking at them so best to keep an open mind. However hard it is for you for the short flight duration it can be a lot harder for the parent who is struggling and having people judging when you’re trying your best feels horrific. I’ve had lots of horrible comments from people on planes about my son who has a neurological disorder and it’s really upsetting. Now he’s older we can use focus medication and it calms the situation on a plane. Obviously people should bring entertainment for their kids and try their best though. Also many young kids won’t have much experience of flying because of the pandemic, so it probably exacerbates the problem.

Sadly many don’t give a flying fudge about others feelings or experiences in enclosed spaces anymore. Many more are just rude. Unless these kids had special needs reasons for behaving as they do the staff should have had words! Yes there are situations where kids lose control, as kids they can’t always control their emotions, but that is where good parenting & preparing for the flight comes in. Surprised the flight crew didn’t offer the kids flight packs.
As for the parents who let their child into the aisle while the plane was landing they are the worst in this case & that is a serious safeguarding flag for me! Not being able to control your child in a ‘no choice but to stay seated because you could die otherwise’ situation is bad!!
My child would have been pinned in that seat for their own safety & I’d just apologise to everyone for the noise after we landed.

YANBU. I used to travel from overseas to the UK with my 3 DC from when the eldest was six months. The last time was when they were aged 10, 8 & almost 3 and we had a 90 minute flight followed by 8 hr stopover, then 11 hours overnight flight - door to door the journey was a little over 24 hours. The whole process was reversed when we went home. I think I did it 8 times in total over 10 years, and on one occasion I was 34 weeks pregnant with a toddler. My husband came with us on one occasion only. The rest of the time it was me and the DC. We never, ever had a problem. They just behaved. But if they hadn’t, I would have done something about it - I’d have been mortified if they’d been disturbing other passengers.

Luckily I’ve only ever come across screaming babies on the Emirate night flights, but their parents will let them scream & the staff will pick them up & condole them. But I’m just glad they’re not mine, & I feel for the parents that try. I know take off & landing hurts their ears, it does mine so I hate to think what they go through. On my last flight there were about 5 toddlers who were as good as gold, apart from one who was a little shit. The parents got told by staff. One sweet kid was holding out her dummy to little shit to try & help.

we've travelled lots of times in business with the kids. loved seeing the dread on some people faces when we arrived with 2 small kids. They were always so well behaved, much easier with more room etc though.

I endured a 9 hour flight once with a Mum, Dad and toddler in the row behind. The mother had the child on her lap and it kicked the back of my seat non-stop for most of the flight. Quite early on, I politely asked the mother if the child could stop as it was disturbing my chance of sleep. She could have handed the child to her partner or had the child at a different angle on her lap, but she did not and the child kicked my seat virtually the entire journey. I do not know what to make of people like this, it was so miserable that they did not care about anyone else..

All the kids misbehaving can't all be on the spectrum. I think there is a lot of excuses for letting kids misbehave and acting as if nothing can be done.

I've traveled alone with two kids under 4 and it is certainly about putting the efforts in. Starting with letting them know what to expect, communicating with them to explain what is happening, answering their questions, having a bottle or dummy for take off/landing (and explaining in advance it will be the only time they can have it), alternating time for snacks, watching something on the screen with headphones, reading, sticker books, colouring, nap, etc...

It takes a lot of involvement but so worth it to be told how well behaved the children have been.

If a parent is not able to manage a tantrum, because you certainly can't always prevent them, then the children are not ready to travel on a train or plane.

Whereas you sound delightful…

Anyway, YABU OP. And you sound like you’re the entitled one, does the sound of children’s voices bother you that much, should they be seen and not heard?! I have a young child and as long as they’re not hurting anyone, or being rude etc., then I’ll try and get through the flight as best as I can and not take all the fun out of what should be an exciting experience.

Live and let live people!

There was still time to remove the lazy parents and their child, it's a pity that the airline dodn't do it, if only as a lesson to others.

Same! I think airlines might be missing a trick with this one. And I'm also sure there are plenty of parents who'd love to stick their offspring on a kids-only flight whilst they take the adults-only flight!

Had there been serious turbulence/air pocket that girl would basically have hit the roof of the plane and died. Possibly falling on another passenger who also could have died.
They should have been banned from flying again, idiot parents.

So the first family you were annoyed at lack of involvement from dad and lack of technology to keep said child entertained then you were annoyed that what you are complaining didn’t happen on the first flight was happening on the second because it didn’t couple with your expectations? Pick a struggle lady.

I have 4 children from 5-14, YANBU. I hate other people's kids for the most part, mine know better than to mess around plus I take plenty to occupy them

You must be childless to not understand how difficult children CAN find it travelling. Confined in the air restrained to an isle seat and you want them to do it quietly?! Crazyyy

First time we travelled with our daughter around 20 months I was so worried about how she was going to behave! We went extremely prepared with all manner of things to entertain her and shed loads of snacks even though the flight was relatively short and miraculously she was fine and people even thanked and praised us which was lovely. We built up the flight times each holiday and have been fortunate that had no problems.

Tbh this is why I won't take my kids on a plane. My son has ADHD and wouldn't cope at all if things didn't go exactly as they should do.

Why should I inflict his meltdowns on other people?

I would say, if you have the type of children who can't 'cope' - don't fly. Holiday in GB instead.

Not quietly, just not disturbing others too much. Not crazy at all.

I like to read on a flight so don’t forget those parents who allow children to watch a movie or play a loud game on an iPad at full volume. It’s not to much to ask that they wear headphones.

Totally get both sides as I have a 3 year old. My mother was horrified that I had to bring him to a funeral but packed lots of stuff, sat by an exit and he was fantastic. We’ve all seen the parent struggles and most of us understand but I do agree when it starts to annoy others it unfair. Children do need to understand that they do occasionally just have to sit- I’m a mum who refuses the iPad in the car... he has to learn to cope with not being stimulated all the time. I personally am going to wait a bit longer for long haul flights till my children are older but that’s personal preference and the fact is my passports out but I do understand that some people have to travel long distances with kids and do it well.

How do you manage on long car journeys?

As an expat we travel frequently, and long haul. I have two young children and I can attest to how tough it is to keep them quiet and still! It’s nobody else’s problem, I get it, but sometimes no matter how hard I try it’s tough. We always take iPads, colouring, plentiful snacks and drinks, books, toys etc but 12 hours on a plane can be challenging. So while I think YANBU I also sympathise with those parents who are actually trying their best to no avail. Travelling long haul is tiring for everyone and while yes, ideally your children would behave like little angels we all know that no child is well behaved, all the time.

To those saying ‘I’ve travelled with my kids and they’re always well behaved, never had any problems’ - congratulations. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the parents of absolute terrors getting off a plane congratulating each other on how well behaved their kids have been while literally everyone else rolls their eyes incredulously behind them, wondering whose kids they’ve been watching because it can’t have been their own! We have good flights where my kids are model travellers, and we have bad flights where everyone is glad to see the back of us. Now when I see a parent struggling with kids on a flight I try and be sympathetic and understanding rather than judgy.

As we have family on the other side of the world we’ve been on 24hr flights with our children since they were tiny babies. I always mentally prepared myself that I wouldn’t likely be able to sleep or rest for those 24hrs. When the childen were 2 and up we prepared them for what would happen on the flight and how to behave, for ages.. I brought bribes and snacks just in case. But it always went beyond expectation.

I think the phrase some people might be missing in your post is "long haul". So, not people going for a package holiday and back - these will more frequently be people travelling for nonholiday reasons like a family wedding or funeral, or even emigrating which means it's less likely to have been a choice as to destination or length of flight. It may also have been an emergency journey which means less time to prepare or plan.

It also means it's more likely that you're not the only one doing more than one flight in that day - whilst most kids will sit and colour nicely for an hour or so most of them will be hitting the ceiling and trying to dance in their seats on hour 6. And parents are human and may also have hit their limit on exhaustion.

Still annoying? Absolutely. And to be honest after that many flights you were probably on edge yourself and more easily annoyed than usual. And the little girl in the aisle was dangerous no matter what the circumstances. However this is a case where how people parent on their worst days is not necessarily the same as how they will parent in day to day life.

But, I’m always sympathetic to parents travelling with their children, if it’s obvious that the parejra are trying their best but for some reason it doesn’t work.

On my last long haul, one of the pilots came to speak to the parents of 3 kids who weren't behaving. Mum and dad just shrugged when asked to get their children to sit down and behaved. Mum made a huge fuss when the stewards refused to serve her alcohol. Finally the pilot came out and told Mum and Dad that if they didn't control their children, the police and social work would be waiting in Scotland to deal with them, their children and the mother's alcohol problem! End of bad behaviour and the kids behaved themselves all the way home. Some times shaming the parents works!