To expect people to be able to control their children on planes?

[Ace56]

I recently returned from a long haul trip with connecting flights, so was on 5 planes altogether.

On 4 of these flights I was around children who’s parents just seemed to pussyfoot around them and seemed unable to control them.

Flight 1 - mum and 2 kids in the row in front of me. Dad across the aisle, plonks himself down on his laptop for the entire flight. Little boy (around 2-3) EXTREMELY loud, continuous shrieking, disrupting his sister. They had brought nothing for him to do - no iPad/colouring/books, so no wonder he was bored. Just shrieked constantly to get mum’s attention. Dad did absolutely nothing to help, didn’t offer to take him. Neither took him for a walk down the aisle or anything - he literally was in his seat the entire flight, absolutely bored shitless and disturbing everyone around him.

Flight 2 - girl of about 3 sitting behind me, next to mum. Dad across the aisle. Was fine during the flight but kept switching between mum and dad, and taking it in turns to sit on their lap watching her iPad. When it came to landing, she still wanted to switch every few mins. Air hostess politely told them a few times that she needs to be seated now for landing. Parents meekly tried to make her sit still with one of them but eventually gave up, so for the actual landing she ended up in the aisle (very dangerous) with mum holding onto her T-shirt. Air hostesses were seated at this point so couldn’t do anything/didn’t notice.

Flight 3 - boy of about 5 in front of me, standing up in his seat, leaning back into the seat, generally jumping around. Mum apologised but made no real attempt to stop him.

Flight 4 - large extended family sitting in various places around the plane. Children allowed to shout at each other across rows and over people’s heads, not told to stop once.

AIBU to despair at parenting these days if this is the norm? Have other people come across situations like this or was I just very unlucky?!

Good shout, she loves books!

@Thatboymum

I'm sorry, that sounds really hard. I think this thread has made a lot of us anxious!

@Thatboymum that sounds very hard. Ultimately you can only do your best.

DS has some adhd adjacent behaviors (i am assured he isn't actually adhd but he is sensory seeking, cannot sit still and cannot stop messing with objects around him) but has always been good if you give him iPad. Will yours concentrate on a screen for any length of time?

Does he like fidget toys? You could get him a supply of new small toys and puzzles and let him open a new one every half hour?

I’ve got 2 kids and we live in Australia. DH’s family is in UK and some of mine in US. That’s 14-26 hrs in flights each way.

The issue isn’t the kids’ behaviour it’s whether the parents make an effort. Many parents just throw their hands up “he’s 2 I can’t control him” and let the kid run wild. That’s selfish and lazy. Snidely calling other people ‘perfect parents’ won’t change the fact that you’re giving up without even trying. It’s not just on planes, it’s in shops and parks and libraries. God forbid a kid ever hears the word no or has it explained to them that other people live in the world too and we need to be considerate of them.

It’s manageable and just the norm for us here but a plane is just new territory and I just don’t want him to miss out on such life experiences because of who he is and inconveniencing others for 3 hours, I don’t mind at all if people want to judge me for what they will assume is lack of parenting but I hate to think a stranger will judge him ! He’s not big on his iPad at all he has such a short attention span but your idea about small packed new toys is actually fab and something I think would work so well for him thanks for suggesting that I’d literally never have thought that creatively 💕He is prescribed melatonin and I’m considering giving him his tablet as we get on the plane in the afternoon rather than bed as it may mellow him out if not make him sleep but it feels sad to have to do that for the convenience of others x

Also @Thatboymum if possible get a front row seat so he can't kick anyone

Don’t get me wrong I sympathise with the poster but it deffo has made a few of us more worried than we probs already were x

@Aria999 Oh no I never thought of that 🤣 I actually deliberately booked the very back seats so he was near the toilet and so he had nobody to piss off behind us haha

What does he do at home when you tell him no?

You take the tray away and you move him to the next room, maybe tip out his box of blocks and encourage him to build a nice big tower to knock over.

This is obviously what the mother of the tray banger should have done on the plane.

I have done a lot of short and long haul flights with my children. Between the ages of 1-3.5 years it can be difficult to manage their behaviour. Only now, I have learnt to bring along a bribe ( chocolate) to persuade them to sit down with a seatbelt for landing or turbulence.

The nicest flight I had was with my very young child and sat next to another mother, she was kind, and empathetic and assisting when my little one was playing up. Kindness costs nothing.

I've experienced worse behaviour from adults on planes to be honest ... drinking too much, talking very loudly across rows, pulling on the back of my seat constantly, rudeness to the cabin crew, talking loudly on a night flight as people are trying to sleep, using their own devices and not wearing headphones... Why do we always focus on kids and their behaviour in these situations when a lot of adults have no idea how to be considerate of others on a plane. I think in part it's so we can feel superior and blame the parents when our own kids are obviously so well behaved and never annoy anyone 😁

This.

100% this.

Thinking back on flights I have experienced with badly behaved children, if the parents are actually trying to parent (successfully or not), I smile sympathetically and on a couple of occasions have offered to help.

When the parents can’t be bothered to parent, I am not the only person in the cabin shooting them dirty looks and praying for a tail wind to speed up the flight.

I do sympathise where I see a child is going berserk & a parent is trying to sort the problem but can't. Not much you can do except maybe offer to help or smile sympathetically.

My worst flight was where my friend had a young girl - maybe five or six - kicking the back of her chair constantly (swinging her legs). I asked the child politely to stop as it was hurting my friend's back (friend would never confront anyone but I was copping her sour mood instead). Girl stopped for about a minute before starting again. So I whipped around & told her mother to please stop her daughter kicking or, if she preferred, I could kneel on my chair backwards watch her daughter the entire flight to ensure she didn't start kicking again. It worked & mum finally told her child to behave & stopped her every time she started because she KNEW I would do it.

I'm not sure what your point is. Are you suggesting that immigrants are more badly behaved when traveling? That certainly has not been my experience.

As a child free frequent flyer…

parent who is doing their best but child is tantrumming/kicking off because you are trying to stop them doing something dangerous/annoying to other passengers… you have my greatest sympathies, you have a tough job there but are doing your best to be considerate to other passengers, thank you!

child running riot, annoying everyone else, failure to even make any attempt to control/distract, even when asked by crew/other passengers, absolutely 0 sympathy. Particularly when a safety issue is involved, there are some things that are just non negotiable!

YDNBU. I just got off a long haul flight with my 3yo. I’m sure we irritated people getting off with the buggy & she shrieked a couple times but literally maybe 2 times. We did a lot of quiet serious voice talking to when she was whining about being bored and brought a lot for her to do. It was BLOODY hard work though so I can understand why people just give up… kind of.

Yes I agree. It would be easier for parents too. There are always going to be a few entitled fuckwit parents but majority are going to be stressing and desperately trying to keep the line between kids and other passengers.

This is why I always fly business class on the long haul. Not that I've been anywhere since Covid. Short-haul generally isn't a problem.

Parents meekly tried to make her sit still with one of them but eventually gave up, so for the actual landing she ended up in the aisle (very dangerous) with mum holding onto her T-shirt. Air hostesses were seated at this point so couldn’t do anything/didn’t notice.

They could be banned from the airline. I would contact the airline about this one. That child was a danger to every passenger on the plane.

Business class all the way. That’s the solution. Even if there is an occasional child in business class their nanny is usually there too. Flying is actually enjoyable in business class.

I use noise canceling headphones with nothing playing and the flight is almost silent, whatever is going on. You need a full over-the-ear model like Bose QC45. If you can still hear something then it's always possible to play some music.

@Lakeowlmoon why should the 16 month old miss out so someone else can have a quite flights. It's only a big bus in the sky if it bothers people that much take some noise cancelling headphones.

OP the only one that would worry me is the girl not in her seat for landing in case she got hurt.

Agree.

It's entirely different if you're not bothering to even try and control your child. But I do feel for those who are desperately trying and I don't get annoyed about that.

Thinking back, I've been disturbed more times by fully grown adults on flights than children! One guy having to be escorted off the plane before it even took off by police, pissed as a fart after hitting a member of the cabin crew. Disgusting.

Don't worry about taking your kids on planes, you'll be grand once you're considerate. I have never ever had an issue with my kids or passengers on a plane. They've been loud sometimes and annoying, and once or twice they've screamed the plane down but we've never had anything but sympathy. But also I've never read a book on the plane or a magazine. Dh and I share the load. We let our usual rules drop so way more snacks and screen time than normal, as someone said above it can be stressful so we cut the kids slack as a result and if they want to graze for the whole flight so be it. I also overpack things for them to do. I will argue the toss with them over headphones though- no headphones no screen.

dh and I do swop seats so one of us can have a drink at a time (tea or wine depending on how it's going, wine if it's calm and if it's chaotic wine).

we also never need help with bags we try to be super organised and always assume both of us might end up carrying a child. I've noticed the more together we have it the more offers of help we get. Same if they're screaming, if we're all over it we don't really get angry looks, the odd sympathy one. Also never ever make eye contact with someone first and don't shrug. If someone makes eye contact with you apologise and sympathise with the baby.

oh also playing eye spy with the passenger behind is cute for about 30 seconds. Distract them after that. The person behind probably doesn't know how to end the game politely.

@Ace56 I bet you aren’t a parent. I think sometimes adults can expect children to be like adults , they don’t have the same cognitive ability and in most cases many toddlers find it physically difficult to sit still , even impossible and it’s nothing to do with discipline. It’s really typical to judge pre-kids and think you would do it so much better , I did and now I cringe so much 😬
Even if your at the stage of sleepy , immobile baby; I haven’t read the full thread but imagine there’s some commenting on how they travelled with their one baby and it was fine, generally it is with a smallie! Toddlers though……
One of my dcs was 2 when I flew before and it was a 4 hour flight , I’m very firm , sensible parent etc etc , my toddler was by far my easiest going toddler in general , very happy and chilled. Not.on.the.plane though , we had gotten up at 4 am and there was a big delay at the airport and children unlike adults v v often don’t just drop off and nap when tired, instead they can completely lose the plot which my dc did on the plane, I tried everything even an iPad ( which btw parents get judged for too🤷🏻‍♀️), snacks, reading , distraction, trying to get him to sleep… nothing worked. I’m sure it was really annoying for people but that’s life , I tried my absolute best. I’ve flown loads with dcs and usually it’s fine , it’s actually been adults causing problems and making noise but again that’s life , it’s public transport. Maybe these parents were having a bad day and you are just seeing that behaviour in that timeframe. I remember a little boy who was clearly having a meltdown on a flight and clearly had sn and I was so shocked about the tutting from others , have empathy, you might well be in that situation one day except you won’t as your kids will never behave like that as you’ll be a strict and together parent unlike all the others.