To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

...and another sweeping generalisation @ForestFae. Do tell us, how many jobs do you have actual experience of, that enables you to declare that all of them are not as 'intense' as looking after a baby at home?

So you think the SAHP just stays in the house and sleeps whenever they want? In my experience, sleep when the baby sleeps is the biggest crock of shit in existence - but I accept for others it may not be.

i don’t think it’s unreasonable for the working partner to do 2 or 3 nights with the baby, unless their job is something life or death related like surgery.

My point is that looking after children is “working”. It’s not like the parent who’s staying home has the day to themselves.

My first H flatly refused to do any night waking. We had a newborn and 19 month old, who woke up FIVE times a night EACH. I begged and pleaded, but he absolutely refused, so I was fucked. They were still both waking up when I went back to work. His excuse then, for not helping, was that he was the main earner, so he couldn't be tired at work, whereas I was only PT, so it didn't matter if I made mistakes at work. He's an ExH now, for different reasons (cheating), but still, what a knob!

Yeah he sounds like a complete knob, sorry you had to put up with that!

@ForestFae

I've been a SAHP, and FTWM. I'm not saying a SAHP does nothing all day and just sleeps, but if it's been a particularly bad night, yes you have the option to cancel the next day's plans and rest. Even something necessary like a Dr appointment, you just make that the only thing you do that day.

Being at work all day (in my case 12+ hours out the house) plus a sleepless night is definitely worse. And there is no point expecting my husband to do that if I'm at home the next day.

But the same works in reverse. If he's off the next day and I'm working then he'd do any night wakings.

One of the key reasons I decided against breast feeding was because I didn’t want to be solely responsible for all the night feeds.
Didnt care if breastfeeding was “better for the babeeeee”

Thanks again for answering.

See for me it was the opposite. I found when I worked, I could just zone out, sit in silence and do my job. Whereas as a SAHP, I am always on the go, doing activities with my dc. Now there are varying factors - all my dc have some form of additional needs (various combinations of adhd, autism, dyspraxia for all 3), all were NICU babies, none slept particularly well - but I really reject the assumption that the SAHP has it easier than anyone else. My DD for example, had a feeding tube until she was 11 months old. I had to constantly have nurses over as she’d pull it out multiple times a day at one point. I also had loads of consultant appointments, SALT appointments, physio, neurology, dieticians. Not just for her, all my kids were NICU babies, all have allergies. Now that’s an extreme example, and I don’t think that’s reflective of everyone’s experience at all, but I do think looking after a newborn particularly with other kids is an intense experience.

It does depend to a large extent what the job you do is. There are some jobs which are less stressful than childcare and where it may even seem relaxing after being with small children. And some where you could “zone out”.

Bur in plenty of jobs “zoning out” could get you fired on the spot. Or worse.

its about being practical

If I wasn’t on my own and my partner was working I would have still made choices around being practical not around some idea that at all times everything has to be equal or I’m less of a feminist and my partner doesn’t see me as equal

some really do overthink

I'm not saying the SAHP can sleep all day. I said they have more flexibility and can typically choose not to drive if too tired to do so safely. Rather than acknowledge that for the fact it is, you are arguing against something I didn't say.
Its perfectly possible to acknowledge that a SAHP gets tired without trying to push an often false narrative that it's harder, more important and higher risk than anything a person could possibly be doing outside of the home, unless their job involves life saving surgery. Its such a small world view that only looking after babies and life and death work is of any importance and needs a person to be on good form, and pretty insulting to women who do extremely important work.

It’s not about “everything having to be equal” if it was, we’d both work part time and share the childcare duties, which isn’t what we do - I’m a SAHM. It’s about both of you needing to not be completely sleep deprived and sharing the most difficult part, night feeds.

It is harder than many jobs, unless your job is something very specific. As I said, I’ve done both. Its not a false narrative at all.

Worked for us. It was a practical choice. I was on maternity. And I breast fed. 🤷‍♀️

Can't really get worked up about it.

That’s what maternity for, if you don’t need to leave your home you can look after the baby.
Women have been doing this for years, strong women.

My dd only slept in 20 min naps. I had a row with bil when he said this. It's way more exhausting being at home with a baby than going to work. I've ever done any job as exhausting as looking after a a baby. Both work in the day one at work one with baby so night feeds are split equally.

Maternity leave is not for constant sleep deprivation.

Exactly, both work just in different ways. I’m sick of the work mothers do being undervalued.

ForestFae it sounds like you had a very difficult time when your children were babies and I'm very sorry for that.
I was lucky enough to have two healthy children (albeit the first was extremely difficult and got me up three times a night until her sister was born 18 months later).
I still feel that looking after a healthy baby and toddler isn't more difficult than most jobs.
Surely it should mostly be pleasurable?

Why do you "rage" about mothers saying their partners don't do the night feeds because they're working?
Do you take it as an implied criticism of you? If your husband was happy doing the feeds, fine. And it sounds like you feel you have an extreme reaction to lack of sleep, so I presume you couldn't have done them. My SiL apparently had the same problem; my MiL used to explain that it was difficult for SiL: "She gets emotionally upset, not like you who can cope".

I suppose if you've taken on home education, that's a job in itself. But it's a choice. I still don't see why it's harder than anything else.

As has been pointed out on here, surgeons do shifts including nights for years, and still manage to cut people open on limited and broken sleep, so like fuck can someone not manage a desk job while waking in the night.

I went back to work at 8 months each time and my babies continued to wake in the night until 18mo. I ebf so I did do all the feeds, but DH did all non-feed getting up.

It is pleasurable, I’d argue it’s more intense but more rewarding. I get annoyed by it because I think it undervalues what mothers do. It’s the implication that he doesn’t do them because he works and therefore the mother doesn’t, when staying home and caring for children is very much work, albeit a different kind.

Well I breastfed ds and DP worked.

Whilst DP worked and ds and I were at home I could catch a nap when he did.

We then both had some catch up of sleep (DP didn't get up but the crying would wake him obviously!) when we needed it and could.

Yet somehow they can't manage to care for a baby? It can't be both ways.

It’s more that most adults can do either job, working or caring for a child, on limited sleep, but neither can do either job well with chronic sleep deprivation. That’s the problem.