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Original poster

MIL won't allow DS to bring teddy home

227 replies

Donnaslayer · 10/06/2022 12:55

Hello mumsnetters. My MIL looks after our DS 2.5yrs old every Friday. She loves having him. Now we dress him in a nice outfits but as soon as she gets him to her house she changes him out of them and into clothes shes bought him. There's no difference in style or anything other than shes bought them. Today for example we dressed him in a tshirt, tracksuit and spiderman trainer's. Shes changed him into a tshirt and jogger bottoms and hey dugee trainers that shes bought him. Now all bought clothes are not allowed home and she changes him out of them again before we pick him up. We use to send spare clothes for accidents but she told us not to bother as she has absolutely heaps of stuff for him. I think its a bit weird to buy so many clothes and shoes that our DS only gets to wear 1 day a week and will probably grow out of pretty sharpish. It's not good economics but hey it's her money, her perogative I guess. My DS has 3 favorite teddies, he takes 1 to all 3 most places. My issue is she's now bought him a Sonic the Hedgehog teddy last week, he loves Sonic but she told him/us it's staying here! Hes not allowed to take it home! DS Uncle was there too and backed MIL up. My DP had words with them about it but they were adamant. He laughed and asked why what do you think we're going to do with it? All we got back was it's staying here and they took it away and hid it while DS was having his nappy changed. Fortunately DS didn't notice but if he had there would have been hell to play. We both think it's so unfair to give DS a beloved teddy to play with all day and then tell him a toddler you can't take it home with you, it will be here next week sigh. Im thinking I'll just go buy him the same Sonic teddy as I cba with this pointless power struggle every week. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ithoughtsummerwascoming · 10/06/2022 18:36

Op as ever context is all. Some people will have amazing pils and dp who are not controlling In the slightest!
They will provide toys and clothes and might say... prefer toy stays but no problems at all if not.
Other posters can sense When someone Just wants control..I think she's trying to play mum and controlling.

Context is everything.

saraclara · 10/06/2022 18:43

Ithoughtsummerwascoming · 10/06/2022 18:36

Op as ever context is all. Some people will have amazing pils and dp who are not controlling In the slightest!
They will provide toys and clothes and might say... prefer toy stays but no problems at all if not.
Other posters can sense When someone Just wants control..I think she's trying to play mum and controlling.

Context is everything.

You don't have the context any more than the rest of us do. So why do you think you're right?

Ithoughtsummerwascoming · 10/06/2022 18:45

If I'm ever lucky enough to be a granny I will simply ask if I have a desire to buy outfit's..do you mind if I change X the moment they arrive?

Of course I wouldn't.

I would say... shall I buy some things for here ?
I would never forcefully withhold a teddy!!

autienotnaughty · 10/06/2022 20:38

I'd be tempted if he's upset next Tuesday he leaves without the teddy to say 'grandma's says it has to stay here' let her deal with the fall out. Commiserations on the mental mil I had similar. Tbf she got bored of buying clothes that barely got worn.

fUNNYfACE36 · 10/06/2022 20:53

Op How do you know she is changing him the minute he arrives, and back again just before he is picked up?

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 10/06/2022 20:59

My mum and MIL used to find outfits and toys in the charity shop for my kids. The toys stayed at theirs because we had enough crap clogging up our house.

The clothes came back if they happened to be wearing them when we picked them up. They only got changed if the clothes they were wearing got messed up OR MIL was encouraging my dd to be a pretty princessConfused She used to make them clothes too. My dd LOVED them. I loved that she loved them but I used to be quick to tell people "she chose her own clothes today."Grin She offer has that "just fell into the wardrobe" look.

Labpictures · 10/06/2022 21:01

It’s isn’t odd it’s downright controlling. Red flags all over this one.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 11/06/2022 06:14

It’s isn’t odd it’s downright controlling. Red flags all over this one

why? How is it controlling? What are the red flags?

when my step kids were young I used to get them both to change out of mum’s clothes and into the clothes I’d bought, then back into mum’s clothes to go home. This was because their mum made a huge fuss if they were missing a sock or a pair of pants and I had to go searching under beds or through the laundry pile for it as she couldn’t wait for the next visit.

Or they’d forget to pack their mum’s clothes or leave the bag in the car and I’d have to drive back! (Their mum bought all their clothes from Boden, she also got cross if they got grass stains or mud or food on their outfits!) She also didn’t like me washing them although I’d have been perfectly happy to send the clothes back washed and ironed.

So I bought them a few sets of clothes from Next and they wore those EOW. Same with PJs and shoes/boots, mum insisted they have separate ones for our house!

Anycrispsleft · 11/06/2022 06:29

HollowTalk · 10/06/2022 13:09

She's pretending that he is her child, isn't she?

Bingo. What would worry me is, is she keeping the teddy bear at her house hoping the wee boy will miss it and ask to come to grandma's? That would be a little manipulative and quite careless towards the wee boy's feelings. If I were you OP I would run for the hills try to be on my guard for other similar attempts. Make it clear to the wee one that granny's "presents" are basically granny's, you can play with them but you can't take them away with you. If it was a game or toy it would be different but kids get emotionally attached to teddy bears.

saraclara · 11/06/2022 07:41

What would worry me is, is she keeping the teddy bear at her house hoping the wee boy will miss it and ask to come to grandma's?

Good grief. Did you honestly think that this is more likely than GM simply wanting to have some toys at her house so that there's always something for him to play with when he visits?

I honestly don't understand the mindset of people who will search and search for the most negative and sinister explanation for a really straightforward action.

It's 100% normal and sensible for GPs to buy a few toys to keep at their house, especially if they do regular childcare.

Porcupineintherough · 11/06/2022 07:53

That's such a fucked up way to think @Anycrispsleft . You should be careful about revealing that's the way your mind works. Says far more about you than the OPS MiL.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/06/2022 07:57

Porcupineintherough · 11/06/2022 07:53

That's such a fucked up way to think @Anycrispsleft . You should be careful about revealing that's the way your mind works. Says far more about you than the OPS MiL.

Exactly! I couldn't have come up with that if I'd tried 😱

ChoiceMummy · 11/06/2022 08:08

Donnaslayer · 10/06/2022 12:55

Hello mumsnetters. My MIL looks after our DS 2.5yrs old every Friday. She loves having him. Now we dress him in a nice outfits but as soon as she gets him to her house she changes him out of them and into clothes shes bought him. There's no difference in style or anything other than shes bought them. Today for example we dressed him in a tshirt, tracksuit and spiderman trainer's. Shes changed him into a tshirt and jogger bottoms and hey dugee trainers that shes bought him. Now all bought clothes are not allowed home and she changes him out of them again before we pick him up. We use to send spare clothes for accidents but she told us not to bother as she has absolutely heaps of stuff for him. I think its a bit weird to buy so many clothes and shoes that our DS only gets to wear 1 day a week and will probably grow out of pretty sharpish. It's not good economics but hey it's her money, her perogative I guess. My DS has 3 favorite teddies, he takes 1 to all 3 most places. My issue is she's now bought him a Sonic the Hedgehog teddy last week, he loves Sonic but she told him/us it's staying here! Hes not allowed to take it home! DS Uncle was there too and backed MIL up. My DP had words with them about it but they were adamant. He laughed and asked why what do you think we're going to do with it? All we got back was it's staying here and they took it away and hid it while DS was having his nappy changed. Fortunately DS didn't notice but if he had there would have been hell to play. We both think it's so unfair to give DS a beloved teddy to play with all day and then tell him a toddler you can't take it home with you, it will be here next week sigh. Im thinking I'll just go buy him the same Sonic teddy as I cba with this pointless power struggle every week. Am I being unreasonable?

Imo, many grandparents have toys for visits to their houses.
If your toddler kicked off, as you put it, it would be no different to if they were in a shop, or nursery and had played with a toy.
You have the issue here imo.

SunonmyFace · 11/06/2022 08:30

am I the only one to wonder why you would bother changing a toddlers clothes if you didn’t have to? What a palava!

As for Sonic, no big deal.” Bye bye Sonic, see you next week” , Granny will look after him ( if he was bothered) I’d do this for DS, and not enter into power games with MIL

saraclara · 11/06/2022 08:34

am I the only one to wonder why you would bother changing a toddlers clothes if you didn’t have to? What a palava

If you'd bothered reading the thread (including my post just a few spaces above yours) you'd have seen why some GPs find it less stressful to do this.

C8H10N4O2 · 11/06/2022 10:49

Fortunately DS didn't notice but if he had there would have been hell to play. We both think it's so unfair to give DS a beloved teddy to play with all day and then tell him a toddler you can't take it home with you

But he didn't care so its not a "beloved teddy" - the only people who seem to care about it are you and (possibly) DP.

If the time comes when he asks for it or wants it then that might be different but it seems to be a bigger problem for you than for the actual child. Go and buy one by all means, that is exactly what your MiL is doing - duplicating content in her home.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/06/2022 10:58

3amAndImStillAwake · 10/06/2022 13:03

I wouldn't care at all about the clothes.

But I do think it's a bit mean to refuse to let them take a teddy if they notice. But your child hasn't noticed yet so hopefully it won't be an issue.

Strangely I am the polar opposite.

GP are absolutely allowed to choose and buy appropriate toys to entertain visiting dgc and keep them at their own home so they have something to play with there. If the parents want a sonic teddy at home, buy one for there.

Changing a child into clothes you have bought for no reason is bizzare and I would nip that one in the bud, because it is simply weird, what message does it give that child and when does it stop. Your child is not a dress up doll for your MIL.

EsmeSusanOgg · 11/06/2022 11:04

The toy thing isn't too strange (providing she doesn't hide any beloved toys he brings with him from home!) But changing kids out of clean clothes is WEIRD!

jamoncrumpets · 11/06/2022 11:06

All huge controlling red flags for me and I wouldn't be sending my child any more.

saraclara · 11/06/2022 11:21

jamoncrumpets · 11/06/2022 11:06

All huge controlling red flags for me and I wouldn't be sending my child any more.

Insane. I mean really.

If you read this thread, it's very clear that there are very good reasons for both GPs keeping both toys and changes of clothes at their houses. And yet you'd deprive a GP ( who's been providing free childcare) of their grandchild for doing normal stuff like buying toys and (probably) protecting the clothes that the GC came in?

In the absence of any other context, the GP has some nothing wrong here.

Beautiful3 · 11/06/2022 11:39

I think its normal to have toys that stay at nanny's. It means he'll always have a toy to play with when he's there. The outfit changes are werid though, I won't lie.

Beautiful3 · 11/06/2022 11:40

He's going to get to an age, when he'll start refusing to change. So I think that will soon change.

Reallyreallyborednow · 11/06/2022 11:54

*Insane. I mean really.

If you read this thread, it's very clear that there are very good reasons for both GPs keeping both toys and changes of clothes at their houses. And yet you'd deprive a GP ( who's been providing free childcare) of their grandchild for doing normal stuff like buying toys and (probably) protecting the clothes that the GC came in?

In the absence of any other context, the GP has some nothing wrong here*

this. Can’t believe how rapidly people have jumped to controlling at best or some weird child appropriation scenario at worst🙄

why isn’t it simply GP don’t want to ruin clothes and like to have some toys at theirs?

jamoncrumpets · 11/06/2022 11:55

Making a child change when they arrive at your house is just odd. However you slice it.

Midlifemusings · 11/06/2022 12:01

My parents had clothes and toys for the kids at their house when they were little. It was great. It meant we didn't have to pack anything - just drop them off.

Our kids knew that the toys at grandma's house stayed at grandmas and it gave them different toys to play with when there.