DH started call for me without asking me

[mummykik]

So AIBU ... DH and I are in the process of buying a house and one of the things we needed was a bank statement in my name. As we have a joint account, we have always just used it from his phone and his internet banking ... so all the statements have his name only (since its his member number etc). Anyway, its a quick fix, all I had to do was give the bank a call to get my internet banking set up and I'd be able to print out a bank statement. Easy.

I told DH that I would get on to it today ... We have two kids and work full time so in my head had planned to do it around 1pm when I usually have my lunch break. Anyway, this morning as I'm lying in bed (very rare moment of peace for myself), I hear DH talking on the phone with the bank "my wife needs to set up her internet banking etc" ... of course they need to talk to me so my husband then says "she's right here" comes into the room and passes me the phone to get it all sorted.

The thing is, yes it wasn't an onerous task and was a task that would be solved by a simple phone call BUT I had said I would do it today (in my own time) + I was still in bed, just waking up, without my laptop, member numbers (all the things that I needed to talk to the guy on the phone).

So yes it gets sorted and I say to DH "you could have at least told me you were ringing the bank before giving me the phone" and he said cheerily 'It's solved now, no harm done"

SO AIBU to be pissed off? While this sounds like an exaggeration I feel like as if my own agency as a functioning human was taken away from me.

And yet people moan when men don't do any life admin.

He saved you a job? I wouldn't be mad about that.

I couldn't get too worked up over it and I think your DH is right in terms of "no harm done" however I can see how if you'd said you'd do it today it would be annoying to have the task micromanaged. Do you have a habit of saying you'll do things then forgetting or procrastinating?

I can't see the big deal.

Meh. I’d be irked but I wouldn’t overthink it. At least it’s done now.

Well I would say it's an extremely minor annoyance in the grand scheme of things! Not something worth dwelling on!!!

No never. That's the thing!

Yes, that's annoying. Why didn't you say 'Oh, I'm going to do that at lunchtime, tell them I'll call back'?

I can’t see an issue here as it’s something that needed doing and it did save you however is it one off or do you often feel he’s controlling?

Yeah, that would really irritate me and I’d make sure he knew about it.

If it was a video call I'd have said YANBU. I'd have been fuming to have had to go on a video call unexpectedly first thing whilst lying in bed.

But just an audio call I'd say YABU. Your dh was showing some initiative and getting it sorted. Wish mine would do stuff like that! 🤣

I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg, OP, is it? An otherwise happy and healthy relationship wouldn't produce this post.

I’m with you, that would drive me mad. It’s patronising

Could not get worked up over this at all.

I’d be over it by now. Just a quick “hey, I’d prefer you not to do that again as I would like to be prepared next time” and get on with your day

I should have in hindsight.

It wasn't the fact that he was doing something that was annoying me, it was the assumption that when he thinks it's the right time to do something, then that IS the right time. I just feel he should have mentioned to me he was calling (he KNEW I would have to take the call)

Has he asked you multiple times to do this? Have you forgotten or put it off before? Perhaps he's just stressed that the process won't get moving or something will go wrong so he's anxious to make sure it all happens? Perhaps he's aware that banks have much shorter wait times on their phone lines earlier in the morning (you'd probably be on hold for your entire lunch break if you called at 1pm)? Had you actually communicated to him that you wanted to do it at 1pm?

I don't think he's done anything wrong to be honest. The job needed doing, he took on the mental load, he took initiative, he did the majority of the "work" (albeit a not very laborious task) and asked you to just do the bare minimum that had to be done by you. He made sure the task was completed efficiently, on-time, with as little input from you as possible. Sounds great to me - is he always so helpful and productive?

No, in fact the opposite.

I think in that case I'd be annoyed but (in the nicest possible way) not annoyed enough to post on AIBU about it. Does he make a habit of micromanaging - are you generally annoyed by things he does and does he breezily fob you off?

It probably would have taken a very long time to get through at lunchtime, so morning is far more sensible. However, he should have given you a heads up. A minor irritant that isn't such a big deal.

I think he was just trying to help. Let him be.

But you didn't have to take the call. I'm wondering if you've removed your own agency like this before and it's habitual in your relationship? So he just does stuff when he wants to and you put up with it, even though it gets on your nerves? Are things generally to his schedule?

Sounds like he’s stressed about buying the house and he’s going overboard a bit. This is one of those times in a marriage when it’s probably best to show some grace.

Agree with this. Buying a house is really stressful, especially getting all the proofs etc. He might have been worrying about it overnight.
I think he was probably just trying to help.

He didn’t save her a job at all, all he did was dial a number. She had to speak to them and find her bank details to give them the info they needed. He decided when she should do it, without any discussion and interrupted her having a few minutes peace in the morning while trying to wake up!
I’d have been pissed off OP and likely would have refused to take the phone.

No we talked about it last night after speaking to the broker yesterday afternoon. In the call with the broker I clearly said that I would be sending all documents on Monday morning and then that evening I said I'd call the bank at lunch and spent time finding the member number etc before going to bed (he was there for this) and then I put my laptop in my work bag