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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH started call for me without asking me

124 replies

mummykik · 10/06/2022 09:48

So AIBU ... DH and I are in the process of buying a house and one of the things we needed was a bank statement in my name. As we have a joint account, we have always just used it from his phone and his internet banking ... so all the statements have his name only (since its his member number etc). Anyway, its a quick fix, all I had to do was give the bank a call to get my internet banking set up and I'd be able to print out a bank statement. Easy.

I told DH that I would get on to it today ... We have two kids and work full time so in my head had planned to do it around 1pm when I usually have my lunch break. Anyway, this morning as I'm lying in bed (very rare moment of peace for myself), I hear DH talking on the phone with the bank "my wife needs to set up her internet banking etc" ... of course they need to talk to me so my husband then says "she's right here" comes into the room and passes me the phone to get it all sorted.

The thing is, yes it wasn't an onerous task and was a task that would be solved by a simple phone call BUT I had said I would do it today (in my own time) + I was still in bed, just waking up, without my laptop, member numbers (all the things that I needed to talk to the guy on the phone).

So yes it gets sorted and I say to DH "you could have at least told me you were ringing the bank before giving me the phone" and he said cheerily 'It's solved now, no harm done"

SO AIBU to be pissed off? While this sounds like an exaggeration I feel like as if my own agency as a functioning human was taken away from me.

OP posts:
anxiousmumagain · 10/06/2022 10:43

This isn’t taking the mental load. It’s frankly patronising.

To you, maybe. In my relationship, this would hugely be classed as taking on some of the mental load and I'd frankly probably faint from shock if DP did this without me needing to prompt that it needs doing.

Brefugee · 10/06/2022 10:43

haha love all the DH excusers. OP had clearly communicated last eveing to her DH what she would do. In her shoes? I'd have hung up and then called when i planned.

I'm not a MN anxious person, I'm not a MN procrastinator. I make a plan in my head and that's how i spend my day. If I'm having a lovely lie-in or waking up gently i don't want to talk to anyone (my DH included but he has learned that over the years and leaves me alone) let alone the bank.

Agree that he sounds stressed. That is for him to deal with, not to bother OP with it.

anxiousmumagain · 10/06/2022 10:44

Then thank your lucky stars that 1) you are not being abused & 2) you have a pro-active, engaged husband who doesn't see all the domestic admin as belonging to you.

👏🏻

FearlessFreddie · 10/06/2022 10:47

SO AIBU to be pissed off? While this sounds like an exaggeration I feel like as if my own agency as a functioning human was taken away from me.

If this is a pattern of behaviour and the straw that broke the camel's back, then YANBU.

If it's just this phone call, YAB massively unreasonable and should get a grip.

CloudPop · 10/06/2022 10:50

RJnomore1 · 10/06/2022 10:12

This isn’t taking the mental load. It’s frankly patronising. It’s something only the op can do and which she said she would. It’s inconveniencing her and causing her more work to get everything.

Im sure there are other things in the house he could have done if he was bored. The more I think about this the more it irritates me 😂

Completely agree when you

thelastshadowpuppet · 10/06/2022 10:51

Get a grip!

Original poster
mummykik · 10/06/2022 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

So firstly to clarify, I'm not in a rage at my husband. I was pissed off because he didn't ask me before calling, I posted because I wanted to get it off my chest and not make it a HUGE issue. I'm at work, left the house after getting the kids ready for school - we said goodbye. Everything is friendly and cordial. There is no issue.

I DO however have a massive issue with what you have posted. 1. I DO NOT need to thank my lucky stars that I am not being abused. Being abused is not the 'norm' nor should it be. Men should not be lauded as Gods simply because they don't hit their wife or project mental anguish. That is a blanket expectation of adult relationships. HE IS NOT ABUSIVE AND NOR AM I.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 10/06/2022 10:55

SO AIBU to be pissed off? While this sounds like an exaggeration I feel like as if my own agency as a functioning human was taken away from me.
So your problem is that you feel DH compromised your personal agency ...

It wasn't the fact that he was doing something that was annoying me, it was the assumption that when he thinks it's the right time to do something, then that IS the right time. I just feel he should have mentioned to me he was calling (he KNEW I would have to take the call)
... but when you had a chance to exercise your personal agency, you chose not to?

You did not have to take the call.
You could have opened your mouth & said "I don't have my details to hand, as I said before, I will do this later."

There's no point blaming DH for your lack of ability to Use Your Words.
I imagine he is excited/anxious about the house purchase, & willing you on to get a small piece of admin done is part of that.

If he overstepped, FFS tell him instead of pass-agg moaning about it on here.
Communication is everything. As you would have discovered if you'd just had the werewithal - the personal agency if you like - to say "sod off I'm not taking the call" instead of painting your DH as a villain for getting over-excited.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2022 10:55

Yeah I'd probably be a annoyed for 5 minutes and then glad I didn't have to do it on my lunch break afterwards :p

worraliberty · 10/06/2022 10:57

If you don't have form for putting things off, this would piss me off too. I'd hate to have a phone passed to me when I'm in bed and unprepared.

However, it's for that reason I would've told the bank I'll ring them at lunchtime and then told my DH not to micromanage me again.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/06/2022 10:58

I DO however have a massive issue with what you have posted. 1. I DO NOT need to thank my lucky stars that I am not being abused. Being abused is not the 'norm' nor should it be. Men should not be lauded as Gods simply because they don't hit their wife or project mental anguish.

Did I laud your DH as a god?
Nope. I suggested you get a grip.

Because this isn't about DH, it's about you accusing him of robbing you of your personal agency, while simultaneously refusing to exercise any personal agency for yourself by the simple act of refusing a phone call.

TheOriginalEmu · 10/06/2022 11:00

Ejk1990 · 10/06/2022 09:50

And yet people moan when men don't do any life admin.

He saved you a job? I wouldn't be mad about that.

No he didn’t. She still had to do it. On his terms and his timetable. That’s the opposite of saving her a job.

@mummykik I get why you’re irritated. I would be too.

Ohmybod · 10/06/2022 11:01

Think you need to ask yourself why you are getting so wound about this. It’s mildly irritating yes, and if he has a habit of trying to direct you there’s a bigger issue to address. But your other reaction to this could have been to lie on in bed with a cuppa pleased that you had one less job to do today.

JuneJubilee · 10/06/2022 11:02

anxiousmumagain · 10/06/2022 10:44

Then thank your lucky stars that 1) you are not being abused & 2) you have a pro-active, engaged husband who doesn't see all the domestic admin as belonging to you.

👏🏻

@mummykik I'd be annoyed too. Like you I don't need patronising to chivvying. If I've said I'll do it at 1, I'll do it at 1, if I'd wanted to do it at 7am, I'd have sorted to do it at 7am & funnily enough, dialling a number isn't DOING life admin, its just trying to control when the person doing it, does it.

'Sorry, my irritating husband is trying to organise my day for me. As he's already been told, I'll ring back later when I have the necessary details to hand. I apologise on his behalf for taking up your time'

To h. 'Don't EVER do that again. If you've got time to piss about with my stuff you must have time to bring me coffee in bed'

then try to forget about it.

JuneJubilee · 10/06/2022 11:04

Ohmybod · 10/06/2022 11:01

Think you need to ask yourself why you are getting so wound about this. It’s mildly irritating yes, and if he has a habit of trying to direct you there’s a bigger issue to address. But your other reaction to this could have been to lie on in bed with a cuppa pleased that you had one less job to do today.

How did she have 'one less job to do'. She just had the same job to do at a time that didn't suit her!

Nancydrawn · 10/06/2022 11:04

Is it possible that he was feeling really anxious about leaving things until lunch on a Friday when papers were due Monday, so instead of saying "hey I'm anxious" he thought that perhaps he could do it himself, and then when they said they needed to speak to you, he handed you the phone?

I get why you're not pleased. But I also know that paperwork hits snags all the time, and I'd be fairly eager to get things rolling in the morning rather than at lunch. This is particularly true over the last few months, where staffing is an issue and queues are long.

If so, the adult thing to do would have been to tell you last night that he was concerned. But I can easily imagine a scenario where I would wake up with it playing on my mind and just try to get it sorted myself, and then it would go tits up.

WhenIgrowolder · 10/06/2022 11:07

I would be very mildly annoyed I suppose if I was in bed, but it wouldn't even occur to me to make a deal out of it. Suppose that's why DH and I have been married 30 years! If intentions were good, don't stress about it. As another poster said, buying a house is very stressful and your DH probably just wanted to get things sorted.

TheOriginalEmu · 10/06/2022 11:09

AlternativePerspective · 10/06/2022 10:39

If someone posted here that they were selling their house, that DH refused to be on internet banking and had to be,and kept saying they’d do it the response would be “I would call the bank and then hand the phone to your dh.”

OP isn’t bothered about doing banking. She’s happy to leave everything to her dh, just as many women complain about having to do for their dh’s. Now she needs to be on the banking and she’s putting it off but this is important.

I imagine something would have come up that meant she didn’t get round to it at lunchtime, or teatime, and it would have caused arguments.

You’ve assumed a lot of stuff there from her post. She didn’t say she left the banking to him, but that they both use his online banking.
she didn’t say she refused to have it, just that she hadn’t. That’s not the same thing.
she didn’t say she had ‘kept saying’ she would do it, she said ONCE I will do it, and has clarified she’s not a procrastinator.

don’t make things up.

Cocobeau · 10/06/2022 11:09

I voted YABU because I can't fathom being annoyed at someone for this so much that I felt the need to spend time writing a whole post to a bunch of strangers about it. Yes, it's irritating he didn't say "get your details together, I'm calling the bank" it's not worth a second thought. And now you don't have to think about doing it this afternoon.

WonderingWanda · 10/06/2022 11:10

I can see why it pissed you off a bit, it would have annoyed me if I was enjoying a morning pootle and I'd said i would do it later. Thankfully my dh understands that I hate being told what to do and when so probably wouldn't pull a stunt like this. If he did I'd probably just say afterwards 'Stop being my Dad and bossing me about' and that would be it. Not a massive issue though unless he has form for doing it all the time or decides to keep doing it as it gets a negative reaction. That would be a problem.

RJnomore1 · 10/06/2022 11:11

anxiousmumagain · 10/06/2022 10:43

This isn’t taking the mental load. It’s frankly patronising.

To you, maybe. In my relationship, this would hugely be classed as taking on some of the mental load and I'd frankly probably faint from shock if DP did this without me needing to prompt that it needs doing.

Your relationship does not sound healthy.

GlisteningGoldGrasses · 10/06/2022 11:14

I would hate to take a call from the bank when I'm in bed and would panic and not remember anything useful HOWEVER I have done similar to DH before so I can see the other side. DH does absolutely no life admin at all, the mental load is all mine. 13 years ago we got a joint account-he still asks me to transfer him money each month as he's never got around to signing up for internet banking. It's one of those mildly annoying things you end up living with. In the same situation I know he'd never get it sorted in time to buy the house and I would have done exactly what your DH did. When my DH is awake but in bed he is a captive audience to get things sorted, once he's up he'll deflect everything "I can't think about that I'm busy doing this ask me later" and it rolls on to yet another day where he forgets about it completely and I carry it about on my very long heavy mental to do list. I'm projecting massively but if you're like this too perhaps he just saw a convenient opportunity to get it all sorted out when you weren't busy and it wouldn't take up any more time or headspace. I love getting things like that ticked off first thing to clear some mental space.

BeeDavis · 10/06/2022 11:15

I can’t believe you’re pissed off enough to write about it on an online forum. I feel bad for your husband.

Kanaloa · 10/06/2022 11:17

Ejk1990 · 10/06/2022 09:50

And yet people moan when men don't do any life admin.

He saved you a job? I wouldn't be mad about that.

He didn’t save her a job, he gave her a job.

Why did you do it though? I can’t have too much sympathy because I would have hung up and phoned back when I was ready to do it then wouldn’t have accepted cheery responses, I would have said ‘please don’t phone my bank for me again, I’ll do it in my own time.’

TheOriginalEmu · 10/06/2022 11:17

KettrickenSmiled · 10/06/2022 10:55

SO AIBU to be pissed off? While this sounds like an exaggeration I feel like as if my own agency as a functioning human was taken away from me.
So your problem is that you feel DH compromised your personal agency ...

It wasn't the fact that he was doing something that was annoying me, it was the assumption that when he thinks it's the right time to do something, then that IS the right time. I just feel he should have mentioned to me he was calling (he KNEW I would have to take the call)
... but when you had a chance to exercise your personal agency, you chose not to?

You did not have to take the call.
You could have opened your mouth & said "I don't have my details to hand, as I said before, I will do this later."

There's no point blaming DH for your lack of ability to Use Your Words.
I imagine he is excited/anxious about the house purchase, & willing you on to get a small piece of admin done is part of that.

If he overstepped, FFS tell him instead of pass-agg moaning about it on here.
Communication is everything. As you would have discovered if you'd just had the werewithal - the personal agency if you like - to say "sod off I'm not taking the call" instead of painting your DH as a villain for getting over-excited.

You need to ‘get a grip’, as you so politely put it.
You seem far more angry about something that literally doesn’t affect you than the OP does.
And don’t come with your ‘real abuse victims exist’ shit, she never said he was abusive, she said he took away her agency, which is true. As someone who lived with DA, I fully agree this is irritating. You don’t do anything for DA victims by conflating two very different situations.