DH started call for me without asking me

[mummykik]

So AIBU ... DH and I are in the process of buying a house and one of the things we needed was a bank statement in my name. As we have a joint account, we have always just used it from his phone and his internet banking ... so all the statements have his name only (since its his member number etc). Anyway, its a quick fix, all I had to do was give the bank a call to get my internet banking set up and I'd be able to print out a bank statement. Easy.

I told DH that I would get on to it today ... We have two kids and work full time so in my head had planned to do it around 1pm when I usually have my lunch break. Anyway, this morning as I'm lying in bed (very rare moment of peace for myself), I hear DH talking on the phone with the bank "my wife needs to set up her internet banking etc" ... of course they need to talk to me so my husband then says "she's right here" comes into the room and passes me the phone to get it all sorted.

The thing is, yes it wasn't an onerous task and was a task that would be solved by a simple phone call BUT I had said I would do it today (in my own time) + I was still in bed, just waking up, without my laptop, member numbers (all the things that I needed to talk to the guy on the phone).

So yes it gets sorted and I say to DH "you could have at least told me you were ringing the bank before giving me the phone" and he said cheerily 'It's solved now, no harm done"

SO AIBU to be pissed off? While this sounds like an exaggeration I feel like as if my own agency as a functioning human was taken away from me.

The difference is like this - saving you a job is walking the dog. This is more like putting the dog’s leash in your hand and shouting ‘Rover, walkies!’

It's cheeky and I understand where you are coming from. Honestly I would probably feel exactly the same and fume for that very reason, but from an outside perspective I think that would be an overreaction, which I am prone to.

I'm sure he didn't mean to remove your agency, but wanted to get the thing sorted, and I'd be glad it was done.

Things like this I usually let them ruminate in my head, calling him all sorts, and give myself a good hour before I know how I feel, and I usually calm down after that and realise the upset is all coming from me and my head.

I would plot revenge... for sure haha

You don’t need to accept any shitty treatment and be grateful your husband’s not knocking you about. I mean where does that stop? Can you really complain about your husband punching you? Just be grateful you’re not living in a war torn country in poverty married to an abusive man and starving to death.

And he DOES see this as a job she has to do. He just wants to decide when she has to do it.

I would be pissed off if I was in bed and then suddenly had to get up and find my banking details when I planned to do it later in the day (which would have been easier if OP has a computer up in front of her) on my husband's say so. It's not relationship ending or necessarily even worth arguing over, but it's still something that it annoying.

Did someone actually say thank your lucky stars you are not being abused?!

FUCK ME that is not the bar for a relationship. That’s really sad.

If you had been that arsed about getting internet banking you would have done it by now, so the fact he took action and made it easier for you would be gratefully accepted by me.

100% this.

I know, it’s tragic. Nobody should be thanking their lucky stars they aren’t being abused, it’s not some great gift, it’s the very very basic expectation of humanity.

Sorry but I think he sounds petty sensible.
Calling up businesses like banks at lunchtime will generally see you on hold for ages.
I always make these calls first thing - 8am or whenever the lines open.
Lunchtime is the worst time to call.

Annoying yes but at least it's done and you don't need to do it later on.

I do do this myself dh hates waiting to get through to people i dont mind so much but....

i always makes sure he knows im about to call and to be ready i dont just go into the bedroom and throw the phone at him unawares

It would piss me off yes, I'll do it when I'm good and frigging ready thank you. It wouldn't be a big deal in the context of my relationship - it would irk me but in a different relationship this could be construed as being a bit controlling.

If he did this without warning you then I think you are right to be pissed off.

If itnwas a 1 off then given the circumstances of the house buying then I'd let him off. However if this is a habit of his I would simply refuse to take the call/phone off him or to speak. I would have said to him - I said I'll deal with that later - and walked away. If he deals with a couple of situations where he is left embarrassed maybe he will stop?

If youre the type to take forever to get around to stuff and postponing it all the time then yeah, I understand his point

I think you need to get a grip!

YANBU @mummykik It's overbearing/patriarchal. You can talk to your bank yourself, presumably you're capable of doing so and he doesn't have a genuine belief you're incapable of it.

And it actually made it a harder job as you had to track down all your numbers etc while you were on the call, and while you were relaxing in bed. If you'd done it in your own time youd've had all the bits ready and been in the right headspace.

This would annoy me, I would never start a phone call for somebody else like that. I wouldn't like anyone trying to overrule my judgement on when I'm going to do something.

If he's anxious about getting stuff sorted, he should communicate that to you not interrupt you when you're trying to rest.

When I just wake up I am in not state to handle such a call not would I have been focused enough to realize what was going on before I took the phone. I would think it was an emergency if someone were to hand me a phone if I am still in bed.

Since I am a light sleeper, anyone who disturbs my a rare moment of good sleep can face my wrath and my bad mood for the rest of the day.

That should be "no state" and "nor would I"

Second this. It's so annoying that our feelings and sleep don't matter and we are always expected to operate on some else's timescale. Literally sick of it.

This would annoy me too, especially as I tend to feel lousy and very groggy in the mornings due to a sleep disorder. YANBU OP.

Abusive behavior comes in many forms. Some styles are very subtle. Psychological abuse is the result of the kind of experience you describe happening repeatedly. Some abusive men are controlling under the guise of being 'helpful' and the people around will say, 'isn't he helpful and nice? and you start to question yourself and whether you are 'right' to have your feelings. The longer you live with this the greater the harm.

Fact is - You feel like your agency is being taken away. You get to decide that this is not the kind of "help" you want and you can let your partner know your preferences.

You can't be unreasonable for feeling something as long as you choose how you want to respond to the feelings. So don't blow up at him but do talk to him and observe how he responds. If he tries to brush you off, shift the blame back onto you or tell you that you're the problem because you're being ungrateful and he's only trying to help (as many of the replies here have done), or if he responds with anger or sulking or silent treatment that you got upset with him for trying to help you, then he is telling you he's not interested in your feelings which is a huge red flag.

If he is a healthy partner this is easily cleared up with a conversation as he will care about your thoughts and feelings and will take care not to do this kind of thing again.

Something else to know is that a pattern of abusive behavior has to start with one action. And abuse usually starts in conjunction with an event that seals the relationship as permanent, be it marriage, pregnancy, birth of a child, getting life insurance or buying a house.

Was he speaking to them about something else first? If he had to talk to them and then thought I might as well pass it to mummykik because I'm on the phone anyway ... then I'd think it was ok.
Otherwise, I'd be irked.
DH would sometimes do this. I've just became adept at saying, I have a plan for today or for that task and I'll do it when I've scheduled it.
I do agree with a PP that buying a house is stressful so you probably both need to cut each other some slack.

I think too think he has done you a favour. You could have spent the best part of your lunchtime sitting on hold.

I honestly couldn't get annoyed about this (and most things annoy me these days)