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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect MIL to work

122 replies

Lillonely · 09/06/2022 22:31

Apologies for double posting but DH and I are getting into a Barney on this one.

This follows on from my previous thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4562595-polygamy-first-family-and-financial-trouble-need-some-perspective-here?page=1

Think I’ve linked that correctly, apologies if not…

So, I thought I found utopia for this solution til we got MIL to pension/ pension credit age. My mum knew a lady (who also knows MIL) who lends a hand in some restaurants in kitchen (well actually several, the family own a few Indian restaurants), they got her a good hygiene certificate and she does bits like prep samosas, make a few Asian desserts and then some cleaning, bit of prep, well she mentioned that they’d take on another person. The lady is the restaurant chain owners son (same age-ish as MIL) MIL wouldn’t have to take a bus, the owner would pick up her and his mum and take them. They could only offer like 16 hrs a week across the few restaurants but they all speak her mother tongue and then she could claim working tax credit. It will build up her NI too so she can claim a pension later.

i thought this sounds like a great idea? No status thing in question because she’s working with a lady (an aquitance who she knows ) of a similar age, definitely won’t be graft (it’s more of a favour), but DH thinks it’s unfair to ask her to go out and work? But given the situation this seems like the best option, could I get some thoughts here?

is it unreasonable for her, given the circumstances to feign working? Would be maybe 3 mornings/ afternoons a week?

thank you all, your advice was invaluable before!

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 09/06/2022 22:38

Why on earth would your DP think that her working is unfair?

Original poster
Lillonely · 09/06/2022 22:40

FannyFifer · 09/06/2022 22:38

Why on earth would your DP think that her working is unfair?

She can’t speak English, never worked in a paid role, never went to school (even primary), she’s older asian so I think it’s a bit of a status thing, he’s the only son so she sees it as he should pay for her… it’s a lot lol, it’s on the OP :)

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 09/06/2022 22:58

Have you askws your MIL?
She might be delighted to speak to.people in her own language and get out of the house each day.

ZekeZeke · 09/06/2022 22:58

Asked

HollowTalk · 09/06/2022 23:00

From what I remember her mother-in-law is a very entitled woman and lazy to boot.

Original poster
Lillonely · 09/06/2022 23:01

ZekeZeke · 09/06/2022 22:58

Have you askws your MIL?
She might be delighted to speak to.people in her own language and get out of the house each day.

She and I don’t really talk, I don’t think any suggestion would be too well received from me, so it’s for DH to have that convo, currently he’s not a fan of the idea

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/06/2022 23:05

So its ok for her to suggest you sell your house, but she can't do a small job?

OP, leave him off.

You focus on protecting your children.

Babyroobs · 09/06/2022 23:08

I can't believe the number of older women who I come across in my job who haven't worked for years ( for no apparent reason like being unable to due to illness or disability ) . I guess it's a confidence thing maybe.
Anyway in relation to your mil, she wont be able to work 16 hours and claim working tax credits unless she currently has a tax credit claim as there are no new claims for tax credits. She would need to claim Universal credit and would have work commitments to look for full time work, although I guess if she worked 16 hours she wouldn't be pushed too hard to look for more.

Original poster
Lillonely · 09/06/2022 23:11

Babyroobs · 09/06/2022 23:08

I can't believe the number of older women who I come across in my job who haven't worked for years ( for no apparent reason like being unable to due to illness or disability ) . I guess it's a confidence thing maybe.
Anyway in relation to your mil, she wont be able to work 16 hours and claim working tax credits unless she currently has a tax credit claim as there are no new claims for tax credits. She would need to claim Universal credit and would have work commitments to look for full time work, although I guess if she worked 16 hours she wouldn't be pushed too hard to look for more.

Oh yeah I know, it’s all been rolled up into UC now, but would she have to look for full time work? That puts us back to square 1. Balls.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 09/06/2022 23:17

Lillonely · 09/06/2022 23:11

Oh yeah I know, it’s all been rolled up into UC now, but would she have to look for full time work? That puts us back to square 1. Balls.

Show quote history

Well ideally they would want her to be looking to earn 35 x nmw per week if she has no health conditions that prevent her from doing this, but I think generally if earning above around £335 ( I think ) a month she may be ok.

Manekinek0 · 09/06/2022 23:18

I can understand why your MIL wouldn't want to work. Even if she wouldn't admit to it, it must be nerve racking to experience having a job for the first time at that age. Could the friend/potential coworker ask her? Maybe make it sound like your MIL would be doing her a favour?

TicTac80 · 09/06/2022 23:20

I read through your first thread, and I’m pretty aghast at the whole situation (we are Christian but from the ME, so we’re familiar with your culture and religion!). This must be so stressful!

I understand helping family - we do that too - but I cannot get my head around why your MIL has not got on and done the English classes and done thing to make herself more independent. That was the first thing the people in my family did when they came to another country - learn the language, assimilate and either convert the educational qualifications they already had from back home, or get additional qualifications in order to better support themselves.

I understand your MIL has had a hard life. However I think it’s really unfair that she’s putting so much stress on your DH and you. i think the idea of her helping at this restaurant is a great idea. It will give her some money, some company/interaction and hopefully it will be something she enjoys, and if it helps her accumulate some NI, then bonus. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to suggest it to her!

Original poster
Lillonely · 09/06/2022 23:20

Babyroobs · 09/06/2022 23:17

Well ideally they would want her to be looking to earn 35 x nmw per week if she has no health conditions that prevent her from doing this, but I think generally if earning above around £335 ( I think ) a month she may be ok.

Show quote history

I think this would give her that, And it’s the only way I can think of considering a) we can’t afford it b) (FIL won’t pay for her anymore c) she won’t claim d) won’t work any other job e) won’t divorce him

OP posts:
BornBlonde · 09/06/2022 23:22

From your first thread she may be more agreeable if approached by the woman instead of your DH

Original poster
Lillonely · 09/06/2022 23:23

Manekinek0 · 09/06/2022 23:18

I can understand why your MIL wouldn't want to work. Even if she wouldn't admit to it, it must be nerve racking to experience having a job for the first time at that age. Could the friend/potential coworker ask her? Maybe make it sound like your MIL would be doing her a favour?

oh it’s definitely not a punch in and punch out vibe, it was going to be could you help with with some of their cooking because they’ve eaten your food and think you’re a good cook, maybe do a bit of cleaning with xyz (lady’s name) they’ll pay you, but DH thinks it’s unfair but I’m not sure if it’s the who cultural perception of ‘forcing his elderly mother to work’ (I know she’s not elderly, she’s nearly 10 yrs younger than my parents both of whom still work, but she considers herself elderly)

OP posts:
Naan32 · 10/06/2022 00:16

@Lillonely It does really sound like you've managed to come up with an option that is both helpful and workable.

I realise that your DH has been miserably failed by both of his parents and can certainly understand why he's struggling to ask anything (no matter how reasonable) of his mother, but I think you need to explain to him (clearly and with confidence) that his efforts to 'protect' his mother from taking any responsibility for herself are not only harming him but are also harming his wife and his children.

It sounds harsh, it is harsh, but it is also true. You, your DC and your DH do not deserve to suffer because of the knock-on effects of his mother's selfish choices. And he has to understand the responsibility he bears if he goes along with her behaviour.

As previous posters have said, it most likely is daunting for her to start her first ever job, but so what? The rest of us do things we find difficult all the time because we are willing to put the effort in, instead of passing the buck on to other people.

SarahProblem · 10/06/2022 00:37

Well what's the alternative to MIL working? You've already been clear you can't afford to subsidise her life.

Your DH should direct his anger towards your FIL rather than Barney with you.

Inertia · 10/06/2022 01:00

Simple answer is she needs to divorce FIL and make a claim on any marital assets.

converseandjeans · 10/06/2022 01:07

YANBU

How old is MIL? How does she expect to buy food, clothes, pay rent with no income?

SarahProblem · 10/06/2022 01:14

OP has your DH said the you'll be supporting your MIL? If so I'd consider divorce yourself.

If not, he needs to be clear that he'll not be providing financial support and give her the options e.g. divorcing FIL

TheTeenageYears · 10/06/2022 01:33

Your DH seems to be making it very clear that he is going with the option to support his DM come hell or high water if he thinks your proposed solution is wrong. It might be time for an ultimatum before your family money is being used to support MIL. He gets to choose if he wants to continue enabling her behaviour but you also get to choose if you will enable his. If you don't want to support this family set up you don't have to, you can get out while FIL is still paying and rid yourself of this massive obligation which will bring you absolutely no joy.

MissConductUS · 10/06/2022 02:03

This sounds like a good way forward if someone can convince her.

OP, does she understand that since your FIL transfered the business to the other wife the money tap is now off?

0Sleepy0llow · 10/06/2022 02:34

Does MIL have a National Insurance number ?
You can onto www.gov.uk and check each individual National Insurance record

Everyone needs 35 years of National Insurance records to claim a full state pension. These can be accrued by working or claiming benefits like unemployment, sickness, universal credit, child benefit.

National Insurance also pays towards These & other benefits like maternity

Therefore she needs to start now

She should gain help with translation

How is she going to afford retirement after 66 ?

nightfairy · 10/06/2022 03:17

She and I don’t really talk, I don’t think any suggestion would be too well received from me, so it’s for DH to have that convo, currently he’s not a fan of the idea

Well, you can't voluntell someone into a job.

I skimmed your other thread and the situation does seem dire:

she’s just never worked. She is what you’d term as vulnerable though, no English, no education at all not even primary level, can’t read or write in her own language, took her til she came here to learn how to write her name.

Just leave the house and go into a restaurant kitchen and make some food might sound easy to someone confident and competent out in the world, but this woman has been kept like a pet her entire adult life.

daisychain01 · 10/06/2022 04:08

Lillonely · 09/06/2022 23:01

She and I don’t really talk, I don’t think any suggestion would be too well received from me, so it’s for DH to have that convo, currently he’s not a fan of the idea

Show quote history

Why are you having to organise your DHs relationship with his DM? I did try to read your other thread but it got to the point where trying to advise you on such a complex, obviously cultural, situation was outside my sphere of knowledge.

This thread just adds to my view that you're running round in circles potentially exhausting yourself over a situation that is 100% your DHs, and you having to get involved is futile, he needs to deal with it.