To expect MIL to work

[Lillonely]

Apologies for double posting but DH and I are getting into a Barney on this one.

This follows on from my previous thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4562595-polygamy-first-family-and-financial-trouble-need-some-perspective-here?page=1

Think I’ve linked that correctly, apologies if not…

So, I thought I found utopia for this solution til we got MIL to pension/ pension credit age. My mum knew a lady (who also knows MIL) who lends a hand in some restaurants in kitchen (well actually several, the family own a few Indian restaurants), they got her a good hygiene certificate and she does bits like prep samosas, make a few Asian desserts and then some cleaning, bit of prep, well she mentioned that they’d take on another person. The lady is the restaurant chain owners son (same age-ish as MIL) MIL wouldn’t have to take a bus, the owner would pick up her and his mum and take them. They could only offer like 16 hrs a week across the few restaurants but they all speak her mother tongue and then she could claim working tax credit. It will build up her NI too so she can claim a pension later.

i thought this sounds like a great idea? No status thing in question because she’s working with a lady (an aquitance who she knows ) of a similar age, definitely won’t be graft (it’s more of a favour), but DH thinks it’s unfair to ask her to go out and work? But given the situation this seems like the best option, could I get some thoughts here?

is it unreasonable for her, given the circumstances to feign working? Would be maybe 3 mornings/ afternoons a week?

thank you all, your advice was invaluable before!

I get it. You could ditch this husband because of his mother but if he's a good guy then obviously that would feel horrible.

Id try gettingq a solicitor to draft up agreement for FIL to buy pension credits in exchange for her not divorcing him

You'd need to get her to believe that you really mean business with this.

That's the hard bit. You deserve a medal.

Op sorry if this has been asked, did FiLs other wife work?

Because that kind of changes my view. MIL has been portrayed as a victim but if the other wife worked it kind of changes my views.

Apparently she used to work in a shop but this was years before my time, I’ve never seen her work… ever. Her and MIL are as bad as each other tbh but she was born and raised here so she doesn’t have the same issues but the community shun her (tbf she’s an outsider another wrong kind of Asian haha )

Heart goes out to you @eomeoni , I hope you’re ok ❤

If you have the slightest fear that DH's relationship with his mother and father could end up jeopardizing you or your DC - divorce. Not in an acrimonious, "I'm leaving you" way, but in a financial and legal way as a protective measure. Live together, by all means. But separate your finances; or rather separate your children's finances from his.

It sounds nuclear. It would be. But nobody - NOBODY - in your family is taking responsibility. Not your DH (who is in thrall to his parents, for good reason or bad); nor your MIL; not your FIL. Who is putting your DC first?

It's shitty that you would have to take this step (and god can you imagine the reception in the community if you spread the word that it's to protect your DCs' future from your FIL??!). But it could be the wisest decision you've ever taken.

Remarry when your MIL and FIL have both passed. Maybe do it quietly, if it helps. Just, protect your kids and yourself from this mess. Support your DH in every other way; just not with your DCs' future.

Well, apparently FIL has said to another elder that he’s still going to pay for her from secret funds..: fucking ridiculous. All hearsay, all rubbish, dh spoke to him on the phone and they were talking about it but ‘the line went funny’ so DH wasn’t sure what he said… stupid man

Of course it did.

Right, this needs to be discussed in full when DH meets FIL tomorrow. He needs confirmation that his dad has the money to continue funding MIL, and how. If FIL does still have assets and genuinely will keep paying for her, I suppose that's the can kicked down the road a bit longer, but it all sounds very convenient. And if he doesn't, well, that still leaves the question of where her living expenses are going to come from. That DH needs to answer.

Interesting that the other wife worked, can you imagine how you'd feel, other wife sits with her feet up, I work in a shop and other wife expects not to lift a finger.

If FIl has secret funds he needs to ensure that DH has access to it in the event of FiLs death.
Really not right for her to be reliant on Dh and you.

I still think she should take the job and develop some independence but I doubt she will

Look after yourself and kids

"I've been very very clear, the money is not to come from us, no debt is to be accrued in the name of this, or he is simply choosing his mother over his children when in fact no choice needed to be made as she’s got options, and we’ll have to separate and there is no other way around it."

Good to read this.

This is a man who you took on with loads of debt, many, many women wouldn't have.

To entertain him and his family burdening you further, is utterly ridiculous.

Your children really need one parent prioritising them.

With his background, there is only you.

wife 2 hasn’t worked for at least 20 years though, you know what’s even more ‘funny’ is that MIL used to mock her for being a money grabber and entitled…

ive realised that you can’t reason with an unreasonable person. For you and I and everyone else on the thread, the job seems like a pretty sweet gig all things considered a real opportunity. I’m obviously not a saint but it’s more than her husband has done for her and arguably what he should have done when he brought her to the country, So basically why bother lol. There was one poster on the previous thread who now on this one is acting like the voice of reason, who legit suggested I think of her as a 4th child, called me all the names under the sun and then told me I should take this as an opportunity to earn more money… needless to say I’ll be doing none of that and I officially can’t be arsed anymore.

my last suggestions is that someone, FIL, MIL or even DH sets themselves up on onlyfans as all other sensible avenues have been dismissed

If PiL are still married
If she has zero money
Surely, this is financial abuse !!!
Clear & simple

This is not your issue to solve

She should start the official divorce process & claim half of everything

Stop messing around

She won’t though, there’s a huge stigma amongst older Asians ladies about being divorced so she just won’t. I think he’s filled her head with that fact that she could get in trouble because he’s got another wife and a whole host of other nonsense, he’s a real nasty piece of work

I have to laugh at the suggestion of you taking the job to fund a bone lazy MIL.

If working is beneath her then it should be beneath you too. But unfortunately someone needs to pay the bills.

What's the point of being married, if it doesn't provide legal protection !

Need to visit solicitors
File for the recent "No fault divorce" next week
Help her get her half

FFS
Won't get a divorce

Well live on thin air for the next 50 years then

That's what marriage, divorce are all about

Why should the FFF man, Swan off with another woman, taking ALL the assets of a marriage !!

So angry

It's FINANCIAL ABUSE

I feel bloody sorry for MIL. The world’s changed and she hasn’t got anything in her basket to cope with it.

FIL should be supporting her. She must be petrified and has gone into freeze mode to
cope. Hence dogged reliance on others.

You can and must claim UC for her now as they’re separated. At least she’d get a bit of pension later.

But she might LOVE a job and you may well never hear the end of it, how she singlehandedly rescues a restaurant chain 3 nights a week.

Suggest sell it as a morale boost to DH and a favour to MIL.

Why should she though when she hasn't paid any NI or done a days' paid work

If you are in UK
Educate MIL about the new, no fault divorce
Why live in a country, if you don't live by that country's rules ?

Suggest you post questions in MN legal & divorce sections

The fault of the divorce isn’t the issue, it’s the notion of being divorced. She’s annoying as hell but I do feel for her here as all her friends are in some way or another related to him and given the consanguinity it’s all very messy so if they all shunned her she’d have no social circle at all… just her son

I think it is time to turn your attention away from MIL and have a good hard look at the financial set-up you have with DH.
If he worked three jobs as a 16 year old to give her money, then he IS GOING to keep giving her money. He won't just stop.
So he will give her your family money. He will give her your money. He will take it from the joint account, take out debt, sell stuff, whatever.

Much as you love him, you know deep down that he will give her money, whatever it takes, whatever money he can get his hands on.

Seriously, you need to ring-fence your assets and your children's assets. Get legal advice - how can you stop him taking out debt that your family home will have to be sold to pay for?

Stop thinking about FIL and MIL and start looking after yourself and your DC.

He’s not paid for her for a long time, at least 10 years.. so he’s not going to randomly start

I guess I could look at a post nuptial agreement but our largest asset is out house and we own that together. I’d think decency would stop him from taking out debt against the house and the fact that he’d lose not only me but his kids too

It's solutionless problem. She won't work. She won't divorce. She wont listen. What limited funds shebhas, she is going to spend on a pilgrimage!!

God help you op 🥇

Not read the whole thread but skimmed your replies so I may repeat things said earlier.

1. You said MIL has indefinite leave to remain in which case she will be entitled to benefits (which is why she received them before until she stopped complying with the claimant conditions).
2. Your DH doesnt need PoA to be named as an appointee with the DWP. That way he will be allowed to manage her affairs with them. He could have another go at getting universal credit for her.
3. As regards the issues with HMRC, your DH can also be given authority to act for her. There is a particular form for that which I'll dig out if you want it. Alternatively many Citizens Advice areas will do exactly this kind of work but it does depend on their service capacity. Birmingham for example is very limited and I don't think would, but there are other welfare agencies in the area that should be able to help.
4. Your MIL is unlikely to be entitled to FIL's state pension under the new state pension rules - I think PP are thinking of the pre 2016 rules www.gov.uk/new-state-pension/inheriting-or-increasing-state-pension-from-a-spouse-or-civil-partner#:~:text=Inheriting%20extra%20State%20Pension%20or,age%20before%206%20April%202016
5. I think you were doing this anyway but just reiterating the advice to check out the type of ownership of your house that DH and MiL have to ensure that it doesn't get sold from under your feet by the sMiL.