About cancelling an arranged night out

[yogahippo]

I have a very very organised friend. She likes to plan her diary months ahead and so when she suggests dates for get togethers I’m almost always free as it’s months into the future. We meet monthly and they are in the diary for the next 6 months!

However she doesn’t accept cancellations if other things come up because, “it’s been in the diary for ages”. I’m absolutely not talking about ditching her if a better or more fun offer for a night out comes up - I absolutely stick with prearranged plans in these circumstances. I’m talking things you really need to go to that you just weren’t aware of months ago when the evening out was arranged.I’ve cancelled 4 times over the last 2 years for these reasons:
1. My neighbour is in hospice care. Her daughter was playing Rizzo in school production of Greece. Neighbour thought she’d be well enough to attend- she wasn’t- I stepped in a few days before to go and support her daughter and record it for the neighbour.
2. My sons cricket team (very) unexpectedly made the final of a competition so I cancelled to go watch.
3. Some colleagues from the US who I work with daily came over to meet in person for the first time and the team night out was on an evening I was supposed to meet her.

4. A surprise 50th party for a very good friend arranged by a very disorganised spouse 4 weeks in advance as his other plans fell through.

In all of these cases I’ve given her a minimum of a few days notice (no cancelling on the day) and in the case of the 50th I’ve given a months notice. She’s been very cross at all times especially the 50th as she saw that as me ditching her (we had cocktails and dinner planned) for a party. But this was a surprise milestone birthday for someone I’d been friends with for 40 years and lived with after Uni. A very very good friend!

I always try and reschedule but sometimes she’s apparently “too busy” and can’t slot me in. After the most recent cancellation for the 50th and the grumpy response when I tried to reschedule I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do. She’s currently booking in our October night out and she gave me a date in the middle of half term when I haven’t finalised what we’re doing yet. For the first time I refused to book that far in advance as I think this is the problem - I obviously can’t commit this far in advance if there’s no flexibility. I have 3 kids, a FT job and an extended family with a lot going on- I don’t want to book something knowing there’s no way I can then ever reschedule. She’s now incredibly upset with me and refusing to meet at all as she’s not prepared to be, “slotted in when I have time”. I’m really questioning myself. I know MN frowns upon cancelling but which of us is Being unreasonable?

Stop arranging so far in advance.

She is being unreasonable.

She is being unreasonable. Like you say, stuff happens and sometimes something comes along which naturally it's more important you attend or do. Surely she can understand that?

Nope. It's IN THE DIARY so can't be changed. The more I think about it the odder it seems. My neighbour died 4 months later and she loved the video. Wtf was she so cross with me? Apparently I volunteered when there were others who could have done it and I had a pre-existing arrangement. I start to question myself.

It's not you, it's her.

I'd only book something maybe 1 or 2 wks in advance - especially if it's just a meal/drink so doesn't require a ticket (theatre etc.) and you don't have to book a "venue" - or arrange the next one at the end of the current one iyswim.

How many times are you pre-booked to meet her between now and October?

Ah, well she can take her DIARY out for a meal then

Once a month. Has to be Friday or Sat night- she won't be relegated to weeknights. Booked in until October when I put my foot down and she lost it.

Made me laugh!

You might as well just cancel all of them and say you won't be held hostage by her diary. You have kids/family and sometimes she's just going to be consigned to half an hour on a damp Tuesday afternoon in a grotty Costa.

She's being unreasonable. I'd feel nervous booking that far in advance, things do come up!

It's just life. She sounds very inflexible and not understanding at all.

It’s not you, it’s her. Planning ahead is all well and good but in the real world, stuff comes up that sometimes takes priority. Just because she’s super organised doesn’t mean she gets first dibs on your time to the exclusion of everything else.

For the first time I refused to book that far in advance as I think this is the problem - I obviously can’t commit this far in advance if there’s no flexibility. I have 3 kids, a FT job and an extended family with a lot going on- I don’t want to book something knowing there’s no way I can then ever reschedule.

Yes, quite right. This is the issue. It's her who is being weird not you

She is definitely being unreasonable. There’s no way I’d commit to a night out months in advance unless it was a special occasion.

This.

Tell her that you want to continue to meet each month but you cannot commit to specific days so far ahead.
Suggest planning the next (potential) date after each meet up. Tell her that you can both confirm, finalise arrangements a week/few days beforehand.

Sorry your friend is very weird. Is she single? Does she have kids? It wouldn't be life if everything went all according to plan would it? I wouldn't want to be friends with such person.

I have a friend who tries to book me months in advance. I just reply "I'm free on that date at the moment but might not be nearer the time - I'll pencil it in and confirm later".

She's being entirely unreasonable. Doesn't everyone have a sort of heirachy? ie things that are "Big" you book in months in advance and, most likely, plan other activities (holidays, days out etc) around them. These things are things like weddings, christenings, milestone birthday parties etc.

Then there's stuff you book well in advance (weeks or perhaps a month or two) because it's to see someone you care about and you do prioritise. These events you will, as much as possible, accommodate in other ways (eg decline a different invite, even if it's better, or arrange a babysitter if your DH unexpectedly has to travel for work), but there may well be an unexpected clash that you don't need to go to heroic efforts to overcome because they are just so obviously more important (helping a dying neighbour or a kid's unexpected sporting success being two great examples).

And then there's the more ad hoc stuff which, if you're very busy, can be difficult and some people are better at than others (clearly she's not able or willing at all for these sorts of events).

No way would i have my life planned out 6 months in advance to suit her! Do you get any enjoyment out of being friends with her? It may be time to let her go and find some other friends.

Agree with telling her that booking so far in advance doesn't work for you. Arranging the next night out in the days after the current one seems more rational. Do you even want to see her monthly?

Also, for things like half term, I think all my friends and I have these conversations, "Yeah, I'm totally yup for that UNLESS we go away after all - we're waiting to see if we can get flights/MIL is visiting etc"

It's a pretty standard part of adulting around here. I spent a year pencilling things in with a friend because her dad was very poorly and she was up and down to her parents - I never once got annoyed if she cancelled as a result.

I'm on the fence with this. Seeing it from your friend's point of view it does feel like you are ditching her for a better offer, albeit these other occasions couldn't have been anticipated.

She is unreasonable, however I can also also understand that someone cancelling on you every six months is frustrating. That's quite a lot, even if the reasons for it are valid.

I would find this behaviour too controlling, personally. Also what's wrong with a midweek dinner date? Or a Tuesday at the cinema?

I think this over-controlling behaviour is fulfilling some kind of need in her, which you may have enabled, unawares, by generally being able to comply with her wishes. That's not an equal friendship. I wonder if she is a bit isolated so relies on "proper" nights out for adult interaction?

Me and my friends book 3 months in advance, but that's only EVERY 3 months! We all have kids/commitments, so getting a date last minute can mean someone in our group of 4 can't make it, so we do preplan, but we don't see each other every month!
We did have a 5th member of the group but she started cancelled 1-2 days before.....to see her boyfriend (even though she'd been with him for a week holiday the week before, and sees him pretty much every night) and we did get pissed off with that, so don't invite her now as when we try and get a date she doesn't respond or it gets further and further into the future as she 'can't commit' and if we waited for her we'd meet meeting up every 6 months!

I couldn't be friends with someone like this. You don't owe her a friendship either.