About cancelling an arranged night out

[yogahippo]

I have a very very organised friend. She likes to plan her diary months ahead and so when she suggests dates for get togethers I’m almost always free as it’s months into the future. We meet monthly and they are in the diary for the next 6 months!

However she doesn’t accept cancellations if other things come up because, “it’s been in the diary for ages”. I’m absolutely not talking about ditching her if a better or more fun offer for a night out comes up - I absolutely stick with prearranged plans in these circumstances. I’m talking things you really need to go to that you just weren’t aware of months ago when the evening out was arranged.I’ve cancelled 4 times over the last 2 years for these reasons:
1. My neighbour is in hospice care. Her daughter was playing Rizzo in school production of Greece. Neighbour thought she’d be well enough to attend- she wasn’t- I stepped in a few days before to go and support her daughter and record it for the neighbour.
2. My sons cricket team (very) unexpectedly made the final of a competition so I cancelled to go watch.
3. Some colleagues from the US who I work with daily came over to meet in person for the first time and the team night out was on an evening I was supposed to meet her.

4. A surprise 50th party for a very good friend arranged by a very disorganised spouse 4 weeks in advance as his other plans fell through.

In all of these cases I’ve given her a minimum of a few days notice (no cancelling on the day) and in the case of the 50th I’ve given a months notice. She’s been very cross at all times especially the 50th as she saw that as me ditching her (we had cocktails and dinner planned) for a party. But this was a surprise milestone birthday for someone I’d been friends with for 40 years and lived with after Uni. A very very good friend!

I always try and reschedule but sometimes she’s apparently “too busy” and can’t slot me in. After the most recent cancellation for the 50th and the grumpy response when I tried to reschedule I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do. She’s currently booking in our October night out and she gave me a date in the middle of half term when I haven’t finalised what we’re doing yet. For the first time I refused to book that far in advance as I think this is the problem - I obviously can’t commit this far in advance if there’s no flexibility. I have 3 kids, a FT job and an extended family with a lot going on- I don’t want to book something knowing there’s no way I can then ever reschedule. She’s now incredibly upset with me and refusing to meet at all as she’s not prepared to be, “slotted in when I have time”. I’m really questioning myself. I know MN frowns upon cancelling but which of us is Being unreasonable?

Does once a month feel ok to you OP? We're all different, but I tend to see the same friends for structured nights out less frequently than this, as I have other friends or family to see or other plans - or need to rest!

I can barely plan next week let alone October! Luckily my good friends are people who I love and all of us slot in around each other - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I'm the only one who still needs childcare for evenings, so sometimes that falls through - no one ever gets cross!

Definitely her who has a problem 2-3 months is fair enough for busy working mins ifs it's a fairly special occasion but 6 weeks max for normal dinner and drinks kinds of evenings out and never booking ahead of the previous meet up. We used to arrange the next one whilst out for instance

I had a friend like this... we aren't friends anymore and I have often wondered if me increasingly saying no to committing to plans months in advance was a big factor in the demise of a 13 year friendship.

Plans with her started to feel like obligations rather than something to look forward to - who wants that?? A Friday rolls around after a long, tough week and you feel like you HAVE to go somewhere because they don't accept a "hey shall we get a takeaway and have some drinks and a catchup instead?" or a request to reschedule. I could never suggest just doing something on a sunny evening because she'd be booked up with other things for a week or so in advance. I was dealing with some mental health issues for a while and explained I'd appreciate more flexibility, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Maybe I'm projecting a LOT here because I was very hurt at how things went with my friend, but I think you're completely in the right here. Plans with friends should be sources of joy in your life, not an obligation. Some people are very happy to live life mapped out according to their diary, regardless of how they feel at the time or anything else that pops up.... I'm not one of them, and it sounds like you aren't either @yogahippo.

I'd suggest you have a frank and honest chat about this with her now - maybe you'll find a compromise and avoid an outcome like mine.

Tell her you won't know until X date before. I can't plan more than a month ahead tbh. I forget.

Anything that goes in my diary 6 months prior will, without doubt, be postponed. Weddings, work stuff, big events, milestone parties (in fact, all parties) take priority over a casual drink with a friend.

Hmmm. There's no way I'd commit to a date in half term 6 months away. She can't possibly have kids.

Yup, @bigbluebus has it right, I think. Pencil in, check nearer the time, particularly in the middle of half-term.

FWIW I probably wouldn't have cancelled to meet work colleagues, because work does not take priority over friends for me, I would have said I wasn't free on that evening. But the other 3 reasons are perfectly acceptable.

She wants first dibs on your time on prime socialising days on a regular basis, and doesn't get that sometimes life gets in the way. Does she not have many other things in her life perhaps? I would move to only booking one session in advance, so book the next one once you've done the previous one. She might have a tantrum but so be it.

Sounds like she has her own issues with things needing to be planned months in advance.
As an aside, once you’re an adult and have family etc seeing a friend once a month is a lot. I’m guessing she doesn’t have many other friends given how much she’s demanding of you; this may just be a knock on effect of what she expects from a friendship which seems rather intense.
Doesn’t like being relegated to weeknights? What about the rest of your plans, other friends and family? Life’s too short to get involved with drama like this.

She's a control freak but I don't know if there's much you can do? Just accept that's how she is? It's all a bit much. I might just not feel like going to that arranged night out so I'd cancel. She'd probably bin me right off but that's fine because I prefer to be friends with people like myself; open, honest, low effort, fun, supportive, laid back.

I have a friend a bit like this. I have realised that it’s a reflection of her need for certainty and her anxiety about lack of structure. I will book things like theatre trips in advance, but otherwise I have explained to her that I get as stressed about having things booked months in advance as she does about having nothing booked. We seem to have reached a reasonably happy medium but it does sound like your friend doesn’t really want to meet halfway.

YANBU. I’ve recently fallen out with a friend in very similar circumstances.

I hate planning stuff so far in advance, as you say, life happens and with the best will in the world I have to change stuff around sometimes. She likes to have everything organised months in advance and woe-betide anyone who cancels.

I’ve cancelled her twice over the years - unfortunately within about 6 months of each other.

First time, I was with DD2 in A&E as she’d dropped a kettle full of boiling water on herself. Friend got shitty and couldn’t understand why DH couldn’t stay with DD in A&E while I still met up with her.

2nd time, she was supposed to come round for a takeaway. DD had been waiting months and months for a 24 hour, ambulatory EEG. We were out of the blue offered a cancellation spot for 2 weeks time and jumped at it. Unfortunately it was the same day friend was supposed to be coming over for a takeaway. DD just wanted to chill in her own home, without other people seeing her with all this stuff glued to her head, so I suggested either going out for dinner, or meeting up the following night instead.

Friend went batshit. We had a row and haven’t spoken since.

She sounds very anxious and like she feels a huge need to feel in control. It sounds exhausting. YANBU

I often wonder with these sort of posts, what if your friend see this?? It's too specific too be anyone else, has this ever happen I wonder??

She sounds tedious AF.

Assuming you're generally reliable, she's being unreasonable. You're right to tell her you can't commit so far in advance - you don't know what you're doing in October yet - stick to your guns on that one. Can you also find a way to tell her you don't appreciate her reactions when you try to reschedule?

Id just tell her its not convenient for you to arrange a night out so far in advance.

Bloody hell op, yanbu!

In the last 3 months (so well within your friend's bookable-in-advance schedule) I've unexpectedly had to - arrange an entire funeral plus tea afterwards, childcare for starting a new job, a week away (that was with 6 days' notice) and have cleared, cleaned, marketed and sold a house. And still been able to meet friends around being a full time single parent.

If she's so stuck on arranging nights out with zero flexibility - and zero understanding that, you know, sometimes life does get in the way and PLANS HAVE TO CHANGE - then I'd be cooling it down. A lot.

My weekends are precious, and there's no way I'd be spending a quarter of them trying to accommodate this nonsense - ask her to meet you for an impromptu tea time coffee at Macdonalds, you'll soon see how much she values your actual friendship rather than just a bod to accompany her to dinner and cocktails.

Unless this is a friend who lives on the other side of the country, this organising so far in advance is just pretentious and irritating. Who does she think she is - the Prime Minister?

My friends and I book things in advance, otherwise we would never see each as we are all so busy, but no one minds if someone drops out closer to the time.

Six months in advance?! That is very extreme.

It does look like you are choosing almost anything else though rather than your plans with her, and cancelling so many times might be making you look like a flake. I can see why she would think that. Perhaps suggest nights out to her when you can make it, and see if works for her? And when she suggests stuff just say you don't know what you are doing yet, you will get back to her a week and or two before.

You’re not being unreasonable here.

Is she lonely? I don’t get why she can’t be more flexible.

She sounds irritating not organized. I don't know anyone who plans like this. All of your reasons are valid event the 50th. If it's big events I would absolutely stick to it, but monthly catch ups I think that's something more easy going and can be cancelled should other things come up

Your pal is a bit precious. What a nightmare person. Is she single and anxious about being on her own? I know people who are like that and need something for every single night of the week. None quite as demanding as your friend though.

My MIL likes to book us months in advance because she’s so very important and busy. Thankfully she’s ok about us cancelling last minute but it is really annoying when she’s pulling out her diary to book a meal or to babysit in September/October ( usually when we don’t need a babysitter - we’re not going out types) especially when we only ever need a babysitter in emergencies and she can never help us then.

Me too. Whilst you might have had valid reasons to cancel, from her point of view she's been relegated as someone less important on several occasions now. But yes, planning that far ahead obviously doesn't work for you.

"I'm free on that date at the moment but might not be nearer the time - I'll pencil it in and confirm later" Ouch!