About cancelling an arranged night out

[yogahippo]

I have a very very organised friend. She likes to plan her diary months ahead and so when she suggests dates for get togethers I’m almost always free as it’s months into the future. We meet monthly and they are in the diary for the next 6 months!

However she doesn’t accept cancellations if other things come up because, “it’s been in the diary for ages”. I’m absolutely not talking about ditching her if a better or more fun offer for a night out comes up - I absolutely stick with prearranged plans in these circumstances. I’m talking things you really need to go to that you just weren’t aware of months ago when the evening out was arranged.I’ve cancelled 4 times over the last 2 years for these reasons:
1. My neighbour is in hospice care. Her daughter was playing Rizzo in school production of Greece. Neighbour thought she’d be well enough to attend- she wasn’t- I stepped in a few days before to go and support her daughter and record it for the neighbour.
2. My sons cricket team (very) unexpectedly made the final of a competition so I cancelled to go watch.
3. Some colleagues from the US who I work with daily came over to meet in person for the first time and the team night out was on an evening I was supposed to meet her.

4. A surprise 50th party for a very good friend arranged by a very disorganised spouse 4 weeks in advance as his other plans fell through.

In all of these cases I’ve given her a minimum of a few days notice (no cancelling on the day) and in the case of the 50th I’ve given a months notice. She’s been very cross at all times especially the 50th as she saw that as me ditching her (we had cocktails and dinner planned) for a party. But this was a surprise milestone birthday for someone I’d been friends with for 40 years and lived with after Uni. A very very good friend!

I always try and reschedule but sometimes she’s apparently “too busy” and can’t slot me in. After the most recent cancellation for the 50th and the grumpy response when I tried to reschedule I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do. She’s currently booking in our October night out and she gave me a date in the middle of half term when I haven’t finalised what we’re doing yet. For the first time I refused to book that far in advance as I think this is the problem - I obviously can’t commit this far in advance if there’s no flexibility. I have 3 kids, a FT job and an extended family with a lot going on- I don’t want to book something knowing there’s no way I can then ever reschedule. She’s now incredibly upset with me and refusing to meet at all as she’s not prepared to be, “slotted in when I have time”. I’m really questioning myself. I know MN frowns upon cancelling but which of us is Being unreasonable?

She's cancelled 4 out of 24 times!!

This sounds totally stressful and I would hate it

6 months is crazy. I have friends who do 2 months in advance as are routinely booked up so if I contact them now i can see them in August. I don't love it.

I hate booking things in advance - who knows what'll happen a few months in the future - commitments to aging parents, kids, work, or maybe just exhausted.

I've a friend who used to say "let's pin it down", to book a date in the future. It made me feel so stressed. If I commit to something, I'll never cancel (apart from an extreme circumstance), so having all these "pinned down" commitments felt very stressful.
In the end, I said I don't know how I'll feel or what is going on X months in the future, so let's see closer to the time. Now we book a week or two in advance, which is much better for me.

In this case, I'd just say I don't know what I'm doing as far in the future as October, so can't commit to anything yet, let's see closer to the time.

I disagree. 1 is weird (a random neighbour does not make up for a parent and I'd say 'sorry I'm busy' and not go to the theatre.) and 2 for me would be 'meh so what' (but I've frequently been ditched last minute as a child has some sporting event that Cannot Be Missed Ever even after travelling 12000 miles and it's the only time I can see them so I'm probably biased). 3 with the colleagues you've never met in person and and the 50th party I get as they are one off key events.
Four times just seems a bit much. I'd honour the long standing booking before 1 and 2.
Irrespective of the individual merits of the other events I'd feel a bit second best after 4 cancellations as other things have come up.

I don't think OP was trying to 'make up' for neighbour not being there – did you miss the part about neighbour being in hospice care and too ill to attend?

Absolutely bonkers to think a casual meet up with a friend you see regularly anyway can't be postponed to help out someone who is, presumably, very seriously ill. OP was filming it for her, I think that is praiseworthy, that is a real friend.

I disagree. 1 is weird (a random neighbour does not make up for a parent and I'd say 'sorry I'm busy' and not go to the theatre.)

You're joking aren't you???!!!!

The neighbour was DYING in a HOSPICE and OP filmed her daughter's performance for her to see. And SUPPORT the daughter who, for all you know, she's known for years.

Like you don't get more NOW or NEVER than that. Jeez. It was an actual privilege for the OP to do that for a dying person. You sound heartless or very young.
@SmugOldBag

God Alive. "no sorry I can't do that I'm busy..."

When people are dying you drop everything and help them.

1 is weird (a random neighbour does not make up for a parent and I'd say 'sorry I'm busy' and not go to the theatre.)

^ you'd say sorry I'm busy and refuse to film a child's performance for their dying parent (your friend) to watch at home later? I hope nothing like this ever happens to you. You won't have many friends by the sounds of it.

OP hasn't said the neighbour was dying . But every person I've known in a hospice has died.

The OP said the person died shortly afterwards.

You don't stay over in a hospice unless you have a life limiting illness and need symptom control or end of life care.

I'm glad they got see their daughter's performance.

i don’t see members of my family that often. She’s too demanding. I would have one date in the diary with someone and then arrange the next thing after the first bad happened. She is demanding 1/8 of your weekend nights. That’s much too much.

Your friend. Is. Nuts.

Sorry but I think this is pretty rude and says “Ok I’ll meet you then… unless a better offer comes along”.

NC
OP I could have written your post myself. I also have the same type of friend. She will book me in for months in advance, so she has things in her diary/ planned when she is free and there is no risk of her being alone when the DD are at their dads. She will ask if I am free, of course I am always free so far in advance. She 'bags' as many bank holidays/weekends that she can, which leaves me with no opportunity to do spur of the moment things with my DDs. I don't want to be in the situation where I wake up on a weekend to find it's a fantastic summers day and decide it would be lovely to take the DDs to the beach as a last minute choice ... only to realise that I had committed months ago to a day shopping with my friend (and I hate shopping !). It also makes things really awkward at home as it feels like I am saying 'the sun is out, it's a glorious day. I have plans for the whole day, so I am sorted, but fill your boots doing whatever you want. See ya laters' and I leave them all just sitting there (with DH) as I waltz off.

It also impacts on doing things with my mum and sister. Friend will 'bag' spa breaks/days with me, but then I don't have the cash to do these things again with my mum and sister.

Sorry, not much help OP. But I really feel where you are coming from. If you find a solution of how to politely decline so far in advance, then please do share.

I do think it's very controlling (I am aware my friend is controlling). I try to manage her/her asks but I am fast running out of excuses.

My mother used to do this. It completely killed the fun of doing anything as it was like a monthly chore. You couldn't spontaneously change it to going to a restaurant, or change the night if there was a good film on another day, you had to do exactly what was decided six months before. I put up with for years before deciding I had to take a stand. In the end I just refused to answer any questions about dates and plans more than in about an eight week period of time ahead. My mother kicked off at first but has calmed down now, and we still see each other about as much as previously, but it is a lot more enjoyable.

We are booked up every weekend until the last weekend of August which is now going to be spent ferrying kids to Reading no doubt, as we have lots of friends and social commitments. It is not unusual to book in advance in my world. Completely normal. If you want to see friends especially over the busy summer months getting organised is not a bad thing. Last minute meet ups would suit me better and I always welcome, but can't always do - very rarely.

Maybe your friend is in the same situation, and just wants to make sure she sees you?

She wants first dibs on your time on prime socialising days on a regular basis

This, totally ////\

For a friend you see once a month I don't think any of these reasons are unreasonable, in fact if it was a lunch date with friends you only see twice a year I don't think they are unreasonable at all.

I do have a friend as part of a group of us and she cancels or won't commit for ridiculous reasons and that pisses me off, eg her 20 year old daughter may need a lift somewhere or is feeling unwell (with a cold) and she doesn't want to leave her. Your reasons are totally fine IMO.

Thank you @sunglassesonthetable and @WTF475878237NC , I'm glad it's not just me!

I'm hoping @SmugOldBag didn't read the OP's post properly (the fact that she talks about the 'theatre' rather than the 'school' suggests she didn't). Otherwise I fear there is no hope.

I have a friend like this...is she a teacher perchance ?

OP, there are 102 Friday and Saturday nights in a year, and this one per

Sorry posted too soon and cannot count today apparently.

OP, there are 104 Friday and Saturday nights in a year, and this one person is demanding that you be available to her exclusively and with zero flexibility for over 10% of them.

Just say you need more flexibility due to your circumstances and cannot commit to seeing her in the way she wishes, and ask her how she wants to move forward.

For me its similar but usually the same week, a goodish friend tries to book me in for different days, but I prefer to be flexible depending on how's the day ect been vs If I want to head out in the evening, sometimei I'm not sure what I'll be doing, other times more usually I want to do more of my projects, so I try to say I'm busy, I usually get the talk of, you cancel me for x,y,z which yes is true, but only because I know this person is usually free most of the time, so as a result I give others priority first. And other times I don't want to be strapped to a specific schedule unless it's family first and foremost.

I'd actually find that really rude Hawkins001, fair enough if an important one off came up but to cancel for a better offer shows how much you value that person as a friend so I think they are right to comment that you prioritise others. If I have made plans I wouldn't cancel them just coz I've had a crappy day, if I was ill totally different. If it's a definite plan then I'd never cancel unless it was agreed we'd just catch up at some point that week.