About cancelling an arranged night out

[yogahippo]

I have a very very organised friend. She likes to plan her diary months ahead and so when she suggests dates for get togethers I’m almost always free as it’s months into the future. We meet monthly and they are in the diary for the next 6 months!

However she doesn’t accept cancellations if other things come up because, “it’s been in the diary for ages”. I’m absolutely not talking about ditching her if a better or more fun offer for a night out comes up - I absolutely stick with prearranged plans in these circumstances. I’m talking things you really need to go to that you just weren’t aware of months ago when the evening out was arranged.I’ve cancelled 4 times over the last 2 years for these reasons:
1. My neighbour is in hospice care. Her daughter was playing Rizzo in school production of Greece. Neighbour thought she’d be well enough to attend- she wasn’t- I stepped in a few days before to go and support her daughter and record it for the neighbour.
2. My sons cricket team (very) unexpectedly made the final of a competition so I cancelled to go watch.
3. Some colleagues from the US who I work with daily came over to meet in person for the first time and the team night out was on an evening I was supposed to meet her.

4. A surprise 50th party for a very good friend arranged by a very disorganised spouse 4 weeks in advance as his other plans fell through.

In all of these cases I’ve given her a minimum of a few days notice (no cancelling on the day) and in the case of the 50th I’ve given a months notice. She’s been very cross at all times especially the 50th as she saw that as me ditching her (we had cocktails and dinner planned) for a party. But this was a surprise milestone birthday for someone I’d been friends with for 40 years and lived with after Uni. A very very good friend!

I always try and reschedule but sometimes she’s apparently “too busy” and can’t slot me in. After the most recent cancellation for the 50th and the grumpy response when I tried to reschedule I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do. She’s currently booking in our October night out and she gave me a date in the middle of half term when I haven’t finalised what we’re doing yet. For the first time I refused to book that far in advance as I think this is the problem - I obviously can’t commit this far in advance if there’s no flexibility. I have 3 kids, a FT job and an extended family with a lot going on- I don’t want to book something knowing there’s no way I can then ever reschedule. She’s now incredibly upset with me and refusing to meet at all as she’s not prepared to be, “slotted in when I have time”. I’m really questioning myself. I know MN frowns upon cancelling but which of us is Being unreasonable?

Oh I don't know. Isn't the PM rather known for his spontaneous socialising?

1 comment in and you have your solution.

This is happening because she arranges so far in advance! It sounds more like a business agreement than a friendship!
If a friend asked me today to do something at the weekend or even next weekend, I'd know if I could do it, but months in advance is just ridiculous.

She sounds suffocating. It's ok not to maintain friendships that make you unhappy.

It's not you, it's her.

Either you schedule things in months in advance and accept that things might change in the meantime, or you make plans nearer the time.

If her agenda is really so packed that she can't change your dinner to any other day, she must be exhausted and broke. I bet that's not the case and she's just being difficult for the sake of it.

She's unreasonable for expecting you to be able to book so far in advance. However, you are also unreasonable, because you are telling her that you're committed, when in fact you're not committing to the date at all, and want to be able to move it. So if she asks to book you into something well in the future, you need to tell her that you're not able to commit at this stage, rather than saying you'll definitely come.

@bigbluebus I think that's very rude. You're basically telling them that you'll cancel if you get a better offer

I think provisionally booking ahead is great but there needs to be some flex for unplanned important things that pop up!

Unless it happens to be the case that you actually have "something really important" come up a good 40%+ of the time, which would start to be annoying (even if genuine), then she is controlling and not reasonable and YANBU.

If she's "too busy" to rearrange if you genuinely can't make it, I think you should ditch her. Is she "too busy" when you really need her for something in body or in spirit, or isn't it that sort of friendship? (In which case, she's more of an acquaintance anyway.)

Just say " I just can't commit myself that far in advance, I need to stay flexible for the family and my work ."

Well cancelling for a party does sound like the definition of cancelling because you later got a better offer. I’d be upset by that in her shoes.

I think if she does plan her diary that far in advance it’s perfectly possible that she doesn’t have much free time at short notice.

Gosh she's as bad as those people who say they are free in 2 weeks time and then still refuse to book in because they do t know what they're doing yet 🤔

I couldn't tell you what I'm doing beyond a few swim meets for ds and a weekend away in august before the end of summer holidays.

I understand booking the next month in at the current dinner. I get annoyed with people who won't commit a few weeks in advance.

But absolutely I couldn't be guaranteeing I'd be free 6 months in advance.

Your not being unreasonable I like notice to go out but I mean a week or two not months

She sounds like a real barrel of laughs 🤦🏻‍♀️ sIts hard to accept, but sometimes friendships do fizzle out. She’s being utterly ridiculous and it sounds more like a meeting you are legally obliged to attend than a night out with a friend 🫣 I’d leave it there tbh. The ball is in her court. It doesn’t suit you to plan in advance and if it doesn’t suit her to do it at short notice then that’s the end of that.

She’s a bit too rigid, and you’re a bit too flakey.

I book things in advance according to the significance of the occasion. Big birthdays, weddings etc., I want 6m+ notice. One on one nights out are usually a month or two in advance. Group dinners are somewhere in between. 90% of my friends and acquaintances seem to do similar - I find people at either end of the spectrum a bit annoying.

This cuts both ways. If someone invites me last minute to a big birthday, then I won’t flake on my existing plans in order to go - they should have been more organised. I think you were rude to cancel on her for the birthday, and probably also the school play (unless there really was absolutely nobody else to go).

A happy compromise might be to book in a few big events in the year (book theatre tickets etc.), then less formal nights out could be 2 months ahead. That way she gets some certainty of quality time, and you get some more flexibility.

Night 3 - out with colleagues, was this compulsory? Couldn't you have just explained you already had plans?

Night 4 - couldn't you have taken your friend to the party?

Nights 1 and 2 fair enough.

YANBU. Your friend is weird and controlling. I don't know anyone who would be ok with that, kids or no kids.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but given that for a large part of the last two years we have been unable to socialise, for those 4 cancellations, how many times have you met her?

No she isn’t. She’s telling them that sometimes life gets in the way and that things might come up that she can’t say no to. She’s being polite by explaining that.

Not everyone has a life so free of encumbrance and responsibility that they can guarantee they’ll have nothing they need to do on a specific date six months in advance. Work, kids, ageing parents, health, finances - all those are normal things that sometimes have to take precedence unexpectedly.

What’s rude is being so precious and entitled that you assume you must absolutely be the most important thing in everyone else’s life.

Bloody hell it’s full on and exhausting. I feel overwhelmed and she’s not my friend 🥺 Why once a month anyway? Why was that decided? She’s baggsying you so far in advance of anything else! The events you mentioned were non-negotiable. A ‘night out’ that happens EVERY MONTH could be adjusted to accommodate other important outings you wish to attend. What happens if you give it a miss that month? Do you get as much out of these outings as she does?? It just sounds like a chore! I bet you don’t go out for a night out with your husband that often!

She’s hard work.

It would be no debate or discussion for me. ‘X in October?’ ‘Sounds good but I’ll let you know nearer the time’. If she didn’t like it… tough. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If she insists that these dates are booked in advance and stuck to, the. once a month is too often for you. Maybe suggest a date once every three months, then more ad-hoc in between if and when you’re free.

She's controlling and insecure. Sounds like you need to have a proper talk with her about how you're feeling.

YANBU

Every month booked in for six months ahead?

Nah sounds like homework!

It takes all types I realise but I'd feel suffocated. Especially if she's putting dates in dates off in October.

Life gets in the way!

Every time she asks just say, that's too far away for me to plan, ask me again a couple of weeks before.