Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

Look up disordered eating support agencies/groups, ask your GP, try all avenues. There are lots of people who can help you

@CanaryWharf2 tbh I have a bit of an aversion to the idea of counselling because I've had quite a lot of trauma in my earlier life and the thought of talking about it 😞 I'd much rather shove it into its box where I can pretend it didn't happen.

We may be at the root of my problem already 🙈

@JamToastToday I will do that, thanks

Hello OP. To answer your question, yes it is a strange thing to do. I agree with some of the other posters that it sounds like you may have an addition to junk food - I also really recommend the bbc sounds podcast Addicted to Food. It’s a real eye opener. The main point to take from it is that it’s not your fault. Even if it was (and I’m not saying that at all) apportioning blame isn’t really helpful. The only relevant issue is: do you want to continue this way or change?

If you do want to change, what I think you should do is sit down and talk to your husband honestly about it. You’ve said your husband is supportive and this is about your own feelings rather than his behaviour - that way he can support you to try and reduce your junk food intake? That will be really hard to do… but I think once you’ve done it you will feel better.

If you were to change the names of the outlets you use your debit card in to off licenses/wine shops/pub chains I think most people would agree that your relationship with alcohol is unhealthy, that people who try to conceal their consumption from their partner have a problem and urge you to seek help and give up drinking.Its not so straightforward with food because consuming it in some form or other is a biological necessity.

Why do you need to eat in secret ? Are you too busy at home to be able to enjoy your meals ? Does your partner follow a particular diet ? Is he critical or controlling over what you eat ? Does he make derogatory comments about your size or is it your budget he's keeping an eye on ? Are you unhappy ?with him ? Or in general ?

You are, to a certain extent , cheating on your partner and it does sound as though you have a need that isn't being satisfied . I would think that it's not going to be simple for you to deal with this compulsion alone so I would seek out some form of counselling to help you figure out what your needs are and how you can meet them in a less self destructive way.

Then why not try one of the other options available through the NHS? There are several evidence-based interventions that can help.

Oh, love, this is an illness. Don’t feel ashamed or guilty. Just get help as soon as possible, just the way you would if you had any other serious, life-threatening illness. It’s not your fault it’s gotten to this point, but now you have a responsibility to your children to get help.

I used to eat in secret, but I also have a very loving husband like you. I went through a phase where I told him every time I ate in secret and told him my weight when I was ashamed of the number. I did this so he could reassure me he loved me just as much each and every time and give me a bit of a cuddle. Now I don’t eat in secret anymore. But it took me outside help to get to this place. You can do it too as long as you reach out for help.

Ok don't get stuck on any of the cruel to be kind bullshit remarks.thats an excuse for lack of understanding or empathy.especially if it's a comment on something so complex and I'm thinking a more serious ED type set of symptoms rather than non mental health becoming overweight.your issues especially the shame and thougtvprocess seem to be deeper seated.
This requires not a diet or slimming club.it requires emotional help on getting to the reason why food has become the symptom of your issues and your outward way of showing it,coping,using it etc.
There are private help facilitators.orper talking through all this shame and mentality towards yourself and food.
Also if try to find HARD aligned council or who won't just see your body as a problem but will both promote actual health behaviours and listen and council.
But the shame your feeling is causing a never ending cycle
no matter your size you deserve love freedom and respect.weve become a society that is so gross to fat people making it the evil word and descriptor.
But your are way more than your body.and you've got to gervyoir self worth back.then when that happens it's so much easier for the rest to follow.and u are better to make choices about food without the automatic disordered thinking.and it's about what can u add in to promote health not just this huge focus on weight loss which in itself isn't a health behaviour.

This thread makes me sad. It doesn't matter if anyone else thinks it's strange. No one needs to jump on the judgement train to tell you what's right or wrong or healthy or not about what you're eating. I think it's unhealthy for people to judge other people and shame them with their opinions or for your husband to try to control you.

Eating is an intimate act but we don't think of it that way. You should not worry about what other people think.

The OP has explicitly asked people @Boxowine

OP. This is an opportunity for you to change. You’re obviously embarrassed by your eating and spending or you wouldn’t be attempting to hide it.

Make that change, for your husband, your family and most importantly, for you.

Her DH is not trying to control her and her health is a risk. Have you RTFT?

"I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/ how much I eat". This is controlling behavior. We may all have things that we wish our partners didn't do but we are not in charge of them.
If OP eats more than you do it is for her to decide if she wants to change what she eats. Just like it is up to you to decide how you want to drive, smoke, drink, exercise, eat or even engage in relational aggression. It's not for her husband or practically perfect posters to shame her. You are a part of this vicious cycle.

Sounds very tough. I wonder if you are eligible for any psychological help, could you explain to your (or the nicest GPat your surgery!) GP and ask?

I just wanted to add that it’s clearly an addiction. Someone slim coming on here and saying ‘just’ eat less or ‘just’ use willpower isn’t going to be at all helpful. You need supportive people around you, accountability and help to look at the root causes so you can recover. The weight is just a byproduct of the use of food as a mood stabiliser. Don’t focus on the weight itself.

Being 'blunt' like that rarely helps people change. A different approach is needed i.e. listening to what people say! I personally think you've been brave posting OP actually.

OP I think you posted because you know things need to change anyway. Make them change now. You say you have money. I wouldn't go down the NHS route tbh. I hope I'm wrong but I imagine it would take ages plus eating disorder clinics in a lot of areas don't offer much for binge eating disorder or overweight. It's people below a certain BMI. If I was in your position and I had money I'd look into private counselling honestly. Do some research and find an approach you think will work for you. Is it boredom? Cos you're probably not hungry in the evening after having tea with your children, although once you start eating like that your body probably gets used to it.

With McDonalds in the morning is it habit? I do think the availability of fast food now and how normalised it is along with apps doesn't help. I'd work to getting rid of the pre-paid card, cutting down on the amount of times etc but think you need some support to do that. Make sure the rest of your diet is high protein and fat and balanced as that will reduce cravings. Good luck.

You sound great, and you know this is wrong on all sorts of levels. Talk to your partner honestly and commit to breaking this destructive habit one day at a time. See your GP, go for a walk or do a fitness class online each day, Macdonalds once a week for you both then save the rest of the money for a family day out or something similar to look forward to. Get back in control and be healthy. You deserve better.

I can relate to this. Have you considered counselling? Or if you want to eat less hypnotherapy?

Hi OP. I've been there, getting the extra dinner and 3 chocolate bars but not wanting partner to see it. Eating in the car, in the kitchen, hiding it. Weight piling on just making the binges worse. I looked into Overeaters Anonymous and BED and although I never had the courage to formally get help, recognising that I was not just bad/weak/a loser, but that bingeing was an addiction it meant I could overcome it. Just one day at a time.

Try and see if you can go one day without a binge a week. Then try two. Maybe you could start by defining a binge as anything you would try and hide from your partner. Don't focus on what might seem like the insurmountable weight loss yet, try to focus on fixing the bingeing and stopping additional weight gain.

Just some ideas, sorry for all the people just trying to "shake you" into fixing yourself, I know the tough love thing didn't work for me. They probably aren't coming from a bad place, it just makes no sense to them, like any other mental health condition it can seem confusing.

One day at a time OP, good luck.

I never understand why people put all their money in joint accounts. Everyone needs some privacy and independence. This need doesn’t disappear when you get together with someone else. The eating is a different issue.

Someone on here the other day recommended Overeaters Anonymous- although I don't have any experience of them.

I wanted to respond OP: I’m not where you are but I recognise traces of your behaviour. It’s not just down to greediness 🙄, it’s addiction and it sounds like you are in the full throes of it. For others, it could be alcohol, drugs, gambling, risky sex, cutting, whatever. Junk food belongs firmly in the same category as the rest.

and It’s far more than just a ‘habit’. It’s a compulsive behaviour, which your body and brain have come to crave because doing it makes you distracted and numb for a while. That dizzying hit of it that takes you away from yourself, muffles whatever voice or situation is actually causing your distress.

Two things to tackle it. The first is education. Start reading about addiction. Start reading about the chemical effects of high carb, high fat, processed foods on your body. Learn what’s happening between your brain and your body when you eat them. Knowledge is power.

Second: speak to someone. It doesn’t have to be your DH. If money is available, try a counsellor. Definitely try Overeaters Anonymous. There is usually some unresolved trauma at the root of addictive, compulsive, self destructive behaviour. If you loved yourself, respected yourself, then why would you actively inflict such harm on yourself? You have got through more than 200 posts on this thread and you haven’t let a single thing out: you seem more concerned about being polite to everyone and reassuring us that your DH is super nice. You have to start talking honestly, not on here (unless you want to - many do) but to a professional.

Big hugs.

Ah I've got you. I have a bit of a takeaway coffee habit that my DH disapproves of so I ways get that from my personal spending account. But yes I see this is something different. X

I just wanted too say this is very strange indeed and your kind of recognising it by asking the question which is a positive thing.

I never once assumed this to be abuse or control from your DH. This is you having an eating disorder and not wanting him too know. Binge Eating/Over Eating is a addiction and many will not understand that - I would recommend you read the book Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Fairburn as a starting point rather than getting a secret debit card. Read the book and decide where you want to go from there.

I've only read the OP's posts so not sure if anyone has suggested it yet but rebelfit on Facebook is all about looking beyond peoples weight at their mental health because being overweight is not just about too many calories.
He does run challenges but you don't have to join, his posts are enough for now to start understanding why you eat like you do.

I know you need help from your GP but wonder whether you can start small, weaning yourself off a McD's breakfast completely will be tough going but could you change what you order?
If you usually have a breakfast muffin and 2 hash browns could you only have 1 hash brown or have 1 less thing in the muffin?

Same with takeaways in the evenings, this is presumably boredom, could you order less but not obviously less and reduce your intake that way?

Well done for reaching out and admitting there is a problem.

Hi op. Many people eat too much which is why there is such a huge weight loss industry. I would say about 80% of my female friends want to lose weight and whilst usually not massively overweight, could do with losing a few stones.

Keeping in shape was a lot easier before we had kids because we could focus on ourselves and do nice things for ourselves. When we have young kids with most or all of the housework and childcare done by us, about the only thing we can treat ourselves with is food (and in many cases, alcohol).

Also, we still have a primitive brain and instinct that food is good and must be seeked out and consumed.

We create habits and habits are really uncomfortable to break. Our brain tries to get us to keep doing the things that has kept us alive even if it is destructive (hasn't killed us so that is better than the unknown).

Have a look at the alcohol experiment. It is a 30 day experiment and although it is about alcohol, a lot of it can be applied to anything addictive. It is kind and non judgemental and really interesting. You learn so much. You get a little 'lesson' a day and you get to answer questions and journal (only you read all this).learn.thisnakedmind.com/the-alcohol-experiment-registration

I have done the alcohol experiment successfully but I've had to change my life in a positive way. Reframe the way I thought about myself and treated myself with kindness. Eg. Of course I wanted to drink in the evenings because I'd been working all day and cooked, cleaned, taxied kids and looked at all the things I still needed to do in the evenings. That was my 'treat'. So now, I stop at a certain time and allow myself guilt free time off to do whatever I want. Read a book, go for a swim and a jacuzzi, watch tv - whatever. And I look forward to that like I did alcohol.

My kids are older so easier to do than yours but see how you could share stuff with your husband to allow you that self care time.