Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

The strange part of this is that a joint account is your only way to access your money. Why not a joint account for bills with separate accounts of your own name for personal spends? Does he have his own separate account?

I just want to say that I am in the same boat and I understand so much what you are going through.
One pandemic, homeschooling and relationship breakdown that left me a single parent of 2 very young kids with a big mortgage to pay on my own later and my weight has ballooned to 14 stone and I'm 5 foot 4.
I've always had a problem with eating, I've had bulimia for so many years and I'm now double the weight I used to be in my early twenties.
I have had, since my early teens, the most horrendous relationship with food but now I understand that I have GOT to lose weight because my kids really need me around and I can't put my inability to control myself on them when I eat myself to an early grave because that is what I am doing. And it's so much more complex than being greedy or secretive, it IS a disorder and mine is so much as a result of stress.
I have started weight watchers and the weight is starting to come off slowly but I understand now that the quick fixes I have done in the past have been a waste of time and it was my lifestyle that needed to change. I'm also taking applying for a slightly lower paid but less stressful job because I recognise that stress is so much a contributing factor to my eating habits. I'm really trying to do something about it.

Most days I feel disgusted with myself for being this big but I am determined to get down to a healthy weight this year if not for me then for my beautiful children who I owe it to. I hope this doesn't come across as preachy, I really just wanted to share because I really do understand how you feel x

She has an issue with it. That’s not controlling behaviour from him and the OP has said a few times that he is lovely.

She wants to change, that screams out from her posts.

@jadeyxox Apologies, I hate replying to other posters as if the OP isn’t hear and reading. You sound so lovely. You have taken all comments on board and been honest and open to all opinions.
Good Luck x

Your husband probably isn’t stupid. Being as overweight as you are, most likely he’s already guessed that you are eating above and beyond what’s on your grocery bill. You say that he’s very loving, so maybe he just doesn’t want to say anything about it to you so you don’t feel bad.

Just to point out @Robinni that your posts are awful and there is proven evidence that lectures from judgemental wallies are counterproductive and produce a natural psychological resistance.

I guess what I am saying is that if someone like you does want to help, the best thing you could do is stop posting.

It appears from your tone that what matters most to you is a feeling of superiority, rather than being understanding and supportive.

Disagree, this is not strange. Many married couples have a joint account as the primary account.

I have privacy and independence and all our money is in a joint account. The two things are not connected for me.

People do things differently because people are all different.

If you're worried about your DP knowing what you eat, aren't you worried he'll want to know what your spending your money on next? Unless money is an issue and you're spending a lot more on yourself than he is, then I wouldn't worry. He may have a gentle word with you about eating better, but it'd only be because he cares.

What will you do to address your problem with food addiction and learn to love yourself and nourish yourself properly? Will you call your GP? You have come here to ask for help, and you clearly need help. So will you take a risk? You are going to have to change something or slide into ill-health and potentially a shortened life. Is your partner living and supportive? If so could you tell him what's going on, tell him about the secret eating? Just admitting what you are doing to either your GP and or partner, good friend, family member, would make the situation real and you won't be in denial any more. Others have turned their lives around, with the right help, and so can you. You deserve to. For your children, for your partner, most of all for YOU.

While the money itself might not be an issue there is an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship where there is so much secrecy about its use yet the signs of self destruction are all too evident. Maybe he thinks you are happy at your increasing weight and lack of fitness or that it means you are less attractive to others and it gives him security. Whatever he thinks, he is choosing to turn a blind eye and your self esteem is getting lower. Do you want him to notice and ask you to change, for you, for him , for dc? Would he support you to do so? Might he have other habits of which you are not fully aware?

@LIZS That is such a weird interpretation of what’s going on! Nothing form the op has suggested she’s in an abusive relationship!

Her husband has shown concern. He doesn’t track her spending nor missed the money.

🙄

Your husband probably has some idea that you eat out and you're spending more than is apparent. You hiding it from him is not such a big deal. You're getting a lot of unfair judgement here from people. It's not uncommon for people to obscure habits and practices from their partners: Unwanted hair removal, farting, using the toilet. The number of times I've hidden my crisp bags and chocolate wrappers inside one (very bulky) crisp packet and shoved it under the other rubbish in the bin! There's worst things to be coy about.

It doesn't sound like you're in the mindset to lose weight right now, but you know that it will need to be done in the future. It can be hard if you're sleep deprived or unfulfilled to go without food as a crutch. However, you should at least prepare yourself mentally for the future weight loss by ensuring you have enough sleep every day and find ways to reward yourself that are not food all the time. Maybe skip one of your McDonalds items each visit and use the excess on the card to get your nails or lashes/brows done or buy a book. Dance to Alexa for one song a few times a day. Walk briskly every day. You should also ensure that you're eating at least 5 portions of fruit and veg a day then remind yourself that this food and exercise is your friend and keeps you healthy for your family. Just small things so when you are ready to lose the weight, you have the energy and mindset to extend good habits and a positive relationship with food and exercise into actual weight loss.

@Bunce1 perhaps not consciously but he knows she spends money and he can see her weight gain, yet apparently shows no concern.

Obviously your relationship with food needs work however I get where you are coming from with not wanting your husband to know everything you are spending. I have never had a joint account and never want one, when my kindle purchases went to my dp's account I hated it ( he didn't care or notice) and I had nothing to hide. Can you not get another account for your own spending?

This is sad to read. If you were doing it to buy vodka everyone would be telling you your dc deserve better and to seek help not validation for deceiving your dp.

I'm sorry you're obese, you of course know the health problems so instead of asking is it ok to lie to my dp maybe go on the weightless board and ask for tips and support on how to make changes.

Hi OP, I may have missed if you’ve said your age, and I’m sorry if I have but I’m going to assume you’re still relatively young because if your children’s ages.
If you don’t address your weight soon you will start to get all sorts of health problems, and will miss out on so much valuable activities with your kids. with that in mind, can you consider this a watershed moment to make changes to your lifestyle?
like you I loved McDonald’s, bakery stuff, and chocolate was my big vice. However, I’ve knackered my knees being overweight for 20 years and I had shut my eyes to the health impact for years. At the start of the year I was 20st and 5’9, so a bmi of 40 and couldn’t walk for more than 5 mins.
Even at my prior weight, It was possible to make changes and losing weight and getting fitter. I’m still on the journey to do so, and have lost a couple of stones, but honestly making changes impacts every part of your life for the better!
Please stop hiding this secret eating, get it out into the open and address it with your partner. You’ll thank yourself in the future xx (very unmumsnetty kisses!)

Being in a relationship, a healthy relationship, means you have a witness, someone who sees you, someone who cares about you, someone you are answerable to. By hiding your unhealthy food spending, you're circumventing the witness, so that the DH who cares for your wellbeing can't see, can't intervene. It's very effective self-sabotage, self-harm. That leaves you caring for your own health and holding yourself to account. Your brain knows the facts, but you're not following through, swamped in guilt and shame. Openness and health keep trying to happen though - chatting with your friend, now this thread. It's a brave step, but I say enlist all the love and accountability you can to help. From DH, from friends, from a therapist too. No more hiding, OP ❤️

I think that to make progress with your weight, you may try to think about yourself differently and building self esteem.

Perhaps instead of berating yourself for being overweight, you could consciously start thinking of your body as something that needs nurturing and look at your food choices through that lens. I had a moment like this but in very different circumstances and thinking of my body as a wonderful thing that deserved nurturing and respect was an eye opener.

Maybe look at the book 'why we eat too much' - there's a thread on here in weight loss chat. Just to get some general principles. Basically avoidance of processed food and eat whole foods I think is the most important part.

Don't be hard on yourself. I think with a significant amount of weight to lose you are looking at more of a lifestyle change rather than a quick fix.

Although food is the most important, ANY exercise will help. Maybe you could start with 2 x 20 mins brisk walks a day - esp in summer this should be doable - and the outdoors does clear your head and lift mood.

You can do this OP.

McDonalds most mornings. Why would you do that to yourself!?

It's expensive, poor quality crap

Have you read the thread? Is this helpful at all? Like asking an alcoholic why they drink cider and not fine wine.

Good luck OP. I really think you need to be honest with your husband so he knows the situation and he can support you to get help.

I had a health scare this year that pushed me to lose weight and seeing my health improve as my weight has decreased and has been really heartening.

Answering a question without reading it first. No use to anyone.

Why would you do that?

@carefullycourageous

This is utter bollocks.

Please get off your sanctimonious high horse.

I am in no way superior. I understand perfectly.

I am currently in the middle of trying to shift about 4 stone and have been as heavy as OP before. It is not pleasant.

I have sat and eaten an entire birthday cake, pizzas, whatever else on my own. It isn’t healthy.

People saying there there and offering support in the traditional sense did nothing for me, I’d just brush it off as something I should get around to doing.

Someone saying to me, listen you are going to die if you don’t do something about this. You are not going to be around for your DC. That is what helped me and made me move positively.

I needed to see the stark reality. Op needs has had years of pondering about this and it has only got worse. Gentle support hasn’t worked. She needs medical help - to stop lying to her partner and wasting tens of thousands, to get herself fit and well. Everyone has said that.

To the posters telling the OP that she’s putting herself at risk, will die young etc. - You obviously don’t understand how addiction/ compulsive behaviour works.

Telling someone with an eating disorder that their unhealthy lifestyle will clog up their arteries is all well and good - it’s similar to telling a smoker that they will die of lung cancer or an alcoholic that they will get liver disease and drop down dead.
They more often than not do it anyway because the REASON for their problem is still there. Ironically, for a million and one reasons, people are soothing one problem (emotional/psychological) for another (food, drugs, alcohol etc..)

I must have missed the OPs references to the support she has received. What was it?