Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

I’m not at the point I’m struggling to walk but I’m not going to deny that my fitness is getting a real issue. Maybe I’ve got age on my side but I know that won’t last for ever, so I’m not making excuses

and the fitness bit is something I know DH is worried about

OK WHY do you have this constant need for food - of any sort? When did the disordered eating start, was there anything that triggered it?

Your OP was about having a secret card. You know there are issues around it or you'd just have gone and done it. You eat even though you feel bad about it - do you enjoy it at the time then feel bad, or do you feel bad even while you're eating?

Please OP, look for help to get to the bottom of why you're doing this. Find strategies to stop. Every behaviour we exhibit - however unhelpful, self sabotaging, nasty or downright dangerous - we do because we perceive that it offers us a reward. What is the reward you feel you get from what you're doing?

I'm sorry most us aren't simply answering the question you asked in your OP. But we can see that the card isn't really the issue. Please help yourself before it's too late.

It seems pretty clear that you are describing an addiction OP. Eating addictions are very hard and much misunderstood. With alcohol or smoking one can aim at stopping completely but of course you have to eat so face this continually. Other posters have shared their struggles and given ideas of where to seek help. I do hoe you can avail of this and get the help you need. As others have outlined it can be done and even tastes and preferences and habits changed. Good luck.

I wish there was a simple answer to that. I started putting on weight in my late teens and early 20s and I’ve yo-yo’ed since that time. A lot of the weight has gone on since having my youngest

Oh OP, everybody's gone to bed here, I'm alone watching a movie and eating a whole packet of jaffa cakes (which I conveniently hid before...). You and I have issues. Our behaviour isn't normal. We shouldn't be doing this. We know we shouldn't. Nobody needs to tell us it's wrong. We know it's wrong. I know it's wrong, you know it's wrong. It's not about the money, it's not about the deceit, it's not about not sharing, we know we shouldn't be eating crap (hence the hiding it), we know it's bad for our health, bad for for our weight, bad for our self-esteem, bad everytime we put on a favourite dress and it doesn't fit as well. We're smart people, we should be eating better. I know and you know too. You don't need people here to tell you it's wrong. You know what you're doing is wrong.
You should be asking for tips to stop the habit... I'm addicted to Cookies and Coke (you know the drink they use to unclog drains? that drink), we should have a club Cokeheads Anonymous and then I'd introduce myself and say I had can today. I bought it when I went to the supermarket and drank it the car (where nobody would see me!). Why can't I stop?! I know it alters DNA, yet I can't to stop. I need help and so do you.

I think PP is trying to help but this just reiterates my view that eating disorders or alcoholism is treat as less important than anything else.

I honestly do feel everything you’re saying there. It is so hard x

@jadeyxox at the point where I weighed what you do I was 21. I started having real difficulty with my knees tbh. And I almost needed an extra seat on a plane!!

I lost weight gradually and it yo-yoed a bit. Massive gain due to a lot of stress, but getting there now. It took someone showing me on the obesity scale where I was and the health prospects I had to look forward to to knock some sense into me…. The food only temporarily makes me happy and makes virtually all other aspects of life less happy so on balance I can do without it.

Oh gosh, that must have been so tough at that age. We’re going away in the summer and I’m not gonna lie, I am dreading the plane.

OP you have very patiently replied to many people on this thread. But at no point have you indicated that you are either already getting help for this or that you will now get help. This is really important. Is something stopping you from getting help as I don't think you can do this alone.

Sorry I’m not ignoring all the amazing advice, this has all been a lot to take in and I wasn’t expecting such a response, and I just need to think about everything.

What’s to think about? Why won’t you call your GP in the morning?

You could do it instead of going to McDonalds.

It's not just hard, it's effing Hard. There's a supermarket in every corner! I walk in and instead of thinking about what fruit I'm getting, I'm doing a mental check for the cookies I'm getting. Cookies, crisps and coke! I started watching a documentary about gambling today and I was like I'm not watching this, it would never be a problem for me. Gambling doesn't worry me, I don't like booze much so will never be a drunk. I was laughing and saying nice handbags and Coke are my problem, but then I read your post and heck I have a problem. I have a real problem. This isn't temporary as it's been a while. I've been hiding food in the car and my head in the sand! 😔
I'm sending you lots of hugs OP. It's not an easy position to be in.

I’m going to sleep now but I wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to reply. I wasn’t expecting as much of a reaction and there’s been some lovely posts with so much advice, I just need to take it all in. I’ll check back in tomorrow xx

I felt quite humiliated. Was I think a size 24 at that stage. I got down to 16 1/2 stone somehow without meaning to then lost a further 5 1/2 via weight watchers. This might work for you as you can eat as much as you want of points free foods (which can include chicken, turkey, brown rice, potatoes not just lettuce). They also have coaches you can chat to and other users for support.

Genuinely though as the deception over money is involved in your case and your bmi is so high GP best placed to help. They can also check your thyroid, cholesterol, blood pressure, insulin levels, sex hormones etc. If there’s an imbalance (as with me) you can have increased appetite, altered metabolism, increased fat deposition… so best to get all that dealt with too pronto.

OP your BMI is 47, that is dangerously high. Your DH is worried about your health and rightly so. Please stop deceiving him and seek some proper medical health.

Do you have a weight problem? Are you overweight?

I’m surprised that you were surprised at your friends response, but I think it’s good that you told your friend about it and were able to get some sort of reality check about your habit.
the first step to battling any addiction is admitting to it.
most people I know who are overweight, eat in secret. My MIL will swear down she eats very little, but in reality I caught her cooking a pizza at 2am one night when we were staying over and I think if we were to put a spy camera in her house it would show she was actually eating all day.

you need to cut that card up. Delete the apps and admit to your husband what you’ve been doing.
when I decided to quit smoking I told everybody I was quitting because I needed everybody to hold me to the promise..and it worked because I went from being a 20-30 a day smoker to a non smoker over night and have been ever since.
my motivation to continue with my promise was spurred on by seeing everyone so surprised at how well I was doing and proving them all wrong.

OP I am the same as you. Seriously addicted to takeaways and junk food and very overweight. I've been thinking I should ring the doctor but what will they do? Get a nurse to tell me how to eat healthily? I know what I should be eating I just have this overwhelming urge to eat rubbish. Or put me on a list for counselling, I could sit on that for years and will it help? It sounds like I'm making excuses but I just don't see the point in reaching out to the GP when I don't see how they can actually help.

I haven’t read the whole thread, just your posts OP. It sounds like you’re in a dark place.

Posters going on about the weight issue are missing the point, if it was that simple then no one would be overweight.

I am in no way qualified to say this other than being a recovered addict but you’re in the grip of an addiction and it’s killing you. You don’t have to do this alone. Your husband sounds like a very supportive partner and there are lots of agencies that can help you.

It’s a psychological issue so I would really encourage you to sign up for one to one therapy and group support if at all possible. There is no better way to spend your money.

At my worst I as spending £1000 a day gambling. It was never about trying to win money, I had lots of money, I was addicted to being distracted by the machines. Later I was diagnosed with severe trauma and I learnt that addiction is often used as a means.of coping with trauma, of distraction from distress. I got a lot of help from a psychologist and a problem gambling agency and was able to stop. I have never relapsed. My partner was very supportive though he could have chosen to be angry about the money I wasted. He didn’t see it like that, he did it was what I needed to do to survive at the time and that being well was more important.

I hope you can access the level
of support I did and get well. You deserve it. You’d support your husband and children if they had a severe illness, after all.

I’m most concerned about your lack of financial privacy. I know how much DH earns and he knows how much I do. We set budgets together, discuss big purchases and savings and everything - but we have our own money and own accounts. What if you want to buy something or book something for him as a surprise?

I think I’d be annoyed if I was DH and lots of money was being spent ‘in secret’ for just one person, regardless of what it was on.

I’d also be hurt that my DP wouldn’t be open and truthful with me, come to me for help, and is hiding part of themselves from me. I’d also be hurt that my dp would think I would judge them.

primarily though I’d be worried about my dp, because you clearly have an eating disorder that you’re not getting any help for op and you sound very unhappy

don’t just use this post as a way to beat yourself up more with people being harsh, try to take the advice and change something
can you tell dh?
can you call the gp and make an apt
could you look at the nhs advice? Just any first step you can make

good luck 💐

Seriously? The OP has a BMI of 49.

Yes, of course counseling can help.

Why would you not want to give it a try? Do it for your family, if not for yourself.