Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

Well clearly - which is why she has to realise the position she is in is not good, go to her GP, receive counselling, attend over eaters anonymous, consider inpatient admission to treat the addiction, consider a gastric band or drug to stop her eating so the association with food becomes a negative rather than a postive experience.

Nobody is suggesting saying oh you’ll end up I’ll will solve the issue. But it might make her realise urgent action is needed to stop the addiction in its tracks.

As for the smoking analogy. A dodgy smear and the fear of cancer was enough for me to quit.

Genuinely for me fear of death is a motivator!

@22N she’s confided in friends, mother, sister and husband have voiced their concerns. It’s gone too far for at home help or weight loss programmes, but I think she knows this and will take the advice of everyone posting to go to GP.

Thanks for that 👌

So no specialist help. I really hope she gets what she needs.

I find a lot of the posts here really frightening they display so little knowledge about problem eating it's scary. Tough love does not combat these issues, in fact it steals a person's ability to make choices for themselves. That feeling of constant judgement creates a cycle of shame/comfort/shame which is spectacularly counterproductive.

These foods literally change your makeup so you want/need more. It's a multi billion pound industry based on making you want more. Breaking that is tough, really tough because you have to reset all of those effects. It takes months not one "frank" telling off (or hundreds even).

Op having a card to hide spending is unhealthy but you know that. I'd suggest you do some research into how these foods affect you psychologically and how you can break that cycle. Knowledge is power here. Take care of yourself

@Robinni You can plough on thinking your 'tough love' approach works, but it has been proven to be harmful.

But I am sure you consider your anecdata more important than decades of scientific research, so I will not waste any more time trying to explain.

Hiya everyone.

About to start work so only managed to quickly skim over posts and will read and respond properly later but just wanted to add a couple of things I think I’ve seen asked.

Someone asked how old I am and I’m 28.

Can’t say enough about how DH is not at all controlling. We’ve been together 5 years and married 3 and he’s never been controlling or abusive or anything like that. Yes I lie to him (or don’t tell him) because I think he’d be disappointed but that’s not about him being controlling, that’s about me.

I guess I can see how people would find it weird that we only have a joint account but it’s never something I’ve ever thought about it as we’ve both always been fine with it. It looks like there’s a few others on here who have the same set up so it’s obviously not just us.

sorry if I’ve missed anything important but I will read properly later x

sorry that should say together 6 years.

It's not really about the money or your weight, it's about the secrecy. If you swap alcohol or drugs for junk food, your addiction would be taken much more seriously, and you'd also receive more sympathy and support. The junk food might be legal, but it will still kill you if you carry on like this. Please see your GP to arrange counselling, or contact one of the eating disorder support groups mentioned by others.

@carefullycourageous I can only speak from my personal experience, having been morbidly obese and got better.

I will not argue with the science, presuming you have qualifications in this area.

@jadeyxox I have read through all your posts. You've not once mentioned if you've sought any help yet? This sounds like post natal depression- you are eating your feelings. Speak to your doc ASAP and I'm sure they'll trial you on some appropriate meds and go from there.

I have met quite a few people with addiction issues due to voluntary work I did. All of them had addiction issues because of their pasts. The level of your addiction to food indicates that something in your past has triggered a genuine addiction not just the usual struggles some people have with gaining a bit of weight.

I do know one person who lost six stone over a period of two years. They had a very difficult backstory. When she dealt with her pain she not only lost weight her true personality shone through. She had eaten her own misery for 3 decades.

I’d be concerned if I found out my DH was secretly spending money on any addiction- be it gambling, alcohol or indeed food. You clearly do have an addiction to food, your BMI is around 48 so morbidly obese… You need to contact your GP and I’d come clean to your DH too.

It’s not judgement to mention medical facts. A BMI of 49 is life-limiting.

The problem is that you have a junk food addiction; how you pay for it is a side-issue. And you are carrying the equivalent of a whole extra you around with you, which is bad for your heart and your joints. Have you tried intermittent fasting? It is actually much easier not to think about food if you are not going to be having any food that day.

Surgery only works if you can break habits and change mindset. Op would need to make a conscious effort to change routine and distract herself from needing to eat the extra calories, which is not easy without support. At least this is an admittance of a problem, if indirectly.

I think the debit card and the DH are all completely irrelevant. Your title should be " I am 28 and my BMI is 49. How can I get it down so I can live past 40?". Am sorry to be so blunt but you seem to be going on about your DH and your financial arrangements while skirting around the fact that your weight is an actual danger to you. Get help immediately on private, as you seem to be able to afford it.

I think I have some insight - I only have joint accounts with DH, we have a comfortable income and he couldn't care two hoots what I buy and when . However, he gets a text every time money goes out of the account which means every time I use my card he gets a text to say when/where/how much and obviously he knows it's me because it isn't him! Sometimes, I use cash instead because I'm not doing anything 'wrong' but I just want more privacy, e.g. if I go to a coffee shop after work to study, I don't want to 'announce' it by him getting a text, I'd rather message him if I choose to (or just rock up when I'm ready!)

I have used cash in the past to buy unhealthy food outside of our weekly shop or a top up as a way of hiding it from DH. I am 2st overweight.

Op, give yourself a big hug and a pat on the back. By speaking to a friend, and posting on here, you’ve taken the first step. This is not about you being greedy or lacking self control, and traditional diets won’t help. You have disordered eating and you need to look at how to address that. This may be as a result of trauma (and don’t judge with adult eyes, something we think is minor as an adult can be major as a child/teen) or may be as a result of the food industry use of addictive elements such as sugar and upf. I’d look at changing the mindset first. Look at resources for binge eating disorders online and see if any resonate.

this is not something to be ashamed of, it’s a mental health problem and it’s ok to say I’m not ok.

U think I have some insight - I only have joint accounts with DH, we have a comfortable income and he couldn't care two hoots what I buy and when . However, he gets a text every time money goes out of the account which means every time I use my card he gets a text to say when/where/how much and obviously he knows it's me because it isn't him!
Has he set notifications for every transaction? Ask him to turn it off unless security checks for online spends.
I wouldn't like this, it's very intrusive.

YABU, but not because you shouldn't have your own money to spend as you like. I think it's just another way to mask your unhealthy relationship with food and I think that for your own sake you'd be much better off tring to address that than find other ways to hide your shame (I would imagine that also leads to more guilt shame).

Some people have been rather nasty to you OP and it is hard to gage on here wether they are being intentionally rude or just trying to get you to face base facts, which reading your posts you get anyway. I do think that even though you are embarrassed and accept the health implications that you are still slightly in denial.
People keep giving you places you can go to get help and although you have replied to a lot of posters you haven't actually said wether you are going to get help or not.
I know it is scary to take those first steps and replace your comfort blanket (the food) start small. Maybe replace on of those McDonald's breakfasts with a different healthier option once a week (is there a subway or something like that near you?) and contact your GP. Do NOT give up all of them at once or you may end up going on a massive binge which is worse. As I said start small but the important thing is to call your GP and start getting help as it does sound like an addiction to food.
Good luck OP, you can get through this.

@Paq This occurred to me as well. It is a really informative forensic overview of all aspects of UPF. One quote is extremely relevant “These foods have been carefully ENGINEERED to make you WANT to eat them in large quantities” (my caps) I am following with interest as my brother has a similar addiction - and it is addiction.
@jadeyxox A big feature of the compulsion to eat UPF aka junk food by the twin trying to change his habits (obese, with heart condition) is the shame he feels. My feeling is you shouldn’t go to even further lengths to cover up what you seem to feel shame about already, but maybe look for help with ways to cut down / choose healthier options ? Have a future goal to help you cut down ?

Hi everyone,

On my lunch so replying quickly, but in reference to the above - I don’t think I am skirting around the fact that my weight is a problem. Ok it was a specific question about spending habits but that comes from the fact I accept that my eating and my weight is a problem.

I do appreciate all the advice and suggestions people have given of where to get help. It’s not the case that I just ignore my weight. I’ve lost weight before with Slimming World and other diets, and I do still try. I know everyone means well but its a big step thinking about some of the things being suggested. I know that probably sounds like an excuse but it takes time to process. I know I need to address it with DH first and just that feels scary.

I’ll catch up again later xx