Asking 16 yr old for ‘rent’

[Scaredypup]

My dd is 16, 17 in September and finishes school this month. Well, I say finishing school, but she has only attended twice through the whole of year 11.
She suffers with mental health quite badly but the last 12-18 months she has given me hell. She stopped coming home, I never knew where she was, she was doing drugs and disrespecting me and the home in every way possible. I had heavy social services and police involvement. She’s extremely rude to me at times. We don’t really have a relationship anymore.

Shes settled a little now, has a weekend job, ‘only’ smokes weed now. Barely comes home still but I know where she is. But she treats home like a drop in centre and I find it so disrespectful.

She’s not going to college, she has no plans. She’s going to go full time at her weekend job and will be earning more money than me as a single Mum with a another young child. Is it fair that I charge her maybe £30 a week ‘rent?’ The way I see it is if she doesn’t want to stay at school and wants to be an adult then she needs to get used to the real world. She has no outgoings, all her money goes on takeaways and weed. Her answer is she’s barely here. But she comes here sometimes at midnight to sleep, or in the day to use the bath and do some washing. It’s basically a base or somewhere to go when she can’t stay at her boyfriends.

Absolutely charge her rent, if she can afford weed and is using your house like a hotel, then I definitely would.

she might realise her priorities (one way or another), but it’s not fair for her to treat you or your home like this.

it sounds hard for you, I hope you’re ok 💐

16 is a difficult age, things should improve with time.

I thought they had to be in education until 18?

Personally, I think 16/17 is very young to be charging rent/board. Especially if she’s ‘hardly’ there. It does sound like you’re just wanting money from her. It would be different if she spent every waking hour at home, using the electricity and gas everyday.

Going into full time work so young might be a bit of a shock to the system for her. Given that she has mental health issues. Is she under CAMHS?

Have you spoken to her about how she treats the home with disrespect? And I don’t mean in a nagging way, but a chilled sit down conversation where you can both agree and compromise.

Having drugs, SS and police involvement does sound very tough so I do sympathise with you that you must be at the end of your tether. If she starts and sticks to full time work, then absolutely charge her what rents you deem appropriate.

Full time education or real rent, not token rent. It’s not about the money, it’s about helping teens understand the life choices they are making. If she has a full time income and no responsibilities she will have no idea what budgeting is really like. She also needs to start covering her own expenses.

you don’t have to spend all her rent and you really shouldn’t. Since she obviously needs help, I might use some of it to help her get into privately funded therapy and if there is anything left, put it into savings.

Ummm.....she will still need to be doing some type of formal learning/working towards a qualification (ideally related to her job). However, whether the local authority have the resources to enforce this is a different matter!

If she is working full time, asking for a co tribute on towards household expenses is a reasonable ask. But, rather than a fixed amount it might be better to set a percentage (eg 10%, 15% etc of hee take home pay). This way you don't have the situation whereby she is earning more but still only paying £30 a week - her contribution rises in line with her earnings.

If you get any help with rent contact the council to see how her working FT may impact your entitlement (same if you're getting UC.....let DWP know).

My initial reaction was 16 is too young... however reading it all i think you would be very reasonable to charge her rent. She's working full time earning money. And if she pleads that its just sooooooo unfair i would say that as long as there is weed money, there is rent money

I guess it depends what your endgame is.

That she'll quit her job and go to school and finish her education?

That she'll learn to be an adult, respect you and pay her way?
That she'll move in with the bf and sofa surf the days she can't?

I wonder where she considers "home" then. Her actions using your home as a "drop in centre" makes me think she doesn't feel at home there. That doesn't mean it's your fault though. She's still young and it's true she has yet to learn of the real world. I hope she can find her way.

As for charging "rent", I'd worry it would make her feel less welcomed but I understand the lesson you want to teach. If you do charge make sure she understands why.

YANBU to feel aggrieved and want rent. However I think ywbu to ask right now. I’d wait a while first though. See how things pan out. You don’t want to alienate her more. Whatever the issue between you, you are still her mum and despite how she is acting now, she is a child and still needs a parent / parenting.

@Comedycook They are. But nobody enforces it, but my child benefit and other support I get stops. She is legally allowed to work 40 hours a week from tbe end of this month.

@FlissyPaps Snes worked full time hours in the holidays. She enjoys it so I think she’ll be fine. She wants the money. Yes, Partly it’s due to wanting the money as I’m honestly on the verge of calling social services and saying she can’t live here anymore because of what she’s doing. I feel like she should pay for using the facilities. If she was here full time and part of the family I probably wouldn’t even consider charging her but the fact she’s being so disrespectful makes me feel different. For example, last night she came home and woke me up at 1am. She’ll sleep until afternoon, maybe use the bathroom, leave it in a mess then I probably won’t see her for another few days. If she can afford to spend £100 a week on weed she can afford to pay a bit of rent.

@MisguidedSheep They don’t enforce it. She hasn’t been to school for a year. They definitely won’t enforce it at 16. How could they? Yes I get Uc and I’ll be losing more than £300pm with child benefit too.

@SleepingStandingUp Any of those tbh

If she’s choosing to not be in education then she should at least give you the equivalent of the child benefit you would have got.

We’re having this same scenario here atm. My Ds turned 16 a couple of months ago and pretty much left school. He started working ( has agreed to go back and do his exams) and no, nothing happens if they’re not in education , as long as they are ‘doing something’. We checked with the social worker! I think we Will charge him rent , probably a bit more than £30 a week though.
I will say that since he left school and started working he has been 100% better. His behaviour and attitude has improved dramatically , he takes a great deal more personal responsibility and is just much more pleasant to be around . I hope you see some improvement also. It’s very difficult and unless you’ve had your teen squaring up to you on a daily basis and refusing to do-operate with anything at all without destroying you or your house , it’s hard for other people to understand your position . 💐

@Scaredypup so you’re happy for her to live there if she pays you the equivalent of the child benefit you’ll stop getting for her, but if she doesn’t then you’re going to call social services to have her removed?

from everything you’ve said, she is clearly struggling and needs some support. She obviously doesn’t have that with you as you’ve said yourself you don’t have a relationship with her and now, to this girl who probably feels like she has nobody and nowhere, you’re going to charge her rent.

I personally feel you’re completely unreasonable.

Wales doesn't have any rules about staying in education until 18. I dont think op said where she lives.

I think rent is reasonable if working and not studying- any child benefits or tax credit stops when they leave education to work, presumably because the government assumes the child is contributing themselves. If she's coming home for baths and washing she's still costing op money and she needs to start living in the real world.

I'd fully expect her to be paying rent. I started working at 18 on £77 per week. Paid my own train fares and about £25 a week rent.

I think you should charge her a bit more than £30. Even if it means you put some into savings to help when she eventually moves out.

It sounds like your relationship is quite strained, do you think asking her to pay rent will help or make that worse? If she doesn't cine and stay often, this might push her to never staying. I would be a bit cautious.

@Louise0701 No, calling the social worker would happen with or without rent if it gets to that point. I can’t live like this any longer.
she’s had all the support in the world, it makes no difference. Until she’s ready to take some responsibility for herself and her actions, I’ve had to take a step back. I can’t continue to be abused in my own home. She basically has full control and there’s no consequences for anything she does. She’s had a social worker, youth worker, CAMHS. She doesn’t engage at all. What is anybody supposed to do?

As people have said, she needs to start living in tbe real world, as that’s what she has chosen to do. I’m hoping it will sort her out. She’s currently earning about £300 a fortnight and it’s usually gone within 2-3 days with nothing to show.
At the end of the month she’ll be earning roughly £1500pm. There’s a chance she’ll spiral more into drugs with that amount of money. Now obviously £30 a week rent won’t prevent that but she can more than afford it and needs to be doing something with her money other than wasting it.

@Scaredypup of course £150 per week goes with nothing to show for it. It’s a pittance!!!

I think charging her rent while she is barely there will push her further away. Perhaps that's what you want though? Rather than her treating your home as a drop in?

@DockOTheBay honestly I don’t think it can get much worse. I’ve explained my reasonings to her and I think she gets it, but she will think it’s unfair and I’m sure it will make it feel less like home. But she doesn’t treat it like home in any way shape or form anyway.

I don't think you can penalise her for choosing to work which results in you losing child benefit. UC and child benefit are to cover her food, clothing etc. It sounds like she is spending most of her time with boyfriend. So surely any 'rent' should go to the family hone where she spends most of her time.

Are you currently spending money on her food, mobile phone, bus pass?

Really you should be giving some of the UC you receive to boyfriend's family to pay towards her keep.

Based on how little time she is home I think YABU. If you try to charge her I doubt you will see her at all.

If your DD were actually living with you and were mentally stable, I’d agree with charging her a bit of rent.

But from your updates, your DD isn’t living with you. You say she comes in during the wee hours of the night, sleeps, uses the bathroom and leaves the next morning and then you don’t see her at all for another few days. You can’t charge rent for visits, and she’s not affecting your household bills with a fly by night visit twice a week at most.

And I don’t understand why you are upset and calling it “disrespectful” of her. She obviously doesn’t feel welcome at all. You resent her being there for even a few hours to crash every several days. I think charging her rent will cause her to cut all ties with you- which may sadly be what you want as you don’t seem to like her very much. Poor kid. But anyway, bottom line is she doesn’t live with you and so I think zero rent is owed.

Shes also mentally unstable and using drugs. The focus should be in supporting her and encouraging her with her FT job. Yes, she will have money but try and teach her about how to save. She probably does not yet have the resilience to deal with a demand for rent money just to crash for a few hours at what should be her home 2x a week at most.

Whilst I can understand that you would like the money, I think if you try to charge her rent, she just won't come home. She's obviously got somewhere else to stay.