Asking 16 yr old for ‘rent’

[Scaredypup]

My dd is 16, 17 in September and finishes school this month. Well, I say finishing school, but she has only attended twice through the whole of year 11.
She suffers with mental health quite badly but the last 12-18 months she has given me hell. She stopped coming home, I never knew where she was, she was doing drugs and disrespecting me and the home in every way possible. I had heavy social services and police involvement. She’s extremely rude to me at times. We don’t really have a relationship anymore.

Shes settled a little now, has a weekend job, ‘only’ smokes weed now. Barely comes home still but I know where she is. But she treats home like a drop in centre and I find it so disrespectful.

She’s not going to college, she has no plans. She’s going to go full time at her weekend job and will be earning more money than me as a single Mum with a another young child. Is it fair that I charge her maybe £30 a week ‘rent?’ The way I see it is if she doesn’t want to stay at school and wants to be an adult then she needs to get used to the real world. She has no outgoings, all her money goes on takeaways and weed. Her answer is she’s barely here. But she comes here sometimes at midnight to sleep, or in the day to use the bath and do some washing. It’s basically a base or somewhere to go when she can’t stay at her boyfriends.

@Scaredypup oh OP - I feel your pain! DD15, in midst of exams, bright but huge school refuser following lockdowns and then a housefire - coming out the other end now (slowly slowly) but so rude, so aggressive, so defiant, little engagement with CAMHS - I am a single Mum - older 2 have been buggers but great now - I am on a low income, work long hours, have jumped through many hoops - Police, SS, sectioning, Prison - one is now a straight A law student and one fresh out of prison and sober 🙏🙏 Some other parents just don’t get how bloody hard it is do they? Yes, you should charge her something if she is at work - my rule of thumb is contributions towards their food, bills if they are here regularly (cost of living etc) and save as much as they can - this seems to work well - I totally sympathise with you having come to the end of your tether - in our situation you get to a point where enough is enough and you adore them BUT there is a limit - you will continue to love and support them but they have to start taking responsibility - totally different story of course if you have more time, money and support 🌸🌸🌸🌸

@veggiesupreme Yes it was a year ago. I didn’t say the boy had a knife at the time.
you said ‘gang members in your home armed with knives” which was an exaggeration of what I said.
As I’ve said, she won’t engage with CAMHS or drugs workshops. She doesn’t want to stop. You can’t force someone.
As I’ve also said she can’t move to her boyfriends. She’s not allowed there when he’s mums home.

“Or you could try and reconnect with her and tell her how much you care about her, and would she think about coming home for a while in the week so you can spend some time with ehr”.
Seriously.. do you think I haven’t been doing that for the last 18 months. You think it’s that easy?
Oh and not that it matters but she’s earning above the adult minimum wage.

@Chicca1970 You
myst be so pleased your older ones have come out the other side. You’re not the first person to tell such a story so I have some hope. Most people can’t begin to imagine what’s it’s like and think it’s as easy as being firm with them and have this idea that as a parent you should just forgive them anything. We’re human too. My mental health has suffered massively. Her Camhs worker last year couldn’t believe how well I was coping when things were really really bad and said I was probably just running off adrenaline and would crash when things calmed a little. I think that’s happened.

Okay, if you are sure that she won't move out that makes things easier.

Op, some of the replies on here have very fucking clearly never had to deal with a difficult teenager. You have my utmost sympathy.
it will get better.
yanbu. Charging her rent will make her consider her choices. She wants to be a big girl, she acts like one, warts and all.

This.

some of the responses on here are just crazy. If she wants to work full time and still have access to food ,hot water etc… then she needs to pay her way. She obviously thinks she’s an adult and can look after herself so she can pay her way like anyone else that works has too.

Working full time may actually be the making of her, some teens just don’t belong in education after 16, at least she’s willing to work and enjoys working. Hopefully once working full time she will have less time to be doing drugs and staying out late.

iI would be supportive of her choice to work but also make her pay rent.

@Scaredypup yes, my Family Support Worker and work colleagues have said similar - how are you still standing etc etc … 🙏😂 I think one of the big positives that stands out in your posts is that she works!!! This is brilliant - neither of my older two worked at that age - DS24 was selling skunk, doing loads of acid and hanging around with a bunch of nutters and DD20 had run away and was living with (vile) best mate while I smiled through gritted teeth - the patience you need to cope with the constant emotional merry-go-round and fallout from these crazy situations knows no bounds - I have been pushed so far to the edge by the intense 24/7 care, empathy and bloody grit needed to deal with it all - a useless ex that compounds the situations and never took responsibility and the judgement and bullshit from others who have NO CLUE - and also gained from the helpful chats with friends and colleagues but ultimately you are on your own and I completely understand how you feel - please make sure (this is going to sound simplistic but it helps) that you eat right and spend time doing stuff you like that doesn’t involve booze/drugs - sounds silly but I have an amazing house rabbit and I go out in nature a lot - this kept me sane! No, she works, that’s excellent - 16 is so so young OP - I cannot believe my middle daughter is the person she is now after the demon she was Xxxxx

I somewhat agree but then she can’t come here to bath, wash her clothes, generally leave the place in a mess, come home at 1am ect. She’ll literally turn up some morning, do all of these things and then immediately leave again. It’s taking the piss.

I agree - BUT I think many people on here would complain about their teens in the same way..Teens are sometimes a nightmare & it's just something they snap out of.

Where is her Dad in all of this?

Also she's going to be earning loads so YANBU to ask for something. If you can encourage her to save then she could have enough to move our properly.

Perfectly reasonable. I paid a small board and lodging out of my YTS money between the ages of 16 and 18 at which point I moved in with my boyfriend and we had to pay all the rent and bills 😯

I'd also probably be banning the weed and setting some other basic house rules but you might not think that appropriate or useful to do in the specific context if you think it would make matters worse which would be fair enough.

You sound like a family in crisis, and have been for some time, and I am so sorry it has been so hard for you. I hope your dd finds her way out of the morass and moves on to better things (and better people) I don't think I can add much more that will of any use, stick with it op, all things pass.

I assume you’re on some level of benefits. You should check if her working affects your claim.
Personally, I’d charge more in the hope she moves out.
It’s not working for either of you and something needs to change.

To the few people that said I was unreasonable. She got paid £450 (gets paid for nightly) and that money was gone in a little over 24 hours. She hasn’t got one thing to show for it. This is partly what I mean about her needing to learn some responsibility. She needed to buy work clothes in primark, couldn’t even do that.