Asking 16 yr old for ‘rent’

[Scaredypup]

My dd is 16, 17 in September and finishes school this month. Well, I say finishing school, but she has only attended twice through the whole of year 11.
She suffers with mental health quite badly but the last 12-18 months she has given me hell. She stopped coming home, I never knew where she was, she was doing drugs and disrespecting me and the home in every way possible. I had heavy social services and police involvement. She’s extremely rude to me at times. We don’t really have a relationship anymore.

Shes settled a little now, has a weekend job, ‘only’ smokes weed now. Barely comes home still but I know where she is. But she treats home like a drop in centre and I find it so disrespectful.

She’s not going to college, she has no plans. She’s going to go full time at her weekend job and will be earning more money than me as a single Mum with a another young child. Is it fair that I charge her maybe £30 a week ‘rent?’ The way I see it is if she doesn’t want to stay at school and wants to be an adult then she needs to get used to the real world. She has no outgoings, all her money goes on takeaways and weed. Her answer is she’s barely here. But she comes here sometimes at midnight to sleep, or in the day to use the bath and do some washing. It’s basically a base or somewhere to go when she can’t stay at her boyfriends.

Are you actually trying to make sure she never comes back OP? If so, charging her for sleeping in your house a couple of times a week and using the shower will probably do the job.

@Louise0701 of course £150 per week goes with nothing to show for it. It’s a pittance!!!
Not at 16 it isn’t! With no outgoings. She gets it for nightly. So £300 gone in 2-3 days. All on deliveroo, cigarettes and weed. She doesn’t go out with friends or do anything with it.

If she has all these problems, is she able to hold down a full time job?.

The only thing you're BU is the level of rent.

Full rent. She doesn't want to pay it she can go play at being a grown up on her own dime.

You'll do her no favours by letting her off. You want to play big girls games, you play by big girls rules.

If you can afford to do so, you could always put some of the rent aside for her as a form of savings.

@converseandjeans I somewhat agree but then she can’t come here to bath, wash her clothes, generally leave the place in a mess, come home at 1am ect. She’ll literally turn up some morning, do all of these things and then immediately leave again. It’s taking the piss.

I started work at 16 and paid rent....old enough to work..old enough to pay rent.

The boyfriends Mum is never home. She doesn’t cost them anything. She doesn’t bath or cook or anything there.

i don’t see how anyone thinks the way she uses my home isn’t disrespectful? Waking me up at 1am when I have to get up for work? Trashing the place? Only coming back here to use the facilities?

Shes put me through hell. So yes, I have given up and had enough. I dread her coming home. I have a child with SEN to consider and it’s detrimental to him when she’s here shouting and swearing.

It seems that she is already "living in the real world" to a greater extent than most 16 year olds. How will charging her 30 pounds a week “sort her out?” You obviously just want the money or her to leave which is understandable to some extent, but at least be honest about it and stop pretending you are trying to do her a favour.

£1500 per month and you only want to charge her £120 don't be daft.

Who on earth gets to have 90% of their earnings as fun money / spare cash?
I'd be charging her £500 per month at least. And even at that she should be encouraged to save some of the rest for her house deposit when she eventually decides to move out.

I don’t see it as taking the piss. It’s normal for DC that are trying out independence to come and go. Many DC (especially those with mental or learning impairments) need that interim phase of dropping by every few days as they transition to living fully independently. I really feel sorry for this girl that you are viewing perfectly normal teen behaviour as “taking the piss”.

The real world is very different to a policy announcement in a newspaper.

@carefullycourageous yes I'm aware of that...I was just wondering if it means the op will end up facing some sort of penalty?

If she's working full time and living at home she pays rent.

She's going into the adult world of working so she pays her way like an adult.

I'd be charging more than £30 a week.

I've heard people put money in savings from rent (so use what is needed to pay he way and save some) before so that could always be an option so when she's moved on from her current difficulties she has a bigger to help her financially move on too.

@Discovereads Being abusive to your family, dropping out of school and doing drugs every day is not normal teenage behaviour.

Thanks for all the responses. It seems I am not being unreasonable to ask for a small contribution so I will do so whilst hoping things one day get better.

I think that some posters have no idea what it is like, to watch your teenager ruin their lives, by missing their education and getting involved with drug culture, even if it is 'only pot', it sounds like OP has done everything she can, but it is like trying to save them from drowning, while they are not only being pulled by the tide, but are actively swimming in the wrong direction. I don't know what the answer is, asking for rent is not the OP being avaricious, she is trying to get her daughter to take some sort of adult responsibility for her own life, and showing her that you cannot hold down a job without keeping yourself and your clothes clean, and feed yourself, and that she will need to pay for that in some way.
If OP was not struggling financially herself, she could set her daughter up in a flat, then let her daughter keep herself and pay rent to a landlord, and be there to help when it all falls apart, or her daughter learns to budget and lives happily ever after. However those who say she should save the £30 and use it to pay for counselling, as well as pay for the electricity and washing powder etc her daughter uses, are living in a dreamworld.
It is not just the financial pressure either, the stress is almost unbearable, just reading about this has brought me to tears
Q

In theory CB could be stopped. LA would have to engage.

In your circumstances op, l would charge her more and lay out the costs of her portion of home bills and explain that if she is not in full time education she must pay a proportion of the running costs of her home (however she treats it)

Lay it out calmly and let her decide, she has decided she knows better than you and wants to work so let her see the real working world including responsibilities

You said she has very bad mental health. That causes the above and she needs support not condemnation. I never said those aspects were normal behaviour.

In my post I said that “normal teenage behaviour” is the coming and going between home and where they live as an interim phase on the path to independence. The sleeping over, showering, washing clothes one night/morning and then gone for several days- that’s perfectly normal but you are calling it disrespectful and taking the piss.

Sounds a bit like the rent will push her away and that's kind of what you want. Do you want her to live with you? Tbh the rent sounds like least of your worries.

I'd charge her rent if she wasn't in full time education. My 18 year old wanted to leave her a levels this time last year, and it was made very clear I expected her to work full time and pay rent. She decided to stay and has pushed through and is expected good grades. But the reality once I laid it out to her wasn't as attractive when she realised her free life was coming to an end

I don't think you have to know what it is like “to watch your teenager ruin their lives, by missing their education and getting involved with drug culture” and if you do it doesn't mean you are best person to advise OP on what will improve things. It's pretty obvious charging rent to someone who's hardly ever there is not going to teach responsibility. She will either never go home or if she does her behaviour will probably be even worse if she thinks she's paying to treat the house like a hotel.

My mum charged me rent at 16 (when I was still in full time education and working weekends). I was the only person I knew who was paying rent at 16 and it really used to upset me.

I would say though that since she will be working only and no further education that it would be ok to charge a little rent. Ot maybe you could ask her to contribute to the food shop weekly?

Whilst I can understand that you would like the money, I think if you try to charge her rent, she just won't come home. She's obviously got somewhere else to stay

this. I suspect you ask for rent she’ll simply stop coming back.

We don’t really have a relationship anymore

Rather than thinking about charging her rent - surely you should be building your relationship with her op? She is still a child and in your care until she is eighteen years old, and although I appreciate you haven't had an easy time of it lately it does sound like she has turned a corner.

I would be supporting her 100% to get back into education, failing that a well paid apprenticeship so she can train and have a proper career. In lieu of rent I would open a savings account instead.

Recognising her achievement of kicking drugs and getting herself together - I would be moving heaven and earth now to try and keep her safe, at home, into a steady job with lots of love and support. It is not easy being a teenager and it doesn't sound like it has been fun for her either. She is still incredibly young and needs your support, whether she will admit or not.