Asking 16 yr old for ‘rent’

[Scaredypup]

My dd is 16, 17 in September and finishes school this month. Well, I say finishing school, but she has only attended twice through the whole of year 11.
She suffers with mental health quite badly but the last 12-18 months she has given me hell. She stopped coming home, I never knew where she was, she was doing drugs and disrespecting me and the home in every way possible. I had heavy social services and police involvement. She’s extremely rude to me at times. We don’t really have a relationship anymore.

Shes settled a little now, has a weekend job, ‘only’ smokes weed now. Barely comes home still but I know where she is. But she treats home like a drop in centre and I find it so disrespectful.

She’s not going to college, she has no plans. She’s going to go full time at her weekend job and will be earning more money than me as a single Mum with a another young child. Is it fair that I charge her maybe £30 a week ‘rent?’ The way I see it is if she doesn’t want to stay at school and wants to be an adult then she needs to get used to the real world. She has no outgoings, all her money goes on takeaways and weed. Her answer is she’s barely here. But she comes here sometimes at midnight to sleep, or in the day to use the bath and do some washing. It’s basically a base or somewhere to go when she can’t stay at her boyfriends.

Of course it's not normal teenage behaviour. @Discovereads is an idiot with zero life experience judging by the comments made to you.

Teenagers can be utterly appalling and yours is treating you like an absolute mug, zero respect for you or your house and it's time to get serious.

Charge her the rent. Tell her that unless the rent is paid on time each week then she doesn't get to use the facilities.

YANBU at all but sounds like what you want (and deserve) OP is respect, not rent.

She's using weed as escapism, all it'll do is damage her MH and completely destroy her relationship with you and also her ability to hold down a job. Nothing wrong with ft work at 16 but because she's so busy escaping and not dealing with her issues, she probably hasn't considered her options properly. Because she's still a rebellious teen she won't listen to you either. But she's crossing boundaries and has to be reined in, I think you're right to be worried about what she'd spend a ft wage on.

Iiwu I'd lay it on the line: tell her you're concerned for her and upset, she's affecting other family members etc. Ask her if she'll come to counselling or therapy with you to address her weed habit and communication issues, or at least talk about things and address the problem. If she refuses and carries on trashing your boundaries, then rent it is.

You should definitely charge her. If she wants to live like an adult and do adult things then she pays her way like an adult. There is no way I would be allowing her to keep all her wages to blow it on drugs.

Can’t advise on the rent as ours left home at 16. Otherwise, you could be me, several years ago.

fast forward, ten years on she is the most wonderful young woman and we couldn’t be more proud. She did most of it herself and I hope yours does, too. Working full time in itself will change her outlook. X

I think you need to put your big girl pants on and be tougher with her.
for a start she’s still legally a child and has to be in full time education/training until she’s 18.
the only job she can do is an apprenticeship based one.
that is the law in 2022 and a Breach of it could see YOU in court.
i have a 16 year old who is tough but I would sooner get beaten to a pulp by her trying to keep her in line then allow her to swan about like your daughter is.
I know it’s tough but you need to take more control of her life, because she sounds like she needs it!.

If she wants to live like an adult and do adult things then she pays her way like an adult

But the key point is that she is NOT an adult, and nowhere near the point of adult maturity, as parents it is our responsibility to care for our children until they are old enough and responsible enough to navigate the world themselves with a degree of competence.

There is no way I would be allowing her to keep all her wages to blow it on drugs

Did you miss the part where op said she has actually stopped taking drugs

Her answer is she’s barely here. But she comes here sometimes at midnight to sleep, or in the day to use the bath and do some washing. It’s basically a base or somewhere to go when she can’t stay at her boyfriends.

Sounds like you'd be charging her for B&B, rather than rent.

I think by charging her "rent" you risk driving her away. She clearly needs to return home for some security now and then, not to pay rent for somewhere she doesn't actually live. She's very young, she seems to need support, frustrating though she can be.

Do you know why your DD has MH issues?

@woody87
Discovereads is an idiot with zero life experience judging by the comments made to you.

No need to be so rude. I have two adult DC and two teenage DC. One of which has poor mental health & diagnosed PTSD and GAD due to having been raped as a teen. What makes you so much more qualified than I to know the OPs DD is “treating her like a mug”? Have you ever had a teen DD under care of CAMHS due to poor mental health?

I always feel so sad for the poor teens with so little support at such a difficult age with the world as it is. Parents completely giving up on them without any awareness of their own contribution to the child's problems.

Very sensible advice.

I had my children, take on one of the household bills .. one did the sky bill and the other took over the mobile phones .. worked well

Wise words from @Swayingpalmtrees .

You can charge her whatever you like but there's no way she'll give you a penny.

Putting the rent to one side, are you not devastated to lose your relationship with your child?

My first thoughts would not be how much to charge her for using the shower and popping in every now and then, but questioning where the hell I have gone wrong, closely followed by what can I do to make this better for her and how I can fix things between us before she leaves my life forever without a backward glance.

What happened to her op?

I think I would consider telling a social worker that her continuing to live at home and rule the roost isn't working. Being supportive doesn't seem to have done her any good. If anything from what you have said she is getting even more selfish.

I agree. My heart breaks for that poor child.

Your dd needs help and support and you want to charge her for the minimal time she spends with you?

I’m sure things have been tough but she’s your dd and you couldn’t care less whether or not you have a relationship? Is there no concern over her drug use or mental health issues? It just seems as though you either want her to compensate you for the benefits you will lose (which isn’t and should never be the concern of a 16 year old child) or you simply want rid of her.

Just highlighting what Sarah has said

She cannot work a full time job at 16 UNLESS she is also doing training

"Young people can start full-time employment as soon as they leave school, which is on the last Friday in June of the year that they turn 16 years old. Please note that there is now a requirement for young people to continue to participate in education and training up until the age of 18. If a young person starts a full time job at 16 they will still need to complete at least 280 guided learning hours a year in education or training"

From Childlaw Advice

So whoever she is working for has to facilitate training. And yes you should charge her rent if she is still using things at home. It is part of growing up.

It's not really "part of growing up" to pay rent while living at home. Many people don't and they still grow up perfectly successfully.

Regarding the training I doubt that anybody checks.

@Swayingpalmtrees She has no interest in any education or apprenticeships. She hasn’t kicked drugs. She smokes a lot of weed every day and occasionally has blow outs where she’ll do other things.

To tbe people saying she needs support, she’s had so much. She’s not depressed anymore, she was taken off her medication because she was also self medicating. She refuses to go fo CAMHS now anyway. I’ve done everything I possibly can. But she has bought a gang member/ drug dealer into my home. We live in London so when I say gang member, I’m talking knives ect. Even though she’s not mixed up in that world as such, she buys weed off these types of people.

i would much rather she be at home but she isn’t, not in any real sense of the word.

@Discovereads Maybe I haven’t explained it very well. But believe me, it’s taking the piss. My parents who were so close to her agree as does everyone else around us. Including professionals. This has been going on since she was 14/15.

Charge the rent but that isn't the real issue.

It sounds like she has done an amazing job to stop taking the majority of drugs and she is motivated to work even if she isn't good with money.

I have no idea the path she has gone down to get to this point but i am guessing many things have gone wrong and you will be at least partially responsible for some of her behaviour. You talk about the effect these behaviours have on you but the damage has and is being done to her and her future. She has been a child living a very dysfunctional, unstructured life. I hope you can work on your relationship and she can get some support to come to terms with what has happened to her.

@FoiledByTheInsect ypu have summarised it perfectly.

@Sarah3587 Tjere is no way of taking control. She stopped listening a long time ago and there is nothing I can do in terms of consequences that I havent already
done. Eg, I stopped giving her money, so she got a job.

@CharSiu Id say it’s rare that anyone can pinpoint why somebody has mental health issues. She suffered with depression, she’s apparently better now according to CAMHS.
her Dad abandoning her may be part of it.

@veggiesupreme she has had more people supporting her than you can possibly imagine. At this point, no, I’m not concerned about our relationship. I’ve had to detach for my own sanity. When she is ready I’ll be there. But I have to support my other child and go to work. I lost my job due to her behaviour.

of course I care about her drug use but almost 2 years in I’ve had to accept she’s not ready to stop.

she absolutely can work full time at 16 too.

So let me get this right

Your child of 16 is now involved in a London gang, a dangerous one that have weapons, and no doubt they have been responsible for giving her drugs.

She has been taking drugs and her behaviour has reflected that in the last 12-18 months, so much so that the social services and police have been 'heavily' involved.

You have no idea where she sleeps at night, what is happening to her, she could be trafficked across London and you wouldn't have the faintest idea

She has dropped out of school

And you have come on here to talk about RENT??????

I can't believe what I am reading. And you have decided this is the moment you will give up on her! She could be dead within a year with that lifestyle. Goodness only knows what is happening to her op and all you care about is how much you can charge her now she has dropped out of school.

I am lost for words.

If she were my dd, we would be on the first train out of London, staying with relatives, I would be cleaning her up and enrolling her in the nearest sixth form. You have to intervene op. She is in grave danger.

Of course, if you’re working you pay your keep! Especially if she’s going to be earning more than you, she should absolutely be contributing to household costs.