Asking 16 yr old for ‘rent’

[Scaredypup]

My dd is 16, 17 in September and finishes school this month. Well, I say finishing school, but she has only attended twice through the whole of year 11.
She suffers with mental health quite badly but the last 12-18 months she has given me hell. She stopped coming home, I never knew where she was, she was doing drugs and disrespecting me and the home in every way possible. I had heavy social services and police involvement. She’s extremely rude to me at times. We don’t really have a relationship anymore.

Shes settled a little now, has a weekend job, ‘only’ smokes weed now. Barely comes home still but I know where she is. But she treats home like a drop in centre and I find it so disrespectful.

She’s not going to college, she has no plans. She’s going to go full time at her weekend job and will be earning more money than me as a single Mum with a another young child. Is it fair that I charge her maybe £30 a week ‘rent?’ The way I see it is if she doesn’t want to stay at school and wants to be an adult then she needs to get used to the real world. She has no outgoings, all her money goes on takeaways and weed. Her answer is she’s barely here. But she comes here sometimes at midnight to sleep, or in the day to use the bath and do some washing. It’s basically a base or somewhere to go when she can’t stay at her boyfriends.

Sounds like she has major problems but I don't think rent's gonna help. Do you honestly expect she'd pay it given your current relationship?

flippanty

Have you actually read the thread?

The child is involved with a dangerous London gang dealing drugs and is no longer sleeping at home, in fact op doesn't know where her child is, I think more is needed than paying a bit of 'keep' don't you?

My son left school at 16. They don’t have to be in education till 18, I would definitely charge rent

So how will charging her rent help and how are you going to make it her pay it anyway? It's clear the aim is actually just to get her to move out. At least be honest about it rather than suggesting this is to teach her a sense of responsibility or any other life lesson. It won't.

Yes you should charge her, she will contributing to her share. If she were to live in a shared house it would be a hell of a lot more. £30/40 pw is reasonable. Fwiw my son was at college and working I didn’t charge him rent. When he left and child related benefits ended he contributed the household pot here or not. I charged him less than child benefit and tax credits amount though, as he would be expected to buy his own personal use items. Obviously my situation is different but she is taking the piss.

Some kids really stand no chance at all, that is the single thing I have learnt most from threads like this. Disadvantaged is the understatement of the year.

A parallel universe.

Personally, I wouldn’t - yet. It’ll just be another thing to argue over especially when she doesn’t pay it.

I would be hoping that work will help things. I would praise her for getting and keeping a job. Be proud of her for that. Full time education isn’t for everyone and if she’s got herself a job then she’s done well. If she keeps it, even better. If they can train her or add an educational element to it at some point, better still.

@veggiesupreme shes not involved in a London gang but she sometimes buys weed from people that are.
I know where she sleeps every night, at her boyfriends. He’s not a bad kid but also smokes weed every day, dropped out of school and doesn’t work. He comes from a dysfunctional family and had a very different upbringing from my DD who had a good life.

social services are no longer involved as she’s not at risk anymore. This time last year at 14/15 I never knew where she was and was reporting her missing almost daily and searching the streets for her.

right now my main issue with her is her lack of respect for herself and the people around her. She is choosing to fuck up her future but she’s 18 next year so she’s essentially making her bed. There’s not much anyone can do about that. All the support in the world can’t force her to make better choices. Believe me we’ve tried.

When I started my first full time job at 17 I was expected to pay rent. Not compulsory to stay in education then.
I earned approx 800 a month & had to pay 100 a month rent. This included food etc but if I wanted treats/takeaway I bought my own.
IMO it's irrelevant whether or not she choses to 'live' at home. If she was renting a flat/house & chose not to sleep there much she'd still have to pay rent.

@veggiesupreme you are very lucky that you have relatives out of London that would do that for your child. I do not.

Im not concerned for her safety at this point. After experiencing what I experienced with her last year, she is very safe now in comparison. Her boyfriend lives walking distance from home. It’s her life choices that are the issue.

I think if she's already home so little you risk pushing her put of the door completely with a move like this and then you won't be around to help her when she hits the wall with a life that could swamp her without a keystone like you in her life.

@veggiesupreme Stop talking nonsense. I never said she’s involved with a dangerous London gang and I don’t know where she is. In fact, in that post I stated she’s not involved.

Also. What on Earth would be the point in enrolling her in a sixth form? Do you think she would go? She also won’t have any GCSE’s.

Youre right about one thing, it is indeed a parallel universe and people like you are part of the problem.

As you can see, your opinion here is the minority. Also does good to remember you know next to nothing apart from a few snippets.

@dianthus101 It’s not about making her move our. She can’t. She has nowhere to go. She’s not actually allowed to stay at her boyfriends so only does when his mum isn’t there. She couldn’t live there. She’s too young to get a place of her own, and we’re in London, it’s impossible.
In am ideal workd I wish there was a family member she could stay with for a bit. But as it is, she needs to be here and I think she should pay her way given how she treats us.

Does she still have some of her stuff at home? If so I'd charge her a "storage fee".

No extra comments. Just feel like you need these 💐

@PhoneyM Thank you. It’s really not easy, and it’s nice to know some people might understand.

Wow this sounds really really hard.

Can I ask what you think is behind the behaviour? Do you think of things had happened differently when she was younger it would have made a difference? Did she fall in with the wrong people?

YANBU - if she is out of full time education then she should be an adult and pay her way. She may decide to move out instead so you have to be ready for that

@Tigofigo I think she really struggled with her Dad leaving when she was young, then bottled it up for years. She then had a boyfriend for a year and a half at the age of 12 who was her best friend and when they split she just went off the rails.

You said you had a drug dealer recently in your house with a knife, and he was part of a gang. Look I am not being difficult and I am trying to support you op, but it is hard to imagine she is 'safe' now living with her boyfriend in his dysfunctional house with dealers in her house that are armed with knives.

It is not safe for you, your other children or her.
Does she have grandparents or aunties and uncles that can step in? Help out, look after her for a while.

You sound worn down and I get that, I really do. My dd is the same age as yours. But you sound checked out, like you have stopped caring.

She actually needs you now more than ever.

Can you broker a compromise that she comes home to live Monday to Friday?

It is not too late for her GCSES, she could resit them. She has shown signs of progress by stopping the drugs and getting a job, she may really turn a corner - can you at least try and reconnect with her op? Take her out for lunch? Dinner? A shopping afternoon? She is your child. You are still legally responsible for her.

@veggiesupreme Are you deliberately misquoting what I said? I never said she had a drug dealer in my house recently with a knife. She had a 15 year old boy that sells weed in my house a year ago, that is part
of a gang, the types that carry knives. I also said she is not a part of that’s told. But buys weed from such people.
mom satisfied she is physically safe at her boyfriends house but it’s obviously not an environment anyone wants their child in, but we are where we are. There’s no drug dealers chilling in the house with them. They buy their weed, probably meet them downstairs and that’s that.

i have almost definitely checked out. I had to so I didn’t have a breakdown last year. There’s nobody else that can have her. Literally nobody.

she won’t stay at home, because she can’t smoke weed here. I’ve tried days outs, nights away ect. Half the time she doesn’t turn up or she comes home so late and wakes me up that I don’t want to go in the morning. She has no interest in doing anything other than smoking weed.

I’m glad she can hold down a job, but she only does that so she can afford her weed. Although she does enjoy work.

But she has bought a gang member/ drug dealer into my home. We live in London so when I say gang member, I’m talking knives ect

You said this on page three, and I am trying to say to you it does not sound remotely safe to me. She is only sixteen.

Can you speak to the dr and see if you can get her on a drugs rehab programme, she is so young, you have lots of time to turn this around for her. Smoking weed sounds like she is using that to self medicate due to her mental health problems. With the right support you might be able to still reach her. I work with lots of young women and older one that have had their lives obliterated by drugs, soft drugs turned eventually to crack/heroin - they spent stretches of time in prison, abuse of the worst possible kind, living on the streets. Personally I would do all I could whilst you still can to get your dd out of this world op. There is a window, and she seems to be making better choices now.

But it doesn't sound like you are that interested in actually helping and just want to know if you can charge her rent. Well, I imagine she will simply move out altogether to her boyfriends' house where it is free, and you won't see her anymore. So if that is the outcome you want for her, then go ahead.
Or you could try and reconnect with her and tell her how much you care about her, and would she think about coming home for a while in the week so you can spend some time with ehr. Leave the money to one side for the time being until she is back on feet and see how things look.

She won't even be earning the minimum wage, but you could put the money away for her future as something to fall back on as a compromise maybe?

I would actually charge her more than a token £30 pw. I presume you have to pay the full council tax bill with her officially living with you? Also the less money she has to play with, the less she can waste on drugs.

If she's hardly ever there and not using gas or electricity I would not be charging her rent. If she brings a load of washing around I might tell her to leave £2 towards electricity. Are you still claiming child benefit for her? If so I would not be charging her anything as that would cover her. If no child benefit as she not in education just £2 per load of washing. You should inform child benefit she has left school and not in education anymore. It is my understanding that it should trigger someone asking her as bout apprenticeships.