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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that no one told me about the sex offender in my family?

127 replies

Crazyfamilylife · 07/06/2022 20:33

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Last week I found out through a distant relative that my uncle is on the sex offender register for possession of indecent images of children a few years ago. My auntie has never told me and has brought him to my house around (with myselfat all times) my 2 young children twice and never said anything. I asked her about it and she says she would never put my kids at risk and he has never and would never harm a child. She hasn't apologised or taken any accountability. My other auntie that I'm actually much closer to apparently also knew this but also didn't say anything to me. He is a Facebook friend and so also has access of photos of my kids. I have blocked him now. Both of my aunties knew this. I feel like I should have been told but one is making excuses and the other apologising for not having considered the impact it would have had on me and my family. AIBU to be so angry about this?? Also what do I do now? I'm so sad that o feel I can't trust either of them and that these relationships may be ruined. :(

OP posts:
Mally100 · 07/06/2022 20:37

Yanbu, both of them put your kids at risk by not disclosing this to you. Without this knowledge, he was in your kids company. I would have nothing to do with any of them because protecting a sex offender was more important than your children. I would be absolutely livid with them.

TraeKezZen · 07/06/2022 20:39

You are well within your rights to feel annoyed. God knows I would be livid.

If i were you I would not have this man around my kids again... ever. The fact that your aunt is even in a relationship with him is questionable and yes they should have told you.

It's bizarre that they didn't.

Vapeyvapevape · 07/06/2022 20:39

I would distance myself from all of them as the aunts judgement is way off kilter.

Rachaelrachael · 07/06/2022 20:41

I would be absolutely fuming and would never speak to any of them again

AppleKatie · 07/06/2022 20:44

I would block all three of them and anyone else who knew. I wouldn’t have anyone who covered for him or him of course in my house again.

Gizacluethen · 07/06/2022 20:46

Can't you report that? Surely he's not allowed near children?
I'd be absolutely fuming with them all. Who brings a paedophile to visit children?

poppyart · 07/06/2022 20:47

Are these your uncles sisters or is one married to him? Not that it even matters, either way it's awful, why do they even still talk to him? And yes he has harmed children because he has created a demand for those images to be produced

Gizacluethen · 07/06/2022 20:48

I wouldn't have anyone who condoned his vile behaviour in my children's life ever again. If you think it's OK then you're a danger to children yourself.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/06/2022 20:50

When i was 9 i often visited my great uncle (grandads brother/mums uncle) with my mum, then he moved into my street and i'd sometimes visit alone, and during school holidays with my aunt whose care i was in (teacher).
This included him teaching me piano sat together on same stool etc.
I'll never forget the day i was round there alone and my dad came to get me, and, tears in his eyes, knelt face to face with me and asked if he had ever touched me inappropriately. He had not. He was swiftly cut from the family and never mentioned again, dispite living about 10 houses away.

I was finally told at 18 he'd had a sexual relationship with my aunt (the above mentioned teacher) when she was 15 (had been willing), and had always been very letchy over young barely legal women. Aunt had confessed to rest of family when i was 9, some 30+ years after their relationship.
That aunt put me in potential danger of a sex offender who liked teenage girls, even when she knew i was going there alone, i'll never forgive her.

HollowTalk · 07/06/2022 20:50

They really are brushing that under the carpet, aren't they? I would block the lot of them and wouldn't see him again.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/06/2022 20:51

I’m afraid you can’t trust them. Because they broke your trust.

The auntie who is still with the sex offender is someone you cannot have in your life, surely?! And the other auntie didn’t think to tell you? Rubbish.

They’re not trustworthy at all in the worst way. They ruined the relationships. Foul.

Bananaman123 · 07/06/2022 20:51

thats awful and I would be so angry with the family for not telling you. I went on holiday once with my parents, mums brother and wife. I was 13 and I knew my uncle had been to prison but was told it was because he owed money and couldn’t pay it back. Always got a creepy vibe from him and talking to my dad during the holiday about it he told me he had gone to prison for SA to his step daughter! I was so angry that my bedroom was next to his, nobody told me he was an offender and that they even let him come on holiday with us.

Moosake · 07/06/2022 20:52

Your uncle should have told you himself. Fucking coward.

FOJN · 07/06/2022 20:53

...he has never and would never harm a child.

How does she think indecent images of children are created? Children are harmed to make them. If your Aunt does not know this then I would not allow her, nevermind him, anywhere near my children. She is a paedophile apologist.

I would not allow any of them in my house and would block on all social media.

1FootInTheRave · 07/06/2022 20:55

A pervert was more important than your kids.

They are disgusting.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2022 20:57

Your aunts are reprehensible and I consider this unforgivable. How can she possibly stay with a man like this?

P3pp3roniP1zza · 07/06/2022 20:57

A family member knew about another family member having a past of sexually abusing children.

This family member decided not to tell my parents or anyone else because she "didn't think there was any risk and there was always an adult around".

8 year old me ended up getting sexually abused. More than once.

Do not allow this man around your children because of his crimes. Do not allow your aunt's around your children because they minimise the severity of his crimes. Always, always trust your instinct.

serenghetti2011 · 07/06/2022 20:58

Men and the partners who stand by them seem to think it’s a victimless crime and a blip or mistake. But I can’t understand why any man would look at that stuff knowing it’s illegal and any woman who stays with them, and even reproduces 3 times with him honestly beggars belief. I don’t think paedophiles can be rehabilitated and they should be kept as far from our children as possible,

your aunts are reprehensible, you should have been informed so you could make an informed decision to have this man in your life. Absolute pond scum the lot of them, facilitating this man makes it ok to be on a sex offenders register and just carry on with normal life gaining access to children, it’s quite scary!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/06/2022 20:59

I have a relative who was arrested for the same thing OP.
It's really hard to suddenly cut someone out your life instantly. I talked it through with a professional and it's like the stages of grief, only the denial stage lasts longer if the person still seems to be the person you knew before. It's hard to explain.

Say you always had a wonderful and close relationship with a brother, the one day out of the blue you find out he has indecent images of children on his computer. You try and reason that maybe they were pics of 17 year olds days before their birthday who he thought were older and any other 'excuse' you can think of. Also you 'know' they'll never be a threat to anyone. Your brother is still just as lovely and kind as he was before so it almost doesn't feel real...and it's too easy to bury your head in the sand. Until the next thing happens and you realise you're also now a monster for not turning them away as soon as it happened.

Then you're blaming yourself for them turning out how they have and obviously it's somehow your fault.

I can see how it happened OP. Doesn't make any of it right and I'm really sorry it's happened in your family too. These fucking knobheads don't care about anyone.

esoryelneh · 07/06/2022 20:59

Unforgivable.

You spend the whole of your parental life protecting your children from such people and they arrive at your doorstep.

I couldn't and wouldn't forgive. Really feel for you.

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/06/2022 21:06

That's absolutely awful and I'd never want to see them again.

This man, and anyone who views these images has harmed a child. He's evil.

powershowerforanhour · 07/06/2022 21:07

"she says she would never put my kids at risk and he has never and would never harm a child."

He consumed images of child sexual abuse.
Therefore, he (indirectly) paid for children to be raped.
He paid for children to be raped.

Block the lot and I'd never go within a country mile of them again.

Original poster
Crazyfamilylife · 07/06/2022 21:09

I have no issue at all with never seeing him again, and wouldn't let him near my children over my dead body. That is a given. My aunties are blood relatives, the uncle is married into the family. I have always found him a bit odd but wouldn't have suspected this. It's shocking. The auntie that is married to him seems to be actually pissed off with me and offended that I am upset that she brought him into my home without telling about this. She didn't even give me the opportunity to make an informed decision. Had I known I would never ever have let him near my kids. I am trying to understand from her perspective and my other aunt (who has always been fond of him) but they must have known for ages and I just can't get over the fact that they care more about their relationship with him than the safety of my kids and my relationship with them. I'm devastated and know I can never trust them again.

OP posts:
stepuporshutup · 07/06/2022 21:10

Omg yes block him and all of them your dc come first. Cannot imagine why they think it is ok to be with your children

Neoandtrinity · 07/06/2022 21:10

If you haven't already, contact the police and ask for a Sexual Offences Disclosure. That way you will find out the truth and also if he's on the register and not meant to have contact with kids. (Usually the conditions are that he can have contact but the parents have to know what he's done)