To be angry that no one told me about the sex offender in my family?

[Crazyfamilylife]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Last week I found out through a distant relative that my uncle is on the sex offender register for possession of indecent images of children a few years ago. My auntie has never told me and has brought him to my house around (with myselfat all times) my 2 young children twice and never said anything. I asked her about it and she says she would never put my kids at risk and he has never and would never harm a child. She hasn't apologised or taken any accountability. My other auntie that I'm actually much closer to apparently also knew this but also didn't say anything to me. He is a Facebook friend and so also has access of photos of my kids. I have blocked him now. Both of my aunties knew this. I feel like I should have been told but one is making excuses and the other apologising for not having considered the impact it would have had on me and my family. AIBU to be so angry about this?? Also what do I do now? I'm so sad that o feel I can't trust either of them and that these relationships may be ruined. :(

YANBU I would be livid! And I would never speak to either aunt or uncle ever again. Your aunts have let you and your children down big time. Ignore their claims of you over reacting etc, your aunt isn't even a sane person to still be with your uncle when he not once, but twice (because he clearly can't help his dirty self), downloaded indecent images of innocent children.

When I was 21 my mother told me she had been sexually abused by one of her brothers, my uncle, when she was 6. When she told me, she didn't tell me which of her 7 brothers it was...

I found out when I was 42, from my younger brother. Turned out it was the uncle myself and my two brothers spent the most time with as young children...there was barely a weekend from when I was about 5 that we didn't spend at least one full day of it alone with him. He also used to take us food shopping with him one afternoon a week at the local shopping centre. This all went on until I was 14.

I'm 53 now and I still can't get my head around it. Either my mother is lying, or she knowingly put myself and my brothers in the path of a paedophile...because he was handy for childminding?

Some families are just so fucked up.

Bloody hell.

Your Aunts have also been groomed, OP. Relatives, friends, colleagues and sometimes professionals and legal representatives of predators are often subject to different kinds of grooming, mostly in order to ensure further enabling or inadvertent facilitation. In my field, this is part of statutory safeguarding training.

Your family members lied about something incredibly important that put your kids at risk. What else are they willing to cover up? I would cut them off immediately.
especially since they ‘don’t believe’ he is a risk to hour kids. He has already participated in sexually harming a child by retaining copies of a child being abused and exploited.

Now would be a good time to start having conversations with your children about their personal safety and talking to identified safe people if they are ever worried, uncomfortable or scared.
I agree with another that it would be wise to have a conversation with police. Establish whether he has broken any boundary set by them by being near your kids. would you be surprised if there is more then what your family was telling you.

If there are other relatives with children that see him, tell them what you know so that they can protect their kids. He does not have the right to protect his image over the kids safety.

I would be spreading the word and make sure all the rest of family and friends with children would know.

The fact that the watch children being harmed means they are a danger to kids. YANBU, i wouldnt let him anywhere near my children.

No contact with all of them.

He was caught. Even after the horror of that, his compulsion was so great that he went and reoffended knowing he would likely be caught again. He is unlikely to have changed if his compulsion is this strong. I'm sorry OP but it's clear that your Aunts (both of them) relationship to a sex offender is more important than their relationship with you or the safety of your or any other children. They are paedophile sympathisers. You have to cut contact. You can make it clear why and retort exactly what I've said if they ever dare to try to make you out to be the baddie.

Thank you for all your replies. I feel better knowing that others would react the same. He is really a very boring, middle of the road man. Quite sort of quiet and unassuming, in his late 60's. It's bizarre. I told my mum and thankfully she wasn't aware of any of it and is also horrified by the whole thing so at least I don't have to worry about cutting ties with her over all this.

I have a relative who was arrested for the same thing OP.

It's really hard to suddenly cut someone out your life instantly. I talked it through with a professional and it's like the stages of grief, only the denial stage lasts longer if the person still seems to be the person you knew before. It's hard to explain.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea Sorry you went through that, and yes, I can see that the trauma of finding out something like this about a close family member would be incredibly hard to process.

However, there’s a big difference between ‘not cutting someone out of your life instantly’ and ‘bringing them to other people’s houses to spend time with their children’, though, isn’t there?

There was a documentary a few years ago about this very subject - the wives and adult kids of men who had been convicted of downloading child abuse images. One of them took her husband back after he came out of jail, presumably for the reasons you mention, which are obviously very psychologically complex. But even she didn’t a) conceal his conviction from family or b) take him to visit people with kids.

Thank you for all your replies. I feel better knowing that others would react the same. He is really a very boring, middle of the road man. Quite sort of quiet and unassuming, in his late 60's. It's bizarre. I told my mum and thankfully she wasn't aware of any of it and is also horrified by the whole thing so at least I don't have to worry about cutting ties with her over all this.

Oh @Crazyfamilylife you poor thing, what a shock 😔
I can't believe he's been convicted twice and family are still standing by him.

I agree with @Neoandtrinity get in touch with the police as it is likely there is a Sexual Harm Prevention Order in place which means he should not have contact with kids unless the parents are aware of his conviction and give consent for contact. If he has broken such an order that is a criminal offence that he should and would be punished for separately from any punishment he received.

I agree with @Neoandtrinity get in touch with the police as it is likely there is a Sexual Harm Prevention Order in place which means he should not have contact with kids unless the parents are aware of his conviction and give consent for contact. If he has broken such an order that is a criminal offence that he should and would be punished for separately from any punishment he received.

She knows jack shit about what he'll do and is capable of.

To me partners that stay with these absolutely vile excuses for human beings need their heads examined. The level of denial is unreal.

@ElEmEnOhPee no they are allowed internet but have to give devices to police for random checks and not allowed to delete history. These days it would be practically impossible to not allow someone any internet, you can barely do anything without it.

I'd cut them all off. How are you related to them? Did your parents not tell you either? If that was my sisters husband and she stayed with him I'd cut her off too. Also wouldn't be happy with my parents if they didn't cut ties.

Your aunties are bang out of order. Try not to worry about what has past and torment yourself. You know your kids are fine and you have acted on it.

Pro-paedophiles are repugnant and have no place in society. The nonce lovers need removed from your life. No dilemma whatsoever.

I very much agree with this. I would be concerned also about the aunts and would cut contact.

Not exactly the same but a year ago I found out that my ex Step son (13 at the time) had been inappropriately touching my.daughter (4) and that my ex husband knew and had covered it up and scared our DD out of telling me or her DGP's, he also made little effort to make sure it didn't happen again.
His son has totally been cut from our life's and the ex only gets supervised visits with our kids. This was what CPS recommended but while I'm working hard I can't forgive him.
He endangered my child. There's no coming back from that.
His mother knew too and said nothing so I've cut her out of our life's too. We still see his sister as she is the one who told me and the kids still have a wonderful close relationship with her.

No one who endangers your child can be fully trusted again.

I am so so sorry OP and you are 100% doing the right thing, your aunts have failed your children. I have recently been told that FIL is not allowed to work with children due to an allegation in his past (no conviction). There were inconsistencies in the story told so I have made an application through Sarah’s Law. The police are coming to see us to give a disclosure along with a social worker and have made it clear that DS mustn’t see FIL. PIL are furious with us but I am even angrier with them. I had no idea and have let them babysit several times. I can’t get my head around MIL not walking away as soon as she was told, it is her second marriage and she moved him in with her three DC all of whom were under 18 at the time.

I believe she is reacting so strongly because our actions are showing her what she should have done 20 years ago. It may be the same for your aunts.

You are doing the right thing cutting ties this man can't be trusted around children and yes paedophiles are normal looking run of the mill people who manipulate those around them. It would be so much easier if they were branded with a P on their foreheads so we all new to avoid them. Remember none of this is your fault, his behaviour his consequences. You owe this man nothing and your aunties brushing this under the carpet is how men like him get away with their disgusting behaviour. Any image he looked at or shared of a child being raped and abuse is abuse. Frankly I worry about your aunt's and their experiences if they are so easily able to brush this off. Paedophiles are patient they take their time (years) grooming adults and children to accept them and trust them in their daily lives. Your children have no doubt had a lucky escape.

I asked her about it and she says she would never put my kids at risk and he has never and would never harm a child.

This is utter BS. The fact that he possessed childporn means he has harmed children, because children were harmed in taking those images. Futhermore, he has fueled the demand for those images by having them.

I totally get why you are upset. I don't have children, but I would never knowingly want to associate with such a predator.

Agreed. They are enablers.