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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that no one told me about the sex offender in my family?

127 replies

Crazyfamilylife · 07/06/2022 20:33

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Last week I found out through a distant relative that my uncle is on the sex offender register for possession of indecent images of children a few years ago. My auntie has never told me and has brought him to my house around (with myselfat all times) my 2 young children twice and never said anything. I asked her about it and she says she would never put my kids at risk and he has never and would never harm a child. She hasn't apologised or taken any accountability. My other auntie that I'm actually much closer to apparently also knew this but also didn't say anything to me. He is a Facebook friend and so also has access of photos of my kids. I have blocked him now. Both of my aunties knew this. I feel like I should have been told but one is making excuses and the other apologising for not having considered the impact it would have had on me and my family. AIBU to be so angry about this?? Also what do I do now? I'm so sad that o feel I can't trust either of them and that these relationships may be ruined. :(

OP posts:
Dinosaur975326788900864322456778899900754543 · 07/06/2022 21:41

Yes probation services!

Original poster
Crazyfamilylife · 07/06/2022 21:41

@bellac11 I actually don't know. I will find out what I can and report if I can.

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 07/06/2022 21:41

SolasAnla · 07/06/2022 21:16

I dont think you can ever trust either one of them again. I can understand how difficult it may be for them to accept what happened but they put your children at risk.

I think if you can, you need to say in simple terms that their brother(?) has caused harm to each of the children who's images he obtained for a sexual reason. Perhaps ask both women of they are willing to give you a naked, sexual picture? You will send it to a random selection of people with the instruction that random people can use in any way they choose. These people may know your Aunts as neighbours and friends or may be random strangers.
I expect that they will both refuse, ask them to explain why their choice is not applicable to the abused children. Each of the children was directly abused by whom ever took and distributed the picture and also indirectly by your Uncle. Each of the children who was will have to come to terms with the reality than anyone they come in contact with may have obtained the images.

He choose to do what he did because he is and always will be sexually stimulated by a child. He may have an age or a sex preference but the fact that he is in direct contact with your children gave him an chance to begin grooming your children. If both Aunts are allowing him to be in direct contact with children, they are making decisions about your and other people's children and they don't have that right nor any ability to risk assess what he is capable of.

I presume he was discovered by his purchase and/or trading of abuse images? Your Aunts maybe embarrassed into denial but you need to find out what he was charged with and what he was convicted of and warn any other family or friends who may be put at risk by your Aunts denial.

@SolasAnla yes,,very powerful to ask for a photo, to be shared online with all and sundry, see how they react to that

Original poster
Crazyfamilylife · 07/06/2022 21:43

@Ahurricaneofjacarandas thank you for sharing your experience and for your understanding x

OP posts:
ElEmEnOhPee · 07/06/2022 21:45

Is one of his restrictions to not be online? I thought convicted paedophiles couldn't have social media of any kind or phones with internet access etc or am I mistaken?

Foolsrule · 07/06/2022 21:45

You need to go no contact with them. I’d also make sure everyone and anyone locally knew exactly what he is. Leopards doing change their spots.

ChickenBurgers · 07/06/2022 21:45

If he was convicted in recent years (roughly the last 10) then he almost definitely has a sexual harm prevention order (SHPO) in place. The majority of SHPO’s often have conditions regarding contact with U18’s, what contact is or is not allowed varies but many state no contact unless cleared with social services, which the contact with your children will not of been as they will of had to of contacted you in order to clear you if that makes sense. I’d contact the police as he has very likely breached his SHPO, which is an offence in itself.

YANBU in the slightest. Your aunt is not in a position to decide who is at risk or not. Vile and I’d be cutting them all off tbh.

Original poster
Crazyfamilylife · 07/06/2022 21:47

@ElEmEnOhPee it seems that after the first time he was caught he had some software put on his computer or devices by the police to monitor what he was doing and did the same thing again and got caught. Then put of register.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 07/06/2022 21:47

SurfBox · 07/06/2022 21:30

I was finally told at 18 he'd had a sexual relationship with my aunt (the above mentioned teacher) when she was 15 (had been willing)

Whilst I'm not condoning it, that was pretty standard back in the day. I am 36 and I recall many 15 year old girls from school being with men in their later teens and early 20s back when I was that age in the year 2000-01. I recall several boys at school too of 15 years of age having flings with women in their early 20s. It was all pretty common knowledge too and people were generally ok with it back then.

I wouldn't say that makes them predators or pedos simply because society was different back then and I know I'll get backlash for that but it was. It was before safeguarding became heavy and 15-16 year olds were seen as adults more so than today.I grew up in Ireland too and the legal age was 17.

But wasn’t this uncle and niece?? Not standard behaviour

Original poster
Crazyfamilylife · 07/06/2022 21:48

@ChickenBurgers thank you for the info. I think I need to request info from the police to find out if any laws have been broken here

OP posts:
ChickenBurgers · 07/06/2022 21:48

Also Google his name and see if he comes up. Sometimes sex offenders are written about in local newspaper online sites and if he was written about, any punishment he received will also be within the article. Whilst any conditions of his SOR and SHPO if one was imposed won’t be on there, it’ll say how long he is subject to them at the very least.

bellac11 · 07/06/2022 21:50

ElEmEnOhPee · 07/06/2022 21:45

Is one of his restrictions to not be online? I thought convicted paedophiles couldn't have social media of any kind or phones with internet access etc or am I mistaken?

I depends on their restrictions, they are different for each person

ChickenBurgers · 07/06/2022 21:50

Crazyfamilylife · 07/06/2022 21:48

@ChickenBurgers thank you for the info. I think I need to request info from the police to find out if any laws have been broken here

Absolutely. It never fails to shock me how many people will willingly just standby and allow things like this to be brushed under the carpet spouting “they’re not a risk”. Unbelievable. I’d be absolutely furious in your position.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 07/06/2022 21:57

He has hurt children. These are not cartoons they are pictures of actual children being abused and he uses them for his own sexual pleasure. The victims know their pictures are out there and it stays with them every day of their lives. It’s fucking sick. Your apologist aunties give him the justification he needs to go and does it again without a care in the world.

JeansAndJumper · 07/06/2022 21:57

I'm often one for rolling my eyes at the dramatic responses people give to questions on here, but this time YADNBU, removing contact of this sex offender is completely proportionate. And don't think twice about cutting ties with your aunts either, they have facilitated this man. What a horrible shock for you to find this out about your family members.

Basketville · 07/06/2022 22:00

YANBU OP. I’d be fuming … did your parents know? (Auntie’s must be related to either your Mum or Dad).

SurfBox · 07/06/2022 22:03

But wasn’t this uncle and niece?? Not standard behaviour

Ah yes I missed that, defo changes the dynamics.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/06/2022 22:05

"For making images?! So he's not passive"

You're misunderstanding. 'Making' an image in legal speak can mean downloading. It doesn't mean he took the photos. I'm not trying to minimise, just being clear.

catandcoffee · 07/06/2022 22:08

OP you have massively been let down by your Aunts.
The fact your Aunt has stayed with him speaks volumes to me.

This dirty pervert has been around your children and probably getting sexual thrills..I feel sick thinking about it.

They would be dead to me... how fucking dare they bring him around your children.

Cattenberg · 07/06/2022 22:09

I am trying to understand from her perspective and my other aunt (who has always been fond of him) but they must have known for ages and I just can't get over the fact that they care more about their relationship with him than the safety of my kids and my relationship with them. I'm devastated and know I can never trust them again.

I know a woman whose adult son was convicted of this a couple of years ago. When his case appeared in our local paper (which was how we found out), I overheard his mum discussing it with one of my relatives. It sounded like a mixture of denial and minimisation. She kept saying, “but we know the truth, don’t we?” and “but they weren’t his images, they were the website’s images”. At one point she did say, “I mean fair enough, he shouldn’t have been on that website” (ya think?!). She also said the worst image was sent to him by someone else and he deleted it immediately.

As creepy as that was to listen to, I feel sorry for her. Her daughter died very young, and she clearly can’t bear to lose her son as well. Also her son’s children are the light of her life and she dotes on them. For a while, her son could only see his own children under supervision, but he’s now allowed to see them unsupervised. So, I’m sure she believes that her son is harmless.

catandcoffee · 07/06/2022 22:11

Who are the 4% who think OP is unreasonable... care to give your reasons.

Cattenberg · 07/06/2022 22:12

Obviously, I don’t and I can’t trust either of them.

Ugzbugz · 07/06/2022 22:15

Never speak to any of them again.

Arnaquer · 07/06/2022 22:15

I'd be fuming too OP.
Ring 101 for the police force area where he resides and explain what has happened and that you would like to speak to his sex offender manager or MOSSOVO officer. They should tell you what the conditions of his order are and if he has breached it by having contact with your children.

Sbqprules · 07/06/2022 22:16

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