To be angry that no one told me about the sex offender in my family?

[Crazyfamilylife]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Last week I found out through a distant relative that my uncle is on the sex offender register for possession of indecent images of children a few years ago. My auntie has never told me and has brought him to my house around (with myselfat all times) my 2 young children twice and never said anything. I asked her about it and she says she would never put my kids at risk and he has never and would never harm a child. She hasn't apologised or taken any accountability. My other auntie that I'm actually much closer to apparently also knew this but also didn't say anything to me. He is a Facebook friend and so also has access of photos of my kids. I have blocked him now. Both of my aunties knew this. I feel like I should have been told but one is making excuses and the other apologising for not having considered the impact it would have had on me and my family. AIBU to be so angry about this?? Also what do I do now? I'm so sad that o feel I can't trust either of them and that these relationships may be ruined. :(

I don't understand how social services didn't do a safeguarding assessment when he was convicted? You should have been told if he had access to your children

I dont think you can ever trust either one of them again. I can understand how difficult it may be for them to accept what happened but they put your children at risk.

I think if you can, you need to say in simple terms that their brother(?) has caused harm to each of the children who's images he obtained for a sexual reason. Perhaps ask both women of they are willing to give you a naked, sexual picture? You will send it to a random selection of people with the instruction that random people can use in any way they choose. These people may know your Aunts as neighbours and friends or may be random strangers.
I expect that they will both refuse, ask them to explain why their choice is not applicable to the abused children. Each of the children was directly abused by whom ever took and distributed the picture and also indirectly by your Uncle. Each of the children who was will have to come to terms with the reality than anyone they come in contact with may have obtained the images.

He choose to do what he did because he is and always will be sexually stimulated by a child. He may have an age or a sex preference but the fact that he is in direct contact with your children gave him an chance to begin grooming your children. If both Aunts are allowing him to be in direct contact with children, they are making decisions about your and other people's children and they don't have that right nor any ability to risk assess what he is capable of.

I presume he was discovered by his purchase and/or trading of abuse images? Your Aunts maybe embarrassed into denial but you need to find out what he was charged with and what he was convicted of and warn any other family or friends who may be put at risk by your Aunts denial.

I'd phone social services and report it and let them sort it out - they have a duty of care to safeguard children

I'm so sorry to read this it's awful and I wouldn't be having anything to do with the aunties either

Not necessarily - possession of indecent images of children can range from images of sexual activity to naked images of a child, and the sentences consequently range from custodial tariffs with indefinite registration on the SO register to community orders.

Given there was no custodial sentence (I am assuming this as surely OP would have known if her uncle was in prison) then it is likely the latter, "less serious" category.

There's really no need to alarm the OP further with the little information we have.

There is no public SO register in the UK. OP, I would make a request under Sarah's Law (AKA: UK child sex offenders disclosure scheme) but it is up to the discretion of the police what information, if any, is provided, and if they do disclose then that will only tell you a) whether your uncle is on the register and b) if he poses a risk. But please be aware that depending on the category of images, his registration may have expired and he may no longer show on it.

I'm sorry you've had this scare.

Sorry, that should say "depending on the category of images and his consequent sentence / caution, his registration may have expired".

@Useranon1 They live about an hour away and I don't see them that often especially with the pandemic over the last few years. I have no idea of SS would even know he would be visiting children. I don't really know anything. The relative shared an article about it from 2019 that said he was already under a community order for making indecent images and uploading screenshots from the internet. Then this was the second conviction and he narrowly missed a jail sentence. Eugh.

I would be absolutely furious - the uncle and the aunt excusing his behaviour would never see me or my kids again.

The other aunt, it depends on wether or not she supported cutting them out and if she also felt his crimes were hideous. If she's horrified and you could trust her to protect your children then I would continue that relationship - it isn't her fault. If she apologises or minimises for him, she gets cut off too..

The auntie married to him said 'this has been so hard for me to reconcile, the man I love doing this shocking thing, but nevertheless I love him and always will.' she seems to genuinely believe that he has never harmed a child or ever will. I just don't understand, is this a love is blind thing??

Your aunties are in complete denial. And for one of them to say he would never hurt a child is ridiculous. What does she think the indecent images are. If it were me I’d stop contact with both the aunties. What a shocking breach of trust to keep this from you and bring the paedophile to your house. I would be furious too.

I can't see a pervert doing the moral thing.

I was finally told at 18 he'd had a sexual relationship with my aunt (the above mentioned teacher) when she was 15 (had been willing)

Whilst I'm not condoning it, that was pretty standard back in the day. I am 36 and I recall many 15 year old girls from school being with men in their later teens and early 20s back when I was that age in the year 2000-01. I recall several boys at school too of 15 years of age having flings with women in their early 20s. It was all pretty common knowledge too and people were generally ok with it back then.

I wouldn't say that makes them predators or pedos simply because society was different back then and I know I'll get backlash for that but it was. It was before safeguarding became heavy and 15-16 year olds were seen as adults more so than today.I grew up in Ireland too and the legal age was 17.

YANBU and you have my sympathy. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. When my adopted daughter was first placed with us it transpired that one of our family members had been cautioned and later arrested for possessing images. The rest of DH's family knew it, chose to keep it secret and allowed this creep to be around my dd... barf! It caused massive issues as ss just didn't believe we didn't know about it so we spent months terrified our dd was going to be removed from our care. I'm still traumatised years later.

When something like this happens in a family most of the family that supposedly support you just seem to want to bury their heads in the sand and gaslight the only people who want to deal with it reasonably. It's literally nausiating. Most people just don't understand what a massive safeguarding issue it is and what a huge violation of trust it is to put your kids at risk like that. Just concentrate on keeping your immediate family safe and happy and screw the rest. It is absolutely right and necessary to keep your kids away from the offender and the family who kept it from you are living a cursed relationship with you now. You can forgive them and let them back in your life if you have the heart but you owe them NOTHING and don't ever forget that xx

Do you know if he has any restrictions on what he can do ? Is he allowed in the same house as children ?

The relative shared an article about it from 2019 that said he was already under a community order for making indecent images and uploading screenshots from the internet.

For making images?! So he's not passive, how can you're aunt say he's not a danger to children if he has taken images of them!

Is he still being monitored by probation/subject to the order?

If so and the restrictions are still in place this needs to be reported.

Most sex offenders of children have restrictions not to have unsupervised contact with children, but the supervisor or person giving permission should be informed of the restrictions, you were not asked permisison for your children to be around him, you were not aware that you were supervising a sex offender around your children.

It is his responsibility to ask for this and talk to the person that needs to give permission/supervise and as such he has probably breached his order.

@Lockheart my auntie (married to him) has openly admitted that he is on the SO register and that is also detailed in the article as well as him having to attend the Horizon programme which from googling seems to be rehabilitation thing. Of they are the least offensive type of images of naked children...would I be overeacting? I feel like my aunties are making out like I am making a big deal out of nothing. Could I be?

Fuming for you OP.. just fuming

Some women are so fkn weak, that's why! They have no backbone and would rather brush their filthy secrets under the carpet.

Why would social services be involved? Unless you're suggesting that OPs children are open to SSD and his offences were common knowledge and it was common knowledge that he had contact with them

Which doesnt sound the case here at all.

@Useranon1 I believe 'making' referred to him taking screenshots of indecent images of children. They is no details in the article I read, that says there was any direct contact with a child. But I have very limited information obviously.

A large group of us became friends in the 80s. We came and went, mixing casually.
About 10 years ago, one of the men was arrested for having indecent images on his laptop. We had grandchildren by then and refused to go to anything social he was at. "But they're only pictures!" many cried. But those pictures were of something that happened....

PS not that I'm saying you're daft enough to do this but if you allow your kids to have ANY contact with this scumbag knowing what he's done then I promise you ss will NOT look favourably at all on it and will not accept any excuses. Hopefully it won't happen but if ss do come knocking be very clear that he won't be ever seeing your kids again x

No , you’re not making a big deal of it. They are minimising it.

Probation, not social services.

Ring the nspcc as they can make recommendations in line with legislation and as a respected body can refer on. I would have nothing more to do with either aunt and the uncle. Your uncle has well and truly nailed his colours to his flag pole and it’s utterly disgusting that your aunts had this knowledge yet failed to share it with you as a parent of children