To be angry that no one told me about the sex offender in my family?

[Crazyfamilylife]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Last week I found out through a distant relative that my uncle is on the sex offender register for possession of indecent images of children a few years ago. My auntie has never told me and has brought him to my house around (with myselfat all times) my 2 young children twice and never said anything. I asked her about it and she says she would never put my kids at risk and he has never and would never harm a child. She hasn't apologised or taken any accountability. My other auntie that I'm actually much closer to apparently also knew this but also didn't say anything to me. He is a Facebook friend and so also has access of photos of my kids. I have blocked him now. Both of my aunties knew this. I feel like I should have been told but one is making excuses and the other apologising for not having considered the impact it would have had on me and my family. AIBU to be so angry about this?? Also what do I do now? I'm so sad that o feel I can't trust either of them and that these relationships may be ruined. :(

@FairFuming

what the fuck that’s horrendous!

I have had counseling in the past and have requested a session next week to talk through all of this. One of my aunties is being very apologetic via messages but the other one (that's married to him) is no longer reading or replying. I don't even think I've been rude just said I'm am so upset that she didn't think to tell me before bringing him to my house. I will hopefully discuss a way forward with my counselor in terms of contacting police etc.

Even after everyone basically saying that IANBU a part of me feels like I am over reacting because that's how my auntie is reacting. Also part of me just wants to minimise the whole thing and think we'll maybe they were just innocuous images from films (it said in the articles it was screenshots from lots of 'old films' he had purchased legally) but the images were considered indecent of children....I don't understand what that means. How can you buy films legally but make illegal images from them?

To clarify these were the charges '2 counts of making indecent images and one of possessing prohibited images of a child.'

@Crazyfamilylife ..he has never and would never harm a child

OK if you ever see the aunt who said this again can you pass a message on from me

I am one of the children appearing in these types of photos. The photos of me are most likely still out there helping some pervert like your uncle get his rocks off. Hell he could even have had the photos of me in his possession.

Tell her from me those photos are taken especially for the consumption of men like your uncle. And for her information it fucking harmed me. It harms me every single day of my life knowing those photos are probably still out there.

How fucking dare she minimise my pain and my suffering, and the pain and suffering of every child in the photos he looked at, fantacised about and masturbated to.

How fucking dare she!

And for you OP💐Your uncle and your aunts are twats. I'm glad you found out eventually.

these were the charges '2 counts of making indecent images and one of possessing prohibited images of a child.'

Making?! He has actively harmed children then. I'd be fucking furious with your aunties.

"Making" is a legal term - meaning creating a copy - eg by downloading or screenshot - remember the senior black female police officer that was prosecuted for images sent to her. It's a catch all term.

Oh, I see.

Still harmful, even if to a lesser degree.

@Boiledbeetle thank you for your perspective and sharing your experience. I can't imagine the pain you have experienced which is why I am so disgusted and disappointed with the reaction of my aunties. It makes me feel like I'm the crazy one, the way they have just carried on like it's nothing.

Thank you for taking this seriously @Crazyfamilylife and giving it the gravity it deserves. I am a victim of CSA at the hands of a family member, and have had to cut off my entire maternal family as they protected the perpetrator and their marriages (my Mum's sister decided she wanted to keep her marriage rather than tell the truth about what she saw to the police). They then threw me to the wolves by saying I was mentally ill and hinted it was consensual to the rest of the family...I was 11 years old when he finally raped me after abusing me from the age of 5 (not sure how a 5 year old can consent but there we go).

The abuse was obviously traumatic but the invalidation and lack of taking it seriously was just as awful. Thank you for being a decent person and protecting your DC.

@Crazyfamilylife trust me you're not crazy. Men like your uncle are good at grooming those around them to excuse and downplay their behaviour. In just the same way the person who originally took the photos of 6 year old me groomed my mother into leaving me alone with him on many many occasions.

Your aunts, persuaded by your uncle think it is a victimless crime. I've been suffering now for 44 years. Ask your aunts if they'd like to tell me to my face that your uncle never would and never could harm a child. Because he has done wether they want to accept it or not.

Please feel free to forward my words onto both of your aunts. Wether they read them and understand them or not is up to them.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this shit, but I'll say it again you are not the crazy one in all this. You are seeming like the only sane one!

The confusion over screenshots from legal films being used for illegal purposes probably comes from the fact that it used to be fairly common for young kids to be naked in films where relevant to the plot. Nothing sexual about it, but still a child naked on screen. For example, I was watching a film (actually adapted from a children's book) made in the 80s on DVD recently and was very surprised to see a scene where the main child actor was in the bath, and I think she was probably maybe about ten years old? Only her top half was visible and it was all totally innocent but I don't think you'd get that in a film now.

So my guess is that he was screenshotting images like that and sharing them with people for the clear purpose of sexual gratification in way that was exploiting the image of that child, if that makes sense. Images don't actually have to be illegal in themselves to be used illegally.

The thing is, though, it absolutely doesn't matter how explicit the images were. The point is not his preferred genre of child pornography. The point is that he has a sexual interest in children. He isn't less of a paedophile because he prefers his child porn to be softcore.

There is a chance that his interest is in, say, young teenagers rather than preteens or toddlers, of course, in which case he is unlikely to be an actual threat to small children. But I still wouldn't want him in my house, personally. And I don't actually have any kids at all. I just wouldn't want to associate with a sex offender, full stop.

I'm petty, but if either of those two conniving bitches ever mentioned it to me, I would go low. Very low.

I'd publicly ask the wife how she felt about the fact that her husband was wishing she was a 4yo boy whenever they had sex and give it the faux concern about how distressing it must be to not be good enough for her husband.

If anyone asks what you mean, tell them and let the bitch try and defend her decision. She decided her happiness and her pervert were more important than your children's safety, so I'd have no compulsion in humiliating her. None at all.

There is literally no reason in the world for anyone to have naked photos of children (except their own). It’s clearly for sexual gratification. He is a paedophile. It’s very clear; it’s black and white. I don’t understand you allowing your aunts to confuse you or gaslight you about it. Your aunt doesn’t want to believe it as it’s her husband and she doesn’t want to have her world blown apart but who gives a fuck? Your aunts have allowed a paedophile near your children. It’s unforgivable.

The thing is, though, it absolutely doesn't matter how explicit the images were. The point is not his preferred genre of child pornography. The point is that he has a sexual interest in children. He isn't less of a paedophile because he prefers his child porn to be softcore

this. And I’m sure there will have been an element of seeing what he could get away with. Probably he thought he wouldn’t be caught as they were “just” screenshots from a film.

@WalkWithDignityAndPride

Absolutely agree.

I would be furious and neither of them would be anywhere near my children (I don't have any) under any circumstances.

Those images were of real children being abused by sick perverts for sick perverts to watch.

I just keep crying about the broken trust here. I think I'm going to go to the Police and under Sarah's Law try and find out about his convictions and any details so I know all the facts for myself. I don't trust my aunties to do anything but sugar coat it. I have considered emailing and asking him directly but I genuinely don't know how he will react or if it's even worth bothering. I kind of want to know the details so I can judge myself just how much risk my children have been put in. Obviously it goes without saying that there is absolutely no chance I or my kids will ever be face to face with him ever again. When my children are old enough I will tell them too so that if he is still around they know the deal and to keep away from him.

Of course go to the police and ask. Don’t email him!

Yes to both

YANBU.

Your aunt is no better than him.

I wouldn't trust her around my children either.

I don't want to cause you further hurt (and I haven't read the whole thread so this may have been mentioned) if your aunts know, then is there a possibility your parents know? 😪

@felineweird my parents are separated and my mum definitely didn't know. The relative that told me has come across a news article about him! I told my auntie this and now she has decided to tell her grown up children in case they stumble across it themselves. He is their step dad, none of them live with him or have their own kids yet. I find it crazy that that is the ONLY reason good enough to tell her own kids.

Very well said.

I agree that my aunt is no better than him. It's just unbelievable as I've known her my whole life to be so kind and welcoming. She's a retired primary school teacher herself and claims that safeguarding is important to her so that makes her a good judge of whether her husband is a risk to my kids. Honestly, when I write it down it just seems more and more like absolute madness. How could her judgement be so wrong on this. He used to work with children as well, a long time ago but for a couple of decades. All so unbelievable. I feel like I don't know these people, my family, at all!

Your aunts and uncle are horrible people, I'm sorry you are going through this