...to think that most people live near family?

[ImplementingTheDennisSystem]

DH and I moved 4 years ago to a beautiful little town in an area we love, and have worked hard to establish a great social network here. We have no links to the area and our family are all scattered and hours away from us. There is no central family 'hub' for us to move to.

But I'm having a wobble having had the realisation that most people I know - both here and elsewhere - live near family. Family is the focus of activity for so many friends and forms a key part of their social lives (and obligations). I'm feeling a bit dislocated and worried that friendships are potentially a bit fleeting compared to the solidity of family. People will understandably always prioritise their family, so will that leave me feeling continually sidelined?

Have you successfully built a life nowhere near family? If so, how do you feel about this and does your situation feel 'solid'?

I went to Cambridge and loads of my university friends live near their parents because they grew up in London or nearby and that's where they live as adults. I grew up in home counties commuter-ville and none of my school friends lived near there when we were 25 but now we're 35 and lots of us have 'gone back' (including me). Where I live now is absolutely full of people who have 'moved out' from London (it's not affordable for anyone else) but most of them, like me, chose this specific place to come to because they already had a connection to it.

People who grew up in London generally seem quite bemused by the idea that they'd live anywhere else but for some reason that's not seen as limiting and weird in the same way it is if you grew up anywhere else and want to keep living there.

24 hour flight away from our nearest and dearest. We like it like this!

Not where I grew up. I grew up in the countryside and pretty much everyone moved for uni then never moved back. There isn't many jobs so it wouldn't make sense to live there. I live 2.5hours away from where I grew. All 3 of my siblings have moved between 2 and 5 hours away.

Where I live now lots of the kids school friends parents went to the same school as the kids so not the same amount of moving at all. I think it just depends in the area you grew up in and what it has to offer.

I think the days of family living very close together are generally gone, the population has to be far more mobile for work. In my family during my mother's youth you left school on Friday and on Monday you were in the mill or down the pit, little other choice. In the 1921 Census in a street of 56 houses, 18 of them were in some way related to my mother, even in the 1960s I recall many of thise houses were Uncle/Auntie to me.
When we had our children we were living abroad so had no-one close by, the best thing in my opinion, we made all decisions!

You have told me about your parents but what about you. When people plan for the future I dont think they give enough consideration to this, not enough thought. It's fine to be far away from family and not close but then you need to plan for your old age the same as retirement. What do you want to happen and how will you pay for that. Everyone is talking about parents and siblings. What about your own children do you really want them moving away from you to see them once or twice a year. I would never ever stop mine but would be pleased if they wanted to stay close to me. I love them they are the most important things in my life why wouldn't I want them close.

We have one child and I would be sad when she moves away as an adult, but i'd also be happy that they were confident and independent enough to realise thay are capable of doing things by themselves. Of course it would be sad, but i'd know i'd done my job as a parent to help them make friends and lifelong companions.

I live in an area where everyone still lives near their families, it's really uncommon for people to not have all their family around them and most people like the OP says, are busy with their families at weekends etc.

I grew up here, moved away and then moved back, my sibling lives 20 mins away and my parents 15 mins away. Inlaws live 3 hours away. To be honest though, I'm not family orientated, I don't have anything in common with my family really and we're not particularly close. I see my sibling once every couple of months and my parents once a week/ every 2 weeks. We all get together for a day/ meal out/ BBQ once every few months and obviously do Christmas and stuff but that's about it.

Put it this way, I'm never not available for my friends at the weekends because I'm hanging out with my family, I'd rather see friends as they're the family I choose.

I think it's quite unusal. Most of my family and DH's live nearby but that's relatively unusual and also to some extent because we're Jewish. Jewish families tend to either live near one another or on different continents! But I think British families are less likely to.

Most people I know live near their families - but whatever works for you

*tootiredtospeak · Today 10:35

You have told me about your parents but what about you. When people plan for the future I dont think they give enough consideration to this, not enough thought. It's fine to be far away from family and not close but then you need to plan for your old age the same as retirement. What do you want to happen and how will you pay for that. Everyone is talking about parents and siblings. What about your own children do you really want them moving away from you to see them once or twice a year. I would never ever stop mine but would be pleased if they wanted to stay close to me. I love them they are the most important things in my life why wouldn't I want them close.*

DH and I have planned for our futures. We will downsize from our 4-bed detached house to a small, town centre flat when we are approx 60. We've seen my mum and both inlaws NOT do this and then deal with the constant uphill struggle of trying to maintain their properties in older age.
We will then, as with millions of others up and down the country, use paid care support in our homes if needed, and may eventually go into a care home - maybe cared for my robots by then, who knows! (...I'm only half joking).
That's not what this thread was supposed to be about though. There is an 'elderly parents' forum on here where people often discuss these sorts of arrangements.

The whole blood is thicker crap is for some just to put up with disfunction and abuse. It puts unnecessary guilt on people who want to escape toxic environments but stay because well it’s family.

I totally agree. There are some obvious benefits to having family around but this idea of guilting people who move away and making them feel that they can only really trust family is really backwards and sinister. No thank you.

Reading posts like this do make me feel sad that we don't live close to family (200 miles away) as these are all the positive things I think we miss out on. However it does seem an alien concept to me to self-limit where you live out your life because you happen to have been born in Lincolnshire, or Lancashire or Liverpool etc.

In the area where I grew up it's very rural so there are limited job prospects and hence I didn't move back after I went away to University. I moved to a city instead and I love the place I've chosen to live, it's broadened my horizons but I do feel sad my parents will never have my DDs for a sleepover, or my sister isn't round the corner to pop in for a cuppa.

No, I think the reverse is true.

I don't stay in London because my parents are here, I stay because all my friends are here. I don't 'need' to be near my parents, it just so happens that I do.

We love 4 hours away from my family but 10 minutes away from dh's mum and brother. We still only see hos brother once a week or fortnight because he had kids too and is busy. Just because people live near family doesn't mean they spend much time together.

• live even

I live in London and most friends don't have family nearby. I personally prefer it and we manage fine between us. Depends how close and reliant you are to family.

We have family 2-4 hours away. It's perfectly doable every few weeks which is more than enough. Love being self reliant.

Nope. My mother is 2.5 hours away. My dad is 6 hours away. Doesn't seem to negatively affect my life.

@tootiredtospeak It's not a question of not loving your parents. It's where you and your partner can find work. My DM was also working when I had DC 90 miles away. We sorted out our own child care and saw her often, phoned her regularly. The same was true of DB and his family even further away. She was an independent person with her own circle of friends and wanted us to be the same. All her granchildren are close. Not the cousins who lived in different countries but the gc have their own friends.

Generally speaking most of the interesting people I know live nowhere near family.

I found this odd when we had DD. All the midwives and HV just assumed we had family support around, even though I'd said most of our relatives were dead and the rest weren't local. The midwife even wrote 'well supported' in my maternity notes after seeing my Mum in our living room even though my Mum had stayed for two nights after the birth, been zero help then and was about to leave to return home 4 hour's drive away!

It was a big struggle when we had DD without having any support, especially when I went on to develop severe PND. But we just had to get on with it on our own. It has meant we've built up good relationships with friends who now fill that family gap. The people we see at weekends are friends. We see some family members maybe once a year, my Mum maybe 2 or 3 times.

I have no intention of running around caring for my Mum when she gets to the stage of needing it. Although we've now moved nearer to her (now 2-3 hours away instead of 4-5) it's still too far for a day trip and I work full time. She never offered any support when I had PND etc and just left us to deal with it alone.

We've ended up spending a fortune on childcare but it had advantages as well - predictable hours, you know your child will be fed and receive a certain standard of care. None of the arguments you see on here about different rules and food etc.

We've twice (DD is 6yo) had my Mum to babysit. Both times involved her coming to stay for several days to be waited on hand and foot. On the night she was babysitting I had to cook Mum a meal before we could go out which kind of negated having a night off to go out for a meal with DH!

No

I live in central london and hardly any of the families here live close to family.

For the most part we are largely expats so have family abroad.