Page 4 | ...to think that most people live near family?

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 2022-06-06T19:09:50+00:00

DH and I moved 4 years ago to a beautiful little town in an area we love, and have worked hard to establish a great social network here. We have no links to the area and our family are all scattered and hours away from us. There is no central family 'hub' for us to move to. But I'm having a wobble having had the realisation that most people I know - both here and elsewhere - live near family. Family is the focus of activity for so many friends and forms a key part of their social lives (and obligations). I'm feeling a bit dislocated and worried that friendships are potentially a bit fleeting compared to the solidity of family. People will understandably always prioritise their family, so will that leave me feeling continually sidelined? Have you successfully built a life nowhere near family? If so, how do you feel about this and does your situation feel 'solid'?

Original poster

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 06/06/2022 22:24

Thanks so much for all of the replies. There is clearly a huge range of different experiences and set-ups between us all, and it's made me feel as though I'm not in as tiny a minority as I first thought.
It's comforting to hear from people who have great friends of 15-20 years where they live. DH and I have only been here 4 years so I'm sure I will feel more and more rooted over time.

OP posts:

Original poster

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 06/06/2022 22:25

*tootiredtospeak · Today 20:54

"Can I ask a question as genuinely interested. What are your plans if you live very far from family either in your old age or theirs. How do you see this working for immediate family. How will you be there for them or them you with the distances. Will you just not help in old age or expect to be helped. My grandparents are current there and we do so much for them. I cant comprehend them being far away and wonder what would happen to them if they were."*

No idea

OP posts:

Kite22 · 06/06/2022 22:25

YABU to think that "most" people live near family (although I suppose it depends on your definition of 'near' )

Even for those who do, I think those who then base their whole social life and interactions around their family are in the minority as well. Or at least out of people I meet........though there may be some self fulfilling type situation there in that those that do, wouldn't be out and about meeting other, no related people.

BadWolf2022 · 06/06/2022 22:28

We don't live near family. They are 400 miles away but we do see them most half terms!

I would love to move nearer to them it does make me very sad when leaving them but my DH doesn't want to move.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 06/06/2022 22:28

We don't and haven't for the last 10 years. We moved cities about 6 years ago to live nearer but we're still a good hour's drive away. I am pleased as we can visit easily but we're not on the doorstep.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 06/06/2022 22:30

We don't and haven't for the last 10 years. We moved cities about 6 years ago to live nearer but we're still a good hour's drive away. I am pleased as we can visit easily but we're not on the doorstep.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 06/06/2022 23:51

It is easier in cities - I live in a small town and it can feel quite isolating. But when I was in cities it was a lot easier.

Zpoa · 07/06/2022 00:27

Grew up in London and I'm still here, as are my parents. Both my siblings live overseas.

Most (95%) of my friends and their parents live locally to each other.

Original poster

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 07/06/2022 06:24

*tootiredtospeak · Today 20:54

"Can I ask a question as genuinely interested. What are your plans if you live very far from family either in your old age or theirs. How do you see this working for immediate family. How will you be there for them or them you with the distances. Will you just not help in old age or expect to be helped. My grandparents are current there and we do so much for them. I cant comprehend them being far away and wonder what would happen to them if they were."

No idea*

Sorry, my phone glitched out and posted before I was ready!
I was responding to say that I have no idea, but certainly won't be providing much practical support to my mum at all, as I live 3 hours away and will always work full time. My sister lives in Europe so can't either. I guess mum will have to do what millions up and down the country do if she needs to - buy in care or move to a retirement flat, before finally moving to a care home if needed (at that stage it would make sense for this to be near me so I could visit plenty). I live opposite an increasingly frail couple in their late 80s and their only son lives in Canada and hasn't visited in the 4 years we've lived here - so I guess you just muddle through, until you can't.
I was 'encouraged' (forced!) to go to university, being told to "get as far away as you can from this dump"! I guess living hours apart is a result of this approach and definitely something for parents to consider when they're advising their kids on their future plans.

OP posts:

Moithered · 07/06/2022 07:03

Have you read MN?!! Full of posts re people falling out with family, NC, bitching. The list is endless. Moans about parents/ inlaws bein too involved/not involved enough in childcare, babysitting visting, etc. Falling out over weddings, funerals, christenings, family names, food. Dear god, the list is endless, the reasons for not having family close, myriad
Create your own family of friends and acquaintances you live. The grass is not greener if your fam is close by

changedsoicanrage · 07/06/2022 07:21

Each parent an hour away in opposite direction. Sibling 2 hours away.

That whole living a street away and seeing each other every day type family utterly baffles me. God I'd feel so suffocated.

Elderly parents just having to muddle on sad though.

Chakraleaf · 07/06/2022 07:22

We live in a village full of generations of families. Mine are 400miles away

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 07/06/2022 07:36

I hardly know anyone with family nearby. My mum is actually near us, but that's because she moved here to be closer to us, the rest of our family is hundreds of miles away.

I did grow up in a place where everyone lived within a few streets of their family - parents, siblings, cousins, etc all a few minutes walk away - and tbh I found it stifling abd claustrophobic. Part of the reason I'm now hundreds of miles away!

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 07/06/2022 07:36

I hardly know anyone with family nearby. My mum is actually near us, but that's because she moved here to be closer to us, the rest of our family is hundreds of miles away.

I did grow up in a place where everyone lived within a few streets of their family - parents, siblings, cousins, etc all a few minutes walk away - and tbh I found it stifling abd claustrophobic. Part of the reason I'm now hundreds of miles away!

kitcat15 · 07/06/2022 07:36

PuffinMcStuffin · 06/06/2022 20:13

I don't, I find it a little weird when people's lives revolve around their extended family. I guess my family just aren't that close but my DH and DC are all very happy with our social network we've built for ourselves.

What do you find weird about it? Don't you want your children to be close to each other and you when they are adults?? I see loads of my 3 children and 3 GC and my mum and my cousin and my inlaws....we now have 14 GGC in the family and had a lovely jubilee get together....our lives are all entwined ( my DDs partner is one of my nephews and so on) ....of course we all have friends who we spend time with....but family is everything to us and how we spend a lot of our free time..... I don't get why you wouldn't want that with your own children???? I think your way of life is weird

Hardbackwriter · 07/06/2022 07:48

Moithered · 07/06/2022 07:03

Have you read MN?!! Full of posts re people falling out with family, NC, bitching. The list is endless. Moans about parents/ inlaws bein too involved/not involved enough in childcare, babysitting visting, etc. Falling out over weddings, funerals, christenings, family names, food. Dear god, the list is endless, the reasons for not having family close, myriad
Create your own family of friends and acquaintances you live. The grass is not greener if your fam is close by

To be fair if you're judging by MN it's just best to avoid all human interactions - people on MN also seem to have a lot of issues with friendships!

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/06/2022 07:48

I really don’t think it’s most people. Maybe in small, close knit rural communities yes.

Bur most people who go to university move away from their family. That’s half the point of it!

In big cities very few people live that close to their families.

I haven’t lived in the same town as any of my family for over 30 years. I have a good support network but it’s based on friends not family.

zafferana · 07/06/2022 07:49

Depends where you live. In and around London and probably any big city I would disagree. Many people live here, because of work, with their family often being from somewhere completely different, including abroad. DH and I live 100 miles from any of my family and on a different continent to his.

IncompleteSenten · 07/06/2022 07:54

We live nearly 4500 miles away from most of ours.

There's a few live about 30 miles away and a few more about 200 miles away.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 07/06/2022 07:54

I hardly know anyone with family nearby. My mum is actually near us, but that's because she moved here to be closer to us, the rest of our family is hundreds of miles away.

I did grow up in a place where everyone lived within a few streets of their family - parents, siblings, cousins, etc all a few minutes walk away - and tbh I found it stifling abd claustrophobic. Part of the reason I'm now hundreds of miles away!

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/06/2022 07:54

@kitcat15

I don’t get why you wouldn’t want that for your own children

Because I would want my children to define what they want for their lives themselves, rather than having everything dictated by the needs of the extended family.

I would find living in the pocket of my wider family my whole life incredibly stifling and I wouldn’t want it for my DD.

Ragwort · 07/06/2022 08:22

Not in my experience, but perhaps people gravitate towards friends who don't have family nearby so they make their own 'support network'. Both DH and I moved away from our home towns after Uni and I fully expect/hope that our DS moves away when he graduates. My own DPs moved away from the area we grew up in when they retired. I find it quite stifling when people don't move away .. we live in quite a small town now and there are a lot of people who have never 'moved away'. My elderly DPs did move closer to us in their 80s so that we were nearer for support and that was quite a good solution.

Stellaris22 · 07/06/2022 08:25

I too find it a bit weird being unable to unlatch yourselves from parents as adults. Having a good relationship is great, but a healthy part of being an adult is being independent and able to live your own life with people your own age. I love my circle of friends (other parents, work friends, dog walking friends) and want my children to have the ability to do that for themselves as well.

Having a 'need' to see parents and adults and talk to them constantly is weird, they are there for when you need them but being able to lean on partners or friends should be the first thing you do.

Hardbackwriter · 07/06/2022 08:32

Stellaris22 · 07/06/2022 08:25

I too find it a bit weird being unable to unlatch yourselves from parents as adults. Having a good relationship is great, but a healthy part of being an adult is being independent and able to live your own life with people your own age. I love my circle of friends (other parents, work friends, dog walking friends) and want my children to have the ability to do that for themselves as well.

Having a 'need' to see parents and adults and talk to them constantly is weird, they are there for when you need them but being able to lean on partners or friends should be the first thing you do.

But this seems to assume that the only reason you'd want to be close to and see a lot of your parents as an adult is because you rely on them. That isn't always the case, and it almost inevitably switches to the opposite at some point as they age. Some families just enjoy being around each other. I don't see why enjoying the company of friends is great and appropriate but enjoying the company of family is somehow pathetic?

adlitem · 07/06/2022 08:38

We don't.

I am from an EU country (where the rest of my family still are) and my in laws are 2 hours away. We moved for my husband's job. We are 6 years in in our new area and of course it has chalenges (mainly surrounding help with childcare - a night out for me and DH just isn't possible unless we arrange for grandparents to come stay, and emergencies can be tricky, there's a lot of logisistics required), but overall we love where we live and have - as you say - worked hard to build friendships and a support network.

All that said, it is a factor in why we will probably not have a third child. We had our second here, and I think a third with no regular help might just tip the balance. But this is also influenced by the fact that my husband has a long commute so he is not around at home much.