...to think that most people live near family?

[ImplementingTheDennisSystem]

DH and I moved 4 years ago to a beautiful little town in an area we love, and have worked hard to establish a great social network here. We have no links to the area and our family are all scattered and hours away from us. There is no central family 'hub' for us to move to.

But I'm having a wobble having had the realisation that most people I know - both here and elsewhere - live near family. Family is the focus of activity for so many friends and forms a key part of their social lives (and obligations). I'm feeling a bit dislocated and worried that friendships are potentially a bit fleeting compared to the solidity of family. People will understandably always prioritise their family, so will that leave me feeling continually sidelined?

Have you successfully built a life nowhere near family? If so, how do you feel about this and does your situation feel 'solid'?

My family lives in different countries, we ourselves left the U.K. about 16 years ago when my children were in primary school, it’s been absolutely fine for us.

No but I live in London. But I have friends all over the place and I can’t think of anyone whose social life revolves around family, although they might see their parents regularly. I get on v well with my family, but not any more than close friends. It’s good to have both - richer life etc.

Where I am that's true, Hertfordshire and Essex especially as good links to London and work opportunities no one tends to move too far away.

Also meant to say. When we DID live near family (about 10 mins away) not one fucker ever came round to see us or bothered with us at all. It hurt a lot.

We don't have any family nearby. My parents are 90 minutes away, DH's parents are 4 hours away as is his sister, my sister even further away. My cousins are all 15-20 years older than me and I don't keep in touch with them, DH doesn't keep in touch with his.

We have a good network of friends and have built up a good support network in the 15ish years we've been here. I have about 10 people within 5 minutes' walk of the house who I could easily call on in an emergency.

Family isn't all that.

DS lives 200 miles away, he is the nearest of our family.

We live hundreds of miles away from both our families and have for over 20 years. We are very happy and settled and have an excellent network. But now our parents are getting older being so far away is getting trickier. We won't be moving "back home" though.

I have lived over 300 miles away from my family for many years.

Nope. DH and I moved away at 18. Both ended up in London. DH's family 240 miles away and mine 100. Very few of our London contemporaries had family locally. Perhaps that's what made us closer. That was over 40 years ago now.

I find it peculiar when families are so near/ close. Most of the dysfunctional families I know are like this. Unable to function without every part of their lives run past the ' matriarch/ patriarch. Infantilising at worst, suffocating at best.
You may gather I don't have a family like it. 😁 My own DC don't live on the doorstep , I see DM couple of times a year. No falling out, no drama.

First we lived away from family in the Uk. At the time children were being born/bailies/toddler/early years of school. His parents are controlling and when we asked for help said no anyway. They were an hours drive away. My Dad got depression and so couldn’t help. We had help when DC were born but that was it. Very occasional weekend away.
Then we moved to Europe. In someways that has been easier because we cant rely in them for help at all. Maybe except if we were really sick.
i wont lie there have been times it has been cery hard. At one point we had to look into what kind if emergency child care is out there if we got really sick.
We made a decision to centre our weekend around our little family group - so days out, activities, fun things. Sometime it has been a slog but id like to think we are close and as teens the DC still (mostly) low spending time with us.
Plus the time spent with family is fun as they are Visitors. The GPs are GPs not babysitters/carers.

You can love your family and not need to be on everyone’s doorstep. We love our independence and friends, after uni it was freeing to keep our own lives and not need support anymore. We meet in the holidays but love our own lives we’ve built.

Same here. We live on another continent from all our family. We are close but we are all spread out. You make a life op, millions and millions do it. If you and your dh have a solid relationship that's a very good start. We have made some really good friends, so friends who became family. I also find it very weird how grown adults with their own families, need to stay near their mum and dad. For big occasions like Christmas and Easter, we usually spend it with friends but ate happy enough to just be on our own too. A positive of that is friends are probably both you and your dh like and want to spend time with as opposed to family who either partner may not like and you avoid all those issues.

We don't. 160 miles from my parents, 360 from DH's. Utter bliss 😊

Can I ask a question as genuinely interested. What are your plans if you live very far from family either in your old age or theirs. How do you see this working for immediate family. How will you be there for them or them you with the distances. Will you just not help in old age or expect to be helped. My grandparents are current there and we do so much for them. I cant comprehend them being far away and wonder what would happen to them if they were.

Well only you can decide what feels OK to you. My family are scattered all over the country so it feels OK-ish to me. But i did find hearing my osteopath talk about his whole family having been local for generations a kick to the gut. I would love that, but my choice of where i live wouldn't change the fact that my family are not that way.

Most of my friends don't. I don't know if that's cos we've naturally gravitated towards each other or what, but of my close friends, I can only think of one who has two sets of parents within an hour. My mum is three hours away and my husband's family are 500 miles away!

I'd like to move further away, to the middle of nowhere but I feel like I can't because I feel responsibility for my family. My parents are divorced and both single, they are both healthy and relatively youthful but I am their only living child. If I lived where I wanted to I would feel really bad. Currently they are both about 1.5 hours away by car so I can see them easily if I need to. My mum had an operation recently and there is no one else to look after her. I would never tell them this, they would hate to feel like a burden, but they are.

I grew up without grandparents near.

We don’t have relatives near either.

Yes all my close friends live within 1 mile of their parents / siblings etc. They all live in the same Welsh town whereas I moved to London (outskirts) for a job. I’ve been here 20yrs plus and do have lots of friends, most via work but also hobbies. I’ve got people I can call upon for help, but I guess nothing is the same as having family nearby. That said I’m hesitant to ever move back (pre covid I was certain I love everything london has to offer but house prices are my pull to go back).

I live near all of mine, most of them live in the next village and DH’s family live within ten miles. Had the opportunity to move away but couldn’t leave my grandparents, I like having everyone close.

My parents live 3 hours away, I visit them for the weekend three times a year - in April (mum's birthday), July (dad's birthday) and at Christmas. I don't have any problems with this. I spent years living abroad so being far from family is normal for me now, plus we've never been big on family get togethers. I live in London though and there's plenty of different people to befriend.

DP's parents retired to the coast 1.5 hours away from us a few years ago. We want to move somewhere bigger soon but DP is absolutely refusing to move any further away from his parents, and if anything he wants to move closer to them, despite the closer we get the more bloody expensive the houses are. All of my friends who would want to live near their families live at least an hour away from them because they've been priced out of their home areas.

I don’t live near any of my family but it definitely seems like most people I know do.

fwiw I live in a city so definitely not the case that all city dwellers are far from family. For most people I know who don’t have family locally, their partner does so they still have some family support on hand

My dh left his hometown at 20, I left mine at 30.
It suits us down to the ground to live away from them all.
Doesn't mean we don't love them or love seeing them. We don't feel like we have missed out on anything by being remote from them.

I do but I am NC with my mother so the couple of miles between us may as well be 2000. I think if family relationships are good they will be wherever you live.