To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

I don’t see what having visits from extended family would bring us

Well, for one, you might actually learn something from your mum - after all, she is relatively experienced I would have thought?

I want the first weeks of my baby’s life to be as calm as possible for me and my husband, with just a focus on our family and learning to be parents and bond

You're going to spend essentially the rest of your child's life learning how to be a parent and bonding with them. Allowing your mum to visit in the first week is absolutely not going to break that bond, or prevent you from learning. Also, your mum is family...

This is such an essentially British Middle Class attitude, and I still find it weird. My family, my husband's family and our friends were at our house constantly for probably the first three weeks of each of our children's lives. I know this wouldn't suit everyone, but for us it meant meals that only needed to be warmed up, and decent naps as there was someone to hold the babies. I loved every minute of it.

@Cap89 I don’t know if you’ve read all my posts (there are loads so not expecting you to have done!) but I have very first hand experience of this. My Dad died very suddenly when I was younger. It’s terribly unhealthy to live constantly expecting those you love to not be around tomorrow, even if you know that can sometimes be the case. That’s a trauma response.

My MIl said that we had ‘kept her apart from her GS for 9 months, I’ve been waiting for this day and you can’t take it away from me’ … when my son was about 4 hours old and we said I wasn’t up to visitors yet.
your mothers comments are a bit much.

mid also re-evaluate you’re no visitors stance. We did it with child number two but just for 4 days while we settled. You’ll look possessive rather than protective.

@Hadjab im so glad that worked for you and you had such a positive experience! It wouldn’t work for me. All I’m doing is the same as you - creating an environment that I’m happy with. I wouldn’t advise anyone to do anything they don’t want to.

Very naïve to think you will feel that way about your own child OP. Being a parent doesn't end when your kids grow up and get married, or have kids of their own.

You sound pretty insecure, for someone who seems proud to have worked out life and be so independent and certain about everything.

I must be quite a lot older than you, and I value the input of those people who’ve done things before me. I love it when I can learn something from another person who knows more than me, and I don’t feel it diminishes or undermines me at all, because I am confident in my own worth, even while I recognise that I don’t and can’t know everything about everything in life.

Your mother would not be able to steal your relationship with your child, and that could never be a danger. But if she is to be in your child’s life at all, then they will build their own relationship and rituals, their shared jokes and their love, quite apart from you. That is a great and positive addition to your child’s life, and something to be cherished. And it could never challenge your primacy in your child’s life.

Boundaries are good, and you are right to have them. But don’t make the mistake of confusing boundaries for either weapons or punishment.

Keeping everyone away for 3 weeks will have no impact on the bond you have with your baby. Your comments sound worse than your mother’s tbf. My mum would have been heartbroken if I’d have banned her from seeing her grandson after he was born Thats just cruel and extremely OTT and precious.

I would just wait and see before making firm plans OP. If there's one thing I have learnt about babies and children it's that they take your expectations, plans and what you know about yourself and set them on fire. Late pregnancy, birth and post birth periods aren't controllable - you don't always get autonomy and you may be setting yourself up for disappointment if those first few weeks aren't the nuclear calm family nest you are expecting. Good luck with it all!

As with many, many things in life, the ideas that we have often differ a great deal from the reality. OP - As this is your first child, I would imagine that you are picturing a 3 week blissful bonding period, with you, your new born and OH, and at the end of it you can emerge from your bubble fully-formed and proficient parents. As many who have been-there-done-it-bought-the-tshirt will tell you, it doesn't always work that way.... and when if comes to kids, life likes to turn the best laid plans on their head. Of course you are entitled to decline visitors, but just don't be surprised if you actually feel a little differently once your baby is here, and it's your reality rather than just a plan.

I love my Mum very much.

It doesn't sound it @greenvelvetcouch

Earlier on you said you didn't need to worry about 'keeping family on side' because you weren't needing childcare - as if that would be the driving reason to allow visits. Are all your relationships viewed so transactionally?

Your DM sounds like a narcissist, OP. Centring herself.
And erm... it might run in the family. 😶

@TaranThePigKeeper Im going to be a first time mum, and my husband a first time Dad. I think it’s normal to feel a little insecure about those first weeks, no? I’m excited and a little nervous to take on a whole new identity and learn all these new things about caring for a brand new person. We just want some space to do that together, as a team, without too much outside input.

I don’t think my mother is going to steal my relationship with my child!! That’s not a concern at all!

@saraclara this is a lovely post and I think sums up how my mum felt with my first baby; she really wasn’t the over anxious or emotional type either, and wasn’t expecting the depth of feelings at all!

She came to stay for two weeks the day after I had him, and watching her face the first time she met him and seeing her bond with him alongside us, were the best shared experiences my mum and I have ever had.

We've got this weird obsession in this culture these days of "our little family", and how we've got to guard it with our lives from incomers like... other family members. Humans aren't meant to raise children in bubbles of two parents and a baby - we're meant to enjoy support from a tribe, with both practical help and the wisdom of experience. Obviously there are exceptions with nightmare grandparents/aunts and uncles, but a mindshift from seeing those people as hostile invaders to cherishing those extended family connections will help you and your child far more than "banning" people from your presence for twenty days.

It just sounds like your at opposite ends of the spectrum. Your mum sounds dramatic but a ban on all visitors for weeks after having a baby is extreme and saying you felt SO instructive visiting your family and meeting your (I assume) niece or nephew after being invited is really bizarre.

OP - can I just ask one question. You're about to become a mother and will probably love this child like no other person in the world. How would you feel in 30 years time if your child has a child and they want to keep you away for several weeks. I think I would have the sense that I was someone who got in the way, who wasn't really seen as part of the family. It must be very sad when your own child makes you feel like this.

We are a family of women who tend towards melodrama, these readings are pretty accurate to be honest! Thank God we all chose to marry calm men, and my brother is the same way.

I think you're being a bit barmy. Let her come, don't let her take over. It's not that complicated. It's not like you cede all control if you let her visit for a cup of tea.

As for bonding with the baby - there are nice moments but there's also a lot of exhaustion and tedium and wiping up various fluids from all over the place. It's not always a magical wonderland.

I think you might change your mind on this in years to come - imagine you are expecting your second and want someone to look after your first while you're in hospital. Is mum good enough then? Do you ask her to look after your toddler but drop them at the door so she doesn't get to glimpse the newborn? It's all a bit precious.

A baby isn't a possession to be hoarded, it's a new person you look after but ultimately they're a part of the world and need to be introduced to it.

Haha l was thinking exactly this!!!

Hope you NEVER need help with childcare OP. Your poor mum.

@SallyWD I expect I would be very supportive. It wouldn’t cross my mind to be anything else. If my child wanted me to come and stay for two weeks I’d find it odd and be concerned about them that they felt so dependent on me at the age of 30.

Of course I might have a personality transplant but that’s how I feel right now! 30 years is a long time though.

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin As other posters have said - many people never do need help with childcare from their parents. Ours are too far away for this and I wouldn’t want it anyway. I want my Mum to be a Granny and not unpaid labour.

Ah ok, I’m that case I take back that bit.

I do still think you’d be creating more grief for yourself in the long run with a 2 wk blanket ban. Take control by all means but give a little and be flexible.

My FIL drives me crazy but I put up with visits because he is part of my DCs history and heritage and is from a different generation with lots to teach my DC. Yes, I have to supervise visits so he doesn’t expose to them to some more extreme views, but I don’t feel like it’s my place to deny them a relationship with him just because it doesn’t suit my world view/agenda. Tread carefully or your risk alienating your family unit.

I really don’t believe asking for no visitors for two weeks will alienate my family for the rest of our lives. I can see some people on here would never get over it, but I do feel that our families are not like that. I think it would be a sad thing to permanently fall out with your child about but that’s just me!

I need our close family to help and do the jobs like cook, make tea, take the dog for a quick run, so me and DH can focus on bonding with baby.

Interesting how many comments like these are popping up from people who describe the OP as selfish or narcissistic… Don’t see how treating your GPs as a postpartum housekeeping service is any more “loving”.