To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

It was your derisive comment saying that this was a ‘stupid’ way to think that I took issue with, I’m not saying it’s necessarily the healthiest outlook.

Your derision of people who follow a life’s too short mantra because they have missed opportunities to spend time with loved ones before it’s too late is what I find unpleasant. But also helps to explain why you can’t empathise with your mum in this situation.

Banning your mum for 3 weeks is so so strange.

You can be independent / not rely on others / be a good parent / have a calm bonding environment, and still have your mum over for a cuddle and a cuppa after you give birth.

That works two ways - it would be a sad thing to permanently fall out with your mother over, wouldn’t it?

What is wrong with the posters being absolute cunts to the OP? Are you all mothers of adult children at childbearing age or something, who are triggered at the thought of your own kids not being desperate for you to move in the picosecond your grandchildren are born?

I cannot understand why are some people on here are so threatened by a woman who is clear about her boundaries. I suspect they’d be the same posters to lay into a woman being ridden roughshod over by her extended family for not having boundaries. If I was bored I’d do some ASing. Alas, deadlines loom.

I’m still curious about the research that’s lead you to the belief that isolating yourself away from your families is beneficial

Op just take into account the primal fear your mother might go through especially if your Labour is difficult. I practically climbed over the cot to reach my precious daughter who was still quite poorly. I needed to hug her and see that she was ok.

I ended up having a very difficult birth and needed a LOT of help those first weeks. My partner was a huge huge help, but it was lovely having support more for his sake so he could also have a bit of a rest. Our parents were wonderful help cooking, cleaning, shopping. It was also so lovely to see how excited and full of love they were meeting their grandson. They never overstayed their welcome, popping by for quick visits only. Don’t shut them out, it’s an amazing experience for them also, but you don’t know how much help you could end up needing.

That sounds so sad. Do you love your mother at all?
It doesnt sound like you any idea what joy there can be in having a close, loving family

If you want her to be a granny, let her visit your baby !!

As a pp said when your child has their own baby, you might then understand how hurtful this is for her..

My mum is also a lonely widow and l had to set some boundaries when my dd was born - weren't as strict or mean as yours mind you, but that didn't mean they couldn't have a wonferful relationship.

All very well being independent but can also be a lonely place too.

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin She can visit the baby, just not in the first few weeks! People are acting like I’ve said no one can see the baby until they’re 1!

Do you not understand people and families are different? Generally I find much of MN "close loving family" scenarios to sound absolutely suffocating.

I know that so many things can go dramatically wrong in labour and there are no “plans” and that we might need a lot more practical help and support than we expect, but we are having the most planned labour possible. We know the date our baby will be born, my DH has a very generous 6 weeks off work. The plan is this won’t be so dramatic, although recovery will presumably be tricky and arduous and I understand many, many things can go wrong. I guess I’m just saying from our POV we have a very clear picture of what to expect, much more so than a lot of other labours.

(I know this is going to make lots of people say I’m naive again and, perhaps, but I promise we do know what we’re talking about and have taken medical advice.)

I can’t relate to either ‘banning’ or being ‘banned’ in the context of normal family relationships. My mum flew out to Africa when my ds was born and it was beautiful. Similarly my dil asked us to be in Turkey for the birth of dgd and I saw dgs by invitation on the day he was born. We don’t live in each other’s pockets at all but I have been available when asked to share in childcare.
OP be kind.

SunshineAndFizz · Today 14:33

Banning your mum for 3 weeks is so so strange.

You can be independent / not rely on others / be a good parent / have a calm bonding environment, and still have your mum over for a cuddle and a cuppa after you give birth.

Isn't the whole point that she fears she cant? If she had no worries there would probably be no talk of a "ban". It is the fact that OP can't trust her mum to be fully reasonable and respectful of boundaries that has lead to the 3 week ban idea to draw a clear line in the sand.

I don't have much to add but that it is wonderful that you are so clear on your boundaries and so calm i your responses. We are all different afterall. You may change your mind, you may not but I love a woman who won't be bullied into things she doesn't want to do and who can follow her own mind. Good luck with everything!

I think I’d be disappointed at not meeting a grandchild for 5 weeks - probably more upset than traumatised. I think I could forgive her language here. Though it sounds like she may be underestimating the impact on your DSis.

I couldn’t wait to introduce my children to my parents and MiL. They were equally excited about the addition to the family. Both times my parents visited within the first 24 hours while I was still in hospital. And MIL visited for 2 weeks when DS1 was 2 weeks old, and visited for 3 weeks when DS2 was born (she actually picked us up from hospital). I was fortunate that they all just chipped in with what was necessary and I had no shame in going to bed during the day if needed or breastfeeding in front of them. I think it all contributed to a very strong relationship with between grandparents and grandchildren - despite a 500 mile distance from MIL. Neither my DPs or MIL are with us now and I look back at those times with fondness and gratitude that they got to have time with my children as newborns.

TaranThePigKeeper · Today 14:33

That works two ways - it would be a sad thing to permanently fall out with your mother over, wouldn’t it?

I OPs mum can't respect her daughter's desire for a few weeks of rest and recovery with her hubby and baby without a permanant fall out then it's probably best to go NC right now.

You're clearly not close to your mum even though you say you are. The way you talk about her is crazy to me, as someone who is definitely close to my mum.
I've had 2 children, my mum was right there next to me both times. My sister had a baby this week and my mum was there for her too.
I can't even fathom not wanting my mum to meet my baby as soon as humanly possible. I can't wrap my head around it.
Obviously people have different relationships with parents but to say you're close with her but don't want her there for 3 weeks just don't compute.

I personally would have found 3 weeks alone just me, DH and our new baby so bloody boring! And I love my family and wanted to share our joy with them.

If my sister now had said I couldn't have met my beautiful niece for 3 weeks I would have been devastated. They were in hospital for 2 days with no visitors and that was hard enough.

Why is everyone jumping on op if she wants people to stay away from her and her new baby for 2-3 weeks?

Fuck visitors. They can wait. The first few weeks are the best. No one is entitled to see the baby. Not even grandparents. They can wait. Its not about them.

I don’t see what having visits from extended family would bring us?

You class your own mother as extended family? You sound painful. What exactly is wrong with you and your partner that makes you think anyone else meeting your baby within the first 2-3 weeks will disrupt your bonding? Why do you think a visit from Granny will stop you bonding?

Yeah this^.

I agree about your DM being a bit OTT but it might just be her way of dealing with it.

OTOH you sound like you might have Co trol issues. And you will definitely want to show your newborn off before three weeks old.

Amateur psychologist here, sounds like you're missing your dad a lot still and idolising him/trying to emulate him as far as possible. His way was "the right way" and anyone else is wrong/weak/less good. Unfortunately he's not here so you can't see how he'd actually react to this (rather than how you imagine/think he'd react). But with your mum having a habit of making things all about her (I have one, it's tedious at times i know) I can see why you take refuge in trying to be more like the other parent.

The fact is though (sorry to say this as I know you know) you don't know how your dad would react to knowing you were having a baby, or the prospect of not seeing it for the first few irreplaceable weeks. Maybe he would be a lot more fussed than you think and his drive to make you "independent" wouldn't go as far as encouraging you to isolate yourselves during this period.

I agree with others that you do sound quite unusual (especially saying things like "I’ll be very excited to introduce our baby to our families when we’re ready, not as a desperate attempt to make them feel important." Do you do much for other people?) but I think in this case you'll be best off in the long run striking a balance. How would you feel about e.g. having pop-in visitors a few days after you come home, and then inviting your mum for a proper visit (ideally staying elsewhere if that's what you want) after 3 weeks. I think that's very reasonable. It's the "first sight" that seems to be an issue here so if you can get that out of the way fairly soon after so she can picture the baby and knows you're ok, I think you've then struck a balance and can happily have the next couple of weeks alone if that's what you want.

You’re thinking of banning grandparents from seeing your newborn for 2/3 weeks

this makes me appreciate my daughter wanting me around and her MIL to help and get to meet baby

"We aren’t expecting any childcare or practical help from our extended families so it’s not a case of having to keep them on side."

I don't understand this part of your posts?

Disturbed is too big word for this situation. She's just being silly with saying that baby is traumatised. She is. Ignore it and don't make any serious decisions before you're actually pregnant. It might turn out you are going to need your mum to help you out while your husband is back to work. No point being so strict. If you feel like banning visits for 2-3 weeks, I am sure you can work out some gentle way of saying it.