To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

I’d forget anyone commenting on your own viewpoint (if an early meeting with your mum isn’t important to you, mumsnet’s not going to change your mind.)

But I would just take a minute to reflect on this from your mum’s viewpoint. I think most of us would agree that most grandparents are very excited about the births of their grandchildren and want to meet their grandchildren quickly. I think lots of people look forward to it and expect it and I don’t think that’s out of the ordinary in the majority of family situations. Your mum is clearly one of these people, hence her (admittedly ott but still valid) response to the birth of your niece. I’m not saying invite her down for the birth and then have her sleeping on your sofa for the first few weeks of the baby’s life. But for the sake of your mum, maybe just sacrifice one day of that bubble period to have her over for some cuddles. I’d give up a day of what I wanted to do to save my mum huge hurt and bring her joy. I honestly can’t imagine preferring to cause hurt just so I could have an extra day of privacy. Think how sad your mum was when she couldn’t see your niece out of necessity. I think you risk damaging your relationship significantly by choosing not to share even a small part of this experience with her.

Thanks for answering my question with a highly realistic and likely scenario…

Again. Not all boundaries are equal. Some are sensible, some are not. Some are reasonable, some cause hurt. Some are safe, some are risky.

OP asked if she was unreasonable. Some of us are simply saying why she might be.

if the op doesn't want OPINIONS then she's quite allowed to not post on a discussion board. I isn't an echo chamber. And she's quite capable of dismissing any opinions she disagrees with. No one is telling OP what she HAS to do.

I just cannot believe all these women who will ban their own mother from seeing their new baby for a month or whatever ? It is utterly callous. I know how so many feel about MILs as they are" third class"but your own mother FGS?

You sound very OTT. I’m exciting that my DM is coming to stay for a few days when baby arrives. She is a great mother and I know she will be very supportive - cook/clean/give advice/provide support. I wonder what way you will actually be feeling after 3 weeks locked at home just you and your DH and a newborn.

Do you not understand one size does not fit all?

Thankfully geographic constraints meant neither my mother nor my mother-in-law pitched up until several months afterwards , so no "bans" were needed but I absolutely did not want either of them turning up immediately after the birth.

I really wouldn't read too much into it, I think grandparents can love their grand children as hard as their own children. As others have said have some empathy for your mum

@Jenny70 I think this is a huge part of it actually! Both DM and MIL have grandchildren already and I they’re very confident/used to babies, and I don’t want to feel undermined in us learning our way around caring for our child, even if they’re being helpful or with good intentions. I’d rather ask for advice if we need it rather than have it given to us in those early days.

Thanks for the advice!

OP first confirmed it at 12.10 on the first page.
God help her and her baby 🤷‍♀️

They’d have to bring their own hot meal if they do come?? After a long drive? Will your DH have lost the ability to cater/rustle up a quick snack for them or call Deliveroo?? Honestly, your posts are sounding more and more extreme.

i didn’t want too much fuss in the early days either but I did want others to share in the joy. And it was actually a relief to nip off and do something for myself for 5 mins when a visitor came to hold and coo over the baby. I’d have been bored stupid if I’d had just my baby and DH to look at for 2 weeks!

This is one of the stupidest comments I’ve ever seen online.

This sounds like a very unhappy and unhealthy way to view life!

@Ohmybod no of course not! I was responding to someone saying grandparents are useful because they can visit and bring hot meals and the like for us, and I was saying that’s not really possible due to proximity.

I think the Woman's Hour episode abput grandparents feelings towards their grandchildren was this one...

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0513bvj

I also meant to add that there is evidence/research that children who spend time in their grandparents care benefit, psychologically, in adult years. Always thought that was fascinating too.

@Yamyam13 ah thank you for this! I LOVE Woman’s Hour so will definitely give this a listen, I really appreciate you finding it for me!

So you consider your own mother to be extended family to you? How will you feel if your child grows up and says that to you? That you're nothing but an inconvenience to them?

You sound awfully cold, transactional and your distain for your mother is palpable. I needed my mum so much in those early days of parenthood.

You sound horrible. Unless there's a big back story if wanting to keep your family at arms length, I feel very sorry for your poor mum.

I can’t imagine people who’ve actually lived through a scenario like this would call it stupid.

In light of the last few years I think lots of people are thinking a bit more like this actually. Not necessarily in a morbid way, but more in a ‘life’s too short to put things off’ kind of way. I certainly know people who regret not seeing people when they could, and then never seeing them again. Not saying this is a reason to change your mind on this, but maybe don’t be quite so dismissive.

OP, you’re a drama llama, but it’s easy to see who made you like this 🤦🏻‍♀️

You have to do what’s right for you and your partner OP but do it with sensitively and kindness. My parents lived a three hour drive away when I had my first. They came down to the hospital on the day the baby was born to see and hold her. They then went home and came down four weeks later to stay with us for a few days and help as much as they could. That worked perfectly for us as I couldn’t have coped with visitors for the first few weeks due to a number of postnatal conditions. The needs of the mother and baby come first and I believe other people including grandparents, must be sensitive to this.

Banning family, unless they are hugely toxic or abusive is just sad. No wonder the world is in a state when people want to keep those who brought them into the world away from them at precious times. Births, weddings, Christmas, school plays. I see people on here all the time laying down these rules about keeping family away. Then people complain about not having family support or a ‘tribe’ to help when things are hard.
I have a very difficult relationship with Mil and my mum at times but my kids love them benefit hugely from being close. I can’t imagine keeping them away from new borns, it’s such a time of intense joy for the whole family.

@coconuthead where have I said my Mum is only an inconvenience? That’s not true.

Also, I said earlier that I hope one day my child grows up and has their own life and own family (a person who loves them, and maybe their own children if they want them) and I am an extended family member to them! I love my Mum very much but that doesn’t preclude me prioritising my own immediate family.

Only on mn have I come across the idea of banning loved family members from meeting a new baby. I loved sharing my excitement of our newborn with my family. Less so with inlaws but I still supported them coming to meet their new grandchild. I can’t imagine the pain lock down caused for those families who couldn’t meet a new born or hold them. Such a special moment stolen by the pandemic. I think it’s okay to be sad about that. Many people will never hold a new born once theirs have grown so I do think it’s a precious honour for a grandparent.

PFB alert

@Cap89 absolutely.