To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

Yes. I don't understand that either.

@Mischance I’m so sorry to hear you lost your husband. I really really feel for you. Your post was really poignant and interesting, I appreciate it. Food for thought.

My mum came to stay when my first was born. It was brilliantly reassuring at a time when I was doing something I’d never done before, and she (by definition) had.

I was discharged from hospital within 8 hours of baby number 2 and we went straight to the in-laws, who had been looking after our then toddler. I was so happy to share my joy with people I loved.

The idea of pushing close family away at such a time seems very strange. I’d also say that it’s good not to get fixed ideas of “how it’s going to be” before you’re actually doing it. If you have a very set mindset and something prevents it from being that way (quite likely) then you are setting yourself up for disappointment about something that should be precious, whatever happens. Nothing wrong with having some idea about how you want it to be, but allow yourself the realization that it might go completely differently.

I think you're coming at it from a slightly different POV than most people.

Most people want to show their new baby to their Mothers. The moment my Mum saw my first son (also the first grandchild) is one that remains close to my heart. She didn't want to take over, or tell me what to do, she just wanted to see me and her grandchild.

I am pregnant too OP and cannot understand your POV at all! It seems very extreme. 2 - 3 weeks is a long time. I know my family and in laws would be very hurt if I tried to do this, but anyway I don't want to. I need our close family to help and do the jobs like cook, make tea, take the dog for a quick run, so me and DH can focus on bonding with baby (also find it very weird you consider your own mother to be extended family)... The only thing I want is the first night I come home from hosp to ourselves but even at that I know we might not get it.

This!

One of my dearest memories of DD's early days was being able to introduce her to my closest family and then friends. I'd had a CS after a long induction and my mum was so supportive it really helped, esp when DH had to go to work (paternity leave wasn't the norm then.) She traveled for ages on public transport to come and spend the day with me, cooking, cleaning, giving me time to sleep and - when other family visited - being the one who made the tea and coffee and checking when I wanted them to leave.

My parents and sister visited me the very next day in hospital, MIL the day after. II have photographs of my parents, my siblings and PILs/BIL all with DD in her first week or two and they are a pleasure to look back on and see that unconditional love from them being directed to DD. FIL was in hospital when she was born and didn't see her for 5 days as a result - he was over the moon to be sent pictures in hospital and he asked to visit the day he was released from the ward.

She was the first grandchild on both sides and she'd been a long time coming after difficulties with fertility and a miscarry They were all so keen
to see her and, although would have abided by any restrictions/ban if I'd has asked, would have also been upset and hurt by it I am quite sure.

I can't imagine shutting out my family especially from those first few days. I was desperate to 'show her off' to those that would love her the most, after me and DH.

The whole banning visitors is something I have only known on Mumsnet. I heard one colleague suggest it when she was pregnant but by the time she was due to give birth she had changed her mind entirely.

I didn’t have any visits from my side of the family till my babies were weeks old they all live abroad and couldn’t get back, I hated it I would have given anything to share my little family with my mum and dad and siblings. You sound a joy & very precious. The apple didn’t fall far from the over the top tree did it 😂

I don't know about @Badger1970 but I'm quote a bit from my previous post

Your daughter giving birth is a massive thing. I didn't realise quite how massive, until mine went into labour, to be honest. I was so anxious for her and the baby (and I'm not normally like that).

While I'd never say anything, and I'd have to respect it, if she'd said that I couldn't see her and the baby for three weeks, I'd have found it incredibly hard. On a really primal level, I needed to see them both and know that they were okay.

I do, however, think your mum was being over dramatic with her response about being traumatised over not seeing your sister's baby so soon, especially as the little one was in hospital and it was covid. She sounds dismissive of your sister's trauma and someone should have spoken to her about that.

But I still have a feeling that she doesn’t want to connect with the emotional complexities of her children, and I don’t want her to do the same thing when I have my baby

I have similar issues with my DM. I would gently suggest that you might want to talk through with your therapist whether a 3 week 'ban', and treating your DM like any other visitor, is really setting a boundary, or tips over into a punishment

It's so extreme to ban visits from close family when you get on well. The days and nights can be long and boring with a new baby. You really don't need to be alone with your baby 24 hours a day in order to bond, that's very intense. I was desperate to see people after a couple of days, and of course it's so special seeing your DP meet the baby for the first time. Of course they are excited and want to meet them! It doesn't make any difference to the baby, sure, but to be fair, it's months before babies 'care' where they are or who they are with - it doesn't mean we don't do anything with them.

37 days will have felt a very long time to your DM if the baby was in NICU. I was in hospital with DD for a week due to minor problems, and it felt like forever. I'm sure my mum was worrying even though she had been to visit.

I don’t know what you’ve been ‘researching’ but the more people who love and invest in a child the better their long term outcomes

no one can stop you closing down your family unit if that’s what you choose but I can tell you that once my baby was here I really wanted to people who will feature in her life to meet her and start implanting their smell and voice in her memories so they feel comfortable and familiar to her.

no one knows what the future holds.
were something to happen to you and dh your children will need their ‘extended’ family to fall back on. Laying down solid foundations for those relationships is very valuable.

OP, I say this with love, you sound like I used to be. Fiercely independent to the point of detriment, though I couldn’t see that at all. I wore my self-sufficiency as a badge of honour, but outwardly I just came across as cold and detached. My own family found me difficult, though they would never have dared tell me!

Thank heavens they persevered (though they give DH all the credit for my mellowing 😆). We rely on them very little, maybe 2 or 3 times in my 5 and 7 year olds lives have we actually really needed them for emergencies, but having them in our lives and our DC’s lives is joyful and not at all suffocating.

There’s a happy medium to be had here. It’s not suffocating vs total ban.

The best advice I can give is don't plan too much or be too rigid in your expectations for those first few weeks. Every birth is different and you have no idea how you'll react. You may want to be left alone but you really might value having your mum or sister with you, time will tell 💐

Both you and your mum sound self-obsessed tbh.

Your mum has made your sister's experience all about her. Claiming to be traumatised was just fucking ridiculous and displays poor self awareness.

And you seem to think that the only value in people meeting your newborn is if you need to keep them on side for some reason, or they are doing something of use to you. Your DM will have her own relationship with your baby which develops over the years. Drawing reasonable boundaries regarding visits is one thing, but banning visits for a few weeks is unnecessary.

What do you think will happen when people have a second child and both parents can't just sit and stare at the baby for weeks? I think expecting people to come and take over everything else so you and your DH can sit with the baby solidly is just as extreme as OP's refusal to let anyone near her baby. YOur DH can bond with the baby and make a cup of tea for you. Depending on when you're on your feet again, baby can go on a walk with the dog.

You both seem obsessed that BONDING means that you must sit and hold / stare at / touch your baby every moment otherwise your bond won't be how its meant to be.

I get you want to bond. But equally first babies are traumatic and it's a huge learning curve. If you have someone that would help, house work or cuddle baby so you can sleep or shower then use them. Take the help. By the time baby is born you'll probably be the most tired you've ever been in your life and possibly recovering from surgery. Yet you're at the same time given a tiny human to look after, one the likely won't sleep unless being cuddled and walked around. It'll scream for several hours a day and a few months later you'll really know what sleep deprivation is.
As someone's said above don't over complicate life with unnecessary rules.

What is it about allowing a few weeks of private time for your DD that would be so heartbreaking, if you’re all going to meet eventually anyway?

We're never guaranteed that.

Can you explain your last sentence a bit more to those of us who’ve never had grandkids? What is it about allowing a few weeks of private time for your DD that would be so heartbreaking, if you’re all going to meet eventually anyway? Especially assuming your DD would also be heartbroken at having her wishes for privacy dismissed/discounted by her own mother?
The PP can be heartbroken without making it into a drama or going against her childs wishes. It surely can't be that hard to understand that most people love their kids more than anyone else and therefore to be deliberately excluded from their moment of discovering that love, because you're not important enough in their life to share it, would be painful? And my kids are 2 and 7 so no grandkids here.

It's saying "you arent allowed near my child for three weeks because you'll SPOIL it by your very prescence, we don't need you and we don't want you"

quite. imagine banning everyone for a month only to have your parent / grandparent pass away three weeks after the birth.

OP, your mum's wording does sound OTT but I think her sentiment would be shared by many grandmothers.

There was once a really fascinating Woman's Hour episode about grandmothers and their relationship to their grandchildren, and many grandmothers in different situations spoke.
As someone who finds my own mother sometimes a bit overbearing in regards to my child, I found it incredibly insightful and helpful, and it has made me much more empathetic towards her.

They echoed what a PP said, that it took them by susprise how animal their maternal instinct was to the grandchildren. As if they were their own baby.

In terms of your plans to ban visitors. As I said, I can find my mum a bit overbearing and am very independent but after a very traumatic & long birth both my DH and I were actually so pleased to hear she'd driven across London without our knowledge, and was waiting in the car park of the hospital with fresh fruit, food from M&S, a huge load of fresh baby grows from Mothercare etc.

I agree it's important (for some of us) to limit visitors in those early weeks, but ypur own mum/parents is different. It really will be nice and helpful, if you can keep the visits short and sweet and useful!
I know you said they live a bit far for short visits so I guess part of why you're wary?

SleepingStandingUp · Today 13:51

quite. imagine banning everyone for a month only to have your parent / grandparent pass away three weeks after the birth.

Imagine going on the internet with the sole purpose of trying to make a woman doubt herself for wishing to set boundaries.

When our first child was born, we asked family not to plan to visit (they were a long distance away and would be staying with us) for a 1-2 weeks. I was recovering from a c/s, my husband was off work - he wasn't very confident with babies and I knew if we had our mother(s) close by, he'd step back from anything hands on.
Once he was back at work, then the visits started, which was lovely to have company and to show off baby, as you feel so proud and think they are the most beautiful baby in history. And he'd had time to get confident holding baby, changing baby and bathing etc.
OP, maybe that argument might keep family a bit at bay, but not come across as exclusionary/hurtful?

This. I really do not understand this banning of relatives that seems a popular trend nowadays.

Before having children I was going to never let them have sweets or chocolate or watch tv (in the early years).

I also wanted a natural birth and no pain relief ideally!

Ha ha I look back now and realise how naive and pretentious I was!!