To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

@momtoboys A lot of people on Mumsnet (and I’ve had comments on this thread) like to say “when you need childcare you’ll regret this!” etc. so I was just confirming that we don’t have that need, so people don’t need to think we’re taking advantage. And yet people still said it!

Ha ha ha ha famous last words. You have no clue what to expect, take off your rose tinted glasses and cop on. Banning visits for 3 weeks and grandparents have no right to their grandchildren, you sound very very very cold and a little bit weird to be honest.

Be interesting to see how it all pans out.

@EnterACloud I love a bit of a amateur psychology, I often dabble myself!

I think there’s some truth to some of your takes on my Dad and my relationship with my Mum. I’ll think on those. It’s obviously impossible to ever know things for sure but I am very certain he wouldn’t have minded respecting our boundaries, but that’s not that important.

I’ll think about a balance. I might try and have a discussion with my sister or sister in law about their takes on it to be honest and see if they think mothers should get a short visit in the first week or so. My sister is usually very honest with me!

I really appreciate this, thank you!

Poor baby. You’re coming across very naive and controlling OP. There is no prize for being stubbornly independent and restrictive. You are clearly not close to your Mum, or there is some underlying issue you are not fully addressing. Nobody who is close to their mother would treat them like this. Setting strict rules before you’ve even had your child and know what it takes to raise one is just silly, you are making a rod for your own back. When you need help - which you will - don’t expect people to come running if this is how you treat them.

Parenting is hard. I am very independent and have so far loved the newborn journey but I wouldn’t be having half as much fun if it weren’t for the support of my friends and family. Love doesn’t dilute if shared around - so surround your baby with as much love as possible, not just yours.

I get so much joy from watching the close bond my children have with aunts, uncles and grandparents. They gain so much from these loving adults in their lives. Why you'd deny that is baffling to me

Because people are different. Families are different. What is so difficult to understand about that? Not everyone lives in your cosy little world.

This sounds like a plan. I'd also think about it in terms of a long-term cost/benefit analysis for everyone.

Pros of your mum having a short visit early on:

• she gets to meet the baby, potentially a nice experience for all


• prevents her complaining for the next umpteen years about being kept away


• could be practical help for you even if it's only holding the baby while you have a shower for example


• you get a hug from your mum after a hugely stressful experience


• gets the grandparent/parent/child relationship off to a positive start


• some (albeit short) disruption to your bonding/routine


• potential for her to upset you with some melodrama


• not sure what else but you'll know what you fear happening

There is research showing that people laugh at jokes more when other people are around - if you watch a standup bit on Netflix by yourself, you can find it amusing, but you’re more likely to find it truly hilarious if you’re watching it with friends. Laughing is possible alone, but it is primarily social.

I’ve found parenting (especially babies and not-yet-very-verbal toddlers) to be similar. Yes, the moments bonding alone can be lovely, but the greatest, most uplifting joy always came from watching my babies alongside my parents. I swear, they were cuter when the GPs were around. 😝

All that aside, as many PPs have pointed out, new parenthood can be totally overwhelming. My midwife always said “a newborn is a three person job”. I thought she was a bit OTT until I was faced with trying to complete my first post-labour bowel movement. I was crying on the toilet and trying to do all the same controlled breathing as in labour. I ended up nearly passing out from the pain. I needed my DH to come help me stay upright, and get me back to bed. Meanwhile the baby was SHRIEKING in her bassinet. Had my mum not been there to pick her up, our options would have been a) letting a 3-day-old “cry-it-out” for 20 minutes, or b) having my DH tend to the baby while I lay crumpled on the bathroom floor, covered in blood. Yup… 3 person job!!!

I agree with this. You’re coming across as very dramatic.
it’s a baby.
Do what you want.
I feel sorry for DGPs whose children suddenly become dramatic without good reason.

You’ll have a newborn. That’s not exactly a calm situation. Fair enough that you won’t be feeling or looking your best but banning your own DM for three weeks for no reason?

In my experience, the new mother's who struggle the most emotionally, are those who feel they must control things, and have set plans of how things should be. This includes rigid birth plans too. I honestly think, given your family norms and geography don't make frequent visits likely, that allowing a very early visit, would avoid a lot of problems and upset. You are much more likely to get your calm bonding time this way. GM will be hopefully be happy, and go home, knowing she can visit again in a few weeks,and maybe get some whatsapp/telephone updates to keep her going. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. People care.

@greenvelvetcouch - fwiw I seem to be reading your OP completely differently to everyone else.

I read that your mum is dismissing your sister's trauma (by saying she's fine) but highlighting (possibly exaggerating) how she (your mum) feels - I read that and felt that she was being very over dramatic and may have the tendency to make other similar situations all about her (instead of the people directly involved).

(I had a baby on NICU and whilst I appreciated other people were affected by this, I found it really unhelpful when they expected us to emotionally support them - we were only just holding it together as it was).

When I had a baby I saw very few people for 2-3 weeks as I really struggled (traumatic labour/birth, medical complications afterwards etc etc). I had 2 visitors in hospital who stayed for 30 minutes, then saw no one else until we were ready. The idea of having someone who would come along and make it all about them (as I wonder if your mum would), or even someone who wanted to be there with us all the time (as your mum might if she lives some distance away) would have horrified me and I would have found it suffocating too.

Congratulations by the way! I hope everything works out well for you all.

but again you are making this about you and not about your daughter

OP, I think you are either very misguided (that is the kindest explanation) or just plain inconsiderate to want to 'ban' a grandparent from seeing their new grandchild for that length of time.

I agree with the quoted post.

Many people are delighted to introduce baby to family asap. I have lots of neices and nephews, cousins children, friends children and I waited patiently to see all of them but it was never long til parents happy for a visit.

I took my second child to meet 4 of my friends for coffee within the first week.

You might need time and space, and that is absolutely fine. But good chance you won't. And if you are struggling you'll probably want support/company from your close family.

It is strange your mum doesnt notice your sister needs to talk when you and her dh can. Your mum can notice her own struggle with the newborn stage but not your sister's - that is weird. I think it must have been hard for grandparent not to meet grandchild for so long. But much harder for the parents.

We aren’t expecting any childcare or practical help from our extended families so it’s not a case of having to keep them on side

Do you think most people only allow the grandparents to visit because they want them to help with childcare? What a bizarre view. Lots of families spend time together entirely voluntarily, not just to gain something.

and again @Badger1970 this is about YOU and what would break your heart, not about what the Mum wants!

Banning your own mother for three whole weeks is cruel. I mean, if you get on well, as you say. Tell her you need a few days.

Same here - my lovely MIL came the same day, my DPs lived many miles away so only met my dc when they were a few months old. SIL and BIL and their dc all came pretty soon after birth - all of my DC are now adults and remain close to their GPs, aunts, uncles and cousins.

I agree with OP, and sorry you're getting so much stick!

It's your decision on whether to have visitors or not in those first few weeks and that includes family. It's your baby, not theirs. You may appreciate the help but you may also find it intrusive. Only you would know what's best for you.

It's absolutely unhealthy when grandmothers become obsessed over grandkids and feel like it's their god given right to be a surrogate mother. As soon as my mum became a grandmother to my nephew, I was cast aside like the childless waste of space I am and all she could say was 'but I'm a GRANDMOTHER'. It's toxic.

You do you and focus on what's best for your future family.

We aren’t expecting any childcare or practical help from our extended families so it’s not a case of having to keep them on side how charmingly transactional. I hope your relationship with your child isn't so dependent on how they can benefit you.

Also remember, irrespective of what you want out of your family relationships, the more people your child has to love them the better.

We had the "we don't want visitors for 2 weeks after the birth" drivel from our daughter. We just shrugged our shoulders and adopted the "grace to accept the things I cannot change" position. Within 4 days they messaged to ask if we wanted to meet the little one. They were bored and wanted to show her off.

We're also a few hours drive away, and when the baby was 6 weeks old our daughter required surgery and an extended period of convalescence, so she came here for nearly 4 months. Never say never OP.

Thank you for this; and for accepting an alternative viewpoint with a good grace - another good lesson from which your children will benefit.

@greenvelvetcouch I agree with you completely.

Your mum is crackers, it's not about her and she should be reminded of this a lot!

Your mother sounds self-absorbed but your attitude about women who aren't "Independent" because they need their mother after having a baby, is a little naive I think. It was normal in human history for women to have the support of other women, especially their mothers, after having a child. Having a baby makes you vulnerable, physically, emotionally, even financially, and other women are the ones who have been through it. No man has been through the experience of having given birth to a child and all that entails. You are predicting that your husband will step up and be your support but it's possible he will find himself overwhelmed by the experience.

Newborn babies are different. Meeting a newborn baby is really, really special, and I can see why a grandmother would want to be there. After a few days they turn into "regular" babies, and they are still precious but there's a certain something to being there in those first days when they are looking around and everything they see is new to them. You will get most of that as the mother, but it would be nice for your mother to get a little of it too.

That said, newborn babies sleep a lot. After a couple months they "wake up" and interact more, start smiling, look chubby and cute, etc. So there will be lots of adorable moments your mother can share with the baby after the first month.

I think it's a little strange that your mother thinks it was fine for the baby to be separated from its own mother in NICU, but that what's traumatising for the baby is being away from its grandmother. There is something a little unnerving about that attitude. I don't think you are wrong to want to have some boundaries. Especially if she lives a 6 hour drive away, it would be easy for you to permit her to "pop around" to meet the baby for an overnight, and her end up being there for a week because, having brought some luggage, she effectively has possession of your spare bedroom. And if she is the overbearing type, that could be very stressful. You do hear about grandmothers who keep grabbing the baby from the mother and won't give it back, and you don't want to be in that situation.

But the idea that you need 3 weeks of uninterrupted time to bond as a nuclear family is somewhat overkill, in my opinion.