Scattering of ashes... am I being selfish?

[Hamsternautss]

My dad died in extremely tragic circumstances nearly 2 months ago resulting in his life support being removed, he was cremated a month ago. He was only 62 and I was his only daughter.

My dad used to take me on holiday almost every year to a specific place growing up. We did go to other places but this place was his absolute favourite place in the world. When he died there was no question in my mind where I would scatter his ashes.

Fast forward a few weeks since his funeral and his foster brother called me today and asked me to let him know when I will be scattering his ashes at this place as he would like to come too. He caught me on the spot and I just said I'd be in touch.

My dad and his foster brother were not especially close, lots of years with no contact and very sporadic when there was. But my dad did think a lot of him and they had a mutual respect for each other. I've met him twice in my life, one time including the funeral.

He has completely caught me off guard with this one as I had envisioned doing the scattering on my own as that how it always was with dad growing up; just me and him. No one else has requested to come along to scatter, not even his blood brothers one of which who he was closest to.

I really wanted this final moment with what's left of him by myself to say what I wanted to say and now I feel like I'm going to have to share it with someone I hardly know. I won't be able to say everything I want or cry how I need to. He put me on the spot and I didn't have a clue to say how i was just hoping to do it alone.

I feel selfish for wanting to have this moment for my own and now I don't know how to back track without really offending him. We are on very different wavelengths and he is very religious. I likely will probably never see him again otherwise but I wouldn't know how to backtrack. He didn't even ask if he could come, just wanted me to tell him when. Aibu??

Tell him exactly what you've put here. You're very sorry but he caught you off guard and your head was still muddled with grief but you would like to have this moment alone with your father when scattering his ashes.

So sorry for your loss.
It would be kinder to include him if you could. My mum never let any of us have a say or be involved in my Dad's ashes being scattered. She also never let us have his things. It was like she thought she owned him, and that none of us kids mattered.
Maybe others would be interested if you asked them, so it wouldn't be so weird just being you and him? Also just because he is a foster brother only, doesn't mean he doesn't feel real grief.

Could you provide him with some of the ashes to spread on his own? That's what happened with my stepfather when he passed away, as there was estrangement between two sides of his family.

I would probably not contact him again to be honest. Like you say, you aren't close, won't see each other again or stay in contact. Go and scatter your Dad's ashes alone as planned. He was at the funeral so had had the opportunity to say goodbye.

It's a nice idea that he probably assumed you would want people at but you need to grieve as you need. It would be different if they had been very close. Don't contact him again, when he contacts just say you've decided to keep the ashes for the foreseeable future and you will let him know if you decide to scatter them. No hurt feelings.

If you're not going to see him again then there is no harm in sending him a message to say what you've said on here op. I can understand your feelings op.

It's not selfish at all. If it were me, I'd scatter the ashes before getting back in touch, then say something like "I'm so sorry, I couldn't quite find the right words when you called to let you know I've already scattered the ashes" then tell him everything you've said here about how important it was to you that you did it by yourself. If you scatter them before you speak to him, he won't be able to put any pressure on you.

Firstly, my condolences on your loss. I lost my dad very suddenly, so I know how painful it is.

Could you get there early, and have some quiet time, on your own, thinking about your dad, @Hamsternautss? Then your dad’s foster brother could join you for the actual scattering? Would that be a compromise that you’d be OK with?

If not, maybe suggest to your dad’s foster brother that he comes after you have scattered the ashes (if you explain why it matter to you that you scatter the ashes alone, I hope he would understand), and maybe the two of you could plant something there, in memory of your dad. That way he would be a part of it, but you could do the part that matters most to you, on your own.

Oh tough one he has been his brother maybe not blood but I would also inform his other brothers and let them know I do think its highly selfish but also understand he is your dad too maybe scatter yourself a few privately and the rest with his loved ones

I'd rather not split his ashes, I don't really like the idea of splitting them and I'd like him all in the same place.

I appreciate he is feeling real grief too, but like I mentioned it's just the fact I hardly know him because of the fact that after childhood he and my dad seldom saw eachother. He didn't attend dad's wedding for example.

No one else has mentioned being interested in the scattering of ashes, his other brothers know where they are going but just don't feel the need to come along. They aren't hugely sentimental like that and now he is dead that's it sort of thing.

If he does contact you again over it and you feel too upset to get into a potential disagreement, just say you have decided to keep his ashes for the time being.

I agree with this.
Everyone will have an opinion on what to do, with whom and when. But it is you who has to do what feels best for you.

Be kind, but be kind to yourself first.

Can you get one of your Uncles to talk to him?

what do you think your dad would have wanted? If the foster brother is very religious then it will mean a lot to him. You could scatter a few and say what you want to say before the brother came then the rest when he arrives so they would all be in the same place.

I am sorry for your loss.

I think in this situation I would be as honest as you can be with him -- I don't think that lying that you plan to hold onto the ashes for now, nor ghosting him, are reasonable.

I think it is not reasonable to exclude him from the scattering of the ashes, but it is reasonable to explain that you had envisioned spending time with your father alone and that you are a blindsided by his suggestion which you did not expect. Even if to him, he knew your dad well, to you he is a stranger and this is an important moment for you.

You might be able to come to some compromise, such as you spending some time alone and him joining you after, or him holding onto some of the ashes and scattering them at the same spot later. You might feel more comfortable if a friend joins the two of you to support you. He might respect your wishes and visit the spot later; he might have another suggestion.

Someone understanding will see your perspective and the two of you will figure something out.

Sorry for your loss.

I think that the only people who really need to be considered are the partner and children of the deceased. Their wishes should supersede anyone else’s. So I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to do this alone, assuming there are no partners / other children in the picture. I certainly wouldn’t be changing what I want to do for a father’s sibling / foster sibling.

It is perfectly reasonable to explain, as you have here, that you want the final moments alone when you scatter the ashes. Take a photo of the place where you did it and send it to him afterwards so that he can visit the spot. I did this for someone after scattering my father's ashes

He may see itge scattering as a formality and another event that the whole family is due to attend rather than something so personal and tied to your processing of your grief. I would explain to him what you've said here as he may not even realise that he is the only one to have asked and how personal this is to you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad, my Dad died suddenly too, it's very very difficult. Xx

I don't know what I'd do. What do you think your Dad would have wanted you to do?

It’s a very difficult position for you to be in. I would think your uncles would be glad to support you and speak to him on your behalf, to save you the awkwardness.

Sending you condolences OP.

OP I don't think you should make anything up. It will come back on you later.

I think if you want to do this alone and thats important to you, you should be able to do it alone. You have to explain and be honest to this man. With the best will in the world your feelings come first. You need to explain that you wanted to do it privately. He might have just assumed that like the funeral it was an open family event.

Do two ashes spreading ceremonies. One with you on your own, another with other family.

These things are for the living. Although you say there weren’t many people other than you to whom your father was close, that’s your point of view. I think a little respect for others’ points of view and feel of loss would be gracious.

Funerals and other ceremonies are for the living.

You have absolutely the right to do as you wish. Personally I wouldn't want him there as it's a private moment between you two but I would also split the ashes purely because you don't know the extent of how much he loved him and what you could be denying him if. But absolutely no judgment if you didn't do that, I can totally see why splitting the ashes is too painful too. So hard. Sorry for your loss

I’d write to him briefly and say that you appreciate his asking about the scattering but you’re going to do it privately and thank you for his understanding. Be polite but honest and there will be no misunderstanding or bad feeling.

Oh that's a great idea so not really splitting them as such. Maybe that would be easier to deal with