Scattering of ashes... am I being selfish?

[Hamsternautss]

My dad died in extremely tragic circumstances nearly 2 months ago resulting in his life support being removed, he was cremated a month ago. He was only 62 and I was his only daughter.

My dad used to take me on holiday almost every year to a specific place growing up. We did go to other places but this place was his absolute favourite place in the world. When he died there was no question in my mind where I would scatter his ashes.

Fast forward a few weeks since his funeral and his foster brother called me today and asked me to let him know when I will be scattering his ashes at this place as he would like to come too. He caught me on the spot and I just said I'd be in touch.

My dad and his foster brother were not especially close, lots of years with no contact and very sporadic when there was. But my dad did think a lot of him and they had a mutual respect for each other. I've met him twice in my life, one time including the funeral.

He has completely caught me off guard with this one as I had envisioned doing the scattering on my own as that how it always was with dad growing up; just me and him. No one else has requested to come along to scatter, not even his blood brothers one of which who he was closest to.

I really wanted this final moment with what's left of him by myself to say what I wanted to say and now I feel like I'm going to have to share it with someone I hardly know. I won't be able to say everything I want or cry how I need to. He put me on the spot and I didn't have a clue to say how i was just hoping to do it alone.

I feel selfish for wanting to have this moment for my own and now I don't know how to back track without really offending him. We are on very different wavelengths and he is very religious. I likely will probably never see him again otherwise but I wouldn't know how to backtrack. He didn't even ask if he could come, just wanted me to tell him when. Aibu??

He’s not the step brother - he is a foster brother. Who lost touch with the dad. OP barely knows him and he and her dad didn’t stay in touch in adulthood.

we don’t know how long this man was cared for by OP’s dad’s family. It could have been weeks, months or years. But it doesn’t like they have a sibling bond.

he is obviously trying to do a nice thing here - make up for the lost years. But OP needs to do what she feels comfortable with. This is her dad. There man would probably be mortified if he realised he was intruding. So explaining it gently to him and asking him to share some memories of her dad over coffee seems a reasonable compromise

I don’t agree with most posts, he is not a long lost school friend, he is his brother - foster or bio, it still means they were raised as brothers! I would consider him close family.

I can’t imagine how I would feel if my DSis died and her daughter would prevent me from attending the ashes spreading - in a way I know my sister better than she does… or maybe not better but in a different way. Even if we now rarely see each other (we live in different countries) it doesn’t mean we aren’t close, I would fly to her in the middle
of the night if she needed me and I believe she would do the same and I would hate for someone to make the decision that I should be excluded because they wanted their own moment.
Again, an old school friend or colleague, a cousin, etc. i could understand, but someone he was brought up with as a brother, I don’t get it.

Just to add, the point of my post is not to upset anybody, obviously all families are different and if the foster brother indeed only offered to be present as a nice gesture or because he thought more people would attend, then of course it would make sense for OP to insist she does it on her own.

Ashes are not cooled and placed in an urn while you wait. The cremation itself happens at the end of the funeral and the ashes are then prepared and contained for the next of the kin to collect at a later date.

OP, I think I would drop a line to the foster brother to say 'I've been having a chat with the rest of the family and we've decided that we aren't going to make the scattering of Dad's ashes into an event - after a lot of thought about what Dad would want, we've agreed that I will just scatter them quietly on my own rather than having a family ceremony of any kind. I hope that's OK with you - I can of course let you know the exact spot where it was done, so you'd be able to go there and pay your respects at any point afterwards if you wanted to.'

There are a couple of people in my life who mean a lot to me but who my children do not know. I get your grieving and it's such a tough time for you but your dad had relationships that perhaps you don't view as strong or important but may have been to him. There's some dismissal by people that he is just a Foster brother which is quite sad realy. You don't have to be blood for there to be a bond. I seldom see someone but they are very important to me and I would be disappointed if they had been left out of this. Scattering the ashes can be part of the grieving process, the final saying goodbye. At my children's fathers ashes scattering there will be people I absolute hate who I feel did him wrong and did not support him as friends should but he loved them so for him I will get over it.

This x100.

At my children's fathers ashes scattering there will be people I absolute hate who I feel did him wrong and did not support him as friends should but he loved them so for him I will get over it.

OP would like me to scatter the ashes alone.
That is perfectly ok.

'OP would like to scatter the ashes alone.'

We did, when my Aunt died my Mum was in charge of the ashes, there was a sister (my other aunt) who fell out with the family and who wanted to to take part so we did it at a set time and left some ashes for the estranged aunt to scatter herself in the same place. It was the right thing to do.

But my dad did think a lot of him and they had a mutual respect for each other

It sounds like they thought a lot of each other. That counts for something and nobody ever actually owns another person, or their ashes for that matter.

It sounds like they thought a lot of each other. That counts for something and nobody ever actually owns another person, or their ashes for that matter.

Actually I think I do own my husband's ashes.

Whilst I did not own my husband, the funeral and arrangements around his death where my decision.

@Wouldyabeguilty

You can’t own them because the law says they are the same as the person or a body and person can’t be owned.

The right to possess the ashes is likely to be “the executor*, or whoever was at the charge of the funeral” or basically the person who signed the contract with the funeral director. This tends to be the bill payer – if you paid the bill the chances are you signed the contract. The Funeral Director will not be able to give you the ashes if you are not the person on the contract.

Yes I have google.

I'm all those things. And I have, to split hairs, rights of ownership.

So back here in RL, they are sat in my house and mine to choose what to do with and really 'ownership' is a complete red herring and irrelevant to OPs situation.

You have possession because you paid for the cremation but you don't OWN them.

At the end of the day, you do your own thing and knock yourself out, scatter them, keep them, put them on a shelf, do what you will. Nobody cares.

In OP's case a foster brother has come forward asking to be part of it and he has a right to ask and he has a right to want to. Whether the OP does allow him is up to her. Her question was if she was being selfish or not and I think she is.

The fact of your need to explain that you and you alone own your husband's ashes is the only red herring I can see here.

At the end of the day, you do your own thing and knock yourself out, scatter them, keep them, put them on a shelf, do what you will. No one cares.

hmm. thanks.

You want to do this on your own OP. Your feelings come first. You're not leaving anyone out of a 'family scattering of ashes.' It's something personal, you want to do on your own, without a stranger. However they felt about your father.

So often our feelings are put to the side behind other peoples. Tbh I think this person was selfish the way he just bulldozed in expecting to come and scatter the ashes. Not very thoughtful. I'm guessing he came to the other parts of the funeral.

And because of your history with your Dad I'm guessing "arriving 1/2 hr early and leaving them a bit" isn't going to quite fit.

You are worried about not fulfilling his wishes. Right now fulfil yours.

You want to do this on your own OP. Your feelings come first. You're not leaving anyone out of a 'family scattering of ashes.' It's something personal, you want to do on your own, without a stranger. However they felt about your father

Bullshit.
This man grew up with her father.
He is not a stranger to her father.
Sometimes you have to take other people's feelings into consideration.
She is leaving someone out...her dad's foster brother who has expressed that he would like to be there.

They are the facts.

He would like to be there.

Yep, and what does OP want?

Sometimes you have to take other people's feelings into consideration.

This works both ways.

She would prefer he wasn't there, she has said that but that doesn't make it right or kind.
He obviously loved the man too or he wouldn't want to go. Nobody would want to turn up at the scattering of someone's ashes unless they loved them.

So sometimes we have to suck up a little selfishness and realise that we are not the only people who loved someone and to afford the man a few mins after the OP had done her ritual and her goodbyes hurts nobody.

I don't doubt the man loved OPs father. I don't think that's the point. I'm sure OP realises that she's not the only one who loved her father.

I think it's the presumption really, that it is happening and that they are coming. And this has shocked OP.

I can't imagine doing that to anyone really. It's not the same as a funeral.

Then what harm? If she does her own ritual first and invite the foster brother to come a little later? I honestly cannot see why she could not allow him to do that,

But why should the OP “be kind” when the person imposing himself on her isn’t being kind to her?

(And why are women always expected to “be kind”, anyway?)

Then what harm? If she does her own ritual first and invite the foster brother to come a little later? I honestly cannot see why she could not allow him to do that,

Privacy probably. And she said she didn't want to split the ashes.