Scattering of ashes... am I being selfish?

[Hamsternautss]

My dad died in extremely tragic circumstances nearly 2 months ago resulting in his life support being removed, he was cremated a month ago. He was only 62 and I was his only daughter.

My dad used to take me on holiday almost every year to a specific place growing up. We did go to other places but this place was his absolute favourite place in the world. When he died there was no question in my mind where I would scatter his ashes.

Fast forward a few weeks since his funeral and his foster brother called me today and asked me to let him know when I will be scattering his ashes at this place as he would like to come too. He caught me on the spot and I just said I'd be in touch.

My dad and his foster brother were not especially close, lots of years with no contact and very sporadic when there was. But my dad did think a lot of him and they had a mutual respect for each other. I've met him twice in my life, one time including the funeral.

He has completely caught me off guard with this one as I had envisioned doing the scattering on my own as that how it always was with dad growing up; just me and him. No one else has requested to come along to scatter, not even his blood brothers one of which who he was closest to.

I really wanted this final moment with what's left of him by myself to say what I wanted to say and now I feel like I'm going to have to share it with someone I hardly know. I won't be able to say everything I want or cry how I need to. He put me on the spot and I didn't have a clue to say how i was just hoping to do it alone.

I feel selfish for wanting to have this moment for my own and now I don't know how to back track without really offending him. We are on very different wavelengths and he is very religious. I likely will probably never see him again otherwise but I wouldn't know how to backtrack. He didn't even ask if he could come, just wanted me to tell him when. Aibu??

But she hasn't TOLD him she is upset or uncomfortable or anything of the sort. He is not a mind reader. Maybe he thought she needed support? Maybe he is just trying to be kind.

But she hasn't TOLD him she is upset or uncomfortable or anything of the sort. He is not a mind reader. Maybe he thought she needed support? Maybe he is just trying to be kind.

No, not a mind reader, met her twice, and pretty much inviting himself to the scattering. And made OP feel very under pressure.

Kind? Maybe? But it's badly backfired. He doesn't sound very emotionally intelligent tbh. And not someone to share your last precious goodbyes with either.

Would you barrel in for an invite in this situation @Wouldyabeguilty ? I wouldn't. And since my OH 's funeral , and he has a vast family, not one person has done something like this.

Shame it's the OP made to feel bad though.

No, I think I would ask if she needed support at the scattering as she is an only child and would be there alone.

The OP should have spoken up or if she was caught off guard, rang the man back and told him her intentions. In saying nothing it looks like she agrees with him being there.

Maybe he is not very emotionally intelligent but I would never be as unkind to say so. He is a foster kid so maybe he never learned to be.

At the end of the day the man is not trying deliberately to be unkind, he is not trying to hurt anyone. Chances are he is trying to support the Op and say goodbye to his foster brother and see the place he loved.

Emotionally unintelligent...maybe. Coming from a bad place...absolutely not.

The OP needs to let him know where the land lies and how she wants things.

Then that will be that.

Yep agree with all your points @Wouldyabeguilty

But still leaves poor OP feeling in she's possibly doing something selfish and worried, when she's already dealing with grief.

I've been all over this thread and feel like I've made my thoughts pretty clear. I don't know if it would really be helping OP anymore.

If you're still reading OP there is lots of good advice on here. Trust your feelings. Someone left a version of a good letter you could email if you can't face talking to your Dad's FB. Remember anyone with any compassion will understand.

Have the last precious moments you wanted. All of them. Be as selfish as you like.

Hope it works out.

I think that posters arguing a legal point with a widow that she doesn’t own her late husband’s ashes need to step back and think.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and feedback. I'm going to re-read this thread a few times and spend a lot of time thinking about what to do next.

I think if even just one other person a little bit closer asked about the ashes and wanted to come along I'd be happier to change the idea in my head of how I wanted the scattering to go and have it as more of an event. As no one asked (he's been dead 2 months this weekend) I'd kind of just got used to the idea of going on this trip alone and taking the pilgrimage that we used to do every year.

I feel like I've had almost zero time to properly grieve him, I have 3 young children so haven't had so much as even a single morning to not get out of bed and cry. We live in different parts of the UK and he had a sudden cardiac arrest. I had 2 very long weeks in the ICU with my dad semi vegetative (the scans didnt match the actual patient in the bed, I'll never know if he knew I was there) and apart his funeral of course its just been BAU. Had to go home for kids school etc. I found it hard that I couldn't even solely focus on being with my dad as I had to factor in the children so much. It was very hard to get proper privacy in the ICU too, there was always a nurse there so I couldn't always say what I wanted to say in the moment. I'd have to request specific times that they leave and even then they would still watch from through the glass.

The place i wish to scatter is a good 5 hour car trip away and has so much personal meaning as I spent so much of my childhood there with dad, we were planning to go there again once my little boy was a bit less hard work.

I am due to go there mid July and having never been away from the kids overnight apart to give birth I was really looking forward to having that particular moment at peace, by myself. Just me and my thoughts of Dad. Able to say what I truly felt without any time limit of visiting hours or constraints of others in the room and having to constantly act like dad was going to be fine just incase he could hear me. Or constantly having to check my phone to check the youngest wasn't having a meltdown.

Having someone else there, especially someone else I don't really know just totally changes the dynamics. My dad was an atheist and so his funeral reflected that; I have always been of the same belief. Dad's foster brother is very vChristian and even said on the phone that cremation wasn't in his beliefs as a Christian as the body should always be buried to go back to the earth. I said my dad had always told me he didn't want to be "worm food" so I was just following his wishes but even then it made me feel a little bit guilty in the choices I had made. I had to plan the funeral on my own and my dad had no will and never really considered what would happen if he died young. As well as just wanting to be alone I wouldn't want to have to listen about God at this point and as my dad's foster brother is very upfront I would be scared it wouldn't be the last final moments with what's left of my dad that I had wanted. He is a lovely man from what I know of him, he is just very forthright.

In adulthood I don't think my dad even saw his foster brother 5 times. Our families on my dad's side aren't close at all and my dad's 2 other blood brothers I very seldom saw growing up or in adult hood. I could probably count all the times on 2 hands, most of the times being funerals. So it's a very distant family and my dad was often very lonely as he never remarried and only really had me and his mum in his later years. Whilst I totally understand they had their childhood growing up together and they are brothers and he needs to grieve in his own way too, i selfishly I just assumed this one moment would be something that I did alone.

Foster brother doesn't drive so it's a very long train journey. I'm not sure how he would feel if I excluded him from the actual scattering whilst he was there in the area after coming all that way, probably very offended. I also don't like the idea of scattering in stages either, I just want to set him free in one big swoop.

I'm not sure what my dad would want in this situation. He wouldn't want me to be upset or worrying but it's tricky to imagine what he would think.

I guess I am just being very selfish about it all, I had to plan his funeral alone with no other input from anyone and no sibling to help or to grieve and relive memories with, or to miss him or feel the loss in the same way as I do. I am totally alone in my grief and loss of him as my dad. It just sucks that the one thing I really do want to do on my own is being taken away and I want it so much.

I'm going against what I said and have come back on here, and you've probably heard far too much from already, but please lovely girl do what you want to do.

Reading your last post has made me cry. I think I am empathising because I feel quite raw myself . Everyone's grief is private and different but also sadly alike.

This is your private wish. Your father's foster brother has got it clumsily wrong to expect to come too. He shouldn't have put that expectation onto your shoulders. I think it's very out of the ordinary that he has. Please please put your needs first here.

Make that journey. Take that time away. Think about your Dad. Grieve as you need to. Do as you planned. Take a deep breath. Put your self first. You don't sound like a selfish person at all. You've got through so much already. Don't let this floor you. Sending you all the support a stranger can.

Wow. Not only has this virtual stranger invited himself along. Now he's also criticising your choice of cremation. This is not a lovely guy. This isn't how lovely guys behave.

I'm so sorry for your loss and totally agree with @SpritzingAperol ...please do this your way and have this precious time alone with your lovely Dad.

The fact that his FB has already made comments about his religious beliefs in relation to the cremation makes me feel that there will be more of the same if he attends which is the last thing you want or need.

And even if he was likely to be 'perfectly' behaved you still have every right to do this however you feel comfortable.

I am also an only child and lost my Dad just over a year ago so I completely understand how strange and alone you feel in your grief.

My mum keeps wanting to finalise what we'll do with his ashes and I am just trying to put it off as have we have very different perspectives and although we did manage to agree on a plan I just can't face it now.

Do take care of yourself. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about in doing this on your own.

Totally disagree with these sentiments...

He may have assumed it was a larger gathering...

I agree that any Foster sibling I would consider as a blood sibling HAD THEY BEEN CLOSE THROUGHOUT LIFE...

Bottom line : he wasn't that close to the man after childhood... Why would the OP let this man come (a stranger to her) on such an intimate time?

Just would be awkward.

I'd not contact him again, do what you need to do solo, and IF he contacts you again - I'd tell a small white lie-that you find the whole thing so traumatic you've not made any decisions... Make it very vague.

Oh OP I am so sad for you having read this. My heart goes out to you. 💐

I’ve seen many MN threads over the years about “grief vampires”, who try to centre themselves in a grief that is only peripherally theirs. I initially hesitated to call him that but now you have told more about him I think there’s no doubt that’s what he is. How dare he try to make your father’s funeral about his personal religious beliefs and preferences? Do not let him suck away your certainty that you did the right thing by your dad in giving him the funeral you knew your dad wanted. Certainly do not let him trample over your last farewell.

Whatever this man’s past relationship with your father he has no right to intrude as he has already done and he has absolutely no right to take your final private moments with your dad from you.

I’m so sorry you are going through this but this man has been to the funeral and said his goodbyes I take it? That should be enough for him surely.
The scattering of the ashes should be just you and your dad.
If he gets in touch again I’d tell him you haven’t decided when to do it yet and when you do it’ll be private.
I would hate to have to be with an almost total stranger while I said goodbye to my dad.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP

I really think you should say goodbye in the way that you want and need to do for yourself. I am sure your dad wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself just to be kind to please this man who you don’t feel comfortable with or respected by.

Take your private moment with your dad and know you have nothing to feel guilty about.

It just sucks that the one thing I really do want to do on my own is being taken away and I want it so much.

It's only being taken away if you let it. Why are you tying yourself in knots for someone your father hardly saw and who you've only met twice? I'm guessing you're a people pleaser, and what other people want you take as an order you have to carry out.

I'm sorry if this makes you cry, but think of this. If your dad knew anything at all of what was happening in his last two weeks, who do you think he'd have been thinking of most? You, his daughter, and the special holidays he had with you - or a foster brother he rarely saw, even if you say he thought a lot of him. I'll tell you, he would have thought of you.

Tell the brother that you were caught out when he asked you, and this is something you really want to do on your own for a last private moment with your dad. Then don't for goodness sake tell him when you're going to do it. You're not being selfish. You don't owe him the privilege of being there.

@iamthedevilsavocado just because the op didn't see him often does not mean the dad didn't see or talk to him often unfortunately we will never know

In the OP she says the following:

“My dad and his foster brother were not especially close, lots of years with no contact and very sporadic when there was.”

So yes, we do know that the dad didn’t see or talk to him often.

OP, so sorry for the loss of your dad. Do what is right for you. Go and revisit the special place alone to scatter your dad's ashes. You don't even have to justify or explain in detail to the foster brother. Be kind to yourself. A quick text to let him know you are going alone is enough. Take care. xx

OP please do the Scattering alone to your plan.

the foster brother either doesn’t know he is pushing his own agenda onto you or doesn’t care.

religious people can often struggle to respect non religious ceremonies and the believe their way is correct and trumps all else. I suppose that is what a lot of religions teach - so they think they are doing the right thing. We have had this in my family. Very religious aunt and uncle angry about non-religious weddings.

he wasn’t close to your dad. It seems odd that he didn’t stay in touch for all these years and now wants to dominate and push his religious beliefs.

while yes he is grieving - this was your dad. Do it your way.

Just say it's something you'd rather do on your own. I really doubt he wouldn't understand.

You do what you wanted and planned all along.

He can visit that place at a later date if he wants.

Let him know that he caught you off guard and that you'd planned it to be private and are going to continue with that plan. If he has an enormous issue with it, considering the history, then you were right to make that decision in the first place anyway. Hopefully he'll understand and leave you be.

I was really looking forward to having that particular moment at peace, by myself. Just me and my thoughts of Dad. Able to say what I truly felt without any time limit of visiting hours or constraints of others in the room and having to constantly act like dad was going to be fine just incase he could hear me. Or constantly having to check my phone to check the youngest wasn't having a meltdown

And this is exactly what you need to do. You need to have this time alone with your Dad, to talk and grieve freely. If you don't have this opportunity, I think you'll always regret it, and regret it far more than potentially upsetting a relative neither you nor your father saw often, or with whom you shared religious views. He has already said that the cremation was not in line with his beliefs - what if he tries to add religious elements when you are together? This is your private and personal time with your Dad, and you get to decide how it goes.

Is it possible that he is assuming there will be others present? As previous posters have said, let him know that he caught you off guard, and that this is something you need to do alone. If he is, as you say, a lovely man, he will understand.

I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad. And no, you are not being remotely selfish.

@Hamsternautss

Please, please ignore the foster brother. YOU were the one closest to your Dad. YOU were there at his end. YOU were the one left alone to organise his funeral. YOU are the only one who gets to decide what happens to his ashes and how that happens. I agree with the 'grief vampire' comments - the foster brother has his own agenda (probably relating to religion) and wants to muscle his way in. You know what will happen if you agree to his attendance - your plan will be changed, they'll be prayers that you (or your Dad) don't want, you will feel cheated out of YOUR last goodbye and your grief will be made worse.

If you are able to lie then tell the foster brother that it's already done. Tell him that the opportunity to go came up suddenly and there wasn't time to let him know. If he wants details then tell him that you're too upset to talk about it and then ignore any further contact. I would lie in your position and just pretend it's too late AND then I'd give him both barrels if he pushed it further. This person is NOT in your life and he wasn't really in your Dad's life either was he?

In my personal experience, my Dad died 12 years ago and mine and my brother's (wicked!) stepmother still has my Dad's ashes. She has said that the ashes are hers and she is keeping them. She doesn't care that my brother & I have nowhere to place our grief and have no way to say goodbye properly. We are waiting for her to die so we can reclaim them back and have them scattered somewhere that is special to just us - sadly (and I feel really mean saying it) she shows no signs of shuffling off the mortal coil any time soon.

But also the facts are...

1.OP has stated they didn't keep contact in adulthood to the extent her dad didn't invite this man to his wedding .

1. Op hasn't stated how long this Foster brother was actually living with her dad? ..

I have a pal who had Foster sibs her entire childhood... Some stayed less than a month...

Should all these people with a tiny connection to the dead person demand 'family rights'?

It's important OP prioritises her own needs here.... Rather than a man who had only a tangential relationship with her father at least 45 years ago

So sorry about your Dad OP. I don't think you're selfish. Have this special moment for just you and your dad and offer to meet this man on another occasion to do something to remember him by. All the best.