Scattering of ashes... am I being selfish?

[Hamsternautss]

My dad died in extremely tragic circumstances nearly 2 months ago resulting in his life support being removed, he was cremated a month ago. He was only 62 and I was his only daughter.

My dad used to take me on holiday almost every year to a specific place growing up. We did go to other places but this place was his absolute favourite place in the world. When he died there was no question in my mind where I would scatter his ashes.

Fast forward a few weeks since his funeral and his foster brother called me today and asked me to let him know when I will be scattering his ashes at this place as he would like to come too. He caught me on the spot and I just said I'd be in touch.

My dad and his foster brother were not especially close, lots of years with no contact and very sporadic when there was. But my dad did think a lot of him and they had a mutual respect for each other. I've met him twice in my life, one time including the funeral.

He has completely caught me off guard with this one as I had envisioned doing the scattering on my own as that how it always was with dad growing up; just me and him. No one else has requested to come along to scatter, not even his blood brothers one of which who he was closest to.

I really wanted this final moment with what's left of him by myself to say what I wanted to say and now I feel like I'm going to have to share it with someone I hardly know. I won't be able to say everything I want or cry how I need to. He put me on the spot and I didn't have a clue to say how i was just hoping to do it alone.

I feel selfish for wanting to have this moment for my own and now I don't know how to back track without really offending him. We are on very different wavelengths and he is very religious. I likely will probably never see him again otherwise but I wouldn't know how to backtrack. He didn't even ask if he could come, just wanted me to tell him when. Aibu??

I would either do as @patchysmum says or be honest and say you've decided it's just going to be you. I don't see any harm in that.

OP, you're going to get one chance to do this and you need to do it right or it will weigh on your mind forever.

Sleep on it for a number of nights, that's how I always make my best decisions.

Personally I would want to do it alone so you can be yourself. I wouldn't want somebody there that is basically a stranger.

Put your feelings first. He was your father. Do what makes you happy and don't worry about anybody else

Put your feelings first. He was your father. Do what makes you happy and don't worry about anybody else

👆

I would scatter them on your own, then tell him why. You don’t want him turning up.

Tell him you’ll split the ashes with him so that you can both do your own thing but keep all your dad’s ashes and just give the brother the ashes of something else.

You don't need to do 2 different locations just half an hour apart or a hour at the end of the day you are both family of your dad and I think he has every right to also attend as for any other family members if they want to or not its their choice but to do it behind it back and tell him after the fact is cruel

Do it exactly how you planned. Inform the Foster brother after the event that you had to do it alone, don't even go into details. There I no reason to think it is selfish or feel guilty. He is your dad, it is a special memory.

Why? If that was important in a religious sense it would have happened at the funeral surely.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I do think if you explained to this man he would understand. He probably doesn’t realise it will only be you - he maybe feels he wants to connect again after losing touch with your dad.

how about to offer to meet him for a drink or a coffee and ask to hear his memories of your dad?

that includes him in the family grief while maintains you boundaries?

The ashes won’t have been available to scatter until a couple of days after the funeral.

I agree with this.

Scatter them first then take a couple of photos.

The Email this man and say that you are sorry, you know you had agreed to let him be there. But on reflection, you decided that you wanted to to it alone, you hope he understands. Send the photos and details of the location so he can visit if he wants and say a prayer / whatever.

You can use the what 3 words app to pinpoint the exact spot if you want.

On a practical note, I suggest that you try to go on a calm day. I went to scatter a loved one’s ashes in the sea , as she requested. It was almost impossible to do this because of the wind, it just kept blowing back on us ( and her dog 😯). It wasn’t the meaningful spiritual experienced I had imagined.

I think you should follow your instinct and scatter your Dad’s ashes as you wish.

Had this other person been important in your Dad’s life you would have met him more than just the once in your life before the funeral, therefore you don’t need to allow him to intrude on your final farewell. He had his opportunity to say his farewell at the funeral. That is the purpose of a funeral, together with supporting the bereaved.

I would do as others suggest, scatter the ashes on your own and where you want THEN tell the other person, otherwise you could end up with a more upsetting scenario where he pesters you to attend if you tell him your plans in advance.

You don’t owe this person any special consideration, you deserve your final private time with your Dad, especially as you are used to time being spent with just the two of you. Don’t let anyone spoil your last precious moment.

This is exactly what we did for my granddad (more like a dad), he's in Scotland where I where I was living and hope to return to, some in Yorkshire where he was born and lived and some in Devon with other family (and possibly others too). Other people had a relationship with my granddad and I feel it would've been unfair to deny them a small amount of his ashes. My nan was slightly different, she died much younger and had clear plans for what was to happen to her ashes which has been carried out.

Do you think you Dad would mind if his ashes were split? It doesn't have to be a large amount but it could mean a lot to your father's foster brother and I don't think splitting them instead of not inviting him at all is unreasonable.

My father died a couple of years ago and I was surprised by the degree to which people tried to involve themselves in matters which weren’t for them. A school friend of dad’s rang my mother up and volunteered to conduct the eulogy. Dad had seen him at maybe three reunions over the last 30 years and mum had met him only on those three occasions. Mum was caught on the hop like OP. She rang back later and said, “er no thanks, his son and daughter will be doing that” - the volunteer wasn’t very gracious about being turned down!

This falls into the same category. Someone OP met twice, that her dad had not spent much time with for many years, wants to get involved in something that, in the nicest possible way, isn’t for him. I am sure he is genuinely sad that OP’s dad has passed, but a moment’s thought should tell him that as a person from his distant past, he should not try to invite himself along to the ash scattering. He should wait to be asked (and that does not include ringing up and saying “I’d love to come” because that puts OP on the spot and pressures her to agree).

How OP deals with it depends on whether she wants or expects to meet him again. If she does, then best to send an honest email saying in a non-negotiable way “no, this is a private occasion for me alone and no other family members are attending either.” Any pushback, block instantly and don’t engage.

If she doesn’t want to see him again then just ignore.

Sorry for your loss.

I’m going to go against the grain and suggest that your dad’s foster brother is included. In my opinion, splitting ashes is a bad idea.

When my father died we had to find a compromise on what to do with his ashes.

That is an absolutely vile and cruel thing to suggest.
OP, I would do as pp have suggested and contact the foster brother and explain you were caught out by his request but would prefer to be alone while you scatter the ashes.
So very sorry for your loss.

Couldn't agree with Delurking more.

I have yet to scatter my loved one's ashes. There were many at the funeral that loved them. It was open funeral.

The cremation I kept to close friends and family.

I haven't decided about the ashes yet. I'm not sure. But it's up to me alone, I know that.

Not one other person from their large extended circle of family and friends has expected to be included in scattering their ashes. Some people take years to do it. Don't be pressured by this persons expectations. This is your and yours alone.

I agree that it’s a good idea to find a compromise between the views of, say, a widow/ widower and their children. Perhaps even a sibling. Because they are all close relatives.

I don’t think it’s necessary to find a compromise with someone who is not a relative or even a close friend of the deceased. People are less close must always defer to the wishes of the deceased’s nearest and dearest .

. I am sure he is genuinely sad that OP’s dad has passed, but a moment’s thought should tell him that as a person from his distant past, he should not try to invite himself along to the ash scattering. He should wait to be asked (and that does not include ringing up and saying “I’d love to come” because that puts OP on the spot and pressures her to agree).

This.

This person, however he feels, has got it wrong.

I think it is a bit mean. You could easily scatter the ashes at 10am and keep a bit over for when the step brother arrives at 10.30.

@Wouldyabeguilty

Can I ask, have you done this?

I agree with this first response. Say this.

If you do decide to include him, could you arrange it so that you get there earlier and have that time first and then he can join later for the scattering of ashes?

Meant to quote @LadyLothbrook

OP so very sorry about your loss of your lovely Dad.

It's not selfish at all to want to be alone, to scatter you Dad's ashes.

Make your plans and do it...tell no-one, you don't need anyones permission, you're in control.

Do not let others influence your plans.

💐💐💐

really 🙄🙄🙄