Scattering of ashes... am I being selfish?

[Hamsternautss]

My dad died in extremely tragic circumstances nearly 2 months ago resulting in his life support being removed, he was cremated a month ago. He was only 62 and I was his only daughter.

My dad used to take me on holiday almost every year to a specific place growing up. We did go to other places but this place was his absolute favourite place in the world. When he died there was no question in my mind where I would scatter his ashes.

Fast forward a few weeks since his funeral and his foster brother called me today and asked me to let him know when I will be scattering his ashes at this place as he would like to come too. He caught me on the spot and I just said I'd be in touch.

My dad and his foster brother were not especially close, lots of years with no contact and very sporadic when there was. But my dad did think a lot of him and they had a mutual respect for each other. I've met him twice in my life, one time including the funeral.

He has completely caught me off guard with this one as I had envisioned doing the scattering on my own as that how it always was with dad growing up; just me and him. No one else has requested to come along to scatter, not even his blood brothers one of which who he was closest to.

I really wanted this final moment with what's left of him by myself to say what I wanted to say and now I feel like I'm going to have to share it with someone I hardly know. I won't be able to say everything I want or cry how I need to. He put me on the spot and I didn't have a clue to say how i was just hoping to do it alone.

I feel selfish for wanting to have this moment for my own and now I don't know how to back track without really offending him. We are on very different wavelengths and he is very religious. I likely will probably never see him again otherwise but I wouldn't know how to backtrack. He didn't even ask if he could come, just wanted me to tell him when. Aibu??

Sorry for your loss
I would just be honest with the guy, rather than lie as suggested by some on here.
Anyone with compassion would understand.

Ohhh FFS this is not a fucking feminist issue, it would be the same if it were a foster sister.

He is NOT being unkind to her, he just wants to be there...how is that being unkind?

But they would be in the same place? I do understand the privacy thing, I really do but to just let him come for a couple of mins at the end when she is done. She might even find it a comfort knowing that the foster brother loved him too and wanted to be there. I just think she could compromise a little, that's all.

Because she doesn't want to @Wouldyabeguilty

And that's her prerogative

It absolutely is but that doesn't mean it's not a bit selfish.

The question was not was it her prerogative, the question was if she was being selfish or not.

As others have said, dont scatter all of the ashes at one time - so you can do some with him and then some on your own.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I don't think anyone here can tell you what to do, really.

Be kind to yourself and if you feel like you want to say goodbye to your dad on your own I would just go ahead and do it, and let his brother know where they are so he can do the same on his own terms.

I don't think it's kind. People are loved by different people at all stages of their life. In order to have the perfect goodbye you'd have to trample over anyone else with less power than you but as much desire to be involved.
My mum didn't leave the room when my granddad was dying and I longed to say goodbye alone. But I would never have asked her to leave for my comfort, the thought I could have hurt my mum would have removed any solace I would have got from having him to myself for five minutes.
Equally my mum scattered the ashes of my grandparents alone without notice because it was 'her' parents. They'd also stepped up when my dad died when I was a child and I am really sad that I dont have that last farewell with them.
I would rather be at peace with my choices for those living tbh.

The first response here is all you need.

Be kind to yourself.

It's very presumptuous of this man (a stranger to you) to assume he'd be involved in this. Or even that you'd be scattering them at all. I wouldn't speak to him, just text or email. He sounds pushy and insensitive.

If he wasn't at your dad's wedding he certainly doesn't need to be at this!

He is NOT being unkind to her, he just wants to be there...how is that being unkind?

Because he is not considering her feelings. How he could be interjecting into a very private moment for her.

Especially as he barely knows her and she will be the only other one. The more I think about it the more I know I wouldn't do it.

I see the the funeral as a very open event. I don't see the scattering as an invite yourself part.

The scattering of ashes is a very private thing. I am going to the scattering of my late father in law's ashes next week and my mother in law didn't want many people there. The only way I could think of circumventing the situation is to invite him along to talk about the OP's Dad in the presence of the urn and then ask for a few minutes alone to scatter them.

If you do scatter them by yourself, please let your dad's foster brother know where, so at least he can visit the place and be alone with his memories and thoughts there.

Why is it selfish? She is his daughter. She can have as many or as little people as she wants there.

This guy has barely seen her dad since they were kids. Whatever his reasons for wanting to be there, i very much doubt they're
because he had deep and abiding love for the OP's dad. Sounds like more of a thing he wants to do to appease his god rather than anything else.

I think scattering ashes is absolutely a time when you should be as selfish as you want. And that's fine.

She is not the one who is dead, his foster brother is, It matters not that she doesn't know him. What matters is that he grew up with her father, was part of his early life, his childhood. He has a right to ask to be there but he also has to accept the fact she can say no.

Again the question the girl was asking is whether she is being selfish or not denying the man to come and some people think she is including me and some people think she is not including you.

She is not the one who is dead, his foster brother is, It matters not that she doesn't know him.

Yep, and that's why there are sometimes people a funerals that you don't know.

But in this last intimate, private moment, it matters.

But her dad did know him, he grew up with him in the same house, they were very fond of each other so that comment doesn't make sense. She does actually know him, she has met him twice, she knows of him, her father had a lot of respect for him so yes, he counts.

Nobody is asking her to let him infringe on her own private moment but only to allow him one of his own when she is finished.

He has a right to ask to be there but he also has to accept the fact she can say no.

Sadly OP feels pressured even though she knows this will mean she won't have the ending she wants with a stranger ( to her ) present.

He didn't ask if he could come. He said he would like to come, when would it be.

Tbh Since he doesn't seem to have much contact with the family I think he's just not aware. And being clumsy.

She does actually know him, she has met him twice, she knows of him, her father had a lot of respect for him so yes, he counts.

No she said she doesn't really.

I fully agree with this. I can fully understand you wanting this final time alone with your dad. So sorry for your loss, OP.

Nobody is asking her to let him infringe on her own private moment but only to allow him one of his own when she is finished.

Which wouldn't be awkward at all if he 'wants' to scatter ashes. Think about how it would work.

She barely knows this person.

But her Dad did, that is the point everyone is missing. Her dad grew up with this man, he has memories of him before the daughter was even born, he lived with him, shared a house with him, shared parents with him. It is natural he would want to be there.

Maybe if she gave him a ring explaining that she wants to scatter the ashes on her own first and see what he suggests. Maybe he will then decline to come, maybe he will understand that she doesn't want to share the ashes with him, maybe her will just hang back and wait until she is gone so he can be there near the time the ashes were spread.

At least be honest with the man, some people here telling her to do it on the sly, that is just wrong.

But he isn’t as close a family member as the daughter. And it’s the closest family members who should take priority IMO.

But her Dad did, that is the point everyone is missing

I didn't miss that point. That's what a funeral is for. I'm not questioning OPs Dad and his foster brothers relationship. Though it doesn't sound as if they have been close as adults at all.

I'm questioning his lack of judgment after that point. Which turns out is putting pressure on OP to do something she REALLY doesn't want to. And feel selfish. When in reality he could have been a lot more sensitive to her.