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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Can I sleep with other women whilst there?"

140 replies

Lauriejd · 05/06/2022 15:00

He said this as a "joke". AIBU to not find this funny?

BF of 4 years going on a "lads" holiday. We're both 27.
Apparently the joke is that the women are so attractive where he's going so can he have a "free pass"

Cue horrified look from me.

"Hahaha just messing; I'd never do that"

Maybe I missed the punchline or I'm missing a humour

OP posts:
OmIndeed · 05/06/2022 15:51

It's as if everyone has forgotten prostitutes exist. No need to seduce.

Janie576 · 05/06/2022 15:53

If a boyfriend of 4 years told me that the women where he's going away on lads holiday are beautiful, even if he didn't make a joke about sleeping with them, I'd probably bin him. Red flags all over it.

mackthepony · 05/06/2022 15:58

He's obviously stupid too - any sensible scoundrel set on cheating wouldn't have mentioned a thing

Marty13 · 05/06/2022 16:00

Didn't rtft but sorry, I think this is a classic exemple of MN overreacting to the point of absurdity.

If he said it as a light-hearted joke, well, it's not hilarious but it's also not this huge awful thing to break up over ffs. Just joke back that you'll do the same, or laugh about how lame you thought the joke was, and let it go.

People saying you should leave, he's testing you, etc, are just massively overreacting. Wonder how you'd feel if people told him to leave you next time you make a slightly awkward or unfunny joke. Give me strength.

WooNoodle · 05/06/2022 16:01

Marty13 · 05/06/2022 16:00

Didn't rtft but sorry, I think this is a classic exemple of MN overreacting to the point of absurdity.

If he said it as a light-hearted joke, well, it's not hilarious but it's also not this huge awful thing to break up over ffs. Just joke back that you'll do the same, or laugh about how lame you thought the joke was, and let it go.

People saying you should leave, he's testing you, etc, are just massively overreacting. Wonder how you'd feel if people told him to leave you next time you make a slightly awkward or unfunny joke. Give me strength.

Or people who are telling OP this have been there and done that and want to save her the heartache.

1FootInTheRave · 05/06/2022 16:04

I would suspect that its high up on his to do list tbh.

And I certainly wouldn't be waiting around for him to get back.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 05/06/2022 16:04

Or women who just won't put up with men who say shit designed to make them feel unsettled.

Midlifemusings · 05/06/2022 16:08

WooNoodle · 05/06/2022 16:01

Or people who are telling OP this have been there and done that and want to save her the heartache.

Show quote history

It isn't causative though. Just because one person joked about sleeping with other people and then did doesn't mean that every man or woman that has ever joked about a hall pass or sleeping with other people has done so. There are many people who have made a joke and it was just a joke.

Maybe a bad joke if their spouse wouldn't find it funny but saying jokingly doesn't mean you will act on it.

Milliesmummy92 · 05/06/2022 16:08

See if my DP said this I would see it as a joke, he jokes he's going out to sleep with other people all the time and I just reply with 'that's fine I'll text your brother to come round' it's a standing joke with us as we trust each other enough to know that neither of us would ever actually do anything. I'm not sure if it's because we've both been in previous shitty relationships but from the start we agreed that if we ever felt like we would actually look at someone else that way then we'd just leave.

WooNoodle · 05/06/2022 16:09

Midlifemusings · 05/06/2022 16:08

It isn't causative though. Just because one person joked about sleeping with other people and then did doesn't mean that every man or woman that has ever joked about a hall pass or sleeping with other people has done so. There are many people who have made a joke and it was just a joke.

Maybe a bad joke if their spouse wouldn't find it funny but saying jokingly doesn't mean you will act on it.

Show quote history

It's a "joke" designed to make the partner feel crap

decayingmatter · 05/06/2022 16:12

Marty13 · 05/06/2022 16:00

Didn't rtft but sorry, I think this is a classic exemple of MN overreacting to the point of absurdity.

If he said it as a light-hearted joke, well, it's not hilarious but it's also not this huge awful thing to break up over ffs. Just joke back that you'll do the same, or laugh about how lame you thought the joke was, and let it go.

People saying you should leave, he's testing you, etc, are just massively overreacting. Wonder how you'd feel if people told him to leave you next time you make a slightly awkward or unfunny joke. Give me strength.

Just because your expectations of men are clearly ground-level, doesn't mean that you should undermine other women's expectations for basic respect.

ItsLisaLou · 05/06/2022 16:15

Spidey66 · 05/06/2022 15:21

See I'd laugh that off if it was my husband. But he's an overweight middle aged man and I'd just laugh and say they can have him!

But I suppose its a) trust and b) whether you know this is his sense of humour.

Same! It’s also the kind of terrible joke I’d probably make to be honest… But i’d only make it BECAUSE there’d be zero chance of me doing it! Feel terrible now :/

LuckyAmy1986 · 05/06/2022 16:15

Lauriejd · 05/06/2022 15:08

I think it's the fact he's added how attractive the women are known to be In that country that now I'm a bit put off

Yeah that's a bit off. Why is he even thinking about that? And is he going to spend time with mates or just to ogle all the attractive women?

ventreàterre · 05/06/2022 16:16

I'd be enraged if my DH said something like that. It would trigger some very long, uncomfortable conversations. But my DH hasn't ever made that kind of "joke" before, and I haven't replied back jokingly... I don't think you're wrong to find his repeated "jokes" troubling, but it's not necessarily proof that he's actually considering doing something.

I'd speak to him about it. Clear the air about why it bothers you, why he thinks it's acceptable, how he'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot and you kept joking about sexy men you might meet at work, the gym, etc. Meanwhile, look at it (and his responses to your talk) in the larger context of your relationship. It might just be him being stupid (and disrespectful), or it could be a clue to what's going on in his mind. The least he can do is learn to stop making these types of comments. Once he knows they're making you unhappy and suspicious, he'd be a fool to continue doing it, unless he's trying to sabotage the relationship for some reason.

OmIndeed · 05/06/2022 16:20

Not uncommon for men to half-confess before cheating. It's a way of alleviating guilt. I'd say he's wistful, at least, to have made repetitive comments like that. And a lot of men express what they're really feeling through jokes.

That aside, do the women look like very different to you OP? As in phenotype or build I mean? Maybe that's why it rankled. He did sort of put the entire group on a pedestal.

onelittlefrog · 05/06/2022 16:21

Lauriejd · 05/06/2022 15:08

I think it's the fact he's added how attractive the women are known to be In that country that now I'm a bit put off

You don't have to justify why you aren't happy with him!

If his comment made you uncomfortable, tell him. If he brushes you off or says it was just a joke, think about whether you really want to be with someone like that? He sounds incredibly immature to me.

TheCatterall · 05/06/2022 16:21

He doesn’t adore you if he’s making jokes about sleeping with other women.

he doesn’t adore you if he’s commenting on how attractive the women are where he will be going on a lads holiday.

he just doesn’t adore you.

does he live with you? As in your rented place? sounds more like a cocklodger pushing his luck. If you honestly believe he won’t be flirting and trying his luck ok holiday than you need to remove rose tinted glasses/blinkers.

this man does not respect you. This was not a joke. He’s literally telling you what he’d be giving a go.

Mostess · 05/06/2022 16:25

Crimeismymiddlename · 05/06/2022 15:07

OP, I feel that if you thought this was a joke you would not be posting this question.

Exactly. It’s his plan.

OmIndeed · 05/06/2022 16:26

I meant his putting them on a pedestal, not that you're "just jealous" ergo your fault. I should have written that in another order. Sorry, I'm very inarticulate! 💐

katrizia127 · 05/06/2022 16:29

You should 100% get rid of him. That's a horrendous "joke" and I bet it was half joking, half serious. You will obviously now be insecure and worry the whole time he is away. He really has made a huge miscalculation if that was genuinely a joke. He can't unring that bell, now the though is in your head and won't be going away. How could you feel secure with this man now?

Blackbird2020 · 05/06/2022 16:33

🤮 Even as a joke it’s grim. What is he, a dog around a bunch of bitches on heat?

Just gross.

SettingsO · 05/06/2022 16:34

In his mind he’s ‘allowed’ to do it now, as by telling you, he has been ‘honest’.

Ballcactus · 05/06/2022 16:35

This is negging and it’s a type of emotional abuse.

BeverForget · 05/06/2022 16:42

Get rid.
This is not the usual kneejerk LTB, but he is obviously looking to cheat and pre-justifying it.
What a loser he is.

RhiRhi1996 · 05/06/2022 16:43

After hearing stories about how many guys cheat on lads holidays , and a comment like that would out my back right up.

A lot of guys think on holiday is fair game cos they'll never see the girl again / partner won't find out. So it's "risk free"

I find him joking about that a massive red flag, says to me its on his mind. He's wishing he was single at the very least.

I guess only you know whether this is out of character from him. Youll know how he is usually. If there's other red flags with him regarding comments about women, checking them out blatently , any inappropriate texting or anything like that, then I'd definitely be dumping.

But if he's never given you anything to worry about before, you might be hesitant understandably. Only you know. But trust your gut.

Cos he could easily cheat out there and you'd be none the wiser.