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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Never to drive with my husband again

109 replies

FrankReynolds · 05/06/2022 13:32

Learning to drive, pay for my own lessons. Because of Covid backlog, instructor has recommended an hour of practice driving a week between lessons because lessons aren't as regular as they would be under normal circumstances.

So husband got me insured on car, bought L plates and said he'd take me for some practice. I am anxious by nature, hence only just learning now. We've been put together 3 or 4 times for some practice and today has been the worst session yet. As soon as I get in the driving seat, he's white-knuckle clutching the door handle every time. We had gone to a supermarket and I was going to drive us home. We live fairly rurally, and it's an uncomplicated drive home that I've done a few times with my instructor. So at almost deserted end of supermarket car park, I needed to reverse out of parking bay around to the right and then steer round to the left. About 8 meters behind us there was a parked car at a right angle to ours. I start the engine, he's already chanting "sloooowwwwlly" so I reverse slowly, steadily steering right when suddenly he bellows "BRRRRAAAAAAAKKKKEEE!!". Rattled, I smoothly but quickly stop. I look behind us, parked car is still 3 meters away. I ask him what on Earth the matter is, he says I wasn't steering quickly enough. So I say "well you said slowly, so that's what I did. Which is it that you want?!" He then shoves open passenger door, rips off L plates, rips open driver door and orders me to get out immediately. I comply and we sit in silence all the way home.

He's like this each time, bellowing and holding on for dear life and snatching the steering wheel. This is on 30/40 mph flat and non-windy roads but he acts like we're in GTA and I'm driving like a maniac. I'm not, I'm always below speed limit and am getting really smooth with gear changes. I'm tired of being treated this way and he's now said I'm being taken off the insurance. I was driving for less than 30 seconds today before he lost it. He did the same to me on a corner once in front of a crowded pub because I stalled when trying a hill start. I was so embarrassed.

I suggested my dad take me instead in our car but he said no, we'd be breaking the law because me and Dad "wouldn't have the owners permission". He turns into this repugnant person that I don't know and he talks to me the same way he does our two young children. I've been trying not to take his help for granted but he's such a control freak and I come home from our practice with aching arms from tensed muscles.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/06/2022 13:34

Why are you married to such a knob?

Needanotherholidayasap · 05/06/2022 13:35

Ime taking a spouse out driving never works. Ime taking dc out is also risky.
Just book an extra lesson a week.

VainAbigail · 05/06/2022 13:35

Shoxfordian · 05/06/2022 13:34

Why are you married to such a knob?

Excellent question….

Sirzy · 05/06/2022 13:35

Some people aren’t naturals at teaching people to drive.

I am pretty sure you would need to insure your dad on your car for him to be able to supervise but worth checking with your insurance company

Momicrone · 05/06/2022 13:35

He sounds awful

SheWoreYellow · 05/06/2022 13:37

He sounds really odd. If he can’t cope with your driving then I guess you can’t have him in the car with you. Which is a shame as it’s really good to have the practice between lessons.

On the manoeuvre front, one thing my instructor taught me was ‘fast hands, slow feet’, so that’s maybe something you still need to apply. His reaction is totally OTT though.

LondonQueen · 05/06/2022 13:38

God what a knob. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of you being in control? Either way I'd be reevaluating your marriage.

BattenburgDonkey · 05/06/2022 13:38

Yep don’t go out with him again, he’s obviously not confident or comfortable enough with it. It’s a shame it will take longer to drive but you’ll get there eventually. Start saving for your own car too because your husband is a dick and most likely is never going to let you drive his.

5foot5 · 05/06/2022 13:39

Wow what a git ! Does he consider the car his, then, not the family car?

Could you get your Dad to put you on his insurance so you can practice in his car?

He turns into this repugnant person that I don't know and he talks to me the same way he does our two young children

Does he often behave like an obnoxious bully? It strikes me that he is someone who like to exert control and you learning to drive will in some way challenge this control and help you assert your independence, hence his behaviour designed to discourage you

Georgeskitchen · 05/06/2022 13:40

My driving instructor always said that family shouldn't teach family to drive, or take them out practicing. Foolishly I ignored this and went out practicing with my Dad.
He was a total nightmare, everything the professional instructor was teaching me was wrong, in my dad's opinion.
After one particularly awful practice session when I almost ran over 3 dogs, an old lady and a lamppost, I got out of the car and swore to never set foot in a car with him ever again 😁😁

iklboo · 05/06/2022 13:40

Is he trying to put you off so you don't actually learn to drive? Scared a taste of freedom and independence will have you running for the hills? Sounds like it to me.

Hiimblahblah · 05/06/2022 13:42

I feel so sorry for you. "Wouldn't have the owners permission"? Wtf is that? Is he trying to say you'd be stealing the car or something?

Blowyourowntrumpet · 05/06/2022 13:42

Trying to teach someone to drive in a car without dual controls, when you aren't a qualified instructor, is really stressful. He shouldn't be shouting at you though. Does your dad have a car that he could take you out in?

LuaDipa · 05/06/2022 13:44

5foot5 · 05/06/2022 13:39

Wow what a git ! Does he consider the car his, then, not the family car?

Could you get your Dad to put you on his insurance so you can practice in his car?

He turns into this repugnant person that I don't know and he talks to me the same way he does our two young children

Does he often behave like an obnoxious bully? It strikes me that he is someone who like to exert control and you learning to drive will in some way challenge this control and help you assert your independence, hence his behaviour designed to discourage you

Exactly what I thought tbh. Why else would he prevent your df taking you out.

FrankReynolds · 05/06/2022 13:45

Georgeskitchen · 05/06/2022 13:40

My driving instructor always said that family shouldn't teach family to drive, or take them out practicing. Foolishly I ignored this and went out practicing with my Dad.
He was a total nightmare, everything the professional instructor was teaching me was wrong, in my dad's opinion.
After one particularly awful practice session when I almost ran over 3 dogs, an old lady and a lamppost, I got out of the car and swore to never set foot in a car with him ever again 😁😁

I would understand my husband's reaction if i was close to running over cats etc but it's been uneventful and just reinforcing what I've learned

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 05/06/2022 13:46

My Dad was completely incapable of supporting my mother to learn to drive. Its outside some people's skill set.

FrankReynolds · 05/06/2022 13:47

Blowyourowntrumpet · 05/06/2022 13:42

Trying to teach someone to drive in a car without dual controls, when you aren't a qualified instructor, is really stressful. He shouldn't be shouting at you though. Does your dad have a car that he could take you out in?

Dad has van which doesn't have a back window and I'm nowhere near ready for that yet. That's why I suggested ours, because in theory I'd be driving it on days he's not using it

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 05/06/2022 13:47

I'm very concerned that he views the family car as his, rather than a shared asset. He's treating you like a child, telling you that you can't put your dad on the insurance, as if all decisions regarding the car are his to make alone. I'd be having serious words about his attitude because that's seriously not on and would be making me re-evaluate the relationship.
Fair enough for him not to be comfortable taking you out, but shouting at you and stropping is bullying behaviour. A husband who isn't comfortable taking you out, can still manage to speak to you respectfully and encourage you in other ways, not destroy your confidence like this.
Honestly, if my husband spoke to me like that he'd be living elsewhere for the foreseeable future

FrankReynolds · 05/06/2022 13:48

Hiimblahblah · 05/06/2022 13:42

I feel so sorry for you. "Wouldn't have the owners permission"? Wtf is that? Is he trying to say you'd be stealing the car or something?

Yep, I'd be a car thief ffs

OP posts:
ElenaSt · 05/06/2022 13:49

I'm laid back but when I took my son out to let him practise driving in my car I became like your husband!

It's not a good idea to let someone emotionally close to you learn to drive.

OneForTheRoadThen · 05/06/2022 13:50

Wow you poor thing, he sounds awful and no help whatsoever. I passed my test a couple of weeks ago and DP let me practice regularly in his car, in London and often with my 2 small children in the back and he never once showed any inpatients let alone shouted. I wouldn't have been able to continue if he acted like your husband as it's nerve wracking enough.

Do you have someone else who can help? I got learner insurance with Veygo and you can insure yourself temporarily on any car. I do understand about not wanting to buy extra lesson as they're so expensive. I hope you manage to find someone who could help. It's definitely worth it.

FrankReynolds · 05/06/2022 13:50

Tbf I haven't contributed financially to the car at all so far because he's the only driver. I'm a SAHM and get an allowance along with child benefit and some UC. I'm studying atm as well as full time mum so maybe it'll be a shared asset once I'm earning and a valid member of society (this is how I feel quite a lot of the time)

OP posts:
iRun2eatCake · 05/06/2022 13:51

FrankReynolds · 05/06/2022 13:47

Dad has van which doesn't have a back window and I'm nowhere near ready for that yet. That's why I suggested ours, because in theory I'd be driving it on days he's not using it

That's the issue.... he doesn't want you gaining your independence and driving "his" car.

SpacePotato · 05/06/2022 13:51

What happens when you pass your test? Will ge refuse to allow you to drive HIS car?

Vapeyvapevape · 05/06/2022 13:52

I was the same with my daughter 😳. I just couldn't help but do a sharp intake of breath every time she braked sharply or got too close to the car in front. Even though she was doing the speed limit it seemed much too fast and I kept telling her to slow down. Driving instructors have nerves of steel and quite often dual controls so they at least can take over if necessary.

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